Thoughts about porn, self esteem & moving on with my life

[FarmGirl]

My XH & I had an active and fun sex life. We watched porn a little together but mostly just enjoyed each other.

 

I had an XBF who had serious porn habits, we never watched it together but he was very open about it although a bit ashamed of his frequency. The best sex I ever had was with him.

 

Fast forward to current relationship: we've been together 9 1/2 years and he has had ED and porn issues the entire time. He is secretive about it. His computer(s) are like Fort Knox.

 

He literally WILTS under my touch when we become intimate. I'm terrified of touching him. I'm so revolted by him at this point that it's almost comical. He will "work" in his office and then come to bed late at night (ie 3 AM or so when I have to be up at 7:30) (after watching porn of course) with a raging hard-on and expect me to take care of it. (eta - but if I attempt to take care of it it just wilts away into nothing...) He hasn't come to bed with me most nights for the last 8 years so HE has been the deterrent to intimacy not me.

 

In the beginning I was so hot for him. I initiated all the time and did fun, sexy things for him and he seemed to like it. But he gradually pulled away from me and spent more and more time hiding in his computer world.

 

I hate who I've become. I'm angry, self conscious, withdrawn, paranoid and just a wreck emotionally.

 

He lies all the time, so I believe nothing he says. Imagine living your life standing on quicksand. One false move and you're sucked under...that's what it's like here.

 

We've been to counseling (he lied & charmed her). He denies using porn, but he's been caught a 1000 times. He can't even function sexually WITH ME (using viagra) but there is clear evidence he whacks it to internet porn all the time (black light anyone? SO. GROSS.).

 

The intent of this long diatribe is: how do *I* personally get over having my self worth destroyed by this man? How do I ever trust anyone again?

 

 

I'm fairly certain I will be single forever because now I'll never be able to hear a man speaking to me and not assume he's lying. Pretty sure years of counseling would help eh? At this point I am completely against porn in relationships due to what has happened in mine so ever finding someone who agreed with that (without being religious) will be next to impossible anyways...

 

Last summer I had a brief but potentially very steamy A with someone close to me. We made out like teenagers but never slept together. What was odd was my emotional reaction to it...my heart was untouchable. I didn't do it to get laid (because I didn't), I didn't do it to find a new boyfriend, I didn't do it to flaunt in SO's face to provoke a reaction...

 

It was like kissing him let me know that I still had value and worth as a woman...

 

It was like kissing him was a tool to pry open my eyes to what was wrong here...

 

I do believe it was the wrong thing to do, and I stopped all contact with him in Dec. He does keep popping up in my life, but I refuse all discussions and shut him down immediately. Heh, I'm great at NC...!

 

Honestly, half of me feels like staying here (the known enemy) and half of me wants to run away. If you've read my other threads you'll see that this is a drop in the bucket for what's really going on in this house...but this is a biggie for me.

 

Hope this all made sense...typing with interruptions from my 4yo...

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well ...

 

I hope my post here does not come off as harsh.

 

The intent of this long diatribe is: how do *I* personally get over having my self worth destroyed by this man? How do I ever trust anyone again?

 

Well, the first step would be to NOT REMAIN in a relationship that you feel is 100% negative, with a person whom you believe to be despicable. Where none of your needs are met.

 

I did respond to your threads in the past, and frankly, I was surprised and sad for you to see that you stayed involved in this sick relationship.

 

By this time, I believe it's useless and counterproductive for you to continue to enumerate all the bad points and wretched behavior of this man you choose to spend your life with. Clearly, you are very aware of them by now. So are we.

 

Yet, you CHOOSE to be in a relationship with him.

 

It all sounds extremely co-dependent to me. There has to be significant secondary gain for you to remain in the relationship.

 

I believe that, since you are participating fully and actively in keeping this (IMO) very unhealthy relationship afloat, it would be best for you and for your child to just make the best of it. What are the reasons you are there? Try to focus on them. Because, he is not going to change. He IS the person you are choosing to spend your life with.

 

If you do decide to break this off and move on (which would be my vote as it was last year), I'm sure you can and will find a lot of support to help you manage that. But that would DEPEND UPON YOU, AND YOU ALONE to initiate.

 

A group like Co-dependents Anonymous, or Al-Anon, if there is substance abuse involved, could help you.

[FarmGirl]

Well ...

 

I hope my post here does not come off as harsh.

 

 

 

Well, the first step would be to NOT REMAIN in a relationship that you feel is 100% negative, with a person whom you believe to be despicable. Where none of your needs are met.

 

I did respond to your threads in the past, and frankly, I was surprised and sad for you to see that you stayed involved in this sick relationship.

