My fiancee has finished me after 3 years,i didnt see it coming!!

[NickT]

Ive been with my girlfriend for the past 3 years and been engaged the past year and 2 months.Yesterday morning,we were laid in bed when she went really quiet and looked stressed.I kept asking her what she was thinking but she wouldnt tell me.After around fifteen minutes of silence i got my stuff togeter and went home.I signed on msn messenger to see if she was there,and she was.I asked her to explain the problem,and she told me her feelings for me had changed and she felt she loved me for the wrong reasons.Said she only loves me as a friend.She said that she never gets those exciting feelings anymore like the ones when you start going out.I told her that i dont get them anymore,but only because im so settled now.Shes ended previous relationships through the same reason,but it makes me think,as soon as she loses the initial feelings,she wants to move on and find it again.I absolutely love her to bits and we have only ever had one fight in three years,we get on like a house on fire.A lot of people have said we are soulmates because we are so good together.Im so confused and hurt,i havent eatin in two days and feel so weak and empty.I have told her i want to talk face to face as it wasnt fair the way she told me but she says shes not ready yet.That makes me feel like she just needs a bit of space and she will realise what she has done.

Can anyone help me on this please??

[aurora19]

So she has been known to go through a pattern like this in the past? So what made you think she wouldn't do it to you? No offense, but she obviously has issues with staying put too long! She likes the excitement and the overwhelming feeling you get in the beginning, but doesn't seem to want to commit to something for far too long especially if it's lacking the euphoria of the beginning. Does she get bored easily? Does she show patterns of this in other areas of her life?

 

We all miss the way you feel when you first start out with someone, but the truest test of love is when you make it through the hard times and the times where it isn't exciting anymore. Besides if you really loved each other, wouldn't you try to make it more exciting for each other.

 

Or maybe she's getting cold feet? But I doubt she would go about dealing with it like this. By the way she blew you off, she must of been thinking about it for awhile.

 

And why would you want to be with someone who breaks off an engagement with you on messenger. She lacks respect for you and the relationship by not being mature about it and talking to you face to face. Sorry to say, but it sounds like she wants to make a quick, clean break!

[HurtPup]

Some people are in-love with the idea of being in-love. Once the excitement leaves, they feel let down, like it's always supposed to feel new.

 

Someone like that isn't good for a long-term relationship. This is a girl that if she ever does get married and the routine gets old, will be screwing around behind her husbands back to find that excitement she thinks is love.

 

She has no clue. No matter how intense those initial feelings are, they always do deminish. Realizing that is a matter of growing up and getting away from the fantasy type of relationship she thinks is real love.

 

You're better off without someone like that.

[NickT]

I spoke to her on messenger about it yesterday and told her how angry i was.She said she was sorry and it was hard for her to tell me, i told her she owes me a face to face talk.She says she isnt ready for it yet and needs some space.

About the screwing around,one of the reasons why i love her so much is because she feels so strongly about commitment and trust.She would never do that to anyone and never has.

There is a hell of a lot going on in her life at the moment,she plays a lot of pool which is her biggest thing.She has just started playing for England and also plays county and is on the national tour,so most of her time invloves this.Ive never really been against it or tried to stop her cos i support her hobbie.

She doesnt like being bored,shes always up and about,either in the pub or at bingo.We very rarely had nights in because she always wants to be out and about,bit of a party animal really,which didnt bother me because i dont like to sit about.

I asked her if she was upset but shes had over a month to prepare and shes also emotionaly tough.Her dad put her through some **** as she was growing up which has toughened her up.

We went to the Canary islands a few weeks ago,while we were laid on the beach we had a real nice kiss which put butterflies in my stomach.I reminded her about this and asked her how she felt,she said,"please dont do this".I know for a fact she felt the same but she wont admit to it.Maybe she needs some time without me contacting her to make her realise what shes done.????

[aurora19]

Dear, you sound like a really sweet and sensitive guy! It just seems like your not only making excuses for her, but your trying to convince yourself she feels another way entirely. You honestly seem to be in denial as to what is going on, you're not ready to face the truth.She simply just sounds like a girl with a lot going on who is not ready to settle, but obviously feels conflicted about that b/c she's in love with you or at least she realizes she has a good thing with you. Maybe she's not ready for the marriage thing. Did you try to take the pressure of the engagement off?

[NickT]

I admit i am a really sensitive person and sometimes it really pisses me off,but i cant help it.

When i look at what i write,i do realise im trying to make excuses for her,but its because i love her so much.I wish i didnt have too but it gives me a feelin of hope which numbs the pain a little.Everyone who i know is in shock too,and thought we were going to marry,and have kids etc.Ive never felt so empty,confused,angry and upset,ive just eaten my first proper meal which is so relieving.

If i had known her feelings a month ago,i would have mentioned the engagement,to take some pressure off.But she bottles everything up inside and seems to run away from problems instead of solving them.

One thing that baffles me is the fact she wants to keep the ring.Why is this,what if she gets another boyfriend and he asks where she got it!!

She also wants to wait before we exchange our belongings,wouldnt it be best if this was done first thing to stop future contact.Im so confused!

 

I know i drone on but ive never had my heart broken before!

[jmargel]

Nick,

 

Look at the signs she's giving. Don't necessarily read into her words. She wants to keep the ring, and doesn't want to seperate you two's belongings because she is confused. Talk to her on the phone and tell her that you understand what she might be going through but that it's tough for you as well. With that, tell her that if she wants, that you will let her be until she is ready to contact you. But that you need to continue on with your life, with or without her.

