What's more important - marriage vows or authenticity?

[Barrsitter]

If the choice is to not break your marriage vows because you made the vows in the first place though your marriage is long dead, or getting a divorce so that the winds of love and life can flow through you again either alone or with another person, I would choose the latter.

 

Your thoughts?

[OnyxSnowfall]

If someone has exhausted all of the resources they're aware of (and have attempted to discover new ones)... then the latter is probably best. But for me, once that vow is made, I have to KNOW I've done everything within my power to "resurrect" the marriage / make it work before giving up.

[quankanne]

I don't think anyone who truly loves their partner enters a committed relationship like marriage with the intention to not live up to their vows, but people change. And if there's a serious enough rift in the relationship that cannot be healed by marriage counseling or enrichment, maybe it's time rethink the whole relationship knowing it could mean the end of things. There's no dishonor in a failed marriage if both of you honestly have done what you can to make it work and there's no other option left.

[Barrsitter]

Quankanne - I liked your last sentence. There is no dishonour in a "failed" marriage, etc. But I question the use of the word "failed". Is it a "failure" if two people sit down and actually reveal themselves openly and honestly and come to a mutual decision to part so that each person can find their true essence? I'd say that was not a failure.

[2sunny]

authenticity!

 

i see many unhappy marriages and people staying in them because they made vows. there's no merit in pretending to love someone - while KNOWING the vows aren't being honored if there's no love or commitment.

[Barrsitter]

2sunny - right on!!!!

 

Totally agree. Authenticity is THE ONLY WAY TO GO.

 

When we come from a place of self-love and authenticity, refusing to lie or fake our relationships, only then will we attract our divinely intended partner.

 

So glad I figured that one out. It's made all the difference in my life.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Barrsitter

[quankanne]

There is no dishonour in a "failed" marriage, etc. But I question the use of the word "failed". Is it a "failure" if two people sit down and actually reveal themselves openly and honestly and come to a mutual decision to part so that each person can find their true essence? I'd say that was not a failure.

 

very good point, though I'm at a loss for a more proper word to use than "failed." It doesn't mean that the people involved are failures, but that the relationship itself didn't live up to standards they set. In my thinking, the only "failure" would be is if someone refused out of selfishness to try to find out why their relationship wasn't successful because s/he was too busy pursuing other romantic interests or was so self-absorbed they didn't recognize what it did to the relationship.

[2sunny]

2sunny - right on!!!!

 

Totally agree. Authenticity is THE ONLY WAY TO GO.

 

When we come from a place of self-love and authenticity, refusing to lie or fake our relationships, only then will we attract our divinely intended partner.

 

So glad I figured that one out. It's made all the difference in my life.

 

me too! it has made all the difference in knowing what makes me happy/unhappy - and tends to attract people around me with like minded energy!

 

never settling again!

[Barrsitter]

Quan...I hear you about not having a better word other than "failure".

 

Lately I have been exploring this whole notion of "failure" and how the fear of "failure" keeps people from making better decisions and decisions that are more in line with who they really are.

 

I have begun to dispense with all judgment about people and their conduct because IMO judgment is a type of emotional prison. I think it's better to not judge our conduct, but be honest about what we do and say and why do and say what we do.

 

If we are going to live peaceful lives, we must understand who we really are, which in turn will lead us to make better choices and not ruin our lives or the lives of others.

 

Your thoughts?

[2sunny]

Quan...I hear you about not having a better word other than "failure".

 

Lately I have been exploring this whole notion of "failure" and how the fear of "failure" keeps people from making better decisions and decisions that are more in line with who they really are.

 

I have begun to dispense with all judgment about people and their conduct because IMO judgment is a type of emotional prison. I think it's better to not judge our conduct, but be honest about what we do and say and why do and say what we do.

 

If we are going to live peaceful lives, we must understand who we really are, which in turn will lead us to make better choices and not ruin our lives or the lives of others.

 

Your thoughts?

 

there is no failure if i learn from what happened - and what i'm willing or not willing to do to change things so they can be better.

 

peaceful this way - yep... but i had to find a solid boundary that worked for ME - and the ability to be honest with myself and others - so that i could convey an honest message in my actions AND my words.

 

i became willing to "see" what others weren't necessarily willing to say... in order to understand what they were saying or weren't saying with their words. body language can be extremely revealing...

[Turtles]

I guess a question is, how do you define dead? And just when is it bad enough to balance the hurt of leaving. Is it just a matter of not feeling the "winds of love" with that person?