 

By this time, I believe it's useless and counterproductive for you to continue to enumerate all the bad points and wretched behavior of this man you choose to spend your life with. Clearly, you are very aware of them by now. So are we.

 

Yet, you CHOOSE to be in a relationship with him.

 

It all sounds extremely co-dependent to me. There has to be significant secondary gain for you to remain in the relationship.

 

I believe that, since you are participating fully and actively in keeping this (IMO) very unhealthy relationship afloat, it would be best for you and for your child to just make the best of it. What are the reasons you are there? Try to focus on them. Because, he is not going to change. He IS the person you are choosing to spend your life with.

 

If you do decide to break this off and move on (which would be my vote as it was last year), I'm sure you can and will find a lot of support to help you manage that. But that would DEPEND UPON YOU, AND YOU ALONE to initiate.

 

A group like Co-dependents Anonymous, or Al-Anon, if there is substance abuse involved, could help you.

 

 

I didn't take your reply as harsh at all. I'm so enmeshed in my own misery I can't think straight & I don't need or want coddling.

 

I've begun not to trust my decision making skills at this point. I feel like whatever move I make will just end in disaster anyways.

 

I *KNOW* I need something different than this. I've spent hours this week reading about how to extricate myself from a relationship with a narcissist.

 

The biggest thing that keeps sticking out is how much I don't want to be perceived as failing in yet another relationship (according to my mother)...

 

:/

Thanks for listening and responding. I do take it all in and ponder it.

XX

[dreamingoftigers]

So essentially you are going to live a life without passion and intimacy to win the "I am not a failure " argument with your mother?

 

Staying in this relationship the way it is. That is choosing relational failure.

 

She wins either way.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Honestly -

 

You're going to have to stop thinking about it, bite the bullet, and get out of it. Screw what your mom thinks. It's your life; you aren't getting another one. Is this how you want to spend it?

 

OR, accept the relationship, and the person you are having it with, as YOUR OWN CHOICES and figure out how to have a decent life within those parameters.

 

Just being there and hating him / it is sick for YOU and I'm sure it's not doing right by your little one, either.

[FarmGirl]

So essentially you are going to live a life without passion and intimacy to win the "I am not a failure " argument with your mother?

 

Staying in this relationship the way it is. That is choosing relational failure.

 

She wins either way.

 

 

Is there passion and intimacy? How does anyone believe in it after all this?

 

(what I am currently doing is hiding from the pain until I can't take it anymore, then I come on LS & get someone to prod at me until I can feel pain again - I NEVER cry until I am posting here)...

[FarmGirl]

Honestly -

 

You're going to have to stop thinking about it, bite the bullet, and get out of it. Screw what your mom thinks. It's your life; you aren't getting another one. Is this how you want to spend it?

 

OR, accept the relationship, and the person you are having it with, as YOUR OWN CHOICES and figure out how to have a decent life within those parameters.

 

Just being there and hating him / it is sick for YOU and I'm sure it's not doing right by your little one, either.

 

I worry about the 4yo so much. He has never seen a normal loving relationship...only a broken one.

 

My mortgage mod is in process right now. If it goes thru then I can afford the house on my own easily. Send good thoughts to the B of A mod people!

[dreamingoftigers]

Been there, done that.

 

Hide from the pain and release it because you KNOW DAMN WELL that he won't tolerate listening to it and he will either bitch at you or run.

 

So you are going to the outside to express it and process it so that you can desensitize yourself to stay in the relationship longer and hold out hope.

 

That is also why you are still financially dependent on him. Why you haven't been able to scrape up other cash to move OR twist his arm to get the kid into daycare.

 

Holding out hope because the 5% of a relationship you have is better then the nothing you will have for a little bit and you already think you can't have it with someone else because you are "too damaged" anyways.

 

If I sound angry, I am, but not at you: at me. I can just spot the same BS is all.

 

This guy is a rotten lemon. All your sweetness in the world is not going to turn him into palatable lemonade.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are not going to be comfortable about sex until you are out of there.

 

Or all of a sudden the hand of God whacks him on the back of the head snd he is cured.

 

You can't have fried nerves and feel sexual passion.

 

Even if you torch one nice dating relationship and realize your initial paranoia, it is way better then proclaiming a death sentence on your sex life.

[FarmGirl]

Been there, done that.

 

Hide from the pain and release it because you KNOW DAMN WELL that he won't tolerate listening to it and he will either bitch at you or run.

 

So you are going to the outside to express it and process it so that you can desensitize yourself to stay in the relationship longer and hold out hope.

 

That is also why you are still financially dependent on him. Why you haven't been able to scrape up other cash to move OR twist his arm to get the kid into daycare.

 

Holding out hope because the 5% of a relationship you have is better then the nothing you will have for a little bit and you already think you can't have it with someone else because you are "too damaged" anyways.

