response to sister-in-law?

[CeeJ]

One of my future sister-in-laws is really passive aggressive toward me, I have to see her all the time, and I don't know how to deal with her, except to ignore it and pretend that she's not doing exactly what she is doing...but that makes me feel kind of crappy, because I'm letting her disrespect me. I feel like she tries to make me look bad in front of other people.

 

I could give a lot of different scenarios, but there is one thing that happened that is stuck in my mind and I just can't forget it - I'm so mad at her, but also so mad at myself for not reacting differently.

 

I was at her house with a group of her friends (I had to be there), and they several of them are planning on trying to get pregnant in the near future. They were all going on and on about how they wouldn't trust their husbands with their children because they can't be trusted to actually pay attention and watch them. I said "haha it must be a guy thing, because I left fiance alone with [dog we were petsitting] for 5 minutes and when I came back his wallet was in shreds all over the floor and he had no idea!" (This is a story that he himself likes to tell people, because he thinks it's funny.)

 

His sister wouldn't look at me, but says "CeeJ, I have to ask you a question." Long pause...

Me: OK...?

Sister (glaring at me): Do you even like my brother?

 

I just looked at her blankly and said of course I think he's amazing, while her best friend looked at her like she's crazy and said "It's just girl talk."

 

Two questions: how would you have responded to this situation, and in general, how would you deal with someone like this? I can't avoid her.

Edited August 25, 2011 by CeeJ

[TigerCub]

One of my future sister-in-laws is really passive aggressive toward me, I have to see her all the time, and I don't know how to deal with her, except to ignore it and pretend that she's not doing exactly what she is doing...but that makes me feel kind of crappy, because I'm letting her disrespect me. I feel like she tries to make me look bad in front of other people.

 

I could give a lot of different scenarios, but there is one thing that happened that is stuck in my mind and I just can't forget it - I'm so mad at her, but also so mad at myself for not reacting differently.

 

I was at her house with a group of her friends (I had to be there), and they several of them are planning on trying to get pregnant in the near future. They were all going on and on about how they wouldn't trust their husbands with their children because they can't be trusted to actually pay attention and watch them. I said "haha it must be a guy thing, because I left fiance alone with [dog we were petsitting] for 5 minutes and when I came back his wallet was in shreds all over the floor and he had no idea!" (This is a story that he himself likes to tell people, because he thinks it's funny.)

 

His sister wouldn't look at me, but says "CeeJ, I have to ask you a question." Long pause...

Me: OK...?

Sister (glaring at me): Do you even like my brother?

 

I just looked at her blankly and said of course I think he's amazing, while her best friend looked at her like she's crazy and said "It's just girl talk."

 

Two questions: how would you have responded to this situation, and in general, how would you deal with someone like this? I can't avoid her.

 

There has to be more to all this - because she seems to actually think you mistreat her brother. I dunno that's just the vibe I'm getting from this story because why would someone take a little story like that and make it an issue.

 

Do any of your other examples of incidents with her revolve around the issue of you maybe not treating her brother so well?

 

Otherwise, she just seems petty.

 

as to what I would have said - I would have said "Darn right I like him, especially when he's going down on me" **then smiled angelically**

 

I personally wouldn't have taken the serious/need to defend myself approach that you did. I would have just left her with that nice image instead

[sweetypielovely]

Im wondering why she thinks you dont like her brother?

 

Maybe she felt you were disrespecting him by your comment, and was trying to think of something to say in front of those women. It seems like she doesnt think your right for him.

 

See im snotty and i would have said, "Yeah i hate him. Thats why we have sex every night and i screw his brains out."

Hahaa

[CeeJ]

 

Do any of your other examples of incidents with her revolve around the issue of you maybe not treating her brother so well?

 

She treats me badly in general, but I do have many examples that revolve around her brother.

 

Some random examples of both are:

 

• She invited us to a party she was hosting; I asked about dress code and she said jeans/casual; up until the day of the party she told me that it was casual and that she didn't know what she was going to wear; I show up wearing jeans, and all the girls are wearing semi-formal cocktail dresses.
  
• She asks me if I like her little lap dog and I say he's cute and she says why lie to me, I thought you hated little dogs.
  
• Long story, but twice in a row I had long-standing plans my bf knew about; and someone needed to be home for a specific reason, and both times he called me to say he had decided to go out with friends, so I needed to leave my plans early. The second time I was understandably annoyed, and his sister made some comment about how I "always seemed to be irritated" at her brother
  
• Another girl had just gotten married, and found that she and her husband fought most over the guest list. She said her husband kept adding people to the list that he hadn't seen in years, or who's last name he didn't know - I laughed and said "us too!" and his sister told me in front of this girl that our wedding would suck because I was being a Nazi about the guest list and we would only have 30 guests if we didn't invite 10x more people than we wanted to come, so her brother should be allowed to do whatever he wants
  

 

Every single time she or one of her friends invites me or both of us to do something and we say we can't go, she hounds us until we give her a specific reason we can't go (having made other plans first and there being no way to do both is the only acceptable answer), and then during the party or whatever that we are not at, she will text my fiance "what're you up to" to try to double check that we give her the same answer we gave when we said we couldn't go.

[CeeJ]

And I have never cheated on my fiance or anything like that...

[turnera]

The best way to deal with such a person is ask her flat out to her face - hopefully in front of the rest of the family - 'you seem to have an issue with me, as you continuously try to call me out on things - do you want to discuss why you don't like me?'

[bentnotbroken]

The best way to deal with such a person is ask her flat out to her face - hopefully in front of the rest of the family - 'you seem to have an issue with me, as you continuously try to call me out on things - do you want to discuss why you don't like me?'

 

 

Ditto. I would also add that you and she can try to behave like two mature adults(like or dislike) or the way she has been acting up to this point.

