Jessica232 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Just thinking about things tonight. My MM has had two D days, and his wife is aware we are still in contact. I've wondered how I would react if I was in that position. If you found out your spouse had cheated, would you reconcile, or would that be the end for you? Why do you think BS stay? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 The title of your thread implies that a BS has a choice in becoming a BS...they don't. Then you ask why one would stay. I would think that a BS stays for the same myriad of reasons an OW stays knowing the wife knows and the MM chooses not to divorce but to maintain the marriage and the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 That's a curious question too? Why does anyone stay on either side of the equation? The BS would stand to lose more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica232 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 The title of your thread implies that a BS has a choice in becoming a BS...they don't. Then you ask why one would stay. I would think that a BS stays for the same myriad of reasons an OW stays knowing the wife knows and the MM chooses not to divorce but to maintain the marriage and the affair. Yeah, I thought about that after I posted. I guess I meant after multiple D days. And, I do see the correlation (somewhat) between the BS and OW staying. My first instinct was to say there's no way I'd stay in the marriage, but then I realize I stayed after the first D day, and its similar. But, then I think more, and really it's not the same thing. Similar sure, but far from the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Yeah, I thought about that after I posted. I guess I meant after multiple D days. And, I do see the correlation (somewhat) between the BS and OW staying. My first instinct was to say there's no way I'd stay in the marriage, but then I realize I stayed after the first D day, and its similar. But, then I think more, and really it's not the same thing. Similar sure, but far from the same thing. I don't believe they are the same thing either. The BS is married legally to the person. Whether she is invested morally or in love...who knows. But no I don't perceive the affair is the same level. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Just thinking about things tonight. My MM has had two D days, and his wife is aware we are still in contact. I've wondered how I would react if I was in that position. If you found out your spouse had cheated, would you reconcile, or would that be the end for you? Why do you think BS stay? List the reasons YOU stay. It's possible many of those will apply. Plus it's harder to leave a marriage, due to the likely enmeshing of finances, social life, any children etc etc etc. My boyfriend's wife valued security and routine and familiarity over anything and tried to get him to return many times and would take him back even now. He used to value those things greatly too, i.e. above love, passion, respect. He stayed too, after she had had an affair with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Yeah, I thought about that after I posted. I guess I meant after multiple D days. And, I do see the correlation (somewhat) between the BS and OW staying. My first instinct was to say there's no way I'd stay in the marriage, but then I realize I stayed after the first D day, and its similar. But, then I think more, and really it's not the same thing. Similar sure, but far from the same thing. An OW has feelings involved based on an affair setting. Nothing has been tested, it's built on deception and on the expense of the BS. A BS has a whole life built with him, they have a history, kids, family entwined, inlaws, extended family, friends, neighbours etc., so to compare why an OW chooses to stay in the affair with her MM after a couple of D-Days to a BS who chooses to stay in the marriage really is apples and oranges. It's good you see the difference Jessica. I do agree, the BS has more to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Why do we stay, hmmmm..... Some of us start to plan to leave and gather our stuff together hoping to avoid a major blast-off and just keep things stable whlie we prepare. Some of us can't handle the walls falling down around us and attempt to stabilize the situation before handing in a final decision. Some of us threaten to leave and then MM talks us out of it with a thousand promises that things will be different. The same kind of promises he makes OW that things will be different. We question our self-worth. We don't know if we can handle being kicked down and alone at the same time. We wonder if we failed in such a bad way. The list goes on and on, and we often obsess over what we can do to make things better. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 With a boyfriend I can almost guarantee our relationship will end permanently upon the discovery of infidelity, with a husband I am more likely to at least attempt to salvage the relationship, or rather, I would be more willing to evaluate if there are steps we can take to work things out OR if it's a sign that we need to go our separate ways. With a boyfriend, I would honestly assume it is the latter more so than go through the hard work of rebuilding. I would like to be married once and for us to grow together and handle our relationship and individual issues in an honest and caring manner, no matter what. I do think certain relationships may be more susceptible to infidelity than others and I hope that my marriage is one that is less susceptible; however, should it occur, depending on the context (is he cheating with a friend/relative, under-aged girl, is he a serial cheater - all of which would be immediate, no-discussion termination), I'd be more apt to see if this is a wake up call that can eventually strengthen things or is it a sign to dissolve a poor union. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I valued my family, I want my child not to suffer. She loves her Dad and he loves her very much. I was also not about to let him have sole custody. Leaves a bit of a bind, no? We separated floors and we both are there for our daughter. Not many couples would do that though and no one should have to. I didn't let my child suffer to get my man, what a horrible assumption toward the BS as you aid in pulling apart her family brick by brick. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I did find out my exH was cheating- he actually got the OW pregnant... SHE called me and told me when she was really far along in her pregnancy. I put our house on the market immediately and left him. It wouldn't have mattered if she was pregnant or not, had I found out he cheated I would have left him without question immediately upon finding out. He wanted to make things work, reconcile... But my ego would never have survived such an emotional fiasco. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 If I didn't have a kid, I would have had no prob nexting him. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 You can say you know what YOU would do if it were you, but, until it happens, you don't really know. Before I married my current W, I told her cheating would be a deal breaker - that I would send her out the door the second I found out. I told her I wouldn't ask her any questions, I wouldn't talk to her about it - I'd just send her packing. Yeah, well, D-Day was over two and a half years ago, and she's still here. A big part of the problem is likely that you'd have to do a complete 180 on everything you've felt, everything your life has been. I loved her. I'd die for her. I'd do anything I could to take care of her, give her a good life, make her feel safe, comfortable, needed, cherished... but, somehow, in a single instant, I should somehow be able to put her out on the street without caring what happens to her? I thought I knew what I'd do... but I wasn't even close. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Some of us have been and never found out. I had a vagues suspicion along time ago that me late husband had an A. Never pursued the suspicion so I'll never know. It doesn't worry meat all although it would have 28 years ago. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I totally knew about my ex's obsession with another woman. I confronted him, confronted her, and offered to move out for awhile so they could have uninterrupted time together to decide what they wanted. They both assured me that it had stopped,etc. Well, it hadn't. I guess it was the illicitness of the whole thing that turned them on. I don't suppose I'll ever understand why, given the opportunity, they didn't give their relationship a real shot. Anyway, I just resented the whole situation. You know, I was never really jealous. I was just pissed off at the whole situation. So, who knows whether or not I could be a betrayed spouse again. Stranger things have happened. If I'm ever not the OW in the relationship I'm in, I guess we'll just have to delineate parameters for things, especially since I travel a lot. We've already realized that neither one of us ever wants to get married again, so that's not going to happen. We'll see. Best, Ellie Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Jessica, another thought. Two years ago I'd never have thought I'd be the OW... Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Jessica, another thought. Two years ago I'd never have thought I'd be the OW... Boy, me either. Life is full of suprises, eh? Ellie Link to post Share on other sites
JB93 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 out of curiosity, what is MM, or BS? sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 out of curiosity, what is MM, or BS? sorry. Married Man Betrayed Spouse Link to post Share on other sites
fascinated Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I think I could be forgiving because I understand how flawed people and relationships are. Fortunately, I don't think my H is wired that way. Link to post Share on other sites
geejayess Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Just thinking about things tonight. My MM has had two D days, and his wife is aware we are still in contact. I've wondered how I would react if I was in that position. If you found out your spouse had cheated, would you reconcile, or would that be the end for you? Why do you think BS stay? Hi Jessica. Unfortunately I have experience being the BS. I was with my exH for only two years (married 1) before he got caught cheating - I'd never seen him with another woman, but I know that he was communicating (at the VERY least) with one, and (she told me) he told her how he only married me because of our baby (who was 6mos old when we got married and NO ONE held a shotgun to him to make him do it- he actually asked me to marry him... go figure) Coming home late, lying about where he'd been. Yeah- he was cheating even if I didn't have "visual" proof. I didn't actually "stay," I think I made his life a holy hell until he had to leave. I got IC because I was feeling very low and couldn't understand why he would do it. I thought we were good, we were having sex regularly, we didn't have many fights (usu about finances...) Turns out it (his cheating) didn't really have anything to do with me and what I was or wasn't giving him (as some BS most likely think and are told by WS) He just wasn't ready to be married and in a monogamous relationship. Once I got myself together, and looked like I didn't care whether he lived or died, of course he wanted to come back- he loved me, he missed his family, he wanted to try again. I let him come back, and we both decided after 6 months that it wasn't working. He wasn't happy. I wasn't happy either, but I think I would have stayed if he hadn't said anything about it. So we ended it. I don't know why I think I would have stayed. There was a part of me that wanted to be in a marriage- all of my siblings were married; I was the only one at the holiday and birthday parties without a SO... I guess I jumped at the opp to get married. I had been a single parent for more than 6 years and I wanted companionship, I wanted love in my life. Maybe some BS have that desire- they don't want to be alone so they keep the appearance of the M, knowing it isn't what it should be, but unwilling to accept being alone. I think you can continue to get different answers from everyone with this discussion. I know I am glad I didn't draw my M out any longer than it was- I think I wouldn't like the person that I would have become had I stayed in the M knowing that he wasn't happy and he was cheating. As for staying (BECOMING!!) an OW- I don't know how that happened. But I'm working on being an xOW (fist in the air!) Link to post Share on other sites
fascinated Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 And LinD has a good point about the first time vs continued deception. I do think you would have to draw the line in order to respect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah, I thought about that after I posted. I guess I meant after multiple D days. And, I do see the correlation (somewhat) between the BS and OW staying. My first instinct was to say there's no way I'd stay in the marriage, but then I realize I stayed after the first D day, and its similar. But, then I think more, and really it's not the same thing. Similar sure, but far from the same thing. Why do OW stay when they know the MM isn't leaving? Why do OW stay when the MM minimizes the affair to the wife? Why do OW stay when the MM tells his wife he isn't having an affair? You can go around and around; but a marriage is totally different than an affair. Heck, OW stay OW when they know the MM goes home to the wife every night! The OW knows the MM is married, KNOWS he has a family and goes on vacation, etc with his wife and yet the OW still stays! What does that say? Why do you stay? Why do you continue to be the OW? I don't believe they are the same thing either. The BS is married legally to the person. Whether she is invested morally or in love...who knows. But no I don't perceive the affair is the same level. Ditto Link to post Share on other sites
y2k Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Would I ever be a BS??? Hell no. The moment she wants another guy is the moment I end the marriage and go find me another woman. I'm not a doormat and I have plenty of confidence that I can find another woman if I had to. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Would I ever be a BS??? Hell no. The moment she wants another guy is the moment I end the marriage and go find me another woman. I'm not a doormat and I have plenty of confidence that I can find another woman if I had to. How do you equate being a BS with being a coward? I was a BS for years before I found out. Being a coward had nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts