Nkyann Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 I will be with my fiancee for almost 3 years now, although the last year has been like an emotional roller coaster. He is 29, I am 23. I finally left a month ago because he lied to me again. He is also obsessed with porn, which I cannot put up with no matter how hard I try. He is also terrible at communication. There has been many times in our relationship in which he will not compromise and instead of talking about things he will say "Get away from me" or when I cry "I have no sympathy for you, leave me alone". I left because things were not changing and he told me that I can do what I want, it's my decision to break up or come back to him. For about 3 weeks, he did not try to contact me and in the meantime I met another guy who was interested in me. He is a very nice guy, although I don't think he is long-term boyfriend material, but a nice guy to hang out with. My fiancee is now calling me every day, promising to change, tells me how much he misses me and loves me, and he cries and wants me back, and admits that everything is his fault and that he took me for granted. He says he will stop looking at porn, and start communicating more, and willing to go to counseling. He says this has been a very good learning lesson for him, and that he loves me more than anything else in the world. Everyone tells me that he won't change and that I shouldn't go back, but a big part of me believes him. He does have a lot of good qualities, his sensitive side, and very caring when he wants to be, and a very good person. But he does have his ups and downs (history of depression). I feel like I am juggling two guys, trying to figure out what I really want. But the real question is-can men change..especially with him being 29 years old? Any feedback is greatly appreciated!!! Link to post Share on other sites
scottskerik1973 Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 If you decide to reunite with your bf, you should probably go to counseling first. It sounds like he has issues to deal with as well as yourself. There is no reason a women should put up with this (therefor something inside is weak), and he should seek help. Im not saying porn is wrong but you used the word obsessed with it. This leads to huge problems for him and you. Go to counseling there he will learn to communicate and you'll both get some insight on yourself. GOOD LUCK. P.S. I treated my first wife almost the same way (thats why she divorced me) wish I could of went somewhere and learned to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 You can try the counceling but at the first signs of prior behavior, RUN don't walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nkyann Posted May 5, 2004 Author Share Posted May 5, 2004 I don't think porn is terrible either, but when a guy has to retreat to the other room when I am around in order to have his way with it, I tend to get a bit jealous, especially when I am so willing to be "his fix" anytime of the day. The reason why I have stayed so long is because things aren't always bad, not necessarily that I am weak. I feel that I am capable of moving on, but I just don't want to have to look back on things and say "I wonder if things could have been better" when it is already too late and he or I have moved on. He is a stubborn person..and I don't know if any woman can change that. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 I hate to say it, but if you had already been together for 3 years with no change, I just don't think it's likely. He'll promise you the moon right now because he wants you back. Once he has you, there's a very good chance his old behaviors will return. Nothing is certain, but I'd say it's very likely that he won't change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nkyann Posted May 5, 2004 Author Share Posted May 5, 2004 I wish I could foresee the future. Does anyone know of any men (or women) that were capable of change and things working out? I mean, I know that I have been with this guy for 3 years, but I will ruin my chances of ever anything happening with this new guy (who is a total sweetheart) Link to post Share on other sites
aazarkan Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 Change is very possible, as long as someone truly wants to do it. He has to want to change though. Despite the fact that negative people claim that no one can change, that just isn't true. He acted a certain way when you met him and changed to how he is now. So obviously change can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nkyann Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 Thank you all for your input! Well, my guy says that he wants to definitely change , and I wonder why we had to go through all this to have him to want to change. I also told him that if I did come back, his behaviors are only going to have to happen once, and I won't hesitate to leave again. But I realize by saying that, he might be more prone to lying to cover himself. I don't think I can win! Link to post Share on other sites
