My husband left me and our baby daughter

[Miakal]

My husband of (2) years walked out on me and our (3) month old daughter. I also have (2) children from my previous marriage that love him dearly.

 

Things have been tough lately.

 

A brief history of some recent events....He is dealing with the death of his best friend...it's only been a year. We have a brand new baby, money is tight and he just got laid off of work. He found a new job and seems okay with it however, he has been harboring ill feelings towards his last boss for laying him off. He has lost interest, over the past year, in contributing emotionally to our relationship and helping out within our home.

 

I have been rough on him too about his lack of interest in things, etc. . I just wanted things to change for us.

 

Regarding our marriage....it has been like a rollercoaster lately. Of course in the beginning it was wonderful. Typical eh? But as soon as I started showing in my pregnancy, he became distant from me. He no longer wanted to have a physical relationship with me nor did he show me affection in other ways. I asked him why. He had no answers. Well, actually...he had many answers. It was always excuses such as not feeling well or something like that. So, I became curious and suspicious. I think I became this way because he went from being hot and heavy with me all of the time to completely indifferent regarding having a physical relationship. I noticed that he began looking at porn sites more regularly on the computer. I know that he continued masterbating daily so obviously his labido was still in tact.

 

So as I said, I became suspicious. He swears up and down that he would never be with another woman. He is a bit of a flirt but he says he would never cheat on me. But he has continued to display a complete lack of physical interest or affection towards me. He says that he finds me attractive. He says that he loves me and only me. But he doesn't act that way. He even forgot my birthday! Never even said one word to me...not even a "Happy Birthday." Last year I got a wonderful card and a new Swiss Army watch. This year...he completely forgets...??

 

So, okay. I asked him not too long ago if he is happy. He has said that he doesn't know. He also said that he doesn't know if this is what he wants anymore....but that he still loves me. I let him know that I know what I want...that our life together is not "iffy" to me. That I am committed to him as I have always been.

 

So, things have been up and down. We finally decided that we need counseling. I asked him to go with me and he agreed. However, it never got that far. Last Saturday morning, he left while I was in the shower. He told my (9) year old son that he was going to the store and he has not returned. It is now (4) days later. I have been told by his family that he is on his way back to the East Coast, where his folks live. Once I discovered that he really left the state, I checked the bank account. He had taken quite a bit of money. I went directly to the bank and closed our account. I have since found out that he has been talking to his mother about the intimate details of our relationship. She has incouraged him to "come home" to her if things "don't work" out with me. I have been in brief contact with her a few times since he left. She has shown no concern for me or her grandaughter. btw...she did mention something about me taking him from his family...keeping him from his family...and suffocating him. I held my tongue.

 

My husband has not called me. Not even to check on our baby daughter. He took his mountain bike, his dog and his dead friend's ashes. People keep saying that he is coming back. However, I have not even had the chance to talk with him. He has not made arrangements for anything regarding helping out financially. I do work out of the home....I am just at the end of my maternity leave. However, I feel that he needs to help RIGHT NOW! He has left me with so little funds that I can't even pay the mortgage that is due.

 

I am hurt beyond words. I am angry. I am shocked and confused. I have had a few days to cry it out...scream it out...and now I am reflecting. Really reflecting.

 

I love this man. God only knows why right now. But I love him very much. I am guilty of nagging him about things and acting insecure at times. I know that. But I am also guilty of treating him lovingly and showing him affection even when those things were not being shown to me. I believe that most things can be worked out. I don't think I could get past an infidelity and I would never be able to get past physical abuse. Other than that, I think most things are workable. I am trying to keep myself positive and open for when and if he does call to talk about this.

 

But I can't imagine walking out on my children like that! I am trying to be forgiving. I am telling myself that this man is in desperate need of some space to think about things. The he just felt that there was no other option...even though there was. But at the same time I wonder if I am just being completely blind. Am I not seeing something? I know he loves me. I have no doubts about that. But his leaving with out saying goodbye...without making any sort of arrangements to take care of his family...and he has not called to see if things are okay...

 

Please help me out here.

 

__________________[color=indigo][/color]

[quankanne]

hoo-boy ... this sounds like a whole mess of problems to have to deal with. My initial thought upon reading your post is that your husband is depressed about losing his best friend and about becoming a father in such a short period of time, and going home to his family is his way of responding to these events. contact your local legal counsel office or even battered women's shelter to see what recourse you have -- maybe there is some way that you can have his wages garnished to ensure support of your child.

 

in the meantime, continue to see your counselor. This person can help you explore your feelings (and possibly your options) even if your husband refuses to visit him/her. Also, if you have a circle of family or friends you can call on for emotional support, don't hesitate to do so. There's only so much they can do, but I think at this point, having someone willingly offer to help shoulder your burden can be a big relief.

