scaredandalone1223 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I've posted before about my dislike for my husband's best male friend. Here is the full backstory http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281735/ Basically, this is the friend my husband moved in with when we were separated. He is also the friend that helped my husband 'connect' with a female during our separation. There are numerous reasons why I do not like this guy but I understand he and my husband have been friends for many years. My husband doesn't have a lot of friends as he takes the word "friend" VERY seriously. I have not, not will I, give my husband a me vs. him scenario. Although secretly I do wish my husband would see this guy for what he is and walk away. Now to my question. My husband will be going to this friends house this weekend for a MMA PPV event. My husband told the friend I would be joining him this time. The friend agreed although he did point on that there would be some people there who did not care for me (nor me them). So should I really go? Am I just being selfish by going? If I do go will it be mainly because I have an ulterior motive to make sure that they all know that when I'm not there it's not because my husband agrees with how they feel towards me? Is it really worth the point I'm trying to prove to have to be around them? Will I end up miserable, thus making my husband miserable and cause more harm than good when all is said and done? I'm really torn between whether to go even though I dislike them and probably be miserable or let my husband go alone, again, to a place I'm not necessarily 'wanted' but 'allowed' to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) If it were me, I would go. In life you have to interact with people in various situations you don't like and who don't like you. It's part of being an adult. There's no reason you have to be super chummy with these people or put up some fake facade. Just be polite and cordial. I would focus on having fun with my husband. He likes MMA stuff (my H does too by the way) so take this opportunity to connect with him and take an interest in something that he finds interesting. After my H started getting interested in MMA fights, I joined him and much to my surprise, I found an interest in it too. Who knew. He taught me what to look for in a fight, what techniques and tactics work for different body types. I didn't think I would because it's so far from my usual recreational interests. Edited August 25, 2011 by Afishwithabike spelling Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 My husband will be going to this friends house this weekend for a MMA PPV event. My husband told the friend I would be joining him this time. The friend agreed although he did point on that there would be some people there who did not care for me (nor me them). The friend pointed that out to your husband, or to you? Meaning, did your husband point out to you that these other people would be there? If so, why? Since this is your husband's crowd, he should have some influence in how you are treated. Your role is to go and be respectful and polite, as fish described. HIS role is to make sure nobody in his crowd disrespects you. He should be able to assure you that his crowd will be equally respectful, and HE needs to be prepared to leave with you if they are not. I would go, provided my partner could assure me of the above, and I trusted him to follow through. And then I'd be relaxed enough to actually have a decent time Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredandalone1223 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Thanks. I went and things actually turned out better than expected. I was social and noone really seemed to have a problem with me being there. I enjoyed the fight, we had a lot of good laughs and our children enjoyed playing with their children. Well my BIL's wife didn't speak, but then again who knows what her problem is. She doesn't really like any of my husband's family and for some reason hates me. I've yet to figure out her reason behind that but it is very obvious. The one thing that the whole thing did drag up was the overwhelming emotions I felt when my husband and I were separated. I guess it was going to the house where he stayed. Taking the 45 minute drive that he took everyday for a month. Then there was the knowing he was up at night texting another female while he was in that house. Knowing how closer friends my husband's friend and this other person still are. In my mind I think I'm over it. Nothing really happened. We were separated and headed to divorce when it did happen. My husband did nothing wrong. So why when do I still get these overwhelming bouts of emotion over it? I go months without thinking about it and as soon as his friend calls to invite him over the emotions come flooding back. I think I've completely worked through it and BAM....hits me like a ton of bricks! Maybe I should make an appt. to see our counselor by myself and talk it over with her. I do not want to let my husband know it still bothers me. After all it was only him texting/ emailing someone for 3 short weeks while we weren't together 9 months ago with one meeting at a pizza place with his friend there. So yeah I know it shouldn't bother me....so why does it???? Link to post Share on other sites
cdm369 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Been in a similar situation. Its always hard when circumstance bring you back around those people and places. Its hard for people who haven't been through that to understand that it brings up memmories. We are told to forgive and forget but the forgetting part is something people aren't good at. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 The one thing that the whole thing did drag up was the overwhelming emotions I felt when my husband and I were separated. I guess it was going to the house where he stayed. Taking the 45 minute drive that he took everyday for a month. Then there was the knowing he was up at night texting another female while he was in that house. Knowing how closer friends my husband's friend and this other person still are. In my mind I think I'm over it. Nothing really happened. We were separated and headed to divorce when it did happen. My husband did nothing wrong. So why when do I still get these overwhelming bouts of emotion over it? I go months without thinking about it and as soon as his friend calls to invite him over the emotions come flooding back. I think I've completely worked through it and BAM....hits me like a ton of bricks! Maybe I should make an appt. to see our counselor by myself and talk it over with her. I do not want to let my husband know it still bothers me. After all it was only him texting/ emailing someone for 3 short weeks while we weren't together 9 months ago with one meeting at a pizza place with his friend there. So yeah I know it shouldn't bother me....so why does it???? You didn't expect him to form any kind of attachment, no matter how mild, to another woman during the separation and he did. I think on some level when people separate they hope, even if they don't want their partner back, that their partner is missing them deeply and isn't seeing anyone else. When you see evidence to the contrary, it bothers you. That's a very human reaction. It's a good idea to get some sessions with a counselor so that you can sort your feelings from that time period. Link to post Share on other sites
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