 

If I sound angry, I am, but not at you: at me. I can just spot the same BS is all.

 

This guy is a rotten lemon. All your sweetness in the world is not going to turn him into palatable lemonade.[/Quote]

 

I wonder what is wrong with us!

 

Deep inside I relish the thought of being free yet I lack the basic ability to end it with him.

 

I keep hoping he'll cheat on me so I can go in a blaze of dysfunctional self-righteous glory lol...

[FarmGirl]

You are not going to be comfortable about sex until you are out of there.

 

Or all of a sudden the hand of God whacks him on the back of the head snd he is cured.

 

You can't have fried nerves and feel sexual passion.

 

Even if you torch one nice dating relationship and realize your initial paranoia, it is way better then proclaiming a death sentence on your sex life.

 

I wasted my 30s on a man who wasn't interested in a flesh and blood woman!

I miss SEX!

[Mme. Chaucer]

then, stop wasting and squandering yourself and your vitality, your LIFE, NOW.

 

You are full of excuses.

 

I am more sympathetic when the person says that they are so in love they can't go, but you claim to have NOTHING but disgust for him.

 

Farmgirl - you cannot go on blaming this person for the ruination of your life.

 

GET OUT.

 

YOU are wasting YOUR OWN LIFE.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's funny because I kind of wish he would get a gf too. Then I could just leave. BUT we have this kink in our heads that would still make havelock we had to fight for it. Retardedly.

 

We would never wish this on our daughters, but "it's different" with our guy because once upon a time he made us feel the most special we ever did. He "healed our broken hearts and chased us down."

 

Well, then he stopped and took our hearts and threw them against the wall and shattered them like glass.

 

Does that feel perma-damaged? You bet it does.

 

We keep hoping that buddy will wake up, grab his glue gun and put our hearts back together.

 

But he won't. He's busy.

 

So now we have to sweep them up, make sure we've got all the pieces and go.

 

Hearts aren't like vases. It will go back together on it's own. We just can't keep handing these guys the broken pieces when all they do is fling them again.

 

You know you have to leave when heartbreak is just that thing that happens every Tuesday and that intimacy is that thing that happens once in awhile that isn't a big deal. Relationships are supposed to be the other way around.

[dreamingoftigers]

then, stop wasting and squandering yourself and your vitality, your LIFE, NOW.

 

You are full of excuses.

 

I am more sympathetic when the person says that they are so in love they can't go, but you claim to have NOTHING but disgust for him.

 

Farmgirl - you cannot go on blaming this person for the ruination of your life.

 

GET OUT.

 

YOU are wasting YOUR OWN LIFE.

 

It is that horrible idea us Codependents get that we don't want to lose our investment so we'll wait for the market to recover.

 

Jeez Louise. We stay long after the stock has gone off the market and the company bankrupts.

 

We are in the Pan-Am of relationships.

 

When it is comes to intimacy, my husband is Linens & Things. I am not going to get my investment back. And trying to put all if my worth into such a company would only be fruitless and detrimental.

[FarmGirl]

It is that horrible idea us Codependents get that we don't want to lose our investment so we'll wait for the market to recover.

 

Jeez Louise. We stay long after the stock has gone off the market and the company bankrupts.

 

We are in the Pan-Am of relationships.

 

When it is comes to intimacy, my husband is Linens & Things. I am not going to get my investment back. And trying to put all if my worth into such a company would only be fruitless and detrimental.

 

Mine is the Blockbuster of relationships...every once in awhile he has big *title* and I think that everything is going to be ok. Turns out 99% of his titles are duds & his business model is rapidly becoming outdated

[FarmGirl]

I sabotage myself. All the time.

 

I make bad decisions.

 

I choose the road most harmful.

 

I have no idea why.

 

It is completely subconscious, because when I make a decision I firmly believe it will have the best and happiest outcome.

 

Weird.

[betterdeal]

So you continue to abuse him and he continues to abuse you. What do you want from life?

[FarmGirl]

So you continue to abuse him and he continues to abuse you. What do you want from life?

 

How do I abuse him?

Please enlighten me.

[FarmGirl]

I cook, bake, clean, sew, garden, raise chickens, do yardwork, currently coordinating and paying for much needed home repairs, I cared for his mother 24/7 while she was dying, 99% of the time I have dinner ready when he comes home, I do the laundry, make him coffee before work, handle all life's affairs including saving his mother's estate from probate in California, I raise the 4yo nearly on my own...and have been ignored and not taken care of for 9 1/2 years so if someone wants to show me how that's abusing my SO please do...

