What NC means to you....

[fooled once]

I had previously posted this a while ago, but seeing as how so many are struggling with NC (what is it, what does it mean, how, etc)., I thought I would re-post it. I received this from a friend (who is struggling with NC) who got it from a friend (who is a firm believer in NC). Do you see yourself in the below? I hope this helps anyone struggling with NC and help others see the many benefits of NC.

 

No Contact (NC) and what it means to you!

 

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

Today is my first day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

 

1. He is MARRIED, which is to say he CHOOSES to remain COMMITTED to his WIFE of XX+ years. He is not married to me and will never be, he has not chosen to be with me, he is not committed to me.

 

2. No more GUILT about being the other woman, a homewrecker and a cheat. No more burying the shame of my secret participation in the destruction of another woman's life. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.

 

3. No more FEAR of being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more cringing with horror when the man I love accidentally calls me 'baby' in public, no more checking for cameras in elevators before kissing, no more going to backwater restaurants and dive bars, where nobody else we know would go.

 

4. No more FALSE EXPECTATIONS. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only; no more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary man. No more fake life, no more pretending.

 

5. No more booty calls. No more feeling like a sex object, a lover-come-callgirl, a comfort woman. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching him wipe my scent from his body, pull on his socks and pants and shirt and tie so he can go home to eat dinner with his wife. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.

 

6. No more SCRAPS. No more being a mistress, coming second and getting seconds. No more trying to make a relationship happen in the time leftover from his marriage and his work. No more 15 minute phone calls while he is out walking the dog, no more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, no more getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if he can come over, no more waiting for him to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

 

7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his ****ty marriage. I will no longer listen to him criticize his wife and complain about how awful she is, and then stand by as he chooses to stay with her again and again, ignorant to how much the charade hurts me. No more comforting him because she gives him no comfort, listening to him because she doesn't listen, no more loving him because he chooses to stay in a loveless marriage. I will no longer be the woman who makes it possible for him to have his cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so he can live a life and a half.

 

8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression ignored, my feelings punched and twisted like a tetherball. No more dinners and lovemaking and clandestine trips during which the sharp gauntlet of 'the affair' looms over me, even at the best of times. No more wondering about whether to issue an ultimatum, whether we could be happy together, whether I could trust him. No more one-sided commitment, no more unrequited love.

 

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more supressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house with me and have babies with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a man in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life WITH ME. He is out there, and we are going to find each other.

 

Instead:

 

10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

11. I am building a REAL LIFE. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the back alleys and cold in-betweens of HIS life. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine, for all to see. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life; I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces he is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on the fickle decisions of a married man who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

 

12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

13. My chronic DEPRESSION IS LIFTING. I am no longer trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere, there are no more emotional no-go zones in my soul, I am no longer burdened by guilt and shame. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

 

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and fantasize about finding a man who will ask me to marry him, who will father my children, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating men who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine.

Edited August 25, 2011 by fooled once

[geejayess]

7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his ****ty marriage. I will no longer listen to him criticize his wife and complain about how awful she is, and then stand by as he chooses to stay with her again and again, ignorant to how much the charade hurts me. No more comforting him because she gives him no comfort, listening to him because she doesn't listen, no more loving him because he chooses to stay in a loveless marriage. I will no longer be the woman who makes it possible for him to have his cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so he can live a life and a half.

 

 

THIS was me....

 

 

10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

This WILL BE me. I'm working on getting back my self-respect.

 

Thanks FO, I think I will have to read this every day, maybe more than once... Thinking I will put it on my phone as a memo

[Spark1111]

Wow! Empowering FO.....for any woman to read. Thanks for posting this.

[Gentlegirl]

Hope you do it all!

 

Don't forget that some of the guilt is his...you are not the only one!

 

Gentlegirl

[East7]

Love this!!! I had seen it before here but posted by a OM and he changed all the he's to she's. So I type it in big font on legal size paper, changed the she's back to he's, and made a few other personal changes like removing having babies and stuff. No more babies for me. It's hanging on my office wall. I read it often. It's powerful. Thanks for reposting the original thought. I now see the other OM poster changed more than I thought. I'll have to edit my version tomorrow.

 

LinD

 

Yes, almost a copy-paste of MorningCoffee's thread when he went NC with his xMW.

 

LinD, as a MW, it is funny you like it, because it is actually written for single APs

[TigerCub]

Hey Fooled

 

Awesome thread!

I love this quote :

 

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

for me, I guess NC was these:

6. No more SCRAPS. No more being a mistress, coming second and getting seconds. No more trying to make a relationship happen in the time leftover from his marriage and his work. No more 15 minute phone calls while he is out walking the dog, no more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, no more getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if he can come over, no more waiting for him to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

Its mainly what I put in bold because the addition to it for me was

 

"no more living out my childhood pain and my past issues of coming in second to my sister no matter how hard I tried to be good and be perfect to make my dad happy - no more reliving that in the present"

 

I felt like I was putting myself in a position where I'm playing a game that I know is rigged so that I could never win, I just kept playing because THAT pain was so familiar to me because of my childhood.

 

It was time to stop that cycle.

 

8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.

