Thoughts about porn, self esteem & moving on with my life

[FarmGirl]

The relationship has already failed, it just need to be buried.

 

Maybe a funeral ceremony will help.

I'm serious.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or at least upgrade to Netflix.

[dreamingoftigers]

The most loving thing that your can do for your partner is to let him manage himself. And you manage yourself.

 

It is a very hard thing to do oftentimes.

[betterdeal]

I understand what you mean about needing strength. I feel like all my reserves are gone. I've spent so much time fitting myself into the mold of who I *think* I need to be in order to not rock the boat that I'm just worn out now. Perhaps this is part of why the thought of really ending with him is so daunting. I have no one but myself to lean on when it's over (not even ONE girlfriend...) and I'm not sure I can do it.

 

I mean logically I know I can. I've picked up the pieces before. But yikes.

Just yikes.

 

Of course you can! You have us guys to talk to. Sometimes you have to let go of something you love to find out what else is out there. It's daunting, sure, but maybe you need buddies, friends, a social life and that's going to be part of the solution.

 

I have at least been putting a little thought into caring for myself this last week or so. That's unusual for me. I'm the one who puts others first even about my own health and well-being...

 

Really, you need to strike a balance. It's going to take you time to adjust to getting it right, but you're on the right path. You know this life you're leading is wrong, but you're afraid. I understand why you try to be perfect for him - we often think that if someone abuses us we deserved it and so we try to make amends. But the truth is sometimes people do bad things, and it's that simple.

 

Have a hot bath, get a good novel and immerse yourself in that, and spend some time on you. When you're ready, look into assertiveness training and emotional abuse. I found this book quite balanced and helpful in understanding just how abusive my relationships had been and it gives good advice on how to break the patterns: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036

Edited August 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[dreamingoftigers]

And try to make a friend.

That has been a major obstacle to me too. But my very best friend just moved back into town last month.

[FarmGirl]

My next door neighbor (a woman about 10 yrs older than me) is going out of town so I am caring for her cats. We've been gradually becoming more friendly and today she could tell I'm not my *usual self* so she poked at my shell until a little bit of my situation came through. Then we talked for about an hour and she listened and offered much of the same advice I received here.

 

I have a friend in real life who is in my corner now.

I'm so happy.

 

It's so much easier for someone right next door to keep me on track as far as dealing with my situation, than it is for someone on a message board.

She can come over and yell at me in person

 

PS I did feel terribly disloyal and petty talking about SO like I did today. I'm trained so well...

[betterdeal]

Good to hear you're reaching out. What else have you done for yourself today? What made you smile?

[FarmGirl]

Good to hear you're reaching out. What else have you done for yourself today? What made you smile?

 

I had a coffee date with my 4yo (only I had coffee LOL).

I went to a few local yard sales and found some treasures.

I am in the process of listing things on my etsy shop.

I haven't had anything on it since last fall sadly.

 

No more sabotaging myself.

[betterdeal]

Good to hear. Keep on looking after yourself and your child. You're going to rebuild yourself, your strength and you're going to get through this.

[nyc_guy2003]

but there is clear evidence he whacks it to internet porn all the time (black light anyone? SO. GROSS.).

 

You actually got a black light to check it out?? That's some crazy stuff.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good to hear. Keep on looking after yourself and your child. You're going to rebuild yourself, your strength and you're going to get through this.

 

So funny, I have been asking for "3 positives" everyday from some folk.

[FarmGirl]

You actually got a black light to check it out?? That's some crazy stuff.

 

 

YUCK no way. My older sons did it as a joke & we were all a bit shocked at what his desk looked like...*shivers*

[FarmGirl]

I listed some stuff on etsy and promptly had a sale.

Hello ego boost

[dreamingoftigers]

That first thing is pretty gross.

[Scottdmw]

So, I posted this on another thread but it's extremely applicable to your situation:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem

 

 

Basically, your experience may not be that uncommon. Your husband has an addiction. Unfortunately, you have limited power to make him change. He has to want to change for himself. You might try showing him the article here, or maybe you could find some others on porn addiction. There are men out there who have changed and others who want to change. They would probably be the best resource. But, again, all you can do is point him towards those things.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

[FarmGirl]

So, I posted this on another thread but it's extremely applicable to your situation:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem

 

 

Basically, your experience may not be that uncommon. Your husband has an addiction. Unfortunately, you have limited power to make him change. He has to want to change for himself. You might try showing him the article here, or maybe you could find some others on porn addiction. There are men out there who have changed and others who want to change. They would probably be the best resource. But, again, all you can do is point him towards those things.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

 

 

Thanks for the article. I told my 20yo son about it too (just in case hehe).

 

My SO would have to be honest enough to "admit" he uses porn. Even when he is CAUGHT he denies it. He's a crazymaker IMO.

 

I've found so many women's dirty underwear that aren't mine I have lost count. He makes me ill. I'm done trying.

[Llakdknek]

In general, I think that women overreact to porn, especially in those circumstances where they've cut the man off from sex and it's helping him actually keep his sanity.

 

But, I think yours is a much more obvious case where it has consumed his life. The key there is him being able to admit it. If losing you isn't enough to make him admit it and seek help, then I think your only logical choice is to get out of the relationship. It's very sad for it to end that way, but you can't control what other people do and ultimately can't make them help themselves. He has other severe issues, the porn is just the major way they manifest.