[betterdeal]

You abuse him by teaching him it's okay to be a porn addict. You cater for his every need, thus supporting his addiction. Okay, some may call that enabling, but it's the other side of the same coin. The point is, you complain about it and you know it's hurting you, but you continue to support his addiction and so lay the seeds of your own misery.

 

And I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. Its extremely disorientating and it chews up your self-esteem and happiness, and the cruel part of that is you become so unsure and unhappy you become scared to change anything, thus compounding the problem.

 

What do you want from life?

[FarmGirl]

You abuse him by teaching him it's okay to be a porn addict. You cater for his every need, thus supporting his addiction. Okay, some may call that enabling, but it's the other side of the same coin. The point is, you complain about it and you know it's hurting you, but you continue to support his addiction and so lay the seeds of your own misery.

 

And I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. Its extremely disorientating and it chews up your self-esteem and happiness, and the cruel part of that is you become so unsure and unhappy you become scared to change anything, thus compounding the problem.

 

What do you want from life?

 

That makes sense! I was honestly trying to figure how I was being horrible to him (in my small scope of things...) since I try so hard to be the "perfect wife" to him.

 

(((What you said here is so true "Its extremely disorientating and it chews up your self-esteem and happiness, and the cruel part of that is you become so unsure and unhappy you become scared to change anything, thus compounding the problem.")))

 

What do I want from life? I think just peace.

[betterdeal]

I'm glad you agree!

 

As Buddhists might say, if your words and your actions do not match, there can be no peace. Note, "your words" not "what you say" i.e. it is what you feel and say to yourself, not what you say to others that needs to match your actions to find peace.

 

So how does that affect you? Well, you're trying to be the perfect wife for him, not for you. When what you want is peace, not to be a perfect wife. So you're doing something does goes against your wishes, your words.

 

What I suggest is you start doing some things purely for yourself. Be completely selfish in a harmless and healthy way. Go for a massage, or a walk, or get a hair cut for your sake. Pamper yourself. You are your own best friend - the only person who will be with you from cradle to grave is you. Get to know yourself and treat yourself. Eat well. Sleep well. Start putting some of your energy into you.

 

This will build your strength. You may have a long, steep climb ahead of you so you're going to need it. To be in the right frame of mind to find that peace you're looking for.

[FarmGirl]

I'm glad you agree!

 

As Buddhists might say, if your words and your actions do not match, there can be no peace. Note, "your words" not "what you say" i.e. it is what you feel and say to yourself, not what you say to others that needs to match your actions to find peace.

 

So how does that affect you? Well, you're trying to be the perfect wife for him, not for you. When what you want is peace, not to be a perfect wife. So you're doing something does goes against your wishes, your words.

 

What I suggest is you start doing some things purely for yourself. Be completely selfish in a harmless and healthy way. Go for a massage, or a walk, or get a hair cut for your sake. Pamper yourself. You are your own best friend - the only person who will be with you from cradle to grave is you. Get to know yourself and treat yourself. Eat well. Sleep well. Start putting some of your energy into you.

 

This will build your strength. You may have a long, steep climb ahead of you so you're going to need it. To be in the right frame of mind to find that peace you're looking for.

 

 

I understand what you mean about needing strength. I feel like all my reserves are gone. I've spent so much time fitting myself into the mold of who I *think* I need to be in order to not rock the boat that I'm just worn out now. Perhaps this is part of why the thought of really ending with him is so daunting. I have no one but myself to lean on when it's over (not even ONE girlfriend...) and I'm not sure I can do it.

 

I mean logically I know I can. I've picked up the pieces before. But yikes.

Just yikes.

 

I have at least been putting a little thought into caring for myself this last week or so. That's unusual for me. I'm the one who puts others first even about my own health and well-being...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am not accusing you of being an abuser ...

 

But, I agree that co-dependency can border on a form of abuse.

 

My ex husband the permanently relapsed heroin addict and his mother ... oh, God. You should have seen the sickness within that co-dependent relationship. Yet, she always had the "out" of being the giver, the taken advantage of, the used and abused, who loved ...

 

Plus, though it's not abusive, it certainly is toxic and sick to be in a relationship with a person you despise.

[FarmGirl]

I am not accusing you of being an abuser ...

 

But, I agree that co-dependency can border on a form of abuse.

 

My ex husband the permanently relapsed heroin addict and his mother ... oh, God. You should have seen the sickness within that co-dependent relationship. Yet, she always had the "out" of being the giver, the taken advantage of, the used and abused, who loved ...

 

Plus, though it's not abusive, it certainly is toxic and sick to be in a relationship with a person you despise.

 

(laughs) I'm definitely the martyr here & I'm not too proud of it really.

 

He definitely needs help and you guys are right that as long as I enable him by being the perfect wife he has no motive to better himself (for at least his children's sake, if not his own...).