This too, I was just sick of the highs and deep deep lows - it was suffocating.

 

 

12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

It was just time to let all the toxic stuff go and be free again (truly on the inside). To just take back control and deal with this as the nice, smart, confident, pretty adult me, not the sad little insecure child me.

 

I'm so glad I made it out

[Queen of Hearts 10]

I really needed this today as I posted right above yours. My EX and

his new girlfriend contacted me last night ! It was ugly.

 

I've been in hell with him for over a year now. I can't leave him there.

 

I will always LOVE him with or with out him in my Life !

 

Thank you ! Queen of Hearts

[MLC64]

what an excellent post! I can't thank you all enough.......

truly amazing.

[nonamefornow]

Thank you for re-posting this!! So much resonates it's scary. Been crying for an hour or so b/c haven't heard from him in 5/6 hours, he has alcohol issues and is heavily medicated, yet so much in the OP lets me know I need to get out of this situation pronto!

 

Thanks again

[fooled once]

Glad this thread has been helpful for so many!

[mzdolphin]

Amen!

 

And instead of wasting time thinking "I wonder what he's doing." Let him stew about "I wonder what she's doing." And what you'll be doing is living la vida loca!

[Lostinlife4now]

Thank you fooled once! Great Post!!!!!

 

 

I have given this xMM too much head space......BuhBye!!!!!!

[White Flower]

I'm sure this post offers motivation for those who need it regarding NC, but I have a hard time with a few of the statements you make so I quit reading it. First misnomer was 'no more guilt about being a homewrecker' (#2). you're giving OW way too much credit. It's the MP who steps out on his/her M, so he/she is the homewrecker.

 

And saying 'no more booty calls' (#5) kind of makes me sad. I like demanding them as well as being asked for them and I hope it continues when we are M. As for washing my scent off him, he does/did that when he spent/spends the whole weekend with me if we head out to dinner or someplace immediately after making love. I am usure he did that with his W, and I know many MPs do that with each other. How does being an OW make the act of washing any different?

 

If I may, I think your whole premise is to make the OW feel dirty so that she repents and uses NC to aid her in her washing of her sins. It may relate to some, but not the entire OW group.

 

Out of curiosity, how would you rewrite this NC mantra if you could write it for someone who can look at the time spent with the MP as its own reward and not M as the reward?

[jthorne]

Out of curiosity, how would you rewrite this NC mantra if you could write it for someone who can look at the time spent with the MP as its own reward and not M as the reward?

if it's it's own reward, why would they even be concerned with NC? Or on a support board for affairs for that matter?

 

It appears you were so busy looking to get a dig in that you obviously didn't read the part in the beginning where FO explained that she didn't write the list; it was emailed to her from someone who was greatly benefitted by it. Nor did she say it was for all OW, just those considering or in NC. I guess maybe she assumed like the rest of us that those "happy" OW would be off being happy...

[fooled once]

I'm sure this post offers motivation for those who need it regarding NC, but I have a hard time with a few of the statements you make so I quit reading it. First misnomer was 'no more guilt about being a homewrecker' (#2). you're giving OW way too much credit. It's the MP who steps out on his/her M, so he/she is the homewrecker.

 

And saying 'no more booty calls' (#5) kind of makes me sad. I like demanding them as well as being asked for them and I hope it continues when we are M. As for washing my scent off him, he does/did that when he spent/spends the whole weekend with me if we head out to dinner or someplace immediately after making love. I am usure he did that with his W, and I know many MPs do that with each other. How does being an OW make the act of washing any different?

 

If I may, I think your whole premise is to make the OW feel dirty so that she repents and uses NC to aid her in her washing of her sins. It may relate to some, but not the entire OW group.

 

Out of curiosity, how would you rewrite this NC mantra if you could write it for someone who can look at the time spent with the MP as its own reward and not M as the reward?

 

I was going to respond, then I realized jthorne said what I was going to say. Like she said, if you read it correctly, I didn't write this. A friend sent this to me and I had posted it a year or so ago and it helped many people. Reposting this was not for your benefit; it was the for OW who are going through NC. Feel free to move on and not take digs at me or OW who are currently going through NC. I find it sad that you can't let those going through NC use whatever they need to help them to get through heartache.

 

if it's it's own reward, why would they even be concerned with NC? Or on a support board for affairs for that matter?

 

It appears you were so busy looking to get a dig in that you obviously didn't read the part in the beginning where FO explained that she didn't write the list; it was emailed to her from someone who was greatly benefitted by it. Nor did she say it was for all OW, just those considering or in NC. I guess maybe she assumed like the rest of us that those "happy" OW would be off being happy...

 

thanks jthorne. I hadn't expected responses from someone who believe they are going to be the happy wife after years of being the mistress. The title of the post and the opening paragraph clearly stated this was for those in NC.

[jthorne]

I find it sad that you can't let those going through NC use whatever they need to help them to get through

This is an interesting point since the "happy" OW here always claim that OW should be met where they are and supported accordingly. It almost seems as if a "happy" OW wants to do what they themselves suggest only if it means continuing the A.

[fooled once]

So many recently going through NC. I hope by reading this you can make the decision which is best for you ...