New to site, New to being the OW, Long Post, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

[JBoz0605]

Hi everyone, I am not here looking for advice. I am just in need of a place to vent my feelings. There is no one in my life that knows what is going on other than me and my MM. First a little background because I know that even if I say I am not looking for advice I am going to hear it.

 

I am 34; married for several years, have one child. My husband almost cheated on me about 2 years ago (I caught him before he could - he is not very computer savvy) and I left him for 4 months. There were several other problems in our marriage. I agreed to take him back and I guess I never should have. He loves me deeply, tells me I am beautiful, does anything I ask of him, is a kind and generous lover...and I don't love him. I feel nothing but friendship for him. Before all of the self-righteous people out there tell me to stop leading him on...the reason I don't leave is because he has Lupus and is unable to work. He is on SSI, but could not make it on his own. I am the major source of income for our family and I feel obligated to take care of him. When we were separated he had to live with his parents (at the time he was almost 38 years old). I am extremely unhappy but have put my own feelings aside.

 

Now, for my OW situation. I have been involved with my MM since I was 11 years old so to speak. He was the first boy to kiss me, and what a kiss it was. I have compared every kiss since then to him. I have not kissed him for almost 19 years, but I can still feel his lips on mine. All through high school we remained only friends (we had sex occasionally, but never dated), I never told him how I felt about him (loved him) because I thought all he wanted was a sex buddy. He married right out of high school (he was 2 years ahead of me), and we lost touch for a while. I saw him again in 1989, but he was still married and I was dating my now husband. The tension was still there between us, but I resisted his flirting and we again parted ways. About two years ago, during the time my husband was trying to cheat on me, I found my MM again. We chatted on the phone a couple of times, just as friends, no flirting, nothing. He had divorced his first wife and was married a second time and was happy. And I was genuinely happy for him. We emailed a little, nothing big - jokes mostly. Fast forward to Jan. '04. I named him in an email as the person least likely to respond because I hadn't heard from him in a while. He responded and asked me why I thought that. We emailed back and forth, he asked if I would be offended by a little harmless email flirting. I didn't think anything of it; he had never wanted me before. Boy was I wrong. He emailed me daily and then finally confessed that he had always wanted to ask me out in high school, but thought I would say no. He said that the last time we saw each other (1989); he wanted to ask me to leave with him but didn't have the courage to leave his wife and kids then. He said that he had always regretted letting me go and wanted to see where our friendship may lead. Now, he never said he was unhappy with his wife, and he said he did not want to break up my marriage. We continued to email, and he called me at work every day, we chatted online constantly, traded pictures, the whole nine yards. He told me how much he missed me; he remembered things about that first kiss that I had forgotten. He even knew the song that was playing that night. I guess I should mention that he is in the service and is stationed overseas. We were making plans for him to visit someday, and if things worked out for him to try and get stationed nearby. Then, he had a bad accident. And his wife was there for him and I was stuck here in the states.

 

He now says that he is confused, that his wife has been so helpful and understanding, that it is like he got a new wife and the path we were on would have led to his divorce, etc. etc. I am glad that she was there for him, I never asked him to leave her. And the intellectual part of me says he is right and maybe the accident was a good thing. But the emotional part of me is screaming in pain. I held my feelings for this person in check for two decades and now I am crushed. He led me by the heart right into an abyss. I never asked for anything more than a friendship from him, he has been the one to open all the doors, to push the boundaries.

 

At this point he says that he needs time to think about what he wants. In the mean time I am in limbo. I still love him deeply as a friend and hope that we can continue to be friends. I would still like to continue our relationship as lovers but will respect his decision. I don't want him to leave his wife, because I am not willing to leave my husband for him. And all I can do is sit and cry when I am alone - can't show any emotion at home.

 

Thank you all for listening, I know this was a long post. But I feel better just getting it off my chest.

[befuddled11]

Hopefully I don't fall into the category of one of those "self righteous" people you made reference to.

 

Have you noticed the irony in your situation? When you found out your husband was about to cheat, you left him for 4 months. Yet here you are, having an emotional affair with a MM.

 

It's surely not your husband's fault that he has a chronic, debilitating illness.....and I admire your devotion to stay with him, but do you think it's really fair that you're carrying on like this with an ex lover of yours, behind his back? Where do you see this going? What do you think it would ever do to your husband's emotional and physical state should he ever discover your affair? Surely that would wreak havoc on his Lupus.

 

If you clearly don't love him, do you really think it's honest to remain with him just because he can't afford to live on his own, all the while you're having an emotional affair with someone who should be true to his wife?

[JBoz0605]

Of course I see the irony in this situation. I am not dense. And yes I know that it is unfair to my husband and that it is not his fault he has a debilitating disease. How he handles his emotions about Lupus is his problem though. He has a lot of anger about it, but does not deal with it - instead he takes it out on everyone around him. He is not violent, but he is always in a bad mood and short tempered (even when he is having a good day). But that is not an excuse for what I have done/am doing. On an intellectual level, I know it is wrong - the whole situation - but on an emotional level I just don't care. It just doesn't feel like cheating, maybe because it has all been via email and the phone. On some level it is not real. I have put my happiness on hold for YEARS, and if I can be happy without hurting my husband, then why not. That sounds cold, I know. I am not a cold person, I am just sick of being sad all the time.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by JBoz0605

Of course I see the irony in this situation. I am not dense. And yes I know that it is unfair to my husband and that it is not his fault he has a debilitating disease. How he handles his emotions about Lupus is his problem though. He has a lot of anger about it, but does not deal with it - instead he takes it out on everyone around him. He is not violent, but he is always in a bad mood and short tempered (even when he is having a good day). But that is not an excuse for what I have done/am doing. On an intellectual level, I know it is wrong - the whole situation - but on an emotional level I just don't care. It just doesn't feel like cheating, maybe because it has all been via email and the phone. On some level it is not real. I have put my happiness on hold for YEARS, and if I can be happy without hurting my husband, then why not. That sounds cold, I know. I am not a cold person, I am just sick of being sad all the time.

 

I don't think you sound like a cold person. I think you sound like someone who's caring and devoted (to your husband) but with him,you're feeling empty and you don't ever see it getting any better. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, it's a tough spot to be in, for sure. How long ago was he diagnosed w/ Lupus? How far along in his disease is he? I'm sure he's rightly-so, very angry and discouraged about his health....and his future. Are there any Lupus-support groups in your area? Do you think he'd be interested, or is just too angry at this stage? What about counselling for him....would he be open to that?

 

As hard as it is to do, have you sat down and told him that he's very hard to live with, in terms of his moods and anger, etc.....and that he owes it to you and your child to get some help for this, because it's really wearing on you. If nothing else, it might make your life less miserable, you know?

 

As harsh as this may sound, just because someone has a chronic/terminal illness, it doesn't give them the right...err.....it doesn't make them automatically entitled to make life miserable and tense for their loved ones.

 

If nothing else, if there IS a Lupus support group (I know there are several "online") you can contact, maybe YOU could do so.....just to get your frustrations with him off your chest....because YOU need support, too.....from people who really know this disease and such.

[JBoz0605]

I know my husband has reasons for being angry and frustrated, and I appreciate how hard it is for him to suddenly be in the position of having someone else take care of him. He has admitted that it bothers him that he can't provide for his family. He can't seem to grasp that taking the initiative to get SSI, taking over the daily household chores, being there after school for our daughter...that is all providing for us. I have tried for years to get my husband to go to a counselor - he went with me to a marriage counselor and spent the entire 6 weeks worth of sessions wasting my and the counselors time. He wouldn't answer any of her questions, he was sarcastic and in general an a**. It hurts that he doesn't care enough about my feelings to be open to anything like that. The only time he has spoken to anyone about any of his feelings about Lupus (BTW - he was diagnosed almost 8 years ago, when our daughter was one), or about us is when I left him and he went to his parents. He talked with his sister (degree in psychology) and before we got back together he admitted that he has anger issues and his online cheating was because he didn't feel like a man anymore. But as soon as I took him back it started again. And he doesn't want to talk to me about it; every time I try to talk to him about it he puts it back on me. He has always done that, not just since the diagnosis. If I say I am not comfortable with something, or I wish he would do something a little differently, I am suddenly an ogre. I am the one with the problem, not him. I am beginning to think that he doesn't really want to be in this marriage either but is trying to convince himself he does.

 

As for Lupus support groups, the closest one is over 100 miles away. I have looked at the online groups, but most of them are women with lupus, not much out there for the female spouse of a male lupus patient. But I will keep looking and trying to get him to go to counseling, it is what I do, persevere for everyone else.

 

Maybe that is what this emotional affair has been about. I have always put everyone else first and it is taking it's toll, I can't take much more of it. Having someone that tells me he wants me for me and that is asking for really nothing in return. He doesn’t want me to leave my husband, he doesn’t have kids he wants help raising (his are grown), he just wants me. A break from reality and responsibility is what he offers me. But it is a moot point right now, I don't even know if he still wants me. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and don't know if I ever will. He is going through his own problems right now and said he needs time to decide where I fit into his life. I am trying to move on from it all, but I think if he contacted me 20 years from now I would still go to him. I have known him for more than half my life; he will always hold a special place in my heart. I don't know, I guess right now I am very confused and frustrated and need some time to be by myself and think.