asked for separation from bipolar spouse GUILT

[skycrest]

I have been in love with my BP husband for 7 years. Our first year together was wonderful, then, I think the stress of a demanding ex-wife with two of his children and asisting me in raising my 2 children from a previous marriage have proven to be much to stressful for him. Without going into too much psych stuff- he is (for the most part) med compliant but it an ultra rapid cycler whose medications are as good as they are going to get until something new comes on the market. That being said he is up & down many times a day and it's not likely to get better. Stress is one of his triggers. I gone through taking him to psych facilities in the middle of the night either for homicidal or suicidal ideations (and attempts). This spring and early summer were VERY difficult. So, no lectures on that please. After much angst and crying and soul searching I finally asked him for a separation. He has always told me if we separated that was it there was no working on it. So I had already prepared myself for what I thought was the inevitable- divorce. Then he told me he wanted to "work on it" this is part of what we went through in the spring but he couldn't follow through. He did agree to separate and we made some changes financially- however, on his disability check he cannot afford to live on his own and without that income it makes things very tight for me financially. He agreed that instead of me renting a room out to a stranger, it would be most helpful financially and with the kids if he would stay at the house.

Therein lies the problem, he still acts as though we are married when it comes down to personal contact and belongings but he tells everyone we are separated and that he wants to get back together but yet he hangs out with my teenage sons friends (boys and girls) and basically acts like a 17 year old- (he is almost 40 and I am 47).

He swears he can change and be the man I fell in love with and with him in close proximity it does not give me time and space to clear my head and think things through. I know he can change for a short amount of time but due to the nature and severity of his illness I know he cannot sustain a change for long. 6 years)

I stay in the town where I work during the week and am only home (MY HOUSE) for the weekends- so I have asked him for every other week end or at least one weekend a month where he stays somewhere else- his previous choices were not physically nor mentally safe for him. I feel like I am prolonging the inevitable- but my solooks to my husband as his only dad and he is having behaviors due to the changes in our relationship.

The question is- should I just be cruel and tell him to get out, I can't take it anymore and it is NOT mentally healthy for me (as pointed out by 2 counselors and 2 psychiatrists over the past 6 yeats) or do I stand by "in sickness and in health"? Please excuse any typos or errors and ommissions as I am typing this from my phone.

[Steen719]

Does your H have any family that he can live with or even stay with temporarily?

 

Are his children with you, also? If not, does he have contact with them?

If he can really not afford to live on his own on his disability check, have you checked to see if there are any other services or funds available in your state to help with housing?

 

Can you move if things are too tight without his check? Sell your house, downsize? Move the kids with you into town where you stay during the week? I think staying in the marriage for the money is not a good idea and staying because you feel guilty is really not good, either. I can understand how you would feel that way, though. Have you talked to his Psychiatrist or health care provider about this? Family?

 

Do you still love him? I guess if you still have these feelings for him, the long hard road you have ahead of you would be worth it.

 

Sorry. What a difficult position to be in.