2.5 months, first encounter with the ex

[ScienceGal]

When the ex and I split it was like a grenade to my social life. I had built everything around him, and when we fell apart, I disappeared. I wondered who would still speak to me, I worried what people were thinking. I hid for 2 months.

 

Tonight, a friend convinced me to suck it up and attend an event that he would be at, along with the group of 'friends' I used to be with. Awkward, yes, but I wanted to go... so, I went. Most people spoke to me as they always had, and really only one close friend of his seemed awkward. I smiled and I looked fantastic. The ex saw me and 'looked me up and down' according to a friend. Then the 'after party' spilled into a local pub. I was chatting it up and having a great time, the ex had yet to show... and then there he was, he showed up late with another woman who had not been at the event earlier. He seemed drunk and she seemed trashy. They were rubbing each others back and being way too touchy feely. It made me feel sick, yet I held it together. There were 2 close friends there that understood what was going on. And even a couple others commented on how inappropriate it was. He (big ego) jokingly went around the table shaking hands and introduced himself. He said "Hi, I am 'x' and I am awesome". When he got to me I refused my hand and looked him dead in the eye and said, "I know... the first part, not the second". I felt pretty witty.

 

Part of the group went to leave (were outside) and the ex was standing to leave too. He was right next to me and without thinking I stood up and said "hey, do you have a minute"... he said "no, not tonight... another time" I replied "no, then just forget about it" and walked off. (He has ignored me since the split 2.5 months ago.. said he will "speak to me when he is ready".. he owes me the rest of my stuff and some money).

 

I am happy I went to the event and smiled and kept it together. Happy for my witty remark. VERY upset that he is home right now screwing that trashy chick. Even more upset I stood up to try to pull him aside for a talk..now he must know I still care. MOST upset that still do care.

 

Holy effing cannoli, I am already cried out. I can't squeeze another tear. I am just so floored that he would find some chick to bring, just to clearly rub it in my face. I don't even know what else to say.

 

LSers, the choices we make to 'move on'... oh how I wish they were clearly labeled.

[Stncldgent]

You know that you can only talk to them so much, then something clicks in your head and you realize that you can do better than them.

 

It took me about a month to the day that my ex decided she didn't want me in her life anymore,(because she found someone else to take my place) yesterday I called her out on it and told her to tell me verbally that she never wanted me in her life anymore, as she broke up with me via text message. Well she would not say it, she still denied that she is seeing someone new.

 

I told her that I don't like being lied to and told her while I still cherish what we had I am moving on myself and that I no longer needed her in my life and told her good luck with whatever she calls the life she has coming to her,(since the loser she is with now has no job and is mooching off of her) and that she should never expect our lives to cross the same paths again.

 

Since yesterday, everything in my life has been brighter, my stress level is down and I don't feel that she controls my every move anymore. Yes I still think about her but can safely say that I do not want her back anymore. I am really surprised that i can feel this way after only a month of splitting up.

 

Perhaps cutting all ties you have with them is the best possible answer to everything that ails you. Perhaps you are not to the point where you can easily shut him out of your life yet. but do you really want someone that wants to string you along or parades a skank around in front of you just to get some sort of emotion?

 

Good luck with your decision, as the heart can be a powerful weapon.

[wilsonx]

I know it bothers you and it hurts but NC is still NC for that reason.

 

Sciencegal, didn't you post earlier that you went out with another guy? Keep doing that. Well if you don't like this new one, find another to hang out with. I've started talking to and hanging out with someone new and right now, her and I have a lot of similar things that we like, way more then my ex and I. I am taking this one day at a time and still focusing on me too but it gives me one something else to think about other then the ex.

 

My ex and her new boyfriend (lol dadfriend) are scared of me, they wont even cross my path and I make it a point to not cross theirs. If there's a place I know they are going to be, then I just wont show up, its not worth it. There are plenty of other places that I can go other then where they are. I've tossed all our mutual friends that are her friends, not worth it as well.

 

For me, it doesnt sting anymore. I do not obsess about her anymore. I do still have feelings but they are slowly but surely fading.

 

Trust me, our ex's might put on this facade that they are happier, especially the relationship jumping ones, but they aren't. Let them keep jumping from one branch to another, eventually one of those branches is going to break and they will hit the ground just as hard as we did.

[TrueColors]

Let them keep jumping from one branch to another, eventually one of those branches is going to break and they will hit the ground just as hard as we did.

 

Nice analogy there!

 

OP - You did well. Unfortunately, with exes, it is all just for show. It was evident by the way he acted at the event and just shows how much he relies on people's opinion of him (inc yours!). Just concentrate on living your life for you.

 

With your possessions, maybe have a mutual friend pick it up for you. As for the money, this happened to me in an old relationship. Is it a lot of money? Depending on how badly you need it, I would let it go. It's infuriating, but sometimes it's best to let things be. Otherwise it just becomes another unwanted connection to him.

[Nohbody]

You're well on your way on the path to recovery. I'm proud of you, and I know you're going to get through this and be better for it.

[ScienceGal]

Feeling better this a.m. despite getting very little sleep.

 

What I would have done differently is not gone to the 'after party' since it went from being a large group of people to a small group. And it would have been funny for him to show up with that trash and have me not be there and be told that I had other plans. But, I am proud of myself (thanks for being proud of me too Nohbody). He doesn't own this town, and his little show will only help me move on by driving home the fact that he is a jerk. He went from a being on a pedestal, to a foot stool, and now I feel like I am actually towering over him.

There is no way any of what I saw last night is lasting happiness. So, I'll be the tortoise and he can be the hare

 

As much as it hurt, I held it together, and I will do it again and again until I don't even feel sad about it. I saw probably a dozen other people that approached me to see how I was doing (nothing to do with my ex). I will see some of them at other events where he may or may not be. Now he knows that I am not 'hiding' from him anymore. I am going to live my life as if he doesn't exist. The price of loving him is being paid, and I plan to pay in full and move on 100%.

 

@Wilson, I will go out with the guy I went out with the other night again. I will take my time getting to know him. If I continue to see him, things will be on my timeline and my terms. I will lay it out for him and he can take it or leave it. That was the first date I went on where I was not nervous at all because I had zero fear about him liking me or not. I have no desire to be anything but myself.

Edited August 27, 2011 by ScienceGal

[antinko]

I think we're at similar stages ScienceGal. Well done for going out and being confident. I liked your witty remark. His introduction smacked of laaaammmmee!!!.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself up for asking to talk to him - you did the right thing by denying him his terms for when you speak so you should hold your head up high.

 

It feels to me as if he paraded his new lady friend around because he's insecure and she probably is too.

 

You're obviously a more well developed individual. You have my transatlantic moral support.

[ScienceGal]

You're obviously a more well developed individual. You have my transatlantic moral support.

 

Thank you

[moontiger]

Part of the group went to leave (were outside) and the ex was standing to leave too. He was right next to me and without thinking I stood up and said "hey, do you have a minute"... he said "no, not tonight... another time" I replied "no, then just forget about it" and walked off. (He has ignored me since the split 2.5 months ago.. said he will "speak to me when he is ready".. he owes me the rest of my stuff and some money).

 

I am happy I went to the event and smiled and kept it together. Happy for my witty remark. VERY upset that he is home right now screwing that trashy chick. Even more upset I stood up to try to pull him aside for a talk..now he must know I still care. MOST upset that still do care.

 

Holy effing cannoli, I am already cried out. I can't squeeze another tear. I am just so floored that he would find some chick to bring, just to clearly rub it in my face. I don't even know what else to say.

 

I'm confused; he is behaving like an angry, bitter dumpee, not a dumper.

 

What is up with that?

[ScienceGal]

I'm confused; he is behaving like an angry, bitter dumpee, not a dumper.

 

What is up with that?

 

He needed me to be able to stuff my feelings and talk about things when he was ready. I couldn't do that. I like to talk about things in a way that it doesn't have to be a fight, but he can't (anger issues that he won't admit he has). So, we had 2 fights in which he walked out within 5 minutes and ignored me for days. The second fight was the end of our relationship.

 

In the breakup email he wrote that I had hurt him so much and that he felt like I treated him as less than an equal by not respecting his space and that he could not be in a relationship like that. So, I know he cared a lot about me and was upset that we weren't working out. I've had relationships last 2 -3 years, and his longest has only been 10 months (we lasted 6). He had even told his friend that I was "the one". So, I know he thought he finally found the woman he was going to be with. But, I think deep down he knows he can't control his anger, so he has to have someone who doesn't want immediate communication when issues arise.

 

So, he is bitter because he wanted to keep me and have things all his way. He is mad that I hurt him and took the opportunity last night to try to make me hurt. He also has a huge ego and probably loves the thrill of being in control.

 

I don't think he will ever see any faults in himself.

Edited August 27, 2011 by ScienceGal

[M2155]

"Hi, I am 'x' and I am awesome"? That is so ego:rolleyes:. That sounds like something corny my ex would say. I think when people start saying stuff like that they are trying to boost their own confidence. You clearly walked away being the more confident one and he will remember that. Don't sweat that he didn't want to talk to you, he probably said no for the same reasons we do, because we don't want the other person to think we care. Keep it up;)

[sun_moon]

Wow ScienceGal, well done, I'm so happy for you and how you handled yourself. You should be so proud and feel great. Yes it sucks that he was so low as to parade that trash in front of you, but your response was perfect.

 

He's isnt over you and like my ex, his ego is a shell to his real confidence, or shall I say lack there of.

 

OMG, he said I'm x and I'm awesome, WTF? Who does that, I thought this stuff only happens in movies? He is definitely over compensating for something he's feeling inside or avoiding, more like.

 

Keep moving forward, keep being the tortoise, and good luck on your second date.

 

You are an amazing woman and dont you ever forget it.

 

Your taste in music proves that .

[ScienceGal]

Wow ScienceGal, well done, I'm so happy for you and how you handled yourself. You should be so proud and feel great. Yes it sucks that he was so low as to parade that trash in front of you, but your response was perfect.

 

He's isnt over you and like my ex, his ego is a shell to his real confidence, or shall I say lack there of.

 

OMG, he said I'm x and I'm awesome, WTF? Who does that, I thought this stuff only happens in movies? He is definitely over compensating for something he's feeling inside or avoiding, more like.

 

Keep moving forward, keep being the tortoise, and good luck on your second date.

 

You are an amazing woman and dont you ever forget it.

 

Your taste in music proves that .

Thank you. It is really strange to be where I am. I am not conceited at all, but I know what I have to offer and I know I am a great partner. I can see the differences between him and I, and I know I deserve better. I am still coming from a place of wanting to help him though. It's very strange.

 

By 'x' I meant his name, not 'ex'. So I guess I could have been more clear. He said "Hi, I am "Joe" and I am awesome". Still super lame. There wasn't one person there that didn't know him. I wonder how many people thought he was being an inappropriate jerk.

 

I feel bothered about the whole thing, but I did not fall back to day 1 (even with the surprise of the other woman) so that's good. I didn't know him before he and I were together, so it might be that is just how he is with women. He and I were a little touchy feely sometimes, but not that quickly. It seemed so fake. Mostly, I feel sorry for him since I loved and cared for him more than anyone else in his life. Him turning love into anger due to his ego and pride is something I will never understand.

 

I know he cared for me, I just don't think he loved me (in my understanding of the word). And, I hope he doesn't call or message me since I tried to talk to him I won't worry about that until it happens though.

[M2155]

Understood what you meant by "x"

Ego stroking himself all the way!

[sun_moon]

No I understood what you meant by x. I just still cant believe he would go around introducing himself and adding awesome. lol

Edited August 28, 2011 by sun_moon
spelling

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Good for you for handling that so well ! His intro was very self centered !

 

When he got to me I would have said " We've heard it all now " " Oh Please! "

 

I don't do well with confrontation ! I"m a fighter ! Drinks thrown you know !

 

His chick on the floor ! I'm 5' 4 " , 130 lbs. I'm not all that big I don't know

 

why I think I can take the whole world on ! Looking at me I have grace and

 

class. But if the place was right look out. Go watch the movie "White Chicks" for a laugh !