 

you'll be in my thoughts and prayers, Miakal, just keep us posted

[FreeMe]

Sounds like he's still tied to mama's apron strings. You TOOK HIM AWAY from his family???? A man grows up and makes his own family, as do women. People don't stay with their mommys forever. She told him to "come home if it doesn't work out"??? That's how a grown man deals with responsibility??? He and mommy have major issues.

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It's horrible and irresponsible. The death of someone you love does not give you an excuse to crap on someone else and abandon your responsibilities. Yes, he was going through a lot with losing his job on top of it, but there are other alternatives than running back home to mommy. How old is this guy?

[Debster]

Losing a job can be a terrible blow to the ego. I do know that when people are grieving sometimes they do things that are out of character. It could be true in this case. If you love him and do want to give him a chance, I would try to keep that in mind.

 

However, he has left you high and dry and has treated you poorly. You have a right to be upset.

 

I say wait and see. Give him his space. Try to fill your time with your children and things that bring joy to your life. If and when he comes back see how you feel then and see how he explains his actions.

[Miakal]

He'll be 34 this month. I do think there is a VERY unhealthy relationship between he and his mother. She has never cut the cord and I think she would make it looking as if she were dying if he tried to. But, he's gonna have to if he wants this marriage to work. Or any relationship with future partners to work if that's what happens. I'll let a counselor tell him that.

 

Anyway...I don't even know if he wants this marriage to work. He has yet to contact me.

 

btw...

 

Not one person in his family has called me during this time to find out if I'm okay, if the baby is okay or if we need anything. I was told by his momma that "he is okay, he is safe and that's all that matters."

 

I think I'm going to yak!

 

He has had many stressful events packed in a short period of time...yes. I have taken that into consideration. (trust me, part of me wants to say....BFD!) However...I'm trying to be forgiving.

 

Beyond all that, I have decided to give him space...and see what happens. I will use this time as well to do some soul searching.

 

Thanks for the words.

[virginia70065]

((Miakal))

I feel so bad for you! It seems like all of the stresses of what has been going on got to your husband. Some of us are very strong, and deal with it. Apparently, he is not strong because his mom is being his safety net, so he went running home to stick his head in the sand. I don't think it's about love, really, it's about not being mature and responsible enough to handle stress.

 

Leaving you like he did is the most immature, irresponsbile thing that he could do.

I am serious when I say this: Just know that there's someone here in New Orleans that will be praying for you, your kids, and him to make the right decision.

Please take care and let us know how you are!

 

{{{hugs}}}

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Miakal

Not one person in his family has called me during this time to find out if I'm okay, if the baby is okay or if we need anything. I was told by his momma that "he is okay, he is safe and that's all that matters."

 

That's terrible. You must be a very strong person, which is probably one of the reasons his mother resents you. Their relationship does sound extremely unhealthy and I guess the rest of the family isn't much better.

 

And I didn't mention how utterly cowardly it was for him to leave while you were taking a shower and has still not had the guts to contact you. I'm sure you will want to try to save your marriage if he does wise up, but I think I would have a really hard time having any kind of respect for him after this. Yes, he's had a very rough time lately, but what he's done to you is despicable and pathetic.

 

I hope you have some supportive family and friends to help you through this.

[Miakal]

He called yesterday morning. He didn't want to talk but I got him to talk a little. He said that he wasn't sure if he was coming home. After we talked for a bit, he started making statements that made me think that he was planning on coming home sometime soon. So, maybe he is just trying to make me suffer. I will be honest here, I am suffering. However, I'm trying not to let him know just how much.

 

So, anyway...in reviewing our phone records...I have since found out that he consulted an attorney at least a week before he left. AAARRRGGG!!! I feel even more betrayed. Not to sound pitiful but, I always thought that this man was my best friend. I am now left wondering. Wondering about everything.

 

Wondering if he is putting a divorce in motion.

 

When he called me yesterday he stated that he would call me later to talk. I haven't heard from him.

 

I am a compassionate person. I want to continue to have compassion for him. But I also want to be smart about this. CRAP! I am so confused by all of this. I seriously thought he was my best friend.

 

Feeling like I had better pull my head out of my b*tt...

I consulted with an attorney yesterday and was told that a judge would *most likely* give custody of a (3) month old child to the mother. I believe that I would get full custody of our daughter considering all the factors involved. However, I am wondering if I should proceed with a temporary custody order, just in case. I want to protect myself and my daughter. Just by contacting an attorney, he has already made steps to seek legal counsel. Right???

(I'm still trying to pull the knife outta my back!)

 

Here is what I am thinking. I don't want to do anymore damage to the relationship between he and I if he is considering coming back home to work things out. I believe such an order would do just that. But he is obviously not communicating with me about his true feelings here. Touchy situation.

 

I am also wondering if I am entering "Doormat" status. Waddya think?

 

Any advice?

[Miakal]

I have asked him to please answer some simple questions...

 

- does he consider us to be separated

 

- if so, does he wish for an informal or formal legal separation

 

- if separated, are we seeing other people

 

- how much time does he wish to have apart

 

...etc.

 

I want him to have this time away...I want this time for myself too. I think we are both benefiting from it. But I do feel that it is necessary to have at least a short-term plan that we both can agree on.

 

Am I being too pushy?

 

Jeez...I feel like a moron.

[mywife'smanalways]

Dear Miakal,

 

My heart truly goes out to you. My 2 young children (this was 12 years ago) and I were deserted by my ex-wife- twice! I can fully relate to the heartache you are feeling, and also to the financial hardship that this has brought you. My situation was very similar to yours.

 

The first time she left, she had been philandering around with different people, lying, and worst of all, she would take off at night (after I had gone to work late afternoons) and leave the kids at home to fend for themselves. Mind you, my son and daughter were 5 and 7 at the time. I did not immediately wise up to this because she always made sure that she was home in bed before I got home (around 2 am). She eventually asked for a divorce. I begged her not to do this and offered to do anything to get her to stay. She expressed no desire to keep the kids at all, and when I said that I wanted them, she agreed without argument. It was not until she heard that I was seeing someone (which was not the case-I had enough on my hands at the time) that she decided to show up with a big emotional display and ask me to take her back. This I did, without reservation. Reason: I did not get married to get a divorce. I honestly loved her and wanted our children to have a father and mother at home. We married again on New Years' Eve of that year, and within 3 months was right back at it. This time, when she said she wanted a divorce, I said fine, demanded custody of the kids, and filed first. Please bear in mind, that I had never had an affair, never beaten or abused her or the children, never frozen her out emotionally, never sacrificed time with her to "hang out with the boys", or anything else overt that I can think of. Was I perfect? Hardly. But to this day she has never given me satisfactory explanation for her behavior. All her mom and dad could say either of those time was "we just don't know why she's doing this" She had no support from her family whatsoever.

I guess the point of this whole diatribe is this; you have every right to ask the questions you stated in your posting, and to expect answers as well. If you have soul-searched and honestly not found anything significantly grievous in your treatment of your husband to "justify" his abandonment of you and your daughter, then please realize that there ARE separation/divorce situations where the fault lies solely with one individual. In short, you don't have to beat yourself up.

Now, for a little brightness. I have now been married to a lovely woman for almost 10 years (this November 25th). I did not think at one time that I would ever be happy again, but God has smiled on me and blessed me with her and her two wonderful boys. Now we have together two 19 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and a 13 year old. This road has not been without its pitfalls, but it has been the greatest time of my life. Miakal, please rest assured that no matter what decision you make in regards to the future of your marriage, that you can and will be happy again. Bear in mind that no matter which choice you make, there will need to be counseling involved.

 

Please keep us posted on your situation. We are all rooting for you! I will keep you in my prayers.

[amerikajin]

>>>I am hurt beyond words. I am angry. I am shocked and confused. I have had a few days to cry it out...scream it out...and now I am reflecting. Really reflecting.<<<

 

You're husband is a loser.

 

File for divorce yourself, keep the kids and make sure you are always able to track him down. That way, if he can't just stiff you on your child support.

[jazzin7]

I don't like to preach, however my husband and I were having alot of problems in the last two years and the discussion would always come up- Divorce, so I began searching on the internet on how to stop a divorce and what to say to stop a divorce, which by the way does not work. I had been sending out prayer requests, when one day a man sent me an e-mail telling me of his restored marriage- his wife left him and took the kids, and he came upon a web site called: restorem. org , purchased the materials (books, tapes and video's) and he started applying the principle's in the book. His wife came back with the kids!!! So I looked into it, and I purchased some of their books.

 

This web site was started by a woman (Erin Thiele) who was desperate to save her marriage, as her husband was in adultery and left her and her children. She went to her family, friends, and even pastor at her church, all who said for her to just get a divorce. However, she did not feel that this is what God wanted her to do. So she went home and poured over her Bible, looking for answers there regarding her marriage. God states that he

"hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16). She was standing on Faith for the Lord to restore her marriage, even though her husband got the divorce, they eventually remarried and now both Erin and her husband show other men and women how to restore their marriages as well, all based on God's Word. They have an incredible story to tell.

