honeylove1027 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I must say that I never imagined that I would be in the situation that I am in right now. You see I am an unhappily married woman and I have been for several years. I married quickly for financial security (yes, I know that it was wrong). Well, I have been having an affair with a married man for 1 1/2 years. Our affair is unique because we actually lived a double life for one full year. We lived together in the same household while married to other people. When we met there were immediate attraction signs that we both tried to suppress. It started slow with just wanting to be in each others company all of the time but about 6 months later, we sort of knew that we had feelings for one another. We did not act of them, but enjoyed the refreshing conversations still. When our job forced us in the same living area for a year, the affair quickly started. I moved from my rental property into his. We spend everyday together, aside from work. We woke up each morning with hugs and kisses and bid each other a good day. We texts "miss you" throughout the day. We spend every afternoon together and every night. Our spouses were suspicious but we were able to continue without them knowing the truth. It did bother us because we knew it was wrong, but by that time we were in too deep. We actually tried several times to separate but we could not see apart. We had developed a bond. Neither one of us wanted to go home to visit our spouses and did not want the spouses to visit us. That wasn't always possible. We remained committed to each other sexually even when our spouses were there. We took trips together and really fell deeper and deeper in love. When our spouses would call we took the calls but they never knew that we were right there through it all. Well, parting was hard after the year but we tried. We went home to our messed up lives to see what was going to happen. Well, we started having major withdrawals and we didn't understand what was happening until I did the research. I was shocked that you could actually have those symptoms from an affair. We have tried several times to stop seeing each other but nothing has worked. I have filed for a divorce because I was already in a bad situation and I felt it was only right to give my husband his freedom to find someone who can love him better than i ever did. He on the other had has left but went right back to her because she threatened to expose him at this job. He has entered into counseling with her for several years before he ever met me but nothing has worked. He is living a status quo life. I have centered my live around his and I am always there for him. I have traveled 3.5 hours to see him in the afternoon knowing that I had to turn around and come back to work the next morning at 5 am. I make every effort to see him in his city but he makes none to visit me. He tells me to be patient while he figures out what to do. He does profess his love for me and has told her that he has strong feelings for me because I was there for him when she refused to be. This was after she found out just how much he and I talked on the phone. We both have pre-paid phones and only we use for each other. I feel like a fool. ONe day he says that he wants a life with me but wants to do it right and the next he says he doesn't know what the future holds. I do love him but I don't want to keep living this sinful life. I cry everyday when I think about breaking it off. I have always been in control of my life but I am scared that I will never get over this man. We talk every morning, at noon, and in the evening when he is on his way home from work. I need more in my life. I don't want to be the forbidden person in his life. I know that they say married men never leave and I am starting to believe it. Anyone with good solid advise please respond. I don't need judgement I know right from wrong and this is wrong! OK, I got that. Try not to judge people unless you have walked in their shoes. I did not give you the details about my failed marriage but it too has some ugly details but they are hurts that I just can't share with anyone. I will need therapy to deal with that pain........ Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I must say that I never imagined that I would be in the situation that I am in right now. You see I am an unhappily married woman and I have been for several years. I married quickly for financial security (yes, I know that it was wrong). Well, I have been having an affair with a married man for 1 1/2 years. Our affair is unique because we actually lived a double life for one full year. We lived together in the same household while married to other people. When we met there were immediate attraction signs that we both tried to suppress. It started slow with just wanting to be in each others company all of the time but about 6 months later, we sort of knew that we had feelings for one another. We did not act of them, but enjoyed the refreshing conversations still. When our job forced us in the same living area for a year, the affair quickly started. I moved from my rental property into his. We spend everyday together, aside from work. We woke up each morning with hugs and kisses and bid each other a good day. We texts "miss you" throughout the day. We spend every afternoon together and every night. Our spouses were suspicious but we were able to continue without them knowing the truth. It did bother us because we knew it was wrong, but by that time we were in too deep. We actually tried several times to separate but we could not see apart. We had developed a bond. Neither one of us wanted to go home to visit our spouses and did not want the spouses to visit us. That wasn't always possible. We remained committed to each other sexually even when our spouses were there. We took trips together and really fell deeper and deeper in love. When our spouses would call we took the calls but they never knew that we were right there through it all. Well, parting was hard after the year but we tried. We went home to our messed up lives to see what was going to happen. Well, we started having major withdrawals and we didn't understand what was happening until I did the research. I was shocked that you could actually have those symptoms from an affair. We have tried several times to stop seeing each other but nothing has worked. I have filed for a divorce because I was already in a bad situation and I felt it was only right to give my husband his freedom to find someone who can love him better than i ever did. He on the other had has left but went right back to her because she threatened to expose him at this job. He has entered into counseling with her for several years before he ever met me but nothing has worked. He is living a status quo life. I have centered my live around his and I am always there for him. I have traveled 3.5 hours to see him in the afternoon knowing that I had to turn around and come back to work the next morning at 5 am. I make every effort to see him in his city but he makes none