MM not coping that we ended our affair.

[sdc]

Will try to keep this short because I have dealt with many of the issues of having had an affair with a married man. The story is by and large the same as any other OW story. The upshot is that our 6 month affair ended 3 weeks ago, a mutual decision because it got to the stage where it can only be ALL or NOTHING and the "RIGHT" thing to do was for him to try to work on his marriage.

 

I am at the place where I believe that if we are meant to be ..then we will be in time. But I am not one to sit and dwell on mistakes in my life. Have tried to learn the lessons of how and why I got into it and what I got out of it and found a place in me to store” it” away that doesnt hurt nearly as bad anymore.

 

In the meantime, I will get back out there meet other people in the same way that I used to before I met him.

 

I maintained the no contact rule. To run backwards and forwards to eachother for a quick fix and to ease the ache and longing would belie the importance and the potential long term future of the relationship. Basically he has to decide whether in the long run he can live without us or not . and he can’t do that if we are in contact.

 

 

BUT yesterday, he phoned me twice!. He is now on anti-depressents , he says because of our breakup. He says he knows he has to try to give 100% to making his marriage work again. But claims that he simply does not love her. He does not find her physically attractive. He is totally miserable and going off sick from work because he is so confused and messed up!

 

 

He said he called because he just wanted to know I was Ok and not in the same crumpled heap that he is in. Not sure what he thought he could do about it If I had said yes I am!! So I think he called to get a “quick fix”. In a gentle way I told him that I wont allow myself to be “used” that way. That I had accepted his decision to try make his marriage work because that’s what he should do.

 

He also asked me to let him know in the future if I move or change my numbers so that IF it doesn’t work out with his wife he will come for me! I told him very clearly “ sod off to that!”…That I may be able to wait for a while to give him time to decide what he will do, but wont wait forever…a sort of time limited offer….This really shocked him!

 

I gave him the benefit of all advice I have read on loveshack about how he could go about patching things up with his wife!!!. I found that easy to do, because I love him dearly as a friend too and ..that’s the kind of thing I do for my friends!!

 

The irony being that we can talk so openly, deeply with compassion and empathy, which is a fantastic aspect for a relationship in anyones book!. And yet there he is, having to put all his energies into a marriage that he says he detached from on all levels a couple of years ago and never talked with her the way we can.. And he has to walk away from what we have!!!

 

He said its us he really wants, but he has to try to do the right thing. I am still committed to not contacting him..and that it HAS to be his choice.

 

So..What do you all reckon?!! Would like to hear from others who know or have some experience of what he’s going through. What are the chances of him ever being able to fall in love with his wife again whilst he still longs for what we have.?

[saintfrancis]

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I have been in a situation with my xMM where I would get sick enough of being the OW that I would break up, only to go back a few weeks or a month later. This happened two or three times over the past two years. Back in April we had another cycle of breaking up, then inching closer and closer and closer again until last week, when I told him (full of tears and anger) to leave me alone, to not try and have even a friendship with me because I was already starting to feel myself slipping again. I am not going to backslide again. Neither should you. The quick fix isn't worth it.

[sdc]

Thanks for the supportive reply Saint....

 

 

Have to say that I am suprised how strong I feel at the moment and feel really able to carry through the things I mentioned above. So it is so good to get your reply because it contains the warning and reminder that there may still be the possiblity that I will slip....just lately that hasnt occured to me that I might!...but I will remember what you have said and hopefully catch myself before it incidiously creeps up on me.

 

Out of interest and you dont have to reply to this question...but has your xMM ever come back on the times you did split up and say stuff like "mine" did? has he ever got depressed about it? Sorry if this is asking something you might have already explored or shared here before.

 

And I am only asking to get an idea how often this happens and if it is standard operating procedure for the xMM.

[saintfrancis]

Oh yes, mine would email or call, very upset about the breakups, very sad, confused, etc. I would get long, loving emails (which I would also get when things were going well between us, so this wasn't out of the ordinary). I believe those feelings were genuine. In fact, I truly believe that he loved/loves me as much as he says he does. It is not a question for me of wether he was lying about those feelings (however, I DID also hear from him that he and his wife haven't slept in the same bed for years, etc. -- those proclamations that seem to come "standard" from every married man and are therefore suspect). But, in the end, it's been over two years total - almost three years as a matter of fact. And the facts are: no separation has happened, no filing for divorce, no looking for another place to live even. Those are the facts, and now, at this point in time, he seems to want very much to ignore those facts and instead get angry at me for putting my foot down.

