30-something guy badly needs

[guitarguy77]

Hello all:

 

I’m in a bit of a crappy situation and I would really appreciate getting thoughts from anybody willing to offer them.

 

First up, the history. I’m a 34 year-old guy, work as an engineer. In February 2009 I separated from the woman I was with for 12 years (the last 3 as husband and wife). Three months prior to that, we had a daughter. I won’t get into the details of this part, but the reason we separated was because I suspected she was having an affair, and eventually a DNA test excluded me as the father of the baby.

 

Obviously, I was a complete wreck.

 

I was spending a lot of time with friends and family during that period, because otherwise I would have gone crazy. A few months after my separation, I noticed that my friend’s sister-in-law really seemed to be taking an interest in me—almost as if she saw the unexpected news of my separation as an opportunity to move in. She’d e-mail me all the time, ask me to chat online, always be full of compliments and encouragement, etc.

 

At the time, I was 31 and she was 22. I wasn’t crazy about the age difference, but I found that she was mature enough that I’d completely forget about it.

 

It wasn’t long before we started hanging out and the relationship became physical. Almost right away I felt kind of crappy about it because I knew there was no way in the world I could even think about a “committed relationship” with another woman so soon after 12 years of strict monogamy, an affair, and the paternal fiasco. I explained this to her as clearly as I possibly could. She said she had no problem whatsoever with it because she was just out of a relationship as well and was in no hurry to tie herself down either.

 

We spent time together. We had a lot of fun. Cooked dinners, drank wine, had campfires, played videogames, watched movies, played guitars. For the first few months I just ended up taking things day by day without really thinking too far into the future. Before I knew it, several months had passed, and I started to sense that she was falling for me in a way that I couldn’t return. At that point, I put my concerns on the table, explaining to her that I really liked spending time with her but I still wasn’t feeling any closer to being ready for the big commitment. I suggested that she deserved better than what I was able to provide. I was expecting her to be upset by this, but I was shocked when she responded by saying she was perfectly OK with how things were.

 

So, it continued.

 

All told, it went on this way for about 1.5 years. There were a few times when we mutually agreed to put an end to it and would spend a few weeks away from each other. But every time, we’d end up coming together again.

 

What I couldn’t understand was how I had this really awesome woman who seemed crazy about me, did all kinds of amazing things for me, had lots of the same interests as me, etc. and yet, even after the 1.5 years, I felt like I was STILL running on empty emotionally. I was still jaded from what happened with my marriage and was just terrified at the prospect of another committed/serious relationship. At that time, I remember wondering to myself if I would EVER want to try it with somebody again.

 

Through the entire 1.5 years, I struggled a lot with that feeling. I really did enjoy her company, but I felt pretty rotten about how she was obviously so much more willing to explore new ground with me than I was with her. In retrospect, I was obviously still too damaged to do it. I explained this to her at least once a month through the entire affair, telling her repeatedly that she deserved so much more than what I was giving her. Every single time I did so, I would think to myself “Ok, this is the one where she will finally crack and admit to me that she feels much more strongly about me than she has let on, and there will be this big ugly emotional outpouring”, but it never happened. Right up until the very end, she maintained that she was fine with “friends with benefits”.

 

 

 

I wasn’t buying it. The way she looked at me, acted around me, the things she did for me—it was all impossible to reconcile with what she was saying.

 

 

Finally, at the very end of 2010, we mutually agreed to stop seeing each other. Even though she maintained unflinchingly for 1.5 years that she was comfortable with the relationship we had, I was not the least bit surprised to see her crushed by our separation. In the months that followed, she sent me some pretty desperate e-mails, but for the most part she cut off contact with me.

 

As recently as mid-May, she came to a bar where my band was playing, and she seemed to be in better spirits, and everything seemed cool. Remember, she is my friend’s sister-in-law, and that friend is also in the band. So she knew the crowd. We talked and it was all going smoothly. Then, an old childhood female friend of mine just happened to show up at the bar all drunk. I hadn’t seen her in a few years, so she gave me this big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 

 

 

Then, it got ugly.

 

 

 

The girl I had been seeing came up to me with tears in her eyes and said “so… who’s your friend?”. I attempted to explain it was just an old childhood buddy, but she started crying, bolted for the door, and hopped in a taxi. Later that night via text message she told me that she “thought she was over me, but obviously not”, and that she “was completely hopeless” and things like this. Once again, I felt awful.