[turnera]

Actually, if I tried what I suggest and she still rebuffed me, the stubborn in me would then begin having fun at her expense, in front of others. "Oh, dear, did you really mean to say that? I can't imagine you meant it seriously!'

[TigerCub]

She treats me badly in general, but I do have many examples that revolve around her brother.

 

Some random examples of both are:

 

• She invited us to a party she was hosting; I asked about dress code and she said jeans/casual; up until the day of the party she told me that it was casual and that she didn't know what she was going to wear; I show up wearing jeans, and all the girls are wearing semi-formal cocktail dresses.
  
• She asks me if I like her little lap dog and I say he's cute and she says why lie to me, I thought you hated little dogs.
  
• Long story, but twice in a row I had long-standing plans my bf knew about; and someone needed to be home for a specific reason, and both times he called me to say he had decided to go out with friends, so I needed to leave my plans early. The second time I was understandably annoyed, and his sister made some comment about how I "always seemed to be irritated" at her brother
  
• Another girl had just gotten married, and found that she and her husband fought most over the guest list. She said her husband kept adding people to the list that he hadn't seen in years, or who's last name he didn't know - I laughed and said "us too!" and his sister told me in front of this girl that our wedding would suck because I was being a Nazi about the guest list and we would only have 30 guests if we didn't invite 10x more people than we wanted to come, so her brother should be allowed to do whatever he wants
  

 

Every single time she or one of her friends invites me or both of us to do something and we say we can't go, she hounds us until we give her a specific reason we can't go (having made other plans first and there being no way to do both is the only acceptable answer), and then during the party or whatever that we are not at, she will text my fiance "what're you up to" to try to double check that we give her the same answer we gave when we said we couldn't go.

 

Thanks for the examples.

 

They all seem very childish and she's totally over stepping her bounds.

The dress thing - fine, its a crappy thing to do but whatever. But for the rest of it, she just seems really ridiculous and childish.

 

In the future, if she accuses you of mistreating her brother, just tell her "Its best you mind your own business. He's always been free to go whenever he wanted so he must be with me for a reason" and leave it at that.

 

how old is she?

 

what does your bf think of all this?

 

ETA: I dunno why, but I'm assuming this girl doesn't have a bf.

If that's the case, one way to shut her up for good when she tries to interfere in your R with your bf is to tell her

"Honey, I know you don't have anyone special in your life, but please don't try to make up for what's missing in your life by trying to meddle in our relationship."

and then if you really wanna be mean and condescending, you can finish it off with "don't worry, you'll find someone..." and give her a big winning smile.

 

I think that would shut her up.

Edited August 26, 2011 by TigerCub

[turnera]

I disagree that direct confrontation is the proper approach.

 

Instead, find out what kind of baked goods or candy is her favorite/irresistible to her, and start buying her these little treats, or have her favorite treats around when you know you both will be at the same place or event.

 

Over time--and it might not even take very long--she will begin to associate you with her favorite treats which stimulate her endorphins.

 

You will create a conditioned response in which she unconsciously makes a connection between her favorite treats and you and she will begin to like you in spite of herself.

wow...ok. Reminds me of Big Bang Theory.

[CeeJ]

 

how old is she?

 

what does your bf think of all this?

 

 

She is in her 30s (shocking she would act like a middle school girl right? ), and she is engaged...I am in her wedding, which is why I have to see her all the damn time.

 

My friends and I call her and her friends (who I also have to see all the time, thanks to the bridesmaid thing) Mean Girls because that's exactly what they are... and there are 4 of them that loosely match up to the girls from the movie in looks, not to mention their ****ty behavior.

 

I haven't said anything to my fiance about *most* of her behavior, because I haven't wanted to cause any problems, and also partly because a lot of the things she does and says are things that girls definitely pick up on and know are ****ty, but guys seem to be clueless and not get it.

 

But on top of that, if I point out something his sister does or says, he thinks I'm overreacting and being too sensitive, but if I do/say the exact same thing as her I'm not being nice.

 

Example:

Regarding something related to her wedding, that she had previously sent an email saying she would look into by xx date that affected me: xx date passed, and I responded to the email asking if she had heard anything. Her response was kind of bitchy, and I think if one of her friends had done the same thing, she would have responded differently.

 

A few days after that email, she texted my fiance asking him if one of my relatives that she invited to her wedding was coming (whose phone number she has, as well as email address). He asked me what he should say. I repeated (some of) her words to me right back: "That's a great question! Feel free to call xx person at xxx number to see if they're coming! Hopefully they are!" And my bf thought I was being too sensitive when she said that to me, and thought I was being rude when I said he should say that to her (which OK I was, but if it's rude of me, how is it not rude of her?). She texted him asking if this person + date was coming because they "never responded to the invitation" - which is so ****ing stupid, because her "respond by" date that is printed on the invite is several days away.

[turnera]

I'm sensing a problem with your communication, you and your fiance. Have you two done any counseling or schooling in how to communicate? Neither of you seems to really 'hear' and 'understand' and 'get' what the other says or feels.

[CeeJ]

I'm sensing a problem with your communication, you and your fiance. Have you two done any counseling or schooling in how to communicate? Neither of you seems to really 'hear' and 'understand' and 'get' what the other says or feels.

 

We will be doing premarital counseling in a couple months. I agree that we both need to work on communication, but I do think that part of the problem in the specific example I gave is that over the last 30+ years he has gotten used to his sister being a self-absorbed, vain, competitive bitch (his words, except for bitch, which is mine) and expects that of her, while I am way too nice in general, and he doesn't understand me acting the same way as his sister.

[turnera]

Then spend the next 2 months reading and rereading The Dance Of Anger so you'll learn to stand up for yourself.