 

I honestly think that he senses something different this time around, and that is driving his weird behavior. I, like you, am now feeling very secure in my decisions. If my demanding my space means I end up never seeing him again, I am willing to accept that, whereas I wasn't before. I no longer want him in my life so much that I am willing to disregard my own needs, whereas I was before. He is upset with me for the WAY I broke it off. Ok, well, he has a point there, but I really believe that he is using that subconsciously as a smokescreen so that he doesn't have to look at the facts, and his role in bringing our relationship to the place it is at now.

 

I can't say that he avoids conflict, because he doesn't -- he is willing to talk things out. However, he DOES avoid taking ACTION to resolve those conflicts, and instead is content to live with the status quo until somebody's head explodes (usually mine!!) I find this one of his worst faults - not willing to take action. I have used up all my patience for that.

 

Hope I didn't "over-answer" your question!!

[sdc]

Over answering? far from it!... As far as Im concerned, and I mean this in the nicest possible way...you have far greater experience over a much longer period of time and by you being so open and honest and detailed in how it is for you two years or so down the line is such a lesson for people like me.

 

I really hope that you will remain determined too and not go back.

 

Let's all resolve to walk away and stay away when we feel like this so that we aren't the ones that end up on anti-depressents.....because that way lies even more problems and pain.

 

I did write a list of all the things I love (loved??!!) about him so that I will know why it seemed so special to me...so that I know what I'm looking for in the future!!

 

 

But added to the tope of the list ..........SINGLE!!!

 

All the best to you, you know you are doing the right thing too!

[Butterfly_Queen]

Hi, I think you are doing the right thing as well. I know its hard not to call or be with someone you care about, but that you have to because its the right thing to do. I was in a similar situation. Mine was not a pyhsical thing though, mine was an emotional affair. However, it was still an affair. An affair of the heart. It never got to the next level. It was cut short before it ever went there. It was a mutual thing to end it. We remained friends, but at a distance.

 

I had to cut all ties pretty much inorder for me to heal. There were days I found myself calling just to say hey. Or making up excuses just to go visit. After I would see or talk to him I felt miserable and longed to be with him even more. Then I said "I can't do this anymore". I had to stop calling the visits and everything. Now if theres any contcat at all, its to call and say please put so and so on the prayer list, or please go visit whoever in the hospital, you see, he was my preacher. What a mess that could have been.

 

I wish you the best of luck in all you do. I know this is hard and I share your pain. Somtimes I wished I had never meant him , then I wouldn't have been in that situation. I know its hard for anyone in a situation like this. Love to you all, we will all be ok.

[leilab]

SDC

 

You did a great job by ending your affair with MM - But you are asking yourself those agonizing questions that I have as well and that really keep us from healing and moving on. And I want to specifically address those questions (hopefully I will pay attention and listen to my own words of wisdom)

 

1. What are the chances of him ever being able to fall in love with his wife again whilst he still longs for what we have.?

 

Yes my friend - men are different from women. Men will be "in love" with the woman they are with - because love and intimacy to a man is ancillary - to a woman it is everything. I don't think men have the same understanding of what "in love" is as women. Relationships are not central to their existance, and they do not derive their self worth & self esteem by the quality of their relationships. Life for a woman without "love" is not to exist.

 

2. Will he come back when he realizes he only loves you??

 

The truth is MM only truly love himself. These relationships are about how you make him feel. Love means putting someone elses needs before your own. Ask yourself, in your relationship with MM, when was the last time that he asked you what you needed?

 

Both questions put the power in his court, not within yourself. You are assigning him the power to determine your fate. It also continues to have you question whether both of you will be together in the future, i.e. HOPE for reuniting.

 

Hope is a funny thing because it basically means you are giving up your own power to do something and relying on some mystical force to make your dreams happen. And living means taking steps towards your goals and dreams.

 

Just some food for thought. I am impressed with your resolve to end with MM.