ArdeaCandidissima Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 I have met a fellow (let me call him Brent) at an evening language class. I started a sexual relationship with him deliberately after a month or two of enjoyable phone and classtime conversations. For about 6-7 weeks, we have been spending several days a week together, mostly either in bed or talking for hours on end. I am trying to exit an unhappy marriage, and Brent is single with some rough breakups in his past. He is a caring and nurturing guy who takes wonderful care of his animals and seems to commit quickly. We have powerful feelings - I am sure there is a large element of infatuatin, but I see and feel real love growing as well. You know, the kind that has you seeking whatever is best for the other person. Brent says he feels the same. For those who question my morality - I am in a desperately unhappy marriage. For those who question Brent's: I lied and told him I was single to get him into bed, coming clean only after about a week when I couldn't stand my lies anymore. I'm ready for all your knives to my gut, so bring 'em on people!!!! My question: How do we tell whether this is the quick flameout kind of deal, or whether it can grow and mature into something that could last? Am I a slut? Do I stink? What should I do to get LS people to approve of me? Link to post Share on other sites
Azaroth Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 I do not agree with the whole cheating thing, especially in marriage... I wouldn't want my wife to seek the arms of another man, because she is unhapply married with me... I always think, it can be fixed - and the married couple should talk about the problems they have with each other and have an open communication with each other.... If it can not be solved then divorce should be followed.. after the divorce then i think it's ok to persue new people.. Do I think your a slut - no Do I think your skanky - no Do I think your thinking about yourself - yes Do I think you have morals, that's tough - b/c how would you feel if your husband cheated on you and that is the reason why you guys are unhapply marriage and that was the beginning of the break down of the marriage? Thinking about yourself and why do I say that, you have no respect for your husband, he may be just as unhapply married as you - and you won't talk to him about the problems and if you have and didn't work you should at least leave him and file for a divorce.. Was it wrong to lie to the guy and say your single, YES! I personally feel i will NEVER NEVER touch a married woman, just b/c I wouldn't want someone to touch my wife if i got married and respect our vows! I can tell your relationship doesn't have much communication/trust with each other and you should try and work with your husband... For the other guy, and for your husband, I think it would be fair if you stopped seeing both of them, come clean with your husband and your boytoy... if your husband understands and wants to work through it then you know you have something still there in the marriage and it is possible to work through it... I don't know what to say, just shocked people will cheat even in marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 Hi Ardea...haven't seen you around here for some time now...nice to see you Many new people on here will not know your whole story, and will make their comments based on only part of the story...but I guess that's besides the point. You seem like a very unhappy person, stuck in an unhappy marriage...and I HAVE read many of your previous posts, and can say I do feel for you. Honestly, I do not approve of cheating at all. It goes against my morals and ethics. You have choices. You need to either leave your marriage, or stick with it...nothing in between. That of course is my view. I am not going to shoot you down in flames. You've received enough viewpoints on here in the past! As for your question about knowing if it has the potential to be real love? It takes time to know that. You can't know within weeks, or even months, what a person is really like, and how a committed relationship would perhaps fair. I feel for the pain you have suffered/suffer...but it is time to take action.... you need to sort out your marriage and where you wish to go next, before you start wondering about whether or not you may find real love with this other man. It was unfair of you to lie to him. He is now involved in a tricky situation with you, and he could get hurt. That was selfish of you, but I suppose you knew that going in and felt desperate/unhappy enough to do so. That's not an excuse, but I can see what may have drive your actions. We aren't perfect and you have been tested in difficult cirucmstances. But really, it's time to do the fair and honest thing by all involved here...not just yourself. Please, think about the bigger picture and the others in your life before you continue things with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 No knives, Ardea…not while you’re doing such a good job of shooting yourself in the foot. I tried to warn you from the onset that it would be difficult to just have casual sex with random men without getting your emotions all tangled up in the mix. Women (for the most part) just aren’t built like men. We’re ruled by are hearts and not our genitals. I don’t think the important question to ask here is whether or not Brent is a good candidate for a mature, long-lasting relationship. I don’t know whether or not you have reached the point within yourself yet to be ready for that sort of thing. I think the important question to ask is; besides steamy sex (which is now fueled by the initial throws of lust and desperation right now), what else does Brent have to offer that your husband doesn’t? More importantly, how will this affair help you to leave your marriage or keep you happier while you remain in it? It’s simply my opinion, but I always thought if someone couldn’t exit a bad relationship without jumping right into a new one (or setting one up), then they aren’t emotionally stable enough to become a productive partner in any relationship. If you don’t fix what’s really wrong, then you’ll never be genuinely happy no matter WHO you're with. We can enter and leave one bad relationship after another, but the one constant we can never escape is ourselves. What should I do to get LS people to approve of me? The approval of strangers shouldn't even matter. Seek ways to find that approval within yourself. THAT is your key to happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 I'm glad you are having fun, Ardea God knows you deserve it after all the sacrifice and unhappiness you have endured. I agree with much of what Enigma has said so to save repetition I'll just add a note of caution - your signature says it all: And mother always told me Be careful of who you love. You have been starved of love for so long that you are vulnerable. What you want now may not be what you want when you have left your marriage and recovered from the worst effects of it. There may well be a large helping of need in this love. Only time will tell if it will turn into a lasting love. Meanwhile, enjoy but take care. Try and avoid making long term plans until your life is more settled, for Brent's sake as well as your own. Link to post Share on other sites
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