Is this an infatuation or hate-obsession? Is this normal?

[Babalda]

I really don't know from where to start this off...but I'm definitely stuck in a weird situation.

 

I know the term "bad boy complex", and have always found it to be sorta starnge...I usually laughed off all those stupid arguements which described how and why women invariably find themselves attarcted to "Bad Boys" or "Azz-holes" (Read: Guys with severe attitude problems and "that smooth" stuff about them)

 

To get to my situation straight:

 

I think I'm in a Love-hate obsession with a professor at college. I'm 19 and he's 40. The thing about him is, that he's a genius and extremely dedicated to his field of subject, and also extremely knowledgeable....to tell it straight, he an EXCELLENT SCHOLAR and an academic.

 

At the same time, he's---arrogant, high-handed, snooty---you name it. I've heard that this attitude is not very uncommon amongst the higher echleon of academia, yet I, along with all my other classmates found him incorrigible and replusive despite his scholarly credits. A few people in our class like him, and the rest---including me---loathed him. He said stuff like how he thought that the economically disadvantages (poor) and physically challenged folks had no business to be pursuing education, and he felt education should be the sole prerogative of the Elite and well-off, etc. Naturally, that did not go down too well with us...and we decided to file a complaint against him with the Dean.

 

It worked, and after a period of dramatic class-boycots and all that, it was decided that he won't be able to prepare question sheets for that semester OR evaluate the answers.We were all happy and relieved.

 

 

This is a brief history. HOWEVER, the problem started after that. For some reason, I started to become obsessed with him. Like, I increasingly thought of him, wondered about his personal life...his childhood, his sex life etc. I felt that he had a troubled childhood or something like that, which shaped his bitter yet brilliant personality. This gradually gave way to a kind of INFATUATION--I started looking him up the net, reading books by him in the Libraries, and loitered around his office to catch a glimpse of him. I started having frequent sexual fantasies about him, wild and uncontrolled. And still, I find him repulsive whenever I think of his ultra-domineering persona in class. I once even sent prank messages to him from a phone, which got caught and I had to apologize. That went well, nothing too bad..they were just harmless taunting stuff. I talked with him and questioned him on his in-class conduct, which he answered amicably, ending the meeting well. However that did not end my obsession with him. I think of him in every context and imagine what he's have said if he was in that situation. I sometimes feel guilty for taking part in the agitation against him. If I had not then maybe I'd have a chance of getting to know him better, chat with him etc. like his favourite students do. I also suspect that he'll not be taking any more classes in our remaining semesters, which make me feel HORRIBLE. In those times, I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out of me. Its temporary,but it bothers me.

 

How to get rid of this? Seriously? Please answer if you can, it'd be most helpful.

[Mhera]

I'm seeing this as two-fold, here's my opinion:

 

1. He's an alpha male type, and with his looking down at the little people in the world if he were to put you up on a pedestal above them you would feel quite grande. You'd have the appreciation of someone who doesn't truly appreciate anyone. You'd be beyond special.

 

 

2. I'm guilty of this second bit myself, but could it also be what you've filled the gaps in with that has you infatuated? You've described facts about him in reference to why you don't like him... but haven't given anything that is remotely factual about him that is attractive to you. Combine my first point with you filling in the gaps of his life and personality with your imagination and you've created a harlequin book plot! Downside being the sexy charming bits about him are the imagined parts in this case.

[Babalda]

Well yeah, what you've said could be true. The things that could be really attractive about him is that he's a REALLY GOOD scholar, sort of a genius in his field that I've mentioned. However, I'm not sure how much this counts because I've really no interest in his subject. LOL. He's a very good teacher, oh yes---and he loves his students to bits....though he isn't really adept at expressing it.

 

Also, I feel a sort of sympathy for him, like I feel he's got some deep sorrow welled up inside him that he tries to mask up by being this way. Y'know...the "wronged, misunderstood guy"...could be quite harlequin-sounding, yeah.

 

But the bottom line is...I always try to catch his attention some way or the other, and I've no idea how to stop. Grrr....its making me wound up. Only last week, there was this seminar on his subject and I, despite not having remotest of interest in it, mugged up questions to ask there. I did eventually...and he smiled. I felt wildly happy---arrrghhhh! Its so INSANE!

 

Please tell me how to stop this.