What can couples do to try and keep their marriage loving and happy...into old age?

[Thinkalot]

I realise some of you may be all talked out on the subject of marriage/ whether the institution is still worthwhile/why people cheat and so on. But if anyone has the inclination or time, I'd like to look at it from another angle. Not 'why' does it not work, and what is wrong with it...but what can people do to try and increase their chances of making it work...even after the kids have left the nest?

 

These words from zarathustra are particularly sobering and rather bleak, I think, for those, like me, who continue to harbour any ideals about marriage:

 

Is marriage dead? Possibly.

 

I've seen a number of seemingly rock solid marriages crash and burn once the couple reach their late 40s/early 50s and the children have grown. These couples were smart, successful, responsible, relationship-savvy and in love. Then, as if someone had thrown a switch, each spouse went into his and her separate emotional direction and many of the marital feelings went "poof."

 

Something is happening, here, and all the Dr. Phils in TV land can't put these middle age, empty nester marriages back together.

 

Perhaps the institution of marriage should catch up to the reality of marriage. Fewer and fewer people are marrying and the majority of marriages don't last a life time. With today's life expectancies, a life time is too long for most marriages to meaningfully last. At 50, we're very different than what we were at 25. Yet we're expected to harbor the same enduring feelings. [b/]

 

 

Do you agree with this? What things would you list as ways to help at least try and ensure a marriage has a long happy life? I know books list things, just interested to hear what people here personally have to say.

[moimeme]

1. Commit to not quitting

2. Commit to being a loving person - particularly to your beloved

3. Never let anything be more of a priority than the relationship for more than a very little amount of time

4. Be someone you'd be happy to live with

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

4. Be someone you'd be happy to live with

 

I think that is the hardest one...the others require making an active decision, this one is more about the person you are at the core, and sometimes it can be the hardest thing to modifiy aspects of yourself, to make you a more pleasant person to share a home with!...

[moimeme]

Well, life would be boring if one didn't have projects to complete, now wouldn't it?

 

Actually, I don't think it is about who you are at the core; I think it is about how you demonstrate who you are. I suppose maybe sometimes people have to fight themselves if their natural impulses are to be really selfish, but I think the latter is every bit as much an action and choice as the others.

 

Presumably, the person who has picked you has done so because that person's been allowed to see who you are at the core and has decided that is the sort of person that's wanted.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

Presumably, the person who has picked you has done so because that person's been allowed to see who you are at the core and has decided that is the sort of person that's wanted.

 

Well, yes, that's certainly what one would hope!

I suppose for me choosing to demonstrate myself a certain way is the hardest part then. Committment is easy, being loving is relatively easy to sustain...but curbing some of my natural tendencies and being someone I'd like to live with, is the toughest bit. OCD aside obviously! For example, I am continually working on knowing when to be silent and when to leave things well enough alone. I am like a terrier who chases after things....and I do not think I would find that easy to live with in the reverse! Therefore, I work to smooth the edges off some of my behaviours to make them easier to handle.

 

I am sure my partner does the same for me, and also struggles from time to time to do so!

 

Perhaps if I were a naturally easygoing soul, without OCD and ADD traits it would be easier...LOL! But hey, I am loved also for my enthusiasm for life, and even for my drive and determination. Always two sides to a coin I guess. One side shines, and the other can be in need of some cleaning up!

[bluechocolate]

Perhaps the institution of marriage should catch up to the reality of marriage. Fewer and fewer people are marrying and the majority of marriages don't last a life time. With today's life expectancies, a life time is too long for most marriages to meaningfully last. At 50, we're very different than what we were at 25. Yet we're expected to harbor the same enduring feelings.

 

I don't know about that one. You said in another thread "that it's all about me these days" and I feel that may have more to do with it. We're continually being the sold the idea of the perfect "everything" and in a throw away consumer society if something starts to break down we cash it in or throw it away and trade up for a better one.

 

This forum has so many examples of people who thought that being in love or meeting "the one" would make them so happy and fulfill and complete their lives. The minute something starts to go wrong people blame the relationtionship or the ex or in-laws or the sex or their partner. Then they, or their partner, think, "Well, the "one" is still out there waiting for me, I just haven't found the right person yet.", and off they go on the merry chase again. Like Moi said, "commit to not quitting".

 

My SO's parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year. They recently discovered that they both like musical theatre. Imagine being married for 50 years and not knowing something like this! At first I thought they must be somewhat dysfunctional, but when I thought about it I thought it was rather sweet. After all this time they are still discovering things about each other ( mind you they are certainly stiff upper lip Brits so there could be some dysfunction there !! ). My own parents have been married for 41 years now. They went through a bad patch ( probably several ) and once even separated when I was 10 years old. But they got back together & they still are together.

 

I think a lot of people believe that romantic love will sustain them and in my opinion this is where many people go wrong. That kind of love is essential of course but it can only do so much in a relationship. Once you're in there, day in day out dealing with the daily grind of life it can quickly lose it's power. That is when the love of friendship, companionship, self and respect come to the fore (or at least it should in my opinion).

 

I'm going to stop now before this turns into a novella, but to add to Moi's list:

 

be the best of friends above all other friendships

never be afraid to talk about anything (especially when you're angry or upset about something)

maintain your own uniqueness & celebrate your partners

[deesgirl]

Don't stop thanking each other and appreciating. It's hard to be taken for granted.

 

Don't assume your SO knows how you feel. Tell them and tell them often, whether it's I love you or I'm so thankful for all you do.

 

Be comfortable, but not so comfortable that you stop chasing your SO. There is nothing better than feeling like you are the most wanted and desirable person in the world. We get/give that when we're dating, but sometimes forget after marriage.

 

Keep your appearance up. It gets too easy to stay in sweats all the time and not care if we're looking our best.

 

If you aren't sure if something will hurt your SO or if you wouldn't do it in front of them, don't do it then discuss it. It saves heartache later.

 

Talk about each other's bounderies and find something agreeable to both. Don't take for granted that you SO thinks exactly like you do and has the same bounderies.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the thoughts so far. I'm going to print this thread out, and keep it with other relationship stuff we've got, as reminders for us.