fell in love w/a man living a double life (had wife and kids in other country)

[liesandmorelies]

I had been dating a college educated man from Mexico, who was in the US with a work permit and waiting for his papers to go through, working with a lawyer and being sponsored by his employer.

 

He was not trying to marry me to get the greencard, since he was waiting for his papers and I went to the lawyer with him, so I know the details of the case. He told me that he was waiting for his greencard through that process, instead of marrying me. He wanted to do that because according to him, I would never know if he married me for the papers or for love.

 

We were living together, here in the states for 2 years and we had been dating for 6 months before that. He never left the country during the 2.5 years because after 9-11, he could not leave to Mexico and come back in so easily as before.

 

We were planning to be married this month, but I found out that he has a wife and kids (4year old and 7 year old) in Mexico on Wednesday afternoon.

 

I am totally devastated and cannot believe how someone could lie like that. He was living a double identity. I believe that he did love me, and was trying to build a life here with me. I feel not only hurt, but betrayed and confused and do not know what is the truth. He is in Mexico now and so I cannot talk to him to try to sort all of this out.

 

What I want to know is: has anyone else been betrayed by someone like this and if you have, please share your experience and what you did to overcome this.

 

Thank you for any help.

[HokeyReligions]

I've never been in that situation and I can't imagine the devastation you must feel. I feel so bad for you. I don't know what I could possibly say to help. I don' t know what I would do. He sounds like a charming sleaze bag and he totally used you. I'm so sorry. I hope some other posters will come here and maybe they can offer some help or insight. I do know that you are not the only person this has happened to and I'm so glad you didn't end up marrying him and that you found out before hand.

[FolderWife]

I'm so sorry, this MUST be EXTREMELY devestating. How did you find out? Is there any way this is a mistake??? What are you going to do now? He doesn't call you from Mexico?

[liesandmorelies]

I know that this is the truth since I called his aunt in Texas to find out if she knew where he was and she told me that she never heard of me and to leave him alone becuase he is a happily married man with two kids in Mexico. (My boyfriend was missing for more than 2 days and I was really worried--he had been driving from Texas to Maryland and he was missing and I afraid that something might have happened to him). There is nothing more than I want than this to be a lie. Then he finally showed up, he was ok, but I confronted him about it and he admitted to me that this was true.

 

Now I am really sad, since everything that I beleived to be true was a lie. I was going to start my life with this man and have my own life with him--a marriage and kids, but now he already has that and claims that it didnt work out with his wife, they separated a long time ago and he was trying to start again with me. I want a chance to have my own man and family, I don't want one that already has kids. I want something special. I want the dream that we all want, a happy nuclear family. I cannot have that now with him. He claims that his love is true and real for me, but how can I beleive him now?

 

And... even if I do beleive him, I still feel that he cheated me, and how can I take a 4 and a 7 year old's daddy from them? I don't see how I can do that ethically or morally, and that is not what God wants, i'm sure, so there is no getting around it, I have to break up with him.

 

But we were what you guys call "soulmates". We had a special kind of love, or so I thought, I'm not sure now. The only thing that I pray is that I am being responsible by giving him up and God will bless me because of that, with even a better man and even a better family.

 

But...it's just scary becuase I have not been out in the dating scene in 2 and 1/2 years and now I am 32 and getting old to meet my marriage partner.

 

Please write some encouraging words to me.

[FreeMe]

He was separated and wanted to start a new life with you so he didn't bother telling you about her and his children? Uh, I don't think so. His intent was to be a bigamist. I wonder what he was telling his wife all that time. That he was working hard so that he could send her money and bring her and the children to America?

 

Maybe he did love you, but he also used you and told you heinous lies. It's going to be difficult for you to get over, but you will. It will take time. Try to do nice things for yourself and know that you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything to deserve it. He relied on the fact that you and his wife were in different countries and wouldn't find out about each other. I know you will have plenty of healing to do, but it's a good thing you found out now before you got married.

[Debster]

I'm sorry about your situation. I can't imagine what you are going through.

 

I responded to let you know that 32 is NOT too late to find a marriage partner. Don't give up hope.

[FolderWife]

*sigh* he might've seemed like your soul mate, but he's not. He is that good of a liar, so he war putting on an act. He was doing and saying everything to make you THINK you were perfect for each other. He was just playing a really really good role to fool you, so he could use you.

 

Liars make the BEST partners...until you find out that everything that you thought about them was a big phoney, and everything that your love was based on is fake.

 

Definately time to move on. I dated a liar, and he was perfect for me too. Once I got it in my head that he was lying the whole time, it wasn't hard to break up with him. It was hard for a while, but you get your senses, and realize you can't live the rest of your life in a lie!

 

We were together a year and 10 months. I never saw it, until he came right out and admitted it.

[humomm]

i have had a very similar situation ..a man from mexico with a wife and two kids and me married as well..however he was up front about being married and having to return to mexico....we fell in love and it did not make parting any less painful ..maybe because you were single he felt scared t tell you the truth or else he is just a liar who wanted some nookie on the side while he wife wasnt around..probaly it is not that simple ..he should call or write from mexico if he cares to explain himself or you should try at least once to contact him to see whats up