NC - It does get easier, right?

[worthmore]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post, but I've been reading for several days. I have just gone NC with a MM (on Thursday..but he contacted me to 'make sure I was ok' on Saturday evening) and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I figured this would happen, but I just want to hear from others who have BTDT so that I don't give in to temptation. I didn't know he was married when I fell for him, and when I found out I was already emotionally invested. It took a few weeks to cut ties, although I have already tried (and failed) several times. This time, I told him that if he really cares about me, he'll 'stick to the plan' and besides the slip-up on Saturday night, he has. Every other time, he would text, email, and IM until I eventually gave in. Anyway, I just need some tough love. Lay it on me.

[SteveS]

Short answer yes with a but. Long answer no with a however. NC i'm learning is a state of mind rather than a physical action / inaction - if you don't mentally get over this person, understand and accept why you shouldn't be together they will always have a special place in your heart which means slipping up might occur. Only once you don't want that person you'll able to sit across them in a restaurant and not submit to the urges as there won't be any. I read someone's story on here who works with their xMP and seems to have reached that step.

 

But NC is a good first step. Its a cliche but focus on yourself, do something fun, catch up with old friends you've ignored, realise life revolves around you not them.

 

What is irritating is once you ignore them the more keen they become. Its where I am now. But I really do believe if you can pass this step it can only be easier.

 

Take care and good luck.x

[Woman In Blue]

I didn't know he was married when I fell for him, and when I found out I was already emotionally invested. It took a few weeks to cut ties, although I have already tried (and failed) several times. This time, I told him that if he really cares about me, he'll 'stick to the plan' and besides the slip-up on Saturday night, he has. Every other time, he would text, email, and IM until I eventually gave in. Anyway, I just need some tough love. Lay it on me.

Let me get this straight - he LIED to you about his marital status and allowed you to become emotionally involved with him BEFORE you found out he was married?

 

Then after finding out what a complete lying scumbag he is, you're STILL having trouble dumping his worthless ass?

 

Here's how it is, WorthMore. The MOMENT he lied to you - then kept lying over and over again (by omission and NOT telling you he was married) - he was disrespecting you. Take off the rose-colored glasses and see it for what it IS - he was willfully conning you for his own selfish gain.

 

Hows it feel to be conned? Hows it feel to be swindled? How's it feel to be SO devalued by someone that they're willing lie to your face AND toy with your emotions, knowing FULL WELL you're going to be hurt and/or devastated in the end? You honestly think this is flattering? You honestly think some lying, cheating scummy married con man who fooled you actually loves you?

 

What he did was reprehensible and if you had a shred of self-respect, you'd be furious and demand to know WHO gave him the permission to treat you so disrespectfully.

 

By staying in touch with this loser and pining over him, your disrespecting YOURSELF.

[worthmore]

You're absolutely right. And when I found out he was married, I was disgusted. Nauseous. Had no intentions of ever speaking to him again. But, then I did. I know that I was disrespecting myself. And, I am here to make sure that doesn't happen again. I appreciate your blatant honesty. Honestly - I do. Thank you. I know that what he did was wrong, and believe me I shared my opinion with him.

[Alpha Q]

Whether it gets easier or not with time will depend on how invested you are or were and what you do to get over him. Some parents get over the loss of a child, with time. Others never do. Some widows get over the loss of their late spouse. Others never do. Some people get over lost love. Others never do. Besides not taking his calls, what are you actively doing to get over him?

[worthmore]

A few days have passed and NC has lapsed, unfortunately. I am in this weird place where I really really don't want him to contact me, but I keep checking my phone to see if he has... I know in my head that this is a waste of time. And Alpha Q, in the time since NC (ha!) was initiated, I have started up work again and registered for a full load of classes...so I don't have time to turn around, much less date (or participate in this effed up bull-ess).

 

I am alternating between angry and sad. He took advantage of me. But, by the time he told me the truth, it was too late. And, I am mad that he did that to me. But, it doesn't lessen how I feel about him. I just need to pretend he is dead.

 

Arrrrrgggghhhh!!! I know what I need to do (block his number, block his IM's, etc.) but I have not found the strