geejayess Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 This stupid hurricane is making me want to break NC. My xMM was on vacation in the Caribbean; I am not sure he is back in the states yet, I just want to reach out to find out if all is well with him and his family- his children (from prior marriage) live in an area that is being evacuated in our city.... I know I can't do anything to help him but I just want to find out if all is well. I deleted all the information that would allow me to contact him, but I remember his username from a game that we used to play on our cell phones and there is a 'chat' option on that game. I just want to send a message saying I hope they are somewhere safe. Is that bad? Am I searching for ways to break NC and using this storm as an excuse? I've been good so far, but all the news coverage of the hurricane has me thinking about him and children. What should I do? Should I maintain NC? Is it really that harmful to my cause to let him know that I care about him and his family's safety? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 This stupid hurricane is making me want to break NC. My xMM was on vacation in the Caribbean; I am not sure he is back in the states yet, I just want to reach out to find out if all is well with him and his family- his children (from prior marriage) live in an area that is being evacuated in our city.... I know I can't do anything to help him but I just want to find out if all is well. I deleted all the information that would allow me to contact him, but I remember his username from a game that we used to play on our cell phones and there is a 'chat' option on that game. I just want to send a message saying I hope they are somewhere safe. Is that bad? Am I searching for ways to break NC and using this storm as an excuse? I've been good so far, but all the news coverage of the hurricane has me thinking about him and children. What should I do? Should I maintain NC? Is it really that harmful to my cause to let him know that I care about him and his family's safety? Yes, it is likely bad. For you. You send the message thinking it is just a friendly care. Then you wait. And realize by focussing your attention back on MM and when he will respond, you are right back to where you were when you were waiting for messages from him before. Then he answers, maybe with something like 'how are you'. You are engaged and back on the rollercoaster. 99.9999% chance he is fine. The other 0.0001% - he's not able to respond anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 This stupid hurricane is making me want to break NC. My xMM was on vacation in the Caribbean; I am not sure he is back in the states yet, I just want to reach out to find out if all is well with him and his family- his children (from prior marriage) live in an area that is being evacuated in our city.... I know I can't do anything to help him but I just want to find out if all is well. I deleted all the information that would allow me to contact him, but I remember his username from a game that we used to play on our cell phones and there is a 'chat' option on that game. I just want to send a message saying I hope they are somewhere safe. Is that bad? Am I searching for ways to break NC and using this storm as an excuse? I've been good so far, but all the news coverage of the hurricane has me thinking about him and children. What should I do? Should I maintain NC? Is it really that harmful to my cause to let him know that I care about him and his family's safety? You should leave his family to him. It is his responsibility. If you are truly concerned for them, don't add more drama to their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 DOn't do it, a few moments of feeling good isn't worth the pain that will follow afterwards. STAY STRONG and don't cave!! Write him a letter or two, but don't send it! Get whatever it is that you want to say to him, then delete it afterwards (or throw it away/burn it if you use paper and pen).. NC is in place for a reason. He is going to be fine. He's got his wife and family with him, possibly extended family, neighbours and friends near by as well. Focus on you and your safety during this storm and try your best not to worry too much about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 I am sure that is exactly true. Ok I just needed to get that out, I think. I have to make sure to set my cell phone AWAY from me so that I don't do it in a moment of spontaneity. I know that breaking NC, FOR ANY REASON, just puts me right back into that old behavior. I do NOT want to go back there. I have to keep reminding myself it is ok to have my feelings without acting on them. And you are right, that I would be waiting for a response (which is never fun) that I probably wouldn't get. Right now, I am not his concern so I need to step back. ...... OK. I can do this. Thank you for the responses. They do help. I am glad I came here before I went ahead and broke NC. I would have been angry at myself. And I am going to turn off the damn news! they've been repeating the same thing all day, there's not much new info for the hurricane, and I am not in an affected area. <Deep breath> Ok thanks again. This helps Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 I am sure that is exactly true. Ok I just needed to get that out, I think. I have to make sure to set my cell phone AWAY from me so that I don't do it in a moment of spontaneity. I know that breaking NC, FOR ANY REASON, just puts me right back into that old behavior. I do NOT want to go back there. I have to keep reminding myself it is ok to have my feelings without acting on them. And you are right, that I would be waiting for a response (which is never fun) that I probably wouldn't get. Right now, I am not his concern so I need to step back. ...... OK. I can do this. Thank you for the responses. They do help. I am glad I came here before I went ahead and broke NC. I would have been angry at myself. And I am going to turn off the damn news! they've been repeating the same thing all day, there's not much new info for the hurricane, and I am not in an affected area. <Deep breath> Ok thanks again. This helps Good for you! It's really great that you can love yourself enough to have that self-control. Keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 I've been thinking about it all day, but I couldn't do it. I've contacted all my family members and loved ones- and it felt glaringly obvious (to me at least) that he was being left out. I know that what BBNB says is true. I should leave him to his family- that is what is best for me, and him, and everyone else involved. I am working on changing my way of thinking. I am not a factor in their lives. I did take off the news- it's quite incendiary... I'm not even in an affected area and still I've been glued to the tv. I will just assume that all is well with everyone that I know. If I hear differently, (which I won't) then I will deal with that then. Thanks again for the responses! I am watching George Clooney to take my mind off things Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 This stupid hurricane is making me want to break NC. My xMM was on vacation in the Caribbean; I am not sure he is back in the states yet, I just want to reach out to find out if all is well with him and his family- his children (from prior marriage) live in an area that is being evacuated in our city.... I know I can't do anything to help him but I just want to find out if all is well. I deleted all the information that would allow me to contact him, but I remember his username from a game that we used to play on our cell phones and there is a 'chat' option on that game. I just want to send a message saying I hope they are somewhere safe. Is that bad? Am I searching for ways to break NC and using this storm as an excuse? I've been good so far, but all the news coverage of the hurricane has me thinking about him and children. What should I do? Should I maintain NC? Is it really that harmful to my cause to let him know that I care about him and his family's safety? Agree with the others. You are looking for an excuse to contact him. Whether or not his family is safe or not is not your concern. I think you really just want to see if he reacts and how he reacts. I am glad you decided to NOT contact him. It just brings you down and makes you look desperate (not that you are). Don't give him any reason to think he has hurt you like he has. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 This stupid hurricane is making me want to break NC. My xMM was on vacation in the Caribbean; I am not sure he is back in the states yet, I just want to reach out to find out if all is well with him and his family- his children (from prior marriage) live in an area that is being evacuated in our city.... I know I can't do anything to help him but I just want to find out if all is well. I deleted all the information that would allow me to contact him, but I remember his username from a game that we used to play on our cell phones and there is a 'chat' option on that game. I just want to send a message saying I hope they are somewhere safe. Is that bad? Am I searching for ways to break NC and using this storm as an excuse? I've been good so far, but all the news coverage of the hurricane has me thinking about him and children. What should I do? Should I maintain NC? Is it really that harmful to my cause to let him know that I care about him and his family's safety? I think you already know the answer Anyway, it's normal to have care and concern for this person and it's not a crime to ask how he's doing but one has to know one's true motivation., The problem with breaking NC,.a lot of the time, is that the reason you say you're doing it, is often not the real reason and when the person responds or doesn't respond in a way that matches your hidden motives, you get more upset and it sets you back. However, if you truly can accept him not replying and it won't make you go down the rabbit hole of mental drama OR him replying and being very curt/formal OR him taking it as an invitation to get back in your good graces and be able to decline and move on....then you should. If you can't, maybe you shouldn't. Chances are his family and he are just fine. Everytime I was worried about my ex and felt like I needed to make sure he was ok...he was always okay and his response always made me upset that I reached out, even if it was something basic as saying "Im fine", made me feel like why didn't he say more, how come he's not carrying on the conversation, and I would read the helll out of those 2 words and that break in NC lead me down the slope of questions and drama in my head! Not to mention he never seemed to be the one to check if I was okay. So that's some things to think about....but if you choose to break it, you won't perish. You'll either feel better, neutral or worst but either way you;ll eventually get over it. I do think breaking NC is sometimes a necessary step in remembering why you're doing it and one often has to break it a couple times and find that NOTHING has changed, before one feels no need to do it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 Hey LinD. I am sorry you got a response back. It's (almost) worse than getting no response at all. That is one of the things that I thought about- how if I did send a msg I wasn't guaranteed to get any kind of response back and then how would I feel? Still worried- but also angry and stupid. And sad. And the response you got back SUX a$$!!! That is JUST the thing to make you so mad at breaking contact- a half-assed response, like nothing is wrong and you never went through what you did. I am sorry for you, that you are feeling so messed up about it- but I am so glad and thank God that I didn't. FO- You are right- I AM looking for an excuse to contact him. I won't lie about it. I don't know his children, only what he has told me and although I AM concerned- because I care about him- there is nothing I could do for them, even if they were in peril. So I will just pray that EVERYONE survives this hurricane- and that I can continue to stay NC. Thank you so much for the feedback, everyone. I really do appreciate it. You guys ROCK! Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Geejayess say a prayer for him and his family. Leave him alone. Now you can use this time to have a hurricane party. Get to baking. Stay busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 I think you already know the answer Anyway, it's normal to have care and concern for this person and it's not a crime to ask how he's doing but one has to know one's true motivation., The problem with breaking NC,.a lot of the time, is that the reason you say you're doing it, is often not the real reason and when the person responds or doesn't respond in a way that matches your hidden motives, you get more upset and it sets you back. However, if you truly can accept him not replying and it won't make you go down the rabbit hole of mental drama OR him replying and being very curt/formal OR him taking it as an invitation to get back in your good graces and be able to decline and move on....then you should. If you can't, maybe you shouldn't. Chances are his family and he are just fine. Everytime I was worried about my ex and felt like I needed to make sure he was ok...he was always okay and his response always made me upset that I reached out, even if it was something basic as saying "Im fine", made me feel like why didn't he say more, how come he's not carrying on the conversation, and I would read the helll out of those 2 words and that break in NC lead me down the slope of questions and drama in my head! Not to mention he never seemed to be the one to check if I was okay. So that's some things to think about....but if you choose to break it, you won't perish. You'll either feel better, neutral or worst but either way you;ll eventually get over it. I do think breaking NC is sometimes a necessary step in remembering why you're doing it and one often has to break it a couple times and find that NOTHING has changed, before one feels no need to do it anymore. MissBee those first two emboldened lines- they are what I KNOW I would have been going through- or rather putting myself through. I am very good at making up scenarios in my head- I've already had conversations with him in my mind regarding the NC, and the storm, and the vacation.... I could go on and on! I came very close to sending him a chat msg. I had it worded perfectly so as not to seem like I was reaching, but more like concerned about him. One of the things we had become good at doing is telling each other "we are friends, why can't we stay friendly?" (Now in remembrance, it was he who did most of the talking along those lines ) That was the tack I was going to take- just to let him know that I care. SMH. Its funny what your mind can convince you to do! I also have to admit to looking for his number to appear in a text msg. Part of me is (foolishly? selfishly? hopefully?) thinking "isn't he concerned about me?" Ridiculous, I know. It would probably be safe to bet that I am the least of his concerns in general and even less so now with this evacuation. I am good for the night. I will still think of him. I'm resolved to that. But I am not in danger of breaking NC anymore. Dammit I've spent enough time on him today anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 Oh and DON'T respond back!!! You've found out how he is and you can let it go- and get back to being strong in NC... You're one of the ones who've help set ME on the right track!!! Come on! We can do this! If you are anything like me, you are probably thinking of different ways you could respond, and what he would say in turn, and then what you would say when he says he misses you, and then whether or not seeing him (in public cuz you know what would happen if you were alone) would be such a bad idea.... (I claim to not be creative but I have a very active imagination when it comes to this kind of sh*t since most of my relationship was carried on in my apt- big need for fantasy) JUST DON'T DO IT!!! Stay strong LinD!! You will get past this one break. And when (IF) my NC break happens- you tell me the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepessinoh Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 What is NC...I just ended with my xmm2 weeks ago and I am curious what this is Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 NC means going No Contact with affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 NC is No Contact... I don't know how to post the links to threads here, but there is one called "What NC means " or something along those lines.... READ IT!!! If you are feeling at all wobbly about your decision to end it, that thread will help, or it should. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepessinoh Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 NC is No Contact... I don't know how to post the links to threads here, but there is one called "What NC means " or something along those lines.... READ IT!!! If you are feeling at all wobbly about your decision to end it, that thread will help, or it should. I will look for the thread because I am not doing that. We have been exchanging emails and I just keep saying no to seeing him. He wants to remain friends and doesnt want to lose me out of his life. The thought of no contact makes it hard for me to breathe. But I feel like crap that is for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 OP, IT IS OVER AND HE IS NO CONERN OF YOURS!! why hasn't he checked in with you, to see how YOU are? He plain, flat out, does not care. I know it is difficult. My xMM would always email me during snow storms, etc., and send me pix. HOWEVER, when it is over, it is over. Leave him to his wife and family - those are the ones he cares about. He has not made an effort to contact you, and that is a good thing. Leave it be please! Call your friends, text your friends, do not contact the xMM please! You are worth so much more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 You are NC,,, you will never see him again and never know. That is part of being NC. YOu no longer have ANYTHING to do with him or his life. I still find it very difficult to accept at times but that's the way it is. I f you contact him.. it is a message to him that you want to see him again and he will most likely jump at it. BIG RED STOP SIGN! Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 You are NC,,, you will never see him again and never know. That is part of being NC. YOu no longer have ANYTHING to do with him or his life. I still find it very difficult to accept at times but that's the way it is. I f you contact him.. it is a message to him that you want to see him again and he will most likely jump at it. BIG RED STOP SIGN! Gentlegirl Do you know I have never considered the thought of never seeing him again? Right now that isn't an option- he works in my neighborhood so it is more than likely that we will bump into each other several times in a day, week, or month depending on how often we are outside. NEVER see him again is for way down the road. I'm not ready for that yet. I am ready to not have him in my life, not consider him first thing in the AM, not fantasize about him at night... but not to not see him. Maybe I am being unreasonable. I don't know. My break-ups prior to this have been somewhat more final; either he moved out or I moved out. This (A with xMM) is something that is out of my realm of experience. I don't want to not see him, I just don't want to love him the way I do. Is this strange? I don't have bad feelings towards him. I don't wish he would take a flying leap or anything like that. If anything I wish he would get counseling with his wife (and stick with it!) so that they can find a way to be together happily. I want him to be happy and not feel conflicted. I know my being available to him didn't help things so maybe removing myself from the equation will help to solve their problems. I don't hold on to grudges. Yes, I get angry when I think of how he didn't tell me he got married last year, but I generally try not to live in regret. I accepted it a few months after I found out about it, so it's not like I can get all righteous with anger now. I'm writing this to say that although I am ready to move on with my life and find happiness for myself, either with or without a boyfriend, the thought of never seeing him again just isn't something I can face right now. Have I set myself back with this way of thinking? Looking forward to responses... <sort of> Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option. Link to post Share on other sites
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