 

I'm sorry you are hurt and he can still do it to you ! So sorry you had to

encounter the new GF. That's what I can't handle ! Them in the picture !

 

You did very well nice and calm ! Queen of Hearts 10

[reimeivn]

the new gf of him chose to be with him. she chose to be with a loser. i think so.

[reimeivn]

oh and you are gonna feel so much better really soon. Once this is gone you will be like, oh i dont care.

[ScienceGal]

I was told today that he is no longer seeing the woman he pranced around with in front of me (rebound I guess). He is "back to his single self" which I imagine means eating poorly, drinking a lot and sleeping little. I informed the person that told me that I do not care to hear about him anymore.

 

Now he is all I am thinking of. It's strange though. I don't have hope he will call; in fact, I don't want him to. I still feel a strong attraction to him, but just thinking about communicating with him makes me feel very uneasy. He's hurt me so much it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's as though I love him still, but my mind is overpowering my heart (for once!). I resent him for how horrible he has been, but I feel bad for him too. I want to talk to him and hug him and show him love. I want him to realize so many things (I know this cant be forced). It is the most bizarre mish mash of feelings that I've ever had. If he does call, that'll be very tough for me. I won't answer immediately, I'm certain of that.

 

Anyway, I am not going to do anything at all about it. I will never reach out to him. I'll just work through this. I'll just keep moving forward.

Edited November 1, 2011 by ScienceGal

[tgr172]

He is a Type A and what women dont understand is that while thats attractive ie self confident, center of attention, life of the party giving monologs, etc. But it also carries with it a self centerdness and neet for attention even if it involves other women (particularly other women). Its what motivates them.

[ScienceGal]

He is a Type A and what women dont understand is that while thats attractive ie self confident, center of attention, life of the party giving monologs, etc. But it also carries with it a self centerdness and neet for attention even if it involves other women (particularly other women). Its what motivates them.

 

He definitely showed signs of type A, but not always. He craves social acceptance/admiration. He is a man of the community for sure. But, he seemed to really want a long term loving relationship, he was just incapable of seeing that he has ownership in his failed ones. He hasn't realized what being in a relationship means (e.g. compromise, communication). BUT, perhaps he will find someone that will bow to him and give him what he wants, unconditionally. Unlikely... although we are all looking for someone to meet our individual needs. It might be just unlikely that I'll find someone to fill mine, even if they are healthy and realistic.

[moontiger]

I was told today that he is no longer seeing the woman he pranced around with in front of me (rebound I guess). He is "back to his single self" which I imagine means eating poorly, drinking a lot and sleeping little. I informed the person that told me that I do not care to hear about him anymore.

 

Now he is all I am thinking of. It's strange though. I don't have hope he will call; in fact, I don't want him to. I still feel a strong attraction to him, but just thinking about communicating with him makes me feel very uneasy. He's hurt me so much it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's as though I love him still, but my mind is overpowering my heart (for once!). I resent him for how horrible he has been, but I feel bad for him too. I want to talk to him and hug him and show him love. I want him to realize so many things (I know this cant be forced). It is the most bizarre mish mash of feelings that I've ever had. If he does call, that'll be very tough for me. I won't answer immediately, I'm certain of that.

 

Anyway, I am not going to do anything at all about it. I will never reach out to him. I'll just work through this. I'll just keep moving forward.

 

Argh SG...you are me.

 

It's a strange mix of feelings, isn't it? You've described it so well; I can't do better. I feel inspired to go pour my heart out in my own thread now.

[Popehappycat]

Just wanted to give you a kudos for your bit about your mind overpowering your heart. You might still want him, but you don't need him, and you know it. Stay strong and you'll get what you deserve! :-D

[marqueemoon4]

He sounds like a garden variety douche.

[Sugarkane]

He sounds like a garden variety douche.

 

Lol so true! ScienceGal your ex sounds do much like mine its not funny. I really mean it the arrogance, selfishness, blaming you, not having relationships over 6 months. I could go on! I was thinking what's the point in going the right thing anymore? I don't understand why the dumper acts like the dumped for, odd. This situation is really similar to what my high school boyfriend did to me. I can completely relate.