 

I would suggest you go to their website, and look at some testimonies and I would suggest readings such as "God CAN and WILL Restore your Marriage" and the workbook for Women. It explains why our marriages our falling apart. I saw myself in these books. I was a contentious (quarelling), nagging, wife, that would bring strife into our home. Erin explains that we have to WIN our husband's back without a word. Meaning, pray to God to restore your marriage, and DO NOT call your husband or go after him, because this will just push him further away from you. Pray and Wait for your husband to call you. We women have to shut our mouths up, be quiet and kind. If you are financially strapped, pray about it to the Lord. He will provide for you and your children. If your husband does call, be Kind to him. VERY VERY IMPORTANT! Your husband will see this, and his heart will be turned back to you! The Bible states "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes" (Proverbs 21:1)

 

Another important thing, is to NOT get an attorney, DROP your attorney, DO NOT file for divorce. If your husband is still keen on getting an attorney or filing for divorce, don't fight it. Pray about it, for the Lord to stop this divorce. Even if your divorce goes thru, it does not matter. God restores marriages even after a divorce has taken place.

 

Please go to the website if you are serious about saving your marriage: restorem.org Another thing, do not tell your husband about standing for your marriage. Get another woman or woman friend to stand with you and pray with you, you can get this on their website. They will encourage you! I too will pray for you, as I feel for your situation. Again go to website: restorem.org

[supermom]

I also believe... why should a women plan her life around a man? If he is treating her with disrespect, why " bend over and take it" attitute should be for the women.

 

I have a little experience with this and I felt that when I walked away from my first marriage (no kids) I realized when I married again ( and still with a beautiful 1 1/2 yr old) that I was right to stand up for myself and not let a dispicible man like that contoll me, from going to the bathroom to what friends I was hanging out with (w/no prob).

 

My husband is awesome now (current 2nd) and we have complete trust in each other.

 

I wish I would of stuck up for myself a longer time ago, but live teaches you lessons.

 

good luck

[Miakal]

Well, he called the other day and said that he was on his way back home.

 

We have a counseling appt. lined up.

 

We'll see what happens.

 

Thank you all for your advice and support. Much appreciated.

[karenmartie]

To Miakal,

My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing your problems, as they are very similar to my own. I wish you well, and hope you can work things out.

 

To jazzin7,

Thank you so much for sharing the restorem.org website. It has had such a profound effect on me. I was at the lowest point in my life last Saturday 15th May. Your post earlier that day about Erin and Dan, and how we should be quiet and kind, really struck a chord in me. I went to the Crisis Corner on the restorem.org website and found real peace for the first time in years. I am now following the guidance from Erin and Dan, and I have a real hope for the future. Thank you again.

[mywife'smanalways]

Originally posted by jazzin7

I don't like to preach, however my husband and I were having alot of problems in the last two years and the discussion would always come up- Divorce, so I began searching on the internet on how to stop a divorce and what to say to stop a divorce, which by the way does not work. I had been sending out prayer requests, when one day a man sent me an e-mail telling me of his restored marriage- his wife left him and took the kids, and he came upon a web site called: restorem. org , purchased the materials (books, tapes and video's) and he started applying the principle's in the book. His wife came back with the kids!!! So I looked into it, and I purchased some of their books.

 

This web site was started by a woman (Erin Thiele) who was desperate to save her marriage, as her husband was in adultery and left her and her children. She went to her family, friends, and even pastor at her church, all who said for her to just get a divorce. However, she did not feel that this is what God wanted her to do. So she went home and poured over her Bible, looking for answers there regarding her marriage. God states that he

"hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16). She was standing on Faith for the Lord to restore her marriage, even though her husband got the divorce, they eventually remarried and now both Erin and her husband show other men and women how to restore their marriages as well, all based on God's Word. They have an incredible story to tell.

 

I would suggest you go to their website, and look at some testimonies and I would suggest readings such as "God CAN and WILL Restore your Marriage" and the workbook for Women. It explains why our marriages our falling apart. I saw myself in these books. I was a contentious (quarelling), nagging, wife, that would bring strife into our home. Erin explains that we have to WIN our husband's back without a word. Meaning, pray to God to restore your marriage, and DO NOT call your husband or go after him, because this will just push him further away from you. Pray and Wait for your husband to call you. We women have to shut our mouths up, be quiet and kind. If you are financially strapped, pray about it to the Lord. He will provide for you and your children. If your husband does call, be Kind to him. VERY VERY IMPORTANT! Your husband will see this, and his heart will be turned back to you! The Bible states "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes" (Proverbs 21:1)

 

Another important thing, is to NOT get an attorney, DROP your attorney, DO NOT file for divorce. If your husband is still keen on getting an attorney or filing for divorce, don't fight it. Pray about it, for the Lord to stop this divorce. Even if your divorce goes thru, it does not matter. God restores marriages even after a divorce has taken place.

 

Kudos to you, jazzin7!! I am glad to hear from someone who so clearly understands and articulates God's plan for marriage and isn't afraid to let people know...Thanks!!!