 

Not long after that incident, something very strange happened. I just woke up one morning and had a bona fide epiphany. Suddenly I started really really missing her. I can’t describe how strange it felt to so suddenly be “waking up” emotionally after 2+ years of emptiness. Eventually it became clear to me that I wanted her back. And for real; no half-assed setup like before. It was such a wonderful feeling; I felt so alive… at first.

 

After a while, I mustered the courage to contact her and explain myself. I decided that the best way would be to send her a letter, so that I could have a chance to clearly communicate exactly what needed to be said, without being interrupted. I explained my journey, I acknowledged everything I thought I did wrong in the past and promised to change it all, the whole bit. I really poured my heart out like I’ve never done before in my life.

 

I wasn’t 100% certain, but I felt reasonably confident that she would take me back, based on how into me she obviously had been. And, it had only been a little over 6 months, which to me didn’t seem like a terribly long time. I thought back to my younger days, how I had my heart broken by my first real girlfriend, and how I still felt pretty strongly for her 6 months after the break-up. In short, it didn’t seem terribly unreasonable that she might be amenable to my proposition.

 

My heart nearly came up into my throat when she got back to me explaining that she was seeing somebody else. Not only that, but she went on to explain that she had been seeing this guy since February—which was about 2 months after we broke it off. Obviously, I had no idea this revelation was coming. I pointed out how surprising it was, considering that in May she left a bar crying because a friend gave me a hug—and she agreed it was strange.

 

The final cherry on top was when she told me that just 5 measly days prior to receiving my letter, she had “made it official” with this guy. So, in other words, it wasn’t just a casual dating thing—it was a legit boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I thought I was going to die, it was awful.

 

But still, there were glimmers of hope. She was obviously moved by my proposition. She said she missed me, and that she was surprised at how rocked she was by the letter, despite the fact that she had once again convinced herself that she was over me. In fact, the need to get over me was why she waited several months to make it official with the other guy—despite repeated efforts on his part to firm up their relationship. Apparently, the other guy was fully aware of the situation but just kept trying, until one day, he finally got the girl.

 

Anyway, that first conversation after my letter, she didn’t say yes or no. She asked if we could speak again the next day, which we did. We talked for a few hours, and she asked me all kinds of questions, like “what makes you think you can give me what I need”, and “where do you see this going”, even “would you ever consider marrying again”. I won’t get into my answers but I can assure you they were “good” answers, and I meant them with my whole being. Even after that second conversation, she still didn’t say yes or no, so we agreed to talk again the next day.

 

It was in the third conversation that she said “I don’t see anything happening between us”, with her explanation being “I care about you a lot, probably always will, but I’ve come to care quite a lot about <the other guy> too. I think it would be crazy for me to walk away from what I have—which has been nothing short of great so far—to take a crazy chance with somebody I just don’t feel as strongly about anymore”.

 

I know these are more or less her exact words because they’re burned into my memory. I was completely destroyed, and had to end the conversation right there because I just couldn’t even speak.

 

That was July 20th. In the time since, she has e-mailed me several times a week, but not to say anything terribly interesting—it’s always just some anecdote about work, some link to a funny youtube video, and things like that. Not a single sign of her going back on her decision.

 

There have been a few times since she shut me down where I’ve kind of lost my cool and confessed to miss her like I’ve never missed anything before—even though I know it’s a bad move to do so, because you don’t want to appear desperate and pathetic. It’s just so hard to keep all that in sometimes; it consumes you. Those few isolated moments of weakness aside, I’ve done a fairly decent job of putting up a cool and collected façade, playing along with the “small talk” e-mail stuff, not groveling like a wimp, not “harassing” her, or begging her to reconsider.

 

The first two long conversations after I reached out to her, she showed many signs of being emotional and moved by it all, saying “I miss you”, and all kinds of other similar things. But, it’s almost like she turned to stone the moment she announced her decision in the third conversation. She hasn’t budged an inch since then—it’s been nothing but stoic small talk, devoid of emotion.

 

The only “signs of life” that I see now—over a month later—are a) the stream of e-mails make it almost seem like she is afraid to lose contact with me; and b) as silly as this sounds, I have some songs I recorded posted on the net and she doesn’t know that I can go in and check who has listened to them. There is one “sentimental” song that I know she always liked, and she keeps listening to it.

 

I know it’s not much, but it’s something.

