Was it all my fault? Am I mean and obsessive?

[headsinclouds]

I read with interest an article about how "inconsistent rewards" are more addictive than normal relationships where each other's needs are consistently met. I'm starting to think I'm love addicted to drama & unavailable men in relationships. I keep thinking about the past FWB/casual relationship, whatever it was, that I was in. I'm wondering if it's all my fault. I'm rehashing below. Sorry! It's long! I just want someone's perspective on the entire story.

 

We started "dating" last summer, everything went pretty well the first couple of months. We saw each other once a week or so. I knew he was also seeing someone else, but I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. And yes, we actually went on regular dates as well as just hanging out. He then started to pull away, I realized I was doing all of the initiating plans, he started cancelling dates and ignoring texts. He said he was really depressed and this had nothing to do with me. I didn't like this behavior so I told him we should just be friends.

 

He then started making an effort again, he quit seeing the other girl and he told me that he had been with no one else but me (and her, but I knew they were FWB). We started spending time together again. We would hold hands while being together, he introduced me to his friends, I started staying at his house more than he stayed at mine, etc. People were well aware that we were dating, so it wasn't a hidden type of casual relationship.

 

Then he started up with the behavior again. We began arguing all the time because it literally felt like he was holding me at arm's length. We would argue, see each other and talk all night, fall into bed together sometimes, repeat. I told him I couldn't do this cycle anymore because I was developing feelings for him. He told me that he was hurt so bad that he was never going to let himself care about anyone again and he was pushing me away. Told me lots of details I won't put on the internet. Told me he was jealous of my male friends.

 

At this point I tried to switch to being friends again but I noticed he was treating me differently from all his other friends. We had a few texts back and forth where I said some kinda mean things. We didn't talk for a month or so.

 

I then run into him (it's almost 2011 by now) and he tells me he's sorry he hasn't spent time with me and I have no idea how much he cares about me. We see each other a few times afterwards and he always hugs me and we talk, everything's cool. I thought we were going to be friends then but then he starts ignoring texts again! I run into him and we start dating again for a month or two, but then I screwed up by drinking too much, acting jealous and basically acting loony. I was really bothered by this and profusely apologized. A couple of weeks later he gets drunk, freaks out and tells me he's too attracted to me and leaves me alone to walk home by myself. Then he deletes me from Facebook.

 

Yep...I'm a fool. A couple of months go by and we start hanging out again. We sleep together again a few more times. We go out and do things. Then he invites me out and is with a female "friend" (who he admits to sleeping with in the past) and it's just us 3! I left eventually when he said he was "going to walk her home" and texted him to never talk to me again. He freaked out and called me and said he was tired of me being mean to him, to leave him alone.

 

A couple more things happened, culminating with him talking badly about me to other people. Then I didn't talk to him in public so he deletes me from Facebook again. I was pretty mean after that, I sent a pissed off email, just everything over the past year built up.

 

Why can't I get over this person yet? Was I addicted to the drama and intensity? What can I do to make sure this never happens again? I'm also wondering if I'm the one with the problem since this has happened to me before when I've tried to casually date, but on a much smaller scale.

[headsinclouds]

Yeah, thanks for your helpful responses. This forum sucks.

[antinko]

Yeah, thanks for your helpful responses. This forum sucks.

 

Passive aggressive comments aren't going to win people over. I'm currently writing a response to your original post, though.

[antinko]

I read with interest an article about how "inconsistent rewards" are more addictive than normal relationships where each other's needs are consistently met. I'm starting to think I'm love addicted to drama & unavailable men in relationships. I keep thinking about the past FWB/casual relationship, whatever it was, that I was in. I'm wondering if it's all my fault. I'm rehashing below. Sorry! It's long! I just want someone's perspective on the entire story.

 

We started "dating" last summer, everything went pretty well the first couple of months. We saw each other once a week or so. I knew he was also seeing someone else, but I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. And yes, we actually went on regular dates as well as just hanging out. He then started to pull away, I realized I was doing all of the initiating plans, he started cancelling dates and ignoring texts. He said he was really depressed and this had nothing to do with me. I didn't like this behavior so I told him we should just be friends.

 

He then started making an effort again, he quit seeing the other girl and he told me that he had been with no one else but me (and her, but I knew they were FWB). We started spending time together again. We would hold hands while being together, he introduced me to his friends, I started staying at his house more than he stayed at mine, etc. People were well aware that we were dating, so it wasn't a hidden type of casual relationship.

 

Then he started up with the behavior again. We began arguing all the time because it literally felt like he was holding me at arm's length. We would argue, see each other and talk all night, fall into bed together sometimes, repeat. I told him I couldn't do this cycle anymore because I was developing feelings for him. He told me that he was hurt so bad that he was never going to let himself care about anyone again and he was pushing me away. Told me lots of details I won't put on the internet. Told me he was jealous of my male friends.

 

At this point I tried to switch to being friends again but I noticed he was treating me differently from all his other friends. We had a few texts back and forth where I said some kinda mean things. We didn't talk for a month or so.

 

I then run into him (it's almost 2011 by now) and he tells me he's sorry he hasn't spent time with me and I have no idea how much he cares about me. We see each other a few times afterwards and he always hugs me and we talk, everything's cool. I thought we were going to be friends then but then he starts ignoring texts again! I run into him and we start dating again for a month or two, but then I screwed up by drinking too much, acting jealous and basically acting loony. I was really bothered by this and profusely apologized. A couple of weeks later he gets drunk, freaks out and tells me he's too attracted to me and leaves me alone to walk home by myself. Then he deletes me from Facebook.

 

Yep...I'm a fool. A couple of months go by and we start hanging out again. We sleep together again a few more times. We go out and do things. Then he invites me out and is with a female "friend" (who he admits to sleeping with in the past) and it's just us 3! I left eventually when he said he was "going to walk her home" and texted him to never talk to me again. He freaked out and called me and said he was tired of me being mean to him, to leave him alone.

 

A couple more things happened, culminating with him talking badly about me to other people. Then I didn't talk to him in public so he deletes me from Facebook again. I was pretty mean after that, I sent a pissed off email, just everything over the past year built up.

 

Why can't I get over this person yet? Was I addicted to the drama and intensity? What can I do to make sure this never happens again? I'm also wondering if I'm the one with the problem since this has happened to me before when I've tried to casually date, but on a much smaller scale.

 

First bold: Don't get your philosophy or assess yourself based on a magazine: it's a sure fire way to self doubt and depression.

 

What you need to do is simply think about the aspects of your personality which you'd like to change, consider whether they're changeable and then identify what you have to do in order to change them. Stop being passive and accept responsibility for being you.

 

Second and third bold: You put up with that behaviour? It's clear that this guy was messing both you and the other girl around and reaping the rewards when it suited him.

Fourth bold: Oh please. Typical manipulative weak behaviour. He was just trying to justify his bad behaviour and try and extract some sympathy from you.

 

Fifth bold: Sorry to be blunt, but no, you don't have any idea how much he cares for you because he doesn't. A truly caring person wouldn't manipulate and play mind games with their friend or lover. They wouldn't weave stories of self pity and be generally pathetic. The guy needs to grow up.

 

Sixth bold: Well, ok drinking too much can be dodgy but, frankly, it sounds like he gave you enough reasons to go a bit crazy. I would just put that one down to a bad experience and try to avoid it in future.

 

Seventh bold: He doesn't respect you.

 

Eighth bold: I don't believe you were addicted to the drama. I don't even believe you were trying to casually date otherwise, and at least in my understanding, you'd have dropped him like a sack of crap far sooner.

 

You say you can't get over him and it's because, for some reason, you've got him on a pedestal and like him far more than you're admitting to yourself.

 

If this has happened before, then you need to look at yourself. The only 'problem' I see here is that you don't give yourself enough respect and are letting idiots manipulate you. Don't worry, I've been there myself.

 

I recommend going no contact with the guy, don't even acknowledge him if he tries to contact you either and focus on yourself. Try and determine what you want out of life and then only let another male in if they really respect you.

 

To be honest, and this is no criticism of you personally, but rather the 'approach', I doubt you can really expect much respect and will probably attract the wrong type of person if you're overtly looking for 'casual' dating. It basically says, at least in my mind, "Hey I want some attention, but you can treat me like crap...because it's casual."

 

I hope this reply doesn't come across as too harsh but I honestly think you deserve to treat yourself better.

[radiodarcy]

I hope this reply doesn't come across as too harsh but I honestly think you deserve to treat yourself better.

 

all of antiko's advice is great! but i think the quoted part says it all.

 

you really do need to start focusing on yourself and stop worrying about what this guy thinks/feels as his treatment of you shows how little he cares for what you think and feel.

 

go NC. stop allowing him to have that power over you and start finding other activities to focus on. this guy doesn't deserve any more attention and consideration from you.

[shayla]

Use the energy that you are using to second guess yourself and analyze this relationship to love and nurture yourself. That would serve you and wasting brain space to think about this loser does not.

[headsinclouds]

Thank you for your very helpful responses, sorry about the grouchy comment earlier. Yeah, I think this guy did mess with my mind a bit. And it's true, I started putting him on a pedestal and it was hurting my self-esteem that I was letting him treat me like this. He somehow turned it around to make it seem like it was all my fault. I definitely plan on never speaking to him again, I just wanted to make sure I never get in this situation in the future. It was emotionally draining. Also, I'm not necessarily an advocate of casual dating, I just like things to stay casual in the beginning before I dive headfirst into a relationship.

[antinko]

Thank you for your very helpful responses, sorry about the grouchy comment earlier. Yeah, I think this guy did mess with my mind a bit. And it's true, I started putting him on a pedestal and it was hurting my self-esteem that I was letting him treat me like this. He somehow turned it around to make it seem like it was all my fault. I definitely plan on never speaking to him again, I just wanted to make sure I never get in this situation in the future. It was emotionally draining. Also, I'm not necessarily an advocate of casual dating, I just like things to stay casual in the beginning before I dive headfirst into a relationship.

 

That's understandable. It's good to take things steady but try and see the red flags next time. It's something we all have to work on.

[radiodarcy]

i don't know if there's anyway you can completely avoid getting involved in a situation like this. based on what i've heard from friends and reading similar stories here on LS, you're bound to run into a situation like this again.

 

but the good news is that now that you know situations like this can happen, you will start to recognize the warning signs and know when to back away. and of course, you can use the time you have now to build up your self-esteem so you won't be as inclined to put up with the treatment again.

[Nohbody]

Yeah, thanks for your helpful responses. This forum sucks.

 

You know what people find really attractive in others? A sense of entitlement. Nothing shows inner beauty quite like putting on a tiara and throwing a tantrum when immediate gratification is not forthcoming. So yes. I think you are mean.

[KathyM]

I read with interest an article about how "inconsistent rewards" are more addictive than normal relationships where each other's needs are consistently met. I'm starting to think I'm love addicted to drama & unavailable men in relationships. I keep thinking about the past FWB/casual relationship, whatever it was, that I was in. I'm wondering if it's all my fault. I'm rehashing below. Sorry! It's long! I just want someone's perspective on the entire story.

 

We started "dating" last summer, everything went pretty well the first couple of months. We saw each other once a week or so. I knew he was also seeing someone else, but I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. And yes, we actually went on regular dates as well as just hanging out. He then started to pull away, I realized I was doing all of the initiating plans, he started cancelling dates and ignoring texts. He said he was really depressed and this had nothing to do with me. I didn't like this behavior so I told him we should just be friends.

 

He then started making an effort again, he quit seeing the other girl and he told me that he had been with no one else but me (and her, but I knew they were FWB). We started spending time together again. We would hold hands while being together, he introduced me to his friends, I started staying at his house more than he stayed at mine, etc. People were well aware that we were dating, so it wasn't a hidden type of casual relationship.

 

Then he started up with the behavior again. We began arguing all the time because it literally felt like he was holding me at arm's length. We would argue, see each other and talk all night, fall into bed together sometimes, repeat. I told him I couldn't do this cycle anymore because I was developing feelings for him. He told me that he was hurt so bad that he was never going to let himself care about anyone again and he was pushing me away. Told me lots of details I won't put on the internet. Told me he was jealous of my male friends.

 

At this point I tried to switch to being friends again but I noticed he was treating me differently from all his other friends. We had a few texts back and forth where I said some kinda mean things. We didn't talk for a month or so.