to visit me. He tells me to be patient while he figures out what to do. He does profess his love for me and has told her that he has strong feelings for me because I was there for him when she refused to be. This was after she found out just how much he and I talked on the phone. We both have pre-paid phones and only we use for each other. I feel like a fool. ONe day he says that he wants a life with me but wants to do it right and the next he says he doesn't know what the future holds. I do love him but I don't want to keep living this sinful life. I cry everyday when I think about breaking it off. I have always been in control of my life but I am scared that I will never get over this man. We talk every morning, at noon, and in the evening when he is on his way home from work. I need more in my life. I don't want to be the forbidden person in his life. I know that they say married men never leave and I am starting to believe it. Anyone with good solid advise please respond. I don't need judgement I know right from wrong and this is wrong! OK, I got that. Try not to judge people unless you have walked in their shoes. I did not give you the details about my failed marriage but it too has some ugly details but they are hurts that I just can't share with anyone. I will need therapy to deal with that pain........ Good solid advice.....means what. Saying what you want to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 You say we feel this and we feel that, as if you two are a solid front. Then you say that you are in very different places in your commitment to each other. It can't be both. Do you think you've been projecting your feelings somewhat this entire time? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I say this with respect and with care and with some slight harsh reality check for you, but this isn't meant to be read as cruel, mean or judgemental. I did not give you the details about my failed marriage but it too has some ugly details but they are hurts that I just can't share with anyone. I will need therapy to deal with that pain........ Whatever hurts and pain you have/had in your marriage is still with you now, it never disappeared during your affair. Fact that you say you need therapy to deal with that pain tells me that this MM filled in the gaps and made you feel alive, wanted, desired and loved again. He was your patch, you were vunerable and made some real bad choices by cheating and living a double life. The sad thing is, now you're suffering and feeling pain again, though that original pain didn't go away it just got buried during your A with your MM. I suggest you find someone to talk to soon, to help you cope with all this. Making MM the centre of your universe, your everything isn't good because now it's gone.. He may truly love you, want you but he's chosen to work things out with his wife, reguardless of his reasons (even if you think it's crap reasons) to him, it's good enough. Whatever glue that has held them together all these years is stronger than the affair love you two shared. It was in some sense, playing house, living a fantasy, away from 'real life'. Until you two got caught. Everything has changed and it's out of your hands. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You get no say in what happens next in his marriage, how he handles things with his wife, if they work it out or if he chooses you over her. All you can do is focus on you. Take each day as it comes, keep busy, spend time with family and friends that you trust and can support you during this rough time in your life. Trying to figure out the "why's and how's" will drive you crazy. He's chosen his wife and marriage, so you need to choose "you!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author honeylove1027 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 BentnotBroken: Good Solid Advice is simply stated....If anyone can give tips on how to deal with such a situation, I will gladly accept it. It does not mean "anyone saying what I want to hear". I wouldn't even have divulged is personal information on this site if I were only interested in hearing what I wanted to hear..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author honeylove1027 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Thank you for your advice Whichwayisup! I will certainly try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author honeylove1027 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Ifwisheswerehorses: The "we" references were just that. Those were things that "we" discussed. The references to "I"was from an individual perspective only. In terms of a "united front" sadly through the facade we were a joined front. When I made references to my feelings I used "I", when I made reference to "we" those things were discussed between the two of us. When I made reference to "him" those words came from him. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 BentnotBroken: Good Solid Advice is simply stated....If anyone can give tips on how to deal with such a situation, I will gladly accept it. It does not mean "anyone saying what I want to hear". I wouldn't even have divulged is personal information on this site if I were only interested in hearing what I wanted to hear..... Fair enough. That usually isn't the concensus when newbies post. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Exactly what is she going to expose at his job, and what are the anticipated ramifications for it? He decided to cower, but another response is "Do that and I lose my job, when we file for D, I will ask for court ordered alimony since I will be unemployed. Or I can continue to support myself. Which way do you prefer it W?" Not that I think she should be put in this position, but he does have choices, and he's choosing the coward's way. The A points to that as more of a pattern with him as well. That's if you believe she threatened him. Who knows? Yep. Advice? End it. Life will go on. You will grieve, you will cry and you will hurt. You have 2 choices: 1. continue to be the happy OW and know that you are an option to him when he is a priority for you. 2. end it and find someone who wants to be with you in the open. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 his words are just that = words. if/when he does the action part that CHANGES everything - is when you can start believing his empty words. in the meantime - you stated that you seem to be in a very broken state of mind... from trauma during your M - so keep in mind you need to get to a healthy place/mindset. since he cared for the broken version of you - he may not even like you when you become more healthy. it goes that way many times. some men just like women to be broken, low sense of self or one who is willing to accept his half measures as normal. this doesn't seem like a good choice for you either - if that is what attracted him. get counseling to help you with your concerns. don't make any decisions until you are in that healthier mindset. Link to post Share on other sites
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