 

I don’t know a single thing about the other guy aside from the fact that he’s a bus driver who was also previously married. What I’m picturing, however, is someone that came into the picture, pursued her, made her feel wanted, waited patiently for her to come around—basically all the nice things that I was too much of a screwed up ass to do when I had her thoroughly wrapped around my finger. What really sucks is that I know the version of me that she’s picturing is a mere shadow of what she would get now that I’m emotionally prepared to be with her for real. I’ve tried to explain that several times, but the reality is that her only reference point is what she experienced firsthand. So, essentially what I’m asking her to do is just take my word for it that it’ll all be different, and throw away the apparent stability that she feels with the other guy.

 

I must admit, I totally see where her reluctance would come from, especially if my theory is true about the other guy being Lance Romance, and doing everything right that I did completely wrong.

 

The million dollar question for me is this: did she make her decision because she truly has put me behind her and has given her heart to the new guy, or is there a large part of her that would prefer to be with me, but she just views it as far too risky? I could ask her that question outright, but there’s no point; I won’t get a straight answer. I did make a point of telling her that I hope she is making the right choice, and not just the safe one.

 

I know I probably don’t even deserve another chance. For months and months she was mine to lose and I lost her. I completely blew it, and I struggle with that almost every waking hour of every day. It’s such a horrible, horrible feeling.

 

So, what do you guys think? I’ll take any feedback I can get, but I’m especially interested in the female viewpoint, in hopes of better understanding what she might be thinking and feeling right now, how I should interpret her movements, what I should make of the limited “evidence” I have available, etc.

 

Am I wasting my time? Should I just start trying to find myself dates with other women to help me move on? Should I keep the pressure on? I’m just lost here.

 

Sorry for the novel, but I felt it would be important to give the full story in order to get the most informed opinions.

[Seraph1]

 

It was in the third conversation that she said “I don’t see anything happening between us”, with her explanation being “I care about you a lot, probably always will, but I’ve come to care quite a lot about <the other guy> too. I think it would be crazy for me to walk away from what I have—which has been nothing short of great so far—to take a crazy chance with somebody I just don’t feel as strongly about anymore”.

 

 

Wow... that is a sad story. It's also the one thing that most dumpees hope for when they are dumped like hot potatos: that the dumper will wake up and realise that they made a mistake and lost the best thing that ever happened to them. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

There is a lot to your story and I think that opinions will be mixed on LS. I do believe your ex does still care about you and think about you. However, she worked long and hard to get over you in the six months you were apart.

 

From the sound of things she even forced herself to start dating in an effort to move on. She met a guy that offered her everthing that was lacking in your relationship and he was patient with her and gave her control over the relationship which is something that you never gave. For 1.5 years she was playing by your rules and patiently waiting for you to offer her more than a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. You can say that she was unflinching of it...but I suspect she was more 'unflinching' of accepting any scraps of your affection because she was in love with you.

 

Hearts don't heal so quickly as 6 months but it is possible to meet and start to fall for someone new. I did it after my heart was ripped out and smooshed into the carpet. You could call it a rebound but I've also seen a lot of these 'rebound' relationships last the test of time and end in marriage and happily ever after.

 

She does still care about you...but she remembers what it was like to have the crumbs and scraps of your love. Right now she is with someone that it treating her the way she deserves and it is 'real' in comparison to what you appear to be holding out to her. It is clear that she doesn't really trust your intentions and that she is confused over the situation which is why she goes to listen to the song. She has made a decision but she is questioning if it is the right one.

 

Depending on her personality this could go either way and I don't know how to advise you. You could go strict NC and hope that she thinks about you and misses you enough to make contact and seek a second chance (you also get to heal and move on from the relationship so it is the best chance you have to get your life back!) or you could do low contact and attempt to re-establish and build trust between the two of you so that she can see you are sincere and honest in regards to your intention to have a proper relationship with her.

 

You know her better than anyone else. The choice is yours... but I suggest that you choose yourself and treat this like it is over because she has told you it is.

 

Good luck

[guitarguy77]

She met a guy that offered her everthing that was lacking in your relationship and he was patient with her and gave her control over the relationship which is something that you never gave. For 1.5 years she was playing by your rules and patiently waiting for you to offer her more than a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. You can say that she was unflinching of it...but I suspect she was more 'unflinching' of accepting any scraps of your affection because she was in love with you.

...

...

...

She does still care about you...but she remembers what it was like to have the crumbs and scraps of your love. Right now she is with someone that it treating her the way she deserves and it is 'real' in comparison to what you appear to be holding out to her

 

Wow, thanks for the response. The parts above in particular are dead freaking on, at least, as far as my analysis goes.