Twilite Man Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 My girlfriend had the same problem with her ex husband. Wouldn't talk to her, if she was crying he would not do anything but leave. I come along and when she was crying I would hold her, talk to her and be her friend. The only problem that I got was that I waited to long to finally commit to her and now she wants to see if it can work with her ex husband. Does people change? He hasn't since they were married 6 years ago and back then she still had the problem with him communicating, being caring etc. I am hoping that he wont change because I want her back in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 I can say first handed that change is possible, I have and continue to change in order to better myself. When I was left during the holidays, I tried to stop her by swearing I'd change. I wanted to change, ie: better communication, sharing feelings, having more fun together. I suggested going to see a therapist. Well she asked for the dreaded "space". I pushed and let my insecurities get the best of me and did nothing but piss her off even more. I am hoping to reunite with her, because I love her for the good qualities as well as the bad ones she has. It's been four months since I have heard from her, I know she is aware of how much I love her. The best way to make most men realize what their partner means to them is to make them go it alone for awhile. At least that is how I came to find out just how deep my love for her is. I guess a man is not suppose to get in touch with his feelings, but after she left I certainly did. I wish I had changed a few months prior to her deciding to leave, but life is complicating sometimes, not to make excuses for myself, but it is too easy to get comfortable in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nkyann Posted May 10, 2004 Author Share Posted May 10, 2004 sid-I understand what your trying to say. I just wonder why does it take this (letting your partner know you are unhappy and leaving) to let them know how you truly feel and how much you are worth. Of course my fiancee misses me..but why couldn't he show his true love and affection while I was around? This frustrates me to no end because I know that I can do better than him but at the same time he is everything I want in a man besides the no communication and the selfishness. I dont want to start over with anyone else. I'm very skeptical at this point, but there really is only one way to find out if this can work. I'm just worried that I'll be trapped one day if we get married and he reverts back into his old behaviors when it is too late. But he wants me to be "the one" and the mother of his children. I'm just very scared. I think I am going to see a psychic. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 I don't know that a psychic will have the answers for you. I think that a counselor would probably be the better choice: for the two of you and for each of you separately as well. I don't know why men do this: take you for granted and then get so sad afterwards when you finally break it off (I'm sure that some women may do this too). I know lots of women who go through this same thing. I'm going through it right now, but I've had enough after 3 1/2 years (2 1/2 years of promises that were never fulfilled). So, whatever you decide, good luck! There may be a possibility of change, but just be careful. As WiseOLDMan said, try the counseling, but at the first sign of prior behavior, RUN! Link to post Share on other sites
girl2be Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Nkyann, when you say that you can do better than him...you just answered your own question. 'he is everything I want in a man besides the no communication and the selfishness'...NO communication? How are you going to work through your problems if you don't communicate? You will be trapped if you do have children with him. For someone who is selfish, which means he only thinks about himself...do you think he would care about either you or the kids? I understand what you are going through, my ex is wanting me back and he says that he is willing to change. I am giving him a second chance because I do love him but I have told him that if it is starting to feel like we are not progressing than at least we know that it was not meant to be. Through the pain of him breaking it off with me, I have just started to find myself...that I was alot stronger and independent and I came to realize that I was okay alone. It shocked me when he started calling me and begging me to come back to him after only 2 months! So if this second chance doesn't work...its okay. Went through all the heartache and now I'm stronger than before! If he doesn't meet his promises...oh well! Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 I agree with the last post. I am encouraged to see that there are women out there that are willing to give their x another chance. There is a huge difference in willing to change and in wanting to change. Your right, without communication there is no chance. The lack of communication is what lead me to being single and hoping I'll have the opportunity to do things right the second time around. I wouldn't be dealing with the not knowing and the pain if I didn't truly believe I have seen the light, so to speak. It is true there are plenty of other dates out there, but to have hope and patience I believe are parts of love. I don't like the no contact rule much, but am hoping that fate is real. Nothing hurts as much as lost love, I guess cheating would, but I have never had that happen to me. If my x dates while we're seperated, I'll have to think hard about what that would mean as far as the desire to be with her. Perhaps I could but my pride aside and look past it. It's amazing, 4 months with no contact, feels like a year. Worst part is she is friends with my brother, makes it hard on my head. Can't ask him anything, why get him involved with this and have him get angry at me. I wonder if it's possible to fall out of love? Link to post Share on other sites
Twilite Man Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 I am lucky because her sister wants to see us together. See tells me what is happening in her life and informs me that its not working with her ex. Gives me hope and I can wait if there is hope. But only for a short time a month or so only. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Hope? I wonder if it is tearing me apart. I have decided to see a pyschiatrist this week to discuss hope. I will be sure to share his feed back on the subject. I'm not crazy, just what to have my old happy optimistic self back again. I let go, like the saying goes. God's true plan will be revealed, I hate that saying! Link to post Share on other sites
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