Infidelity

[Twisted]

Complex, bear with me:

 

I just recently got married to a longtime boyfriend. We dated for two years in college and were married at the end of summer following graduation. We just bought a new house (with the help of my generous parents) and are in a comfortable situation.

 

We had a very strange introduction to our relationship. We met through mutual friends, three days in the same weekend we just ran into each other, at a party, at a barbeque, at a friend's house. We decided after spending hours each time talking that we liked each other.

 

The first few weeks were a little weird (they always are, the "feeling out" period). There were times when he would brush me off and other times when he would be very romantic. I remember being confused as to whether or not we were even dating at all when he brushed me off for a few days.

 

During the first week I slept with an old boyfriend. It was a mistake, I felt really disgusted with myself about it. I always said I wouldn't be weak with ex's, but in a time of vulnerability I was. After the act, I ran out of my ex's apartment and resolved to never tell my new love interest.

 

It turned out that we got more serious than I imagined we would. He grew up over the next 2 years to be a loving, giving, trustworthy person. Although he has had some drinking problems I helped him through and he stays sober (mostly) now. There were some ugly, ugly scenes in the first few months involving his drining.

 

Last weekend he got drunk and lied to me about it. He came home from a football game completely trashed, stumbling and passing out and breaking dishes. I complained and he lied to me about six times over the evening and finally told me the truth right before we went to bed. I was angry, and in my anger I told him about my infidelity of two years ago.

 

He was hurt. Crying, upset (part of it was the alcohol, he gets very emotional). He refused to touch me and was distant the next day. He finally came to me yesterday and said it happened so early in our relationship that he forgives me, but it's still very sensitive and I don't know what else to do to make him believe that I won't hurt him again. I was never ever unfaithful after that one night, I've never even thought about another man. I suppose I was trying to make up for what has made me guilty every day for the past 2 years.

 

What else can I do? Any advice? We are committed to staying married come what may, and I even suggested marriage counseling, but he's clammed up and won't say a thing.

 

We reconciled last night in a very touching moment, but I still want to show him that he won't even have to be hurt like that again. Sorry so long.

[Tony T]

JUST FORGET IT....PLAIN AND SIMPLE...FORGET IT!!!

 

Making a concerted effort to do any more will just keep the matter in your minds and on the front burner.

 

There are certain things in life you should always keep to yourself, no matter how angry you get. Infidelity, or in your case perceived infidelity, is one of them. You stated in your post that at that point you weren't even sure you were dating. You should have forgiven yourself. although I don't think that was necessary, and moved on. It was really no big deal in the scheme of things.

 

Guilt is a crappy, non-productive emotion that should have never been invented. We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world and we shouldn't hold ourselves up to Godly standards. God forgives us and so should we!!!

 

However, you need to understand that your husband lied to you while he was under the influence of alcohol. That night, when he had sobered up a bit, he told you the truth. It wasn't that big of a deal...really. You could have elected to get pissed because he got drunk...but give the poor guy a break. When you want to quiz someone or have a meaningful talk, wait until the person is sober. Then, if they lie to you, you have solid ground to get really pissed.

 

NOW, PPPLLLLLEEEEEEZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEE don't start feeling guilty....learn from the experience and FORGET IT!!!

 

You can show him you won't hurt him again: by cutting him some slack and arguing with him when he has his full senses: by recognizing that he is human and will do stupid things from time to time; by not bringing up crap from the past when you want to get at him: by being a loving and productive member of the relationship; by carrying on with your lives in a normal fashion; AND BY JUST FORGETING ABOUT THIS STUFF.

 

Who you went to bed with in the first weeks after meeting your husband was so trivial and insignificant, you should have forgotten about it already. And a man getting drunk at a football game is so trivial and insignificant (as long as he wasn't driving) it should be immediately forgotten. A drunk man lying about having had some drinks is like the President saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky...yeah, right!!!

 

I take it this exchange was an isolated situation and for the most part you have a great relationship. Resume that now!!!

[Rifka]

(Tony wrote)

There are certain things in life you should always keep to yourself, no matter how angry you get. Infidelity, or in your case perceived infidelity, is one of them

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

 

I don't believe you should lie about infedelity, no matter how trivial it may appear. I realize the arguement for this is "What he/she doesn't know can't hurt him" but people sense things subconciously. Usually women sense this better than men, but not always. I know couples who have actually grown CLOSER because of a minor infedelity matter. The fact that they were able to go through the pain of dealing with it and re-evaluate their whole relationship was extermely beneficial. I would even go as far as to say that the infedelity HELPED their relationship. Of course, usually people are too ego-centric or immature to deal with these matters appropriately, hence the risk of breaking up or creating distance in the relationship.

 

Just my two cents.

[Jenna]

Women should understand something about men, and that is that they do not like to think about their wife\girlfriend with any other man. PERIOD. It doesn't matter when or who or what the reason was. It doesn't matter that it was years before he met her or yesterday. It doesn't matter if the encounter was during a loving relationship or a meaningless night of animal sex. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Even when they ask you about past relationships (and only God knows why they ask)- they really don't want to know. They want to hear "You are the only one that matters. I love you and only you."