 

Don't let her think she can be with other guys while still having you for a safetly net. Alot of women do this for some reason.

 

You also need to look back and see if you two spent quality time together, not just quantity. Right now in my eyes she is acting selfish. But until you really understand why this is happening you really can't judge her. She just may not feel that 'spark' anymore. Perhaps missing you for awhile will make her realize what she is losing.

 

If you contact her alot and bug her, that'll just drive her away. I know you miss her and the last thing you can think about is doing things for yourself and having fun, but to her that'll be the biggest attraction and finding out what she is missing.

 

It's obvious that she has communication problems so perhaps you two might be able to see a councilor that could help you. Just don't let her use this 'break' as an excuse to hook up with other men. Unfortunetly some people do this from time to time. And you are right you deserve a face to face talk. Just don't push that issue. Pushing it will make her see you in person, but to tell you the same thing she told you online.

[NickT]

Im surprised at all the replies im getting and really appreciate the advice.

Thanx everyone,will use the advice given.

[aurora19]

It's OK to have hope, but eventually you have to start being realistic. You are constantly trying to squeeze hope out of everything and anyone. In many cases even when things seem OK to you and everyone else, it doesn't mean everything's OK in her head and heart. She should learn to communicate with you for sure! It's sad that she didn't discuss this with you earlier so you guys could work it out together! If someone you are going to be marrying can't figure that out, than how would she be as a wife. When you have a family if things get bad is she just going to get up and bolt one day b/c she doesn't know how to discuss things she's bottling up. You have to put things in perspective, shove the love and heartbreak out of the way and look at how someone like that would affect your future. As much as people want to believe it only takes love to marry someone, you do need to figure out if this person is capable of being a good wife and mother as well. Not being able to communicate is a big red flag! I have a feeling if you two end up back together it won't be the last time she pulls something like this. And b/c you obviously love her and want her back so badly despite her disrespectful behavior, you are giving her silent permission to stomp all over you!

 

As for keeping the ring, that's not only weird, but unfair! She's giving you false hope. She needs to stick with her decision and take steps to go about it properly. She is either keeping you hanging b/c she's afraid of her decision being wrong (are you sure there is no one else?) or she's a superficial bitch! Even if she is still confused on how she feels, she should give you back the ring and take some space to figure things out. You need to leave each other alone and both really think about this. You might think you know exactly how you feel, but do you really? You are still stuck in the storm of heartbreak, you may not be thinking rationally.

 

Waiting until she gets her stuff back, well either she is out of respect (doubt she has it) she doesn't want you to see her yet b/c you are still hurt or again she is unsure of her decision and she's stringing you along until she's certain!

 

As for when you said "what if she gets a boyfriend and he sees the ring". Well any respectable guy with pride would not get involved with a gal who still wears an engagement ring from her former fiancee. And any respectable girl would give you back the ring, especially if she pursues another relationship. If you tell her to keep it and she's honest with her new boyfriend about her past, then it shouldn't matter, unless she's wearing it on her ring finger!!!!

 

I suggest you both take some real space and figure things out and by all means try to be happy and go about your life normally (I know eaiser said then done, but it is possible. I'm doing it and if I can, you can). Let her come to you! If things are meant to be they will happen!

[NickT]

Went back to work today and felt really crap this morning as only got about 2 hours kip and couldnt stop thinking of her.Managed to cheer up as the day went on and tried to block her from my head,it worked in short spells.

We had a bit of a fallout last summer when she did the same thing by bottling her feelings up.I had upset her for some reason(cant remember excactly why) and she sort of blew her top in a quiet kind of way.She then told me that she was sick of not having enough time to see her friends and that i was stopping her from enjoying herself.We used to see her best mate quite often but i was always unsettled around her cos she occasionaly mentioned ex boyfriends.One time she actually called me by my g/f ex, which really hurt me,so after that i tried to avoid contact with her,which lead to me making excuses not to go round.I told my g/f about it and she understood and had a word with her friend about it.Its all been ok since.I was also accused of not having any ambition in life etc.

I bugged her for a while cos she wouldnt talk to me or see me.But i was advised to leave her alone to see if she would come around and she did one night when she texted me to ask what i was up to.She wanted to start again from fresh which was bizarre because we ended up really happy again with no problems until now.Was talking to her bro lastnight and he thinks i should give her time.

Also,i play pool for my county too and our next match is on the 16th of this month,and im worried how i will react to seeing her there and also knowing that most people will have heard the news.

[NickT]

Its been nearly a week now and im eating properly and sleeping better,but i still miss her so much.

I thought i had got through the crying stage (if there is one) until this morning,i feel so lonely and futureless.

I went out with a friend lastnight,we went for a few games of pool and then onto a bar where i used to work.I had it planned the past few days to go out and have some fun,but while i was out,all i could do was think about where she was,if she was out having fun.I couldnt enjoy myself so i came home and went to bed. Wherever i go,all i hear are love songs,and its doin my head in.

Twice this week we have both been online together and not said a word to each other.Im going to keep my pride and let her think im doin fine,i know its the right thing to do,but its so hard.

My dad doesnt like to get involved in my personal life but lastnight he told me how angry he was about what she has done to me.He thinks ,if she comes running back,i should give her a taste of her own medicine.But deep down i would rather make a go of it,3 years is a long time to just throw away.He also thinks i should make sure of getting my ring back,as it makes her look like a trophy hunter.

I think i should give it a few weeks and see what happens as we still need to exchange our belongings.