 

I then run into him (it's almost 2011 by now) and he tells me he's sorry he hasn't spent time with me and I have no idea how much he cares about me. We see each other a few times afterwards and he always hugs me and we talk, everything's cool. I thought we were going to be friends then but then he starts ignoring texts again! I run into him and we start dating again for a month or two, but then I screwed up by drinking too much, acting jealous and basically acting loony. I was really bothered by this and profusely apologized. A couple of weeks later he gets drunk, freaks out and tells me he's too attracted to me and leaves me alone to walk home by myself. Then he deletes me from Facebook.

 

Yep...I'm a fool. A couple of months go by and we start hanging out again. We sleep together again a few more times. We go out and do things. Then he invites me out and is with a female "friend" (who he admits to sleeping with in the past) and it's just us 3! I left eventually when he said he was "going to walk her home" and texted him to never talk to me again. He freaked out and called me and said he was tired of me being mean to him, to leave him alone.

 

A couple more things happened, culminating with him talking badly about me to other people. Then I didn't talk to him in public so he deletes me from Facebook again. I was pretty mean after that, I sent a pissed off email, just everything over the past year built up.

 

Why can't I get over this person yet? Was I addicted to the drama and intensity? What can I do to make sure this never happens again? I'm also wondering if I'm the one with the problem since this has happened to me before when I've tried to casually date, but on a much smaller scale.

Why do you try to hang onto relationships that don't work? That don't make sense? Let it go. Let him go. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too. He realizes he can't have a normal relationship with you, but he keeps you hanging on for sex and whatever ego benefits he's getting from that on again off again relationship. Let him go, and work on getting yourself healthy and having healthy expectations for a relationship. Not with him. You both seem co-dependent. I would suggest you get counseling if this type of behavior is a pattern for you.

[headsinclouds]

I did keep ending it with him, but the problem is I see him all the time (same circle of friends) and we have insane chemistry, so it was relatively easy to get sucked back in. I'm going to completely avoid him and work on my self-esteem. I think it's easy to get blinded when you feel like you really connect with someone, but I need to learn to let go as soon as the red flags appear and not keep hanging on until it deteriorates into a big ole mess.

[KathyM]

I did keep ending it with him, but the problem is I see him all the time (same circle of friends) and we have insane chemistry, so it was relatively easy to get sucked back in. I'm going to completely avoid him and work on my self-esteem. I think it's easy to get blinded when you feel like you really connect with someone, but I need to learn to let go as soon as the red flags appear and not keep hanging on until it deteriorates into a big ole mess.

You have to keep telling yourself, this guy is toxic. Not good for you. Not what you want. He's a user. If you have to stay away from the places he goes in order to not be sucked into seeing him again, then maybe you better do that. You have to value yourself and want more for yourself than to be someone's occasional toy that he picks up and throws away when it suits him.

[headsinclouds]

I'm doing a little better. No contact has really been helping. I ran into his ex a couple of times and I just held my head up high and ignored her. I thought about trying to explain the situation but thought better of it. I'm still scared about running into him because it's bound to happen sooner or later. Also, I still have a few things of his he left at my house. What should I do with them? I know I'm dumb because I'm still holding out hope we'll be friends again one day months down the line. I wish I still didn't care.

[reimeivn]

i am just gonna say this and you are gonna have to think about this seriously okay.

 

even if you are mean it is your personality. somebody who loves you and be in love you with you will love that.

 

we do make mistakes, but none of them is enough to make us walk different ways. only the fact that he doesnt want to be with you make that happen.

 

lastly, the right guy, he makes you the best person in the world. the trouble guy, he makes you feel all sort of bad things, such as mean, blah blah... ask all the older women, they will tell you that they did have this one guy in the past that made them feel like ****. the guy brought out the things that were not there inside them before they met him.

 

all those three things are true so think about it. think about it when you go to bed, think about it when you wake up. and know that it is a good thing you are not with him anymore.

 

i would hug you if i can.

[headsinclouds]

Wow, you are the sweetest. Thank you for the kind words, hugs to you also.

[reimeivn]

i just tell you the truth. go ask people about it they ll tell you i am right. all the excuses and reasons in the world is just that, bull****.