 

or you could do low contact and attempt to re-establish and build trust between the two of you so that she can see you are sincere and honest in regards to your intention to have a proper relationship with her.

 

That's what I've been kinda-sorta trying to do. Not look pathetic, but impress on her that it's not just a fly-by-night fancy; I'm dead serious.

 

For example, this past weekend I went on a 4-day camping trip to a folk festival with lots of jamming around campfires. Somebody broke into "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd and I had to act like I was going to the bathroom because I had tears in my eyes. In a moment of semi-intoxicated weakness, I grabbed my Blackberry, found a link to that song (one of her faves, by the way) on YouTube, and sent it to her saying I wanted to "pass on the message". Probably dumb, I know, but I couldn't resist. Her reply was one line: "Me too."

 

Gah, I don't know....

 

Thanks again

[DeadlyAvenger]

Hey guitarguy77, my story is almost "exactly" the same as yours! in fact it made for really uncomfortable reading.

 

The main difference is my ex put up with me even with a really bad case of GIGS (i.e. talking to other girls) on top of the issue of not moving on from the previous ex! So she probably put with even more! But this girl would have done anything for me, and was always so happy to be with me no matter what.

 

But yeah its an absolutely sickening, gut wrenching feeling, i thought she would happily come back to me too, but like you she had met someone who basically put her first. And she also made a point of this too, saying how much he cared for and loved her, basically all the things i should have done.

 

The worst thing is you realise it was all your own fault, she gave one hundered percent one percent of the time and all i/we had to do was appreciate that and realise how lucky we were. Not having her or anyone else but yourself to blame seemed to make the pain 100x worse.

 

Devastated wasnt the word. On top of the shock there was huge regret followed by massive anger and fustration for messing up such a good thing. For a month i was a wreck, then i got breadcrumbs from her, but i told her to leave me alone unless she wanted to reconcile. A month later I broke NC (stupidly) and she's gone distant with me again.

 

I dont want to get your hopes up but if Im honest i feel you have a much better chance than me, your ex still seems to really care about you, whereas (im really sad to admit) my ex rarely acknowledges me and have got to the point were i have to admit defeat and move on, which i never ever thought id say.

 

Id be really interested to hear what the expereinced members have to say. I dont want to give any advice about LC/NC etc as i feel ive got it wrong with my ex. But i do think the dynamic between you and your ex is better.

 

I truly truly hope it works out for you, and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know what youve been through and i can honestly say it the worst thing ive ever gone through in my life.

Edited August 25, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger
typo

[guitarguy77]

Hi DeadlyAvenger—thanks for your thoughts. So, I’m not the only one on the planet paying a monumental price for being a self-centered, dumbs#&t, head-up-his-a$$ moron. I don’t know if that’s comforting or saddening.

 

The worst thing is you realise it was all your own fault, she gave one hundered percent one percent of the time and all i/we had to do was appreciate that and realise how lucky we were. Not having her or anyone else but yourself to blame seemed to make the pain 100x worse.

Amen brother. I’m now a veteran of this club. Even after several weeks, it seems like not a day goes by where I don’t have at least one new random/obscure memory pop into my head where I think of something cruddy I said or did back in the glory days when I was in the driver’s seat—makes me want to go back in time and pop my own head like a zit. The absolute worst is when the random memory consists of an instance where I recall her doing or saying something incredibly thoughtful or sweet and having to relive the closed-off, non-reciprocal, unappreciative, sometimes almost dismissive way I responded to it. Not only is it agonizing and maddening, it's embarrassing; I become utterly ashamed of myself. It’s getting to a point where, considering where I’m at today, it’s almost surreal to consider there was actually a time--in the fairly recent past, no less--when all I had to do was reach out and grab her; she was standing right there, the gentle expression in her eyes just begging me to let her in.

 

On top of the shock there was huge regret followed by massive anger and fustration for messing up such a good thing.

Sounds familiar. Actually, I’m pretty sure the steering wheel in my car is bent a bit backwards, considering the number of times I’ve found myself pounding on it with my fist in anger at my own actions while driving the 45 minutes to and from work.

 

I truly truly hope it works out for you, and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know what youve been through and i can honestly say it the worst thing ive ever gone through in my life.

I really appreciate that. I’m with you—it’s hard to imagine that there could exist a more terrible feeling than this. If you’ve accepted defeat, I’m sorry it had to come to that, but just do what you have to do to get your life back. I’m getting very close to joining you.

 

I don’t know if this happened with you as well, but for me, believe it or not, I actually predicted this would happen to me one day with this girl. I’d be standing around in my buddy’s garage having a few beers and he’d ask “So, why don’t you just give it a shot and have a go for real with her? She seems great.” And I’d respond with “I know she’s great, but I honestly just can’t do that right now, I’m not ready, and not sure if I ever will be”. I even said out loud, more times and to more different people than I can count (her included), “I know there’s a good chance I’ll regret this one day, but what can I do? Sitting here right now, it doesn’t feel right.” So, I knew over a year ago that it was a possibility, if not a likelihood, that I’d land where I’m at today. But obviously, the experience is so much worse than what I could have ever imagined or predicted back then. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say it’s a whole other universe, actually.

[wilsonx]

As the resident active resident GIGS expert on the forum I will throw a couple things at you.

 

#1 you jumped into an explosive passionate rebound in your separation. I am not saying its wrong but you were hurt very hurt from your story and its really difficult for hurt people to love. They use love as a cast to shield the hurt. And thats what she did for you as to why you felt that you weren't being fair to her. You were always telling her the truth to move on and find someone better.

 

#2 People want what the can't have. Look at your situation. You kept telling her, I dont think its fair you should move on. She kept staying because of this. Now that she has moved on, you now want what you cant have. Its human nature. Honestly, I do not think you were into her as much as you think you were. Your instincts were telling her to move forward. From what I read, you had a couple breaks in the relationship, now she has moved on.

 

#3 Its a good thing that she did move on or you could be in serious trouble. One of the best phrases I have heard on this forum is that a woman will not let go of one branch until she has a firm grasp on another (this isnt true for all women, its only true for emotionally immature people in general... people that are not happy with their own lives and use relationships to make themselves happy). These type of relationships are doomed to fail whether it be a year or 5 years.

 

Now its time for you to realize that you dodged a huge bullet with your rebound. You are going through a phase right now and its perfectly normal and you miss her.

 

Take a lot of time to yourself to rediscover your needs and wants minus the relationship aspect of life and start focusing on those.

[guitarguy77]

As the resident active resident GIGS expert on the forum I will throw a couple things at you.

Man, the acronyms! I sat wondering what the heck GIGS is, until I saw the link in your sig. I spent quite a bit of time reading that thread, and I must admit, there are a lot of things in it that hit close to home.

 

#1 you jumped into an explosive passionate rebound in your separation. I am not saying its wrong but you were hurt very hurt from your story and its really difficult for hurt people to love. They use love as a cast to shield the hurt. And thats what she did for you as to why you felt that you weren't being fair to her. You were always telling her the truth to move on and find someone better.

I know better than most that it’s really difficult for hurt people to love. It’s really difficult to offer up anything at all, because the tank is empty.

 

In the early days of our relationship, when I’d go to pick her up, I would take backroads to my house because I didn’t want anybody to see her in the car with me. She is quite attractive, so it’s nothing to do with being embarrassed about that sort of thing… I just didn’t feel comfortable being seen in public with a woman other than my wife, even though my marriage was over—with no desire for reconciliation from either end—and everybody who mattered knew as much. If nothing else, I must admit, I probably should have taken that as a sign that it was way too soon to have any sort of relationship with anybody.

 

#2 People want what the can't have. Look at your situation. You kept telling her, I dont think its fair you should move on. She kept staying because of this. Now that she has moved on, you now want what you cant have. Its human nature. Honestly, I do not think you were into her as much as you think you were. Your instincts were telling her to move forward. From what I read, you had a couple breaks in the relationship, now she has moved on.

Oh, I’ve definitely considered this possibility on my own. When all this renewed interest started I spent a lot of time wondering, “if she comes back to me, thereby ending the chase, will she still hold the same allure and/or make me as happy as I envisioned?”

 

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t think my feelings can be explained simply by the “want what you can’t have” thing. I would find that explanation plausible if we were talking about a few pangs of jealousy and discomfort over the course of a week or so after learning of her new boyfriend, but it seems a bit flimsy of an explanation for 1.5 months straight of pure, uninterrupted misery; where literally every single day she is the very first thing I think of when my eyes open in the morning, and the very last thing I think of before I fall asleep at night. I know how pathetic that sounds, but it’s the truth.

