His phobia, my unhappines, and our final end? (lengthy)

[DerangedAngel]

I need to rant, guys.

 

It just hit me today (although I guess the problems between us are "old", whether I knew this or not) that the only man I have ever truly loved, doesn't really love me anymore, and might have never, the way I thought that he did. One minute I was making great plans with him, and the next... it's practically over. For me, at least. He still wants me in his life, but only in moderation I suppose. He wants his own time to do whatever he wants/needs... he doesn't even want me calling. He only calls me when he wants to talk and to say goodnight or whatever. So, he thinks things are ok - but they aren't for me! Any time I try to talk with him, he says I'm being "over emotional". He wants me to try and relax and give him time (he says, a month or so) to decide if we should continue to date. Should I put up with this? I mean, is it fair for me to be there for him, but not vice versa?

 

Also, I'm having a few health problems lately, and he doesn't even seem supportive of that!

 

It seems, every night an hour or so after I fall asleep, he calls me (the only time he calls during my days) to talk a bit and say goodnight. Then, I'm up for the rest of the night worrying about "us". If there even is an "us".

 

It hurts that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore. He is like dripping with apathy. He will even admit to this. His excuse is that he has a lot going on in his life (I find this untrue) and that he needs to decide what he is going to do. And his life's stress is causing him to not be able to feel for me the same way, or something. Like he is emotionally tired?

 

Whenever I cry or mention that it doesn't seem like I am important to him anymore he yells, tells me to shut up, occasionally swears. His logic behind this is that I should just be happy with him, and when I'm not, it gets old and he has every right to express his anger, since I express my hurt. So, like, am I never allowed to display any unhappiness if I don't want him to yell at me? That doesn't make any sense to me, guys... your insight is welcome. I would like to have a boyfriend that cares when I am hurt. He used to, I believe. But now, he is so annoyed with me all of the time. How can I voice to him that crying about your hurt is not the same as yelling and swearing when you are angry about someone crying? The more he yells, the more I cry anyway. He also says, my only choices when he is angry are: I can let him yell at me, or I can give him space, get off the phone. Just not talk to him. Is this bad, weird? Why can he not express his anger some other way? Like talking it through somehow? That is how I usually choose to deal with my anger, anyway.

 

We have had a long distance relationship for over a year and a half, and every time we thought about moving in together, and made plans to actually do it, he freaked out! He always finds something wrong with me, or us, to use as an excuse to decide to wait.

 

I told him the last time it happened that he had three months to decide, and I would have to leave, because it is very painful to want him in my life, have the possibility dangling in my face, but knowing that he doesn't want me with him. When I told him this, he acted like it was fair, and he understood my reasoning... but also it seemed like he was ok with losing me! Like he would rather have me out of his life completely than change a little, compromise, and live with me like we had planned. That hurt so much.

 

He is all that I've ever really known of love, you know? I've been mistreated by several people in my life, and he was so different. Until recently. I just don't understand why he is either always so hot, or so cold. And every time I mention something in his behavior, he blames me for complaining. Which, please, if you think that is true, please tell me!

 

I just needed to get this out. Do we have a chance? Is he just afraid of commitment? What is the deal?

 

Added: also, when I suggested we talk about our issues via email, since my sadness pissed him off, and his anger made me sad (in a continuing circle of crying. yelling. crying. yelling. until he hangs up on me) he basically said that he didn't have TIME or the ENERGY to correspond with me through email. Me. His girlfriend. He didn't have time to work it out?

 

-Deranged

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

 

He still wants me in his life, but only in moderation I suppose. He wants his own time to do whatever he wants/needs... he doesn't even want me calling. He only calls me when he wants to talk and to say goodnight or whatever. So, he thinks things are ok - but they aren't for me! Any time I try to talk with him, he says I'm being "over emotional". He wants me to try and relax and give him time (he says, a month or so) to decide if we should continue to date. Should I put up with this? I mean, is it fair for me to be there for him, but not vice versa?

 

 

No, it's not fair and it's not right. It sounds like he wants to call the shots and have his own needs satisfied while ignoring yours.

 

If it upsets you to talk to him then tell him to stop calling you until he figures out what he wants.

 

Everything you're saying actually sounds a lot like the way my boyfriend has been lately. Breaking up is "up to me". He basically says "this is the way I am. I'm not going to change. If you have a problem with it, tell me now."

 

You said "am I never allowed to display any unhappiness if I don't want him to yell at me?" That's how I feel too. If I get upset it seems like I'm the bad guy. If I do actually do something wrong - like get jealous or something - it never gets forgotten.

 

You also said "He also says, my only choices when he is angry are: I can let him yell at me, or I can give him space, get off the phone. Just not talk to him. Is this bad, weird?"

 

It's bad. Is he saying he has NO control over his yelling? that's ridiculous. Mine give me choices like that - what feels like an impossible choice "this is me. take it or leave it." so I either have to accept something that hurts me, or leave it, which will hurt both of us and I'll be blamed for being the one to end it.

 

"And every time I mention something in his behavior, he blames me for complaining." Hmm. that's familiar. Every time I mention something in his behavior that bothers me, it's either not happening - according to him, or he won't change, or it IS happening but that's the way things are SUPPOSED to be.

 

DA - I think we're being manipulated. I think he's being completely selfish and you deserve better.

[quankanne]

ugh! sounds like he's going through a selfish stage in the relationship ... the one where you get to a point when you start thinking, 'okay, so I've been a decent SO, I should get more respect/kindness/caring/whatever in return because I've been so good to my SO.' The bad part is, the person going through that stage doesn't see it as something bad, just their "right" to feel this way.

 

don't know what to say, D-Angel, because when it comes to this point, only you can decide if the BS is worth putting up with. Every relationship has its good and its not-so-good, but only the principals involved are the ones who make the call.

 

I guess just ask yourself this (courtesy of Dear Abby ... or Ann Landers, I get them mixed up): Am I better off with this person one month down the road? One year down the road? Five years down the road? Can this person really and truly (and you'll have to take a step back from your relationship to truly assess him) put the best interests of another -- be it a significant other or a relationship in general -- above his/her own needs? Is this person capable of recognizing the gifts of a relationship overall?

 

it's hard to think of letting someone go when you've got so much of yourself invested in him emotionally, but sometimes you've got to step back and re-assess what you have and what you want, then see if the two mesh.

[DerangedAngel]

To FreeMe:

 

Everything you're saying actually sounds a lot like the way my boyfriend has been lately. Breaking up is "up to me". He basically says "this is the way I am. I'm not going to change. If you have a problem with it, tell me now."

 

Oh! Are you dating my boyfriend, too? I totally get the "up to me" thing all the time. It is like I am the only one in the relationship; I work to keep it, and I get to be the one to end it. Making me look like the bad guy. When you are the only one making those kind of choices, you realize it is because the other person doesn't really care. It is so hurtful, like he is saying I can break up with him if I want, and he won't spend a second thinking about it. Just go on with his life like I was never in it.

 

Is he saying he has NO control over his yelling?

 

Yes. The only way he says can stop it is to not talk to me at all for the rest of the day. He swears (he says it is not swearing, he says F*ck, a lot. As in "F*cking ____", "F*ck ______", etc. According to him, f*ck is not a "swear word", just a word that some are uncomfortable with. I don't care about the word, as long as someone isn't screaming it at me!) in his yellings often, and when we are together it kind of scares me. Then, he gets mad at me for that. Saying I should know that he will never hurt me, but I associate yelling, swearing, blah blah with bad tempers - and that I associate with physical abuse. I don't think he would ever hit me, but sometimes I am scared, as if it is right on the edge. Still, I think this should cause him to evaluate HIS actions, not mine. No?

 

Every time I mention something in his behavior that bothers me, it's either not happening - according to him, or he won't change, or it IS happening but that's the way things are SUPPOSED to be.

 

Yes! I can relate to this as well. Unfortunately.

 

To Quank:

 

it's hard to think of letting someone go when you've got so much of yourself invested in him emotionally, but sometimes you've got to step back and re-assess what you have and what you want, then see if the two mesh.

 

I know that if he doesn't make up his mind about whether or not we should take our relationship one step further, I am going to have to distance myself from him completely. It hurts too much. And he has three months to do this, which I felt was WAY fair. He has already broken a few promises concerning living together.

 

I do love him, and I still want him in my life. I just wish he would snap out of it and realize I mean something to him.

 

My only thought now is really - is it him or me that is the problem? Which I don't think anyone can answer not knowing the two of us personally, so perhaps new questions:

 

Is it possible that he loves me, and still acting the way that he is? Or are his actions evidence that he does not love me?

Can fear of commitment cause someone to act like this?

 

Thanks you guys.

 

-Deranged

[aurora19]

I am going to give you advice based on my recent experience. Every situation is different, but I think I can give you some perspective.

 

Get rid of him! You both our dragging this relationship to it's painful death!

 

I recently had to endure the experience of having my on and off again boyfriend of 4 years finally get fed up with my selfishness (which your boyfriend is expressing) and leave me for another girl. I am riddled with guilt and regret for treating him badly, your boyfriend should be feeling these things too, b/c he does not appreciate you. He is in my opinion playing you for a fool.

 

I used the same damn excuses, "being emotionally tired," "there were too many things going on in my life" etc. When he would express his pain and neglect I would yell at him too and tell him that if he couldn't respect my decisions and give me time then he can leave for all I care and of course he never did till it got to be too much (three years he put up with my ****)! I even did the phone calls every night and morning to say I love you, to keep me in his thoughts and make it impossible to move on! They were just excuses, you KNOW when you really want to be with someone and if you don't! Too often we know what to do, but lack the courage to do it! I knew in my gut we should not be together and that I no longer loved him, but I became so dependent on him and in my search for another man I kept coming up disappointed so I figured I'd keep him hanging on just in case! I used him b/c I was afraid to be alone and I was afraid I couldn't find anyone better, that's not the way to treat someone. You should either **** or get off the pot!

 

Now he has moved on and left me in the dust choking! I regret treating him that way and I miss him more than ever. I refuse to ask for another chance though, you know why, b/c I still know I do not love him, I'm only bitter and alone. He put me up on a pedal stool and I broke it down by belittling his importance and making him wait around for me while I was living my selfish little life. I made a mistake by treating him badly, the best I can do to make up for it, is to leave him alone and let him be happy.

 

You deserve to be happy and have someone who will appreciate you and not play games. Cut him off, it will be extremely difficult, but he will either realize how much he loves you and beg for you back (hopefully with more respect, but honey at this point he would only come back b/c you would bruise his ego, he would probably end up playing the same games) or move on from you and leave you the hell alone.

 

Trust me it will only continue and get worse until one of you breaks! It's a terrible cycle that only ends badly! Break it now b/f he hurts you anymore. I know it will be hard, but in the end it will be worth it!

 

A man that truly loves you will only give you tears of joy, never of pain!

[meanon]

he doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore. He is like dripping with apathy. He will even admit to this. His excuse is that he has a lot going on in his life (I find this untrue) and that he needs to decide what he is going to do. And his life's stress is causing him to not be able to feel for me the same way

He admits he doesn't care but wants you to stick around until he decides what he wants.

 

Whenever I cry or mention that it doesn't seem like I am important to him anymore he yells, tells me to shut up, occasionally swears. His logic behind this is that I should just be happy with him

He doesn't care what you want, he wants you to simply accept what he wants.

 

he has every right to express his anger, since I express my hurt

If you insist on telling him what you want he will punish you.

 

Deranged, this guy makes you feel really bad about yourself. Life gets complicated, I know, especially when you love someone a lot. But if someone makes you feel this bad then, love or no love, you need to get out. It's self-preservation, pure and simple.

 

In the context of a loving relationship, there are things that can be done to prevent the blaming, crying, yelling episodes. Telling someone positively what you want them to do and why is a start, rather than telling them what they have done wrong.

 

If it was just poor communication and blame you may both be able to find other ways of expressing yourself. I just think you are well beyond that. He doesn't want to hear you, he's not interested in whether you are happy or not. It's unlikely to be lack of commitment. Either he doesn't love you or he does and is is seriously messed up. It doesn't really matter what the reasons are for his behaviour. The end result is the same. He doesn't care for you, he is not loving.

 

He may be your only experience of love but he'll be far from the last. I'm assuming a little here, Deranged but I think it's both of you that are changing. As you expect more of life and love he knows he can't deliver and reacts badly. When you had little to no expectation he was entirely in control, he's annoyed he no longer is.

 

You deserve so much more than this, Deranged. I think you've started to realise this and that's why you are no longer satisfied with this loser who does not wish the best for you in life, not even your health and happiness.

[midori]

Originally posted by meanon

 

Deranged, this guy makes you feel really bad about yourself. Life gets complicated, I know, especially when you love someone a lot. But if someone makes you feel this bad then, love or no love, you need to get out. It's self-preservation, pure and simple.

 

That is the truth. Deranged, I've been where you are. It's not something that will improve with time. The longer you stay involved with him, the more difficult it will be to extricate yourself from him. I didn't listen to my gut when I tried to end a deeply flawed long-distance relationship with an avoidant guy. And that cost me, stole a couple of years of my life and made many things much more difficult for me. I can only look back on it with amazement that I somehow failed to see what everyone around me had long been aware of: the guy was using me for his convenience, and didn't give a damn about what I needed or what was good for me.

 

If you're not happy, if you're chronically losing sleep over this guy, you need to a) break it off once and for all, and b) turn the ringer off your phone before you go to bed.

 

He'll keep on throwing out lures as long as it seems you're willing to bite. With just a bit of discouragement I bet you'll find this guy disappears -- until he decides he needs something from you again.

 

Shut the door and lock it behind you.

[FolderWife]

oH! Deranged It sounds like you are dating my husband (when he's looking at porn all the time) I get the "It's up to you, leave if you want!" Every stinkin time I have a problem. If I try to talk things out, he says, "If you have a problem, then leave! There's the door!" As soon as I grab my keys to leave, though, he takes them, and says, "You can leave, but you aren't taking a vehicle". Both are in his name...he loooooves to dangle it over my head that he OWNS everything. When we first got married, he'd always insist that everything was ours. When we got married, we sold MY car, and kept his two. So that meant I got stuck with the lesser of his two vehicles. It made sense, because his were better than mine, and he still owed for them.

 

Also, we moved to his hometown, in the trailor he was renting. BLA BLA BLA.. anyway, I can leave, but I can't take anything with me..it's all HIS. When we're getting along, it's ours, but when he is a jerk, and I'm leaving, suddenly it's all HIS again. I'm fully prepared to leave with little to nothing if I divorce him.

 

Your guy is on a control trip. He looooves to be in control. He looooooves to be selfish. He looooooves the way you put up with anything to be with him. If you left, it'd scare him to death.

 

Or, it could be like midori said (which I hope it's not, because that would mean my husband is looking for better....which is how he acts when he looks at porn) and he's looking to leave you any way.

 

My dad treated his girlfriend badly when he was trying to get her to dump him. I don't know why people don't just break up when they want out. They want the other person to do it.

 

Every boyfriend that treated me the way yours is, treated me like that for a month before they dumped me

[FolderWife]

P.S. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking he'll get better. As in ALL relationships, men only get WORSE. He may straighten up for a month or two, but then he'll be treating you badly again. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

[midori]

Originally posted by Monday

Or, it could be like midori said (which I hope it's not, because that would mean my husband is looking for better....which is how he acts when he looks at porn) and he's looking to leave you any way.

 

It doesn't have to mean that Deranged's boyfriend, or your husband, is looking for someone better. That actually wasn't the case with that ex of mine. He was working overseas in a very demanding job, and he needed to feel like he had someone in his life. I suppose he may well have been cheating on me occasionally with one night stands, although I never suspected it at the time. He was using me because his life would have been unbearably lonely without me -- he was an egomaniac who needed to feel loved at all times. As long as it looked to him like I was the best bet for that, he wanted to keep me in his life. On his terms, of course, which when I look back on it, left me rather unfulfilled. But it was only when I ceased to be convenient for him that he broke up with me.

[Velveteel]

He may be getting so angry when you cry because it points out his role in how bad you are feeling. Guilt hurts. In fact, guilt may be keeping him in this relationship. He probably loves you, but not enough to actually move in together and build a life. So yes, maybe he's trying to get you to make the break, so that he won't be at fault.

 

In the meantime, he's behaving terribly, and probably contributing to crummy self-esteem on your part, which doesn't help you make difficult decisions.

 

I know it will hurt to think of things in this light, but if you let him go, you can both be free to find something stronger and better.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

It is like I am the only one in the relationship; I work to keep it, and I get to be the one to end it. Making me look like the bad guy.

 

You're exactly right. You work to keep it and you get to be the one to end it and he's unphased by any of it. And because you're the one who's working to try to save it, it looks like you're the one causing all the negativity. You should just be a good, happy little girl and stop picking on that wonderful man, right? I just want to say again that you're not wrong - this is not you. No one is perfect in a relationship, but everyone who's posted here has experienced men like this and even if you are perfect you're not going to get the love from them that you need. Like you said, he's dripping with apathy. It seems like the only way to get these clowns to realize you mean something to them is to dump them. But when they come back, can you really trust that they won't fall into the same pattern of behavior again?

 

It does sound like I'm dating your boyfriend - and the rest of the ladies' exes lol. The only thing my boyfriend does not do is yell. He shuts down instead and doesn't pay attention and then keeps asking me "what do you mean by that" or "what are you talking about" (when I'm trying to explain a problem as I see it) then I have to repeat things 6 times and it still gets nowhere.

 

I came so close to breaking up with him last week. I think the only reason I didn't is because I was scared and I couldn't quite take that step. He lives with me and it makes it much more difficult for me. And then he started acting much much better. I'm not sure if it was because there was something major he had gotten off his chest or what, but he has been closer to his old self than I have seen in awhile. However, I'm not expecting it to last and next time he says "take it or leave it", I'm leaving it. I already told him that when he gives a choice like that he better understand that there's a 50% chance of the person choosing to leave it.

 

Monday - what your husband is doing to you as far as telling you you can leave but then saying you can't take anything with you and keeping the car keys sounds like a form of abuse to me.

[FolderWife]

Yep, he's abusive. Very controlling....when I tell him he tries to control me, he says, "How?" and I can't come up with anything on the spot like that.

 

I used to be so good at getting a point across, but he never listens, so what's the point? If he does something that hurts me (like swearing at me) and I tell him it hurts me, he promises not to do it again...but in the next argument, he makes a POINT of doing it, because he knows it hurts me.

 

He doesn't argue to solve anything, he does it just to throw knives! Now, if he does something that hurts me, I try not to tell him, so he won't do it again.

 

That's messed up.

 

The other night, he pulled the, "LEAVE, BUT YOU AREN'T TAKING A VEHICLE". So I stood there at told him everything I thought of him, and how he hurt me, and how he made me feel. He sat there with these puppy dog eyes, and listened. I HATE THAT! It's like he's a Bull Dog, but as soon as I start spilling how I feel about him, it breaks his heart!

 

He was holding my keys and my purse, while I was talking, so he handed them to me, and told me I could go if I wanted. I said, "I don't WANT to leave, I WANT to talk!" He said, "Well ok!" ~I thought he meant ok to leave~

 

So I spent the night at a hotel. He called the next day, ready to talk, but I didn't. I wasn't ready to talk until the day after, and by then, he wasn't wanting to talk any more.

 

I still don't think we've talked about it.

 

I think the reason he takes my keys and purse, is because he KNOWS when I leave during a fight, I either go shopping to make myself feel better, or I go to a hotel.

 

Both of which cost about $70.. hee hee.

 

So when he tells me I can leave, he doesn't mean go SHOPPING, he means move out. But he knows I won't "move out" so he takes my keys and purse, so I can't waste money.

 

I lose all reservation when he's hurt me. I'll look at something, and think, "I shouldn't spend that much on that....what the heck, who cares what he thinks!" and buy it.

 

woops! Back to Deranged's problems

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Monday

That's messed up.

 

Yes it is. Why are there so many out there like that? It's so discouraging.

[Abram_john]

Hello there

I am abram john from the philippines

As I read your story i think u need a time to rest your case and reflect on what is happening in your life now

Do not worry because it will deteriorate ur body and destroy the way you think

have time for your self and look at things in a way you can have a better judgement in your relationship turn to God in everything and wait for his answers for the questions u have thats seems to me is not answered by your own judgement turn to God and be still if your head and heart ache just be still and say nothing and think nothing and wait for God to talk to u. And besides am re for you hehehe

Any way just tryin to cheer u up. God has plans and let go and let God.

God loves u girl and knows what the ryt thing for u

reflect and take a rest and see things in Gods eyes

He has plans for you!!! Be still and know that I am here God says.

Bless U and u know Me as your friend loves u and am always here and God to love u

[moimeme]

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this - and that I missed your post first time around

 

The others are right, though. One very wise fellow once said to me that he always asked himself whether a lady he was interested in would be good for him.

 

Really, love makes you better. Not all the time, of course, but it ought not be about misery and feeling unwanted and uncared-for

 

I'm afraid it may be time to cut this one loose. There has to be someone better for you out there!

[faux]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

I need to rant, guys.

 

It just hit me today (although I guess the problems between us are "old", whether I knew this or not) that the only man I have ever truly loved, doesn't really love me anymore, and might have never, the way I thought that he did. One minute I was making great plans with him, and the next... it's practically over. For me, at least. He still wants me in his life, but only in moderation I suppose. He wants his own time to do whatever he wants/needs... he doesn't even want me calling. He only calls me when he wants to talk and to say goodnight or whatever. So, he thinks things are ok - but they aren't for me! Any time I try to talk with him, he says I'm being "over emotional". He wants me to try and relax and give him time (he says, a month or so) to decide if we should continue to date. Should I put up with this? I mean, is it fair for me to be there for him, but not vice versa?

 

It sounds to me that he is pushing you out of his life in quite a harsh way. You cannot, and should not, be an "on call" girlfriend. I believe that in a relationship both parties should be there as much as they can for the other. No. I do not think that is fair at all. You should not put up with him placing you through such agony to 'decide' if he still wants you around.

 

If he cared, he would know that NOW and not be questioning things.

 

Also, I'm having a few health problems lately, and he doesn't even seem supportive of that!

 

Very rude of him. Very wrong of him.

 

It seems, every night an hour or so after I fall asleep, he calls me (the only time he calls during my days) to talk a bit and say goodnight. Then, I'm up for the rest of the night worrying about "us". If there even is an "us".

 

I am sorry to say, that it does not sound as though there is an "us" with you and him. If there is, it certainly is not a very good "us".

 

It hurts that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore. He is like dripping with apathy. He will even admit to this. His excuse is that he has a lot going on in his life (I find this untrue) and that he needs to decide what he is going to do. And his life's stress is causing him to not be able to feel for me the same way, or something. Like he is emotionally tired?

 

Stress is very real, but the way that he is acting is wrong. I think that if he cared about the relationship he would be trying very hard to sit down and communicate everything that is going on with you, and to be as kind to you as he can. I believe he would make time for you when you needed him, and that you would be more than understanding if he were to say "Sorry. I am having a very bad time now. I cannot talk tonight, but perhaps I can call you tomorrow or in the next few days? Feel free to call me again. Sorry, but things are just very hard and I will tell you about them when I gather myself again."

 

Whenever I cry or mention that it doesn't seem like I am important to him anymore he yells, tells me to shut up, occasionally swears. His logic behind this is that I should just be happy with him, and when I'm not, it gets old and he has every right to express his anger, since I express my hurt. So, like, am I never allowed to display any unhappiness if I don't want him to yell at me? That doesn't make any sense to me, guys... your insight is welcome.

 

You do not deserve to be yelled at, or to be made to feel guilty or wrong for having feelings. Your feelings should be respected and listened to. If he were listening to what you are telling me now, in this post, he would understand that you have every right not to be happy. This all sounds very wrong, I'm afraid.

 

I would like to have a boyfriend that cares when I am hurt. He used to, I believe. But now, he is so annoyed with me all of the time. How can I voice to him that crying about your hurt is not the same as yelling and swearing when you are angry about someone crying? The more he yells, the more I cry anyway.

 

If he does not realize this on his own — that yelling at you will do no good — then I do not believe you can tell him with any words and have him really understand.

 

He also says, my only choices when he is angry are: I can let him yell at me, or I can give him space, get off the phone. Just not talk to him. Is this bad, weird? Why can he not express his anger some other way? Like talking it through somehow? That is how I usually choose to deal with my anger, anyway.

 

Some people need to be left alone when they are angry, as they do not want to talk about things and most often are incapable of doing so in a proper manner. My father is like this, and no matter how badly I need to try to talk to him when he is upset, he will never talk to me. Sadly, once he recovers he rarely wants to talk even then.

 

You are not the one who has to deal with his anger. YOU do not have CHOICES in dealing with him. HE has choices in dealing with HIS anger. It seems that he is confused about that part of things. If he is angry, he can tell you that he does not want to talk at that time, and that he thinks it would be best to get off of the phone. He can do this politely.

 

 

We have had a long distance relationship for over a year and a half, and every time we thought about moving in together, and made plans to actually do it, he freaked out! He always finds something wrong with me, or us, to use as an excuse to decide to wait.

 

I would say that was a very big, huge red flag, no? Bad sign. Bad, bad sign.

 

I told him the last time it happened that he had three months to decide, and I would have to leave, because it is very painful to want him in my life, have the possibility dangling in my face, but knowing that he doesn't want me with him. When I told him this, he acted like it was fair, and he understood my reasoning... but also it seemed like he was ok with losing me! Like he would rather have me out of his life completely than change a little, compromise, and live with me like we had planned. That hurt so much.

 

Seeing how he has been treating you and going on about things, I have to admit that I was not surprised to learn he did not seem all too concerned about losing you.

 

He is all that I've ever really known of love, you know? I've been mistreated by several people in my life, and he was so different. Until recently. I just don't understand why he is either always so hot, or so cold. And every time I mention something in his behavior, he blames me for complaining. Which, please, if you think that is true, please tell me!

 

I have been through several bad people as well, and people who turned bad. I think it's easier to remember how things were rather than realize how horrible things are at present, that is when things are horrible. You cannot show your feelings around this man. You are blamed and made to feel guilty for everything it seems. You are mistreated and completley undeserving of this treatment. I think this man is undeserving of you.

 

I just needed to get this out. Do we have a chance? Is he just afraid of commitment? What is the deal?

 

It does not sound that there is a good chance of having a chance. I think that he is uninterested in committment, rather than afraid of it. The deal is that things are bad, and I think you might be better off single, but that is only what I think. Certainly I believe that you would be better off without this treatment.

 

Added: also, when I suggested we talk about our issues via email, since my sadness pissed him off, and his anger made me sad (in a continuing circle of crying. yelling. crying. yelling. until he hangs up on me) he basically said that he didn't have TIME or the ENERGY to correspond with me through email. Me. His girlfriend. He didn't have time to work it out?

 

-Deranged

 

That was wrong of him to say. I believe that if he had the guts to tell you how he really felt, you would probably hear him say that he does not see anything in this relationship any longer. It would hurt you, but at least he would be doing the right thing by telling you, rather than putting you through so much torture.

 

I'm sorry I had nothing good to respond with. I promised you a response and I tried to be as thorough as possible for you. Again, sorry my response came so very late, but I keep my promises. I wish you the absolute best of luck, and you know that you are always free to PM me on these forums, and to specifically request my input.

 

I hope you will find someone that you deserve, and who will treat you RIGHT.