Do I give him another chance??

[Nickee]

I will be with my fiancee for almost 3 years now, although the last year has been like an emotional roller coaster.

 

He is 29, I am 23. I finally left a month ago because he lied to me again. He is also obsessed with porn, which I cannot put up with no matter how hard I try. He is also terrible at communication. There has been many times in our relationship in which he will not compromise and instead of talking about things he will say "Get away from me" or when I cry "I have no sympathy for you, leave me alone". I left because things were not changing and he told me that I can do what I want, it's my decision to break up or come back to him.

 

For about 3 weeks, he did not try to contact me and in the meantime I met another guy who was interested in me. He is a very nice guy, although I don't think he is long-term boyfriend material, but a nice guy to hang out with. My fiancee is now calling me every day, promising to change, tells me how much he misses me and loves me, and he cries and wants me back, and admits that everything is his fault and that he took me for granted. He says he will stop looking at porn, and start communicating more, and willing to go to counseling. He says this has been a very good learning lesson for him, and that he loves me more than anything else in the world. Everyone tells me that he won't change and that I shouldn't go back, but a big part of me believes him.

 

He does have a lot of good qualities, his sensitive side, and very caring when he wants to be, and a very good person. But he does have his ups and downs (history of depression). I feel like I am juggling two guys, trying to figure out what I really want. But the real question is-can men change..especially with him being 29 years old? Any feedback is greatly appreciated!!!

[sinkerswim]

I would give him another shot..you have 3 years under you.

Give him another chance...if he keeps screwing up..sit him down and talk to him. If he doesnt then think of moving on.

 

I say this..because I want my fiance to give ME another shot after being with him for 8 years.

My only problem was is I was too controlling I guess. Thats what he told me when he said he needed space 3 months ago.

[Nkyann]

Well I guess I was controlling and "needy" by wanting him to stop looking at porn, and instead buy me a rose once in a while, or go on a date or something to show me that he cared. I guess I was just bitching too much that he just shut down. But if I don't go back, I will always wonder if he could have changed. But if I do go back, I know I will go back in the relationship always wondering what things are being done behind my back. My father even told me that if I marry him, he won't walk me down the aisle. But I guess thats my fault for sharing my problems.

[overseas2004]

The hardest thing for a person to do is change. Think about all your negative qualitites. how easy has it been for you to change them?

 

So having the answer to that question I guess I would say be very wary. Go back by all means. If you still love you should give him another chance.

 

But I also suggest that you should change. You should not be weepy but be firm and be a strong woman. See how he deals with the new you.

 

Good luck....

[Nkyann]

Thank you for your input! Yes, I know I should be firm. I have already told him that if I do come back it is only going to happen once and I will not hesitate to leave again. You see, I have left one time before (only for 3 days) and he claimed that things would be better and he wouldn't let me leave again. This is a longer period of time (over a month) that I have been gone. So I don't know whether to think this is another occurence or if this time, it really did teach him a lesson. I have been lied to one too many times and am afraid for it to happen again

[FreeMe]

I think he'll be on good behavior for awhile and then slip back into his true self. One thing I have learned as I've grown up and I look at as one of the greatest signs of my maturity: My parents really did know better than I. If I had listened to my mother about men and about other things, I would have been a much happier person. The things I did listen to her about, were some of the smartest things I ever did in my life. The moral of the story?? If your dad has that big of a problem with him, you should probably listen to him.

[Nkyann]

yes, and that's what my friends are telling me. That he'll change for a while and it won't last for long. But he sounds so convincing at the time, ya know?

My parents and friends tell me he had all the time in the world to make things better, but he took me for granted. I can't stand to hear him cry anymore..I feel so bad for people who are depressed and sad. But when I was depressed and sad during the relationship all he could say was "I'm getting sick of looking at your pouty face all of the time"....not very sympathetic. How can I get over something like that?

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Nkyann

But when I was depressed and sad during the relationship all he could say was "I'm getting sick of looking at your pouty face all of the time"....not very sympathetic. How can I get over something like that?

 

 

You're exactly right. If he can be that cold I think that says something about him. Guys like that are so good at being convincing when they're losing you. I fell for it with my last boyfriend about 7 times before I finally said no more. Believe me, I've made the mistakes and paid the price.

 

You're still so young and have so much time to find someone nice, who really loves you. I hope you don't settle for someone who already has so many negative points.

[Nkyann]

You know, it really helps me to hear that other people have gone through almost the same thing. I feel like I am trying to convince myself why I shouldn't go back. I will miss him greatly, and will miss all of the good parts of our relationship, all of our boating trips, skiing trips, etc. You see, it hasn't been all bad, but I don't want to settle and that's exactly what everyone tells me-that I deserve better. At the same time, I couldn't picture him being with another woman...it would hurt too much.

[CurlyIam]

Before reading my post, remember that everyone is intitled to make their own mistakes. If you are truly convinced that he'll change for you, by all means, go back to him.

 

My parents got married at 28, 29 years old. All my childhood my mom told me that it is impossible to change those around you. The margin of error being somewhere around 15% around her

 

I know very well the card your ex is playing: the guilt card. It's the only way he can make you came back to him. Just look at how much pain he's in, he wants to change for you a,d you are sooo cruel and don't want him anymore! THAT, my friend, is manipulation.

 

Go back to him because you feel he's worth the shot, because you choose to, not because he makes you to.

 

A not-long-term-material-boy seems just fine for where you are now. Be strong and make YOUR own choices!

[FreeMe]

Oh, have I been through it! I've made more mistakes than not.

 

I'm sure there were good points, but it's been bad enough to make you leave in the first place. I know how difficult it is, but there's nothing worse than being miserable in a relationship. Nothing makes you feel more alone and unsure of yourself. You don't need your self-esteem sucked out by this guy. It takes too long to get it back.

 

It's hard ending a relationship, but it's not healthy to go back because he's making you feel sorry for him either. He treated you that way - didn't care if you left and now whines that he'll change. Not very appealing.

 

It's fortunate that you have a supportive family and friends. Lean on them through this - they'd rather you do that, I'm sure, then go back into a relationship that is going to hurt you and make you miserable. Those are the people who TRULY love you.

[Nkyann]

Yes, and it has been very difficult. I have been gone for more than a month, and besides the confusion going on in my head, I actually feel a lot happier. I don't have to go home wondering what happened behind my back, if there are any magazines lying around the house, or if he took off somewhere with his buddies without letting me know.

 

It just sucks how you can go from being so happy with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him to being so miserable in a matter of months.

 

He also had a brother who killed himself (he blames himself every day because of it). and he goes through a depression every winter because of that. Even though I understand it's a horrible thing to live with, it brings me down in our relationship because of his feelings of blaming himself. It seems like the wintertime was when our problems got more severe. He couldn't help me feel better because he couldn't help himself. I don't want to be his life long counselor..he won't even communicate with me!

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Nkyann

I don't want to be his life long counselor..he won't even communicate with me!

 

You're really on the ball. Going through what he went through could definitely mess someone up, but you're right. If he won't communicate and just shuts you out, there is nothing you can do about it. It'll be like you beating your head against a wall. I did that too with my last boyfriend. He had emotional problems and instead of dealing with them productively, he made himself and me miserable. I blame myself for my own misery as I tolerated everything for too long.

 

You've got way too much going for you to settle for someone who has so many negatives. Hopefully for himself he will get some help and work through some things. But it's not within your power to fix him, nor is it your responsibility.

 

Hang in there!