 

Its a good thing that she did move on or you could be in serious trouble. One of the best phrases I have heard on this forum is that a woman will not let go of one branch until she has a firm grasp on another (this isnt true for all women, its only true for emotionally immature people in general... people that are not happy with their own lives and use relationships to make themselves happy). These type of relationships are doomed to fail whether it be a year or 5 years.

Sorry, but I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying here. Are you saying I’d be in “serious trouble” on account of the fact that she was the “rebound woman” after may failed marriage?

 

Speaking of rebounds and the risks associated with them, it almost sounds like the new relationship she is in is the one that would be doomed. After all, I witnessed with my own eyes her sobbing over me a full 3.5 months after first getting involved with the other guy.

 

Now its time for you to realize that you dodged a huge bullet with your rebound. You are going through a phase right now and its perfectly normal and you miss her.

I think I agree in general that rebounds are sketchy at best, but doesn’t it change things that I spent over 6 months away from her, only to ultimately reach the conclusion that I want to be with her?

 

Take a lot of time to yourself to rediscover your needs and wants minus the relationship aspect of life and start focusing on those.

That’s exactly what I’ve spent the last 6-7 months doing. Playing in the band, traveling, pursuing hobbies, working on projects that I’ve long wanted to work on but didn’t have the time, and of course, partying. I even tried going on dates with a few other women. It never lasted any longer than 2-3 dates with any of them, and the only thing I learned from spending time with those other girls is how much I miss the one I’m hung up on now.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Hey GituarGuy

 

Hows it going? Any progress? Hope theres been some positive things happening.

 

The more i read your story the more i cant get over how similar our stories are! Additionally im in my mid-thirties too and that made me feel a lot worse as feel/felt like i was running out of time to meet someone too. This just added to my anguish.

 

But what i'd give to go back in time and change everything with her. I suppose hindsight is a wonderful thing i guess.

 

I can kinda see where WilsonX is coming from too tho. We didnt want them when we had them. But if it simply was a case of that we would we have gone through all that pain? I still feel this way 4/5 months later.

 

I think maybe our blindeness (from our previous exes) and our stupidy were the main reasons we didnt see what we had?

 

I feel like ive blown it with my ex just in the last week by breaking NC again, now shes actually ignoring me Not only that my attempts at breaking NC were confusing and too serious. I really dont know what to do.

Hopefully that helps you somewhat with your approach?? i.e not what to do...

[guitarguy77]

Hey GituarGuy

 

Hows it going? Any progress? Hope theres been some positive things happening.

 

The more i read your story the more i cant get over how similar our stories are! Additionally im in my mid-thirties too and that made me feel a lot worse as feel/felt like i was running out of time to meet someone too. This just added to my anguish.

 

Yep--it's a lot like being kicked while you're down to know that you had somebody who is such a great fit for you, yet you let them get away due to your own stupidity.

 

I can kinda see where WilsonX is coming from too tho. We didnt want them when we had them. But if it simply was a case of that we would we have gone through all that pain? I still feel this way 4/5 months later.

From the sounds of it, we'll never know.

 

I think maybe our blindeness (from our previous exes) and our stupidy were the main reasons we didnt see what we had?

I don't know if your previous ex really stuck it to you like mine did to me, but there's no question, that played a big role in my behavior with the girl I'm trying to get back today. I just wasn't in my right mind and wasn't making sound decisions; the cheating wife ordeal had caused me to fall into a "me first" mode where all I cared about was serving myself and my own agenda. I take full responsibility for what I said and did, but I almost feel like the way events fell into place set me up to crash and burn, which doesn't really seem fair. But, as they say, life isn't fair.

 

I feel like ive blown it with my ex just in the last week by breaking NC again, now shes actually ignoring me Not only that my attempts at breaking NC were confusing and too serious. I really dont know what to do.

Hopefully that helps you somewhat with your approach?? i.e not what to do...

Yeah, well, I mentioned in my original message how she was maintaining steady e-mail contact with me, which I construed as a positive sign. But that has since stopped cold turkey and, like you, the last few times I've sent her a message I've either got nothing back or maybe a 2-word reply.

 

I used to follow her on Twitter, but when this all went down, I told her that I'd not be following her anymore because I was afraid of seeing messages from her talking about how much fun she's having with her new man. I made the mistake on the weekend of creeping her Twitter page out of morbid curiosity, and sure enough, I see a bunch of messages about her "amazing" Labor Day weekend trip making her "so excited, she might vomit", and things like this.

 

So now, basically, I've accepted defeat. The other guy won her over, fair and square. I wish I had more encouraging words for you, but I don't.