 

Using that night with the other man- accomplished exactly what you intended for it to. You wanted to hurt him- get back at him.....and you did it. It was cruel- and hopefully you learned a valuable lesson. If you truly love this person and I believe you do..... work on solutions to your problems- not acts that make problems worse.

 

Eventually your relationship (after a lot of hard work and devotion) will be able to endure "complete" honesty- the ironic thing is that at that point- the skeletons will no longer exist in the closet- you will have learned that at this point in your relationship you will have achieved another important goal. That is, you will go to the ends of the Earth to keep from hurting your loved ones. You will no longer do things that would potentially cause emtional pain- nor will you wish to bring up things from the past that will hurt them. You will focus on the important things in life.. the "really" important things.

 

As for the drinking, if he truly has a problem, talk to him about help. If he has an occasional beer or two with friends at a football gathering- it is normal. I suspect that he may have lied because of your past reaction to the subject of drinking. We all lie to get or keep ourselves out of hot water- not that it is right- but its true. Let him know that it is okay with you to responsibly drink with his friends- on occasion. If you are convincing- he won't feel the need to lie about it.

 

Show him that you love him- and only him. Be a listener-and be a friend- this is how you make him see that you are in it for the long haul. He's had a mother- now he needs a partner. Good luck.

 

Jenna

[Jenna]

but.. was this truly infedelity? She stated that the incident was just after they met- they had not established a committment yet. She was not even sure if they were dating or if he was even interested in having a relationship. There are just some things that aren't other people's business. One does not need to share every detail of their lives with someone else- especilly when it will bring pain to the other person. Honesty- is by far- the best policy- but only when it is appropriate.

 

I do not know the actual statistics but I would venture to say that the vast majority of marriages where a spouse is cheating- end in divorce- not a stronger relationship. Of course there are exceptions to every rule- maybe this is the case with your friends. Infedelity is a hard blow-it destroys trust -and essential part of a healthy marriage. Most people do not have the strength to truly forgive and go on with their spouse.

 

In this womans situation- I agree with Tony- she should forget it-she knows it brings pain to her husband- what else can she do?

(Tony wrote) WRONG WRONG WRONG. I don't believe you should lie about infedelity, no matter how trivial it may appear. I realize the arguement for this is "What he/she doesn't know can't hurt him" but people sense things subconciously. Usually women sense this better than men, but not always. I know couples who have actually grown CLOSER because of a minor infedelity matter. The fact that they were able to go through the pain of dealing with it and re-evaluate their whole relationship was extermely beneficial. I would even go as far as to say that the infedelity HELPED their relationship. Of course, usually people are too ego-centric or immature to deal with these matters appropriately, hence the risk of breaking up or creating distance in the relationship.

 

Just my two cents.

[Tony T]

Everyone who has written here has a valid and justifiable opinion. Yes, it is so very nice to spill your guts out and fess up to unfaithfulness to clear your conscience.

 

BUT, if you value your relationship and the infidelity was of a very passing nature, the admission can destroy or severely injure a relationship IN ALMOST EVERY CASE.

 

Yes, it is so nice to be right up front and give the news as it occurred. But again, the absolute surest way for a married person to screw up their relationship forever, or for at least a long time into the future, is to disclose a cheating incident or an affair.

 

It does depend on the circumstances and if someone is pinned to the wall, I guess thay have to let it out.

 

But if the issue has not been called into question and no parties have been emotionally or otherwise injured by the extra-marital activity, no useful purpose is served by disclosing the details and it only causes pain, hurt, resentment, injury, and in many cases an end to what is otherwise a good or saveable relationship.

 

I do respect everyone's opinion here and maybe I'm wrong. But I make it a practice of keeping my mouth shut about details of my conduct or anybody else's that will injure other people when it is not necessary to do so.

 

The lady in the original post disclosed her alleged cheating after a very long time and ONLY because she was pissed because her husband lied about drinking at a football game. I think that was poor judgement.

 

Thank God most of our imperfect spouses do keep their mouths shut about their rare chance encounters and indiscretions or there would be a lot more murders, aggravated batteries, domestic violence, separations, divorces and marital discord in the world. There is enough pain in the world without artificially producing more.

 

Yes, the best thing to do is NOT to cheat in the first place. But, short of that, the second best thing is TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!

 

P.S. I took a moon pie (marshmallow cookie) from Williams Grocery store on the corner where I lived when I was 7. I slipped it under my shirt and walked out without paying. It was very good but I feel a lot better now that I have told the world. I hope the world is a better place because I have revealed this.

[Rifka]

I was only referring to "telling" in a general sense.

[venus]

Today I told my husband thatI cheated on him when he was gone for 10 months. I only cheated once,and I hate I ever told him. he first reacted violenltly by punching a hole in the wall,and later he took a walk. When he came home we talked about it and then we made love. After dinner he told me he just couldn't live with me anymore and he wanted a divorce. Telling a spouse is not the right thing to do if you want to chance loosing them.

[Tony T]

You have said from experience what I indicated in my post above and several others on this subject.

 

There is no valor or purpose served in hurting someone or in destroying two lives because of a human indiscretion. If only people knew how to keep their mouths shut.

 

I am very sorry this happened to you. Forgive yourself. What you did was perfectly human. How your husband reacted was perfectly human. Let's face it, perfect humans are perfectly imperfect.

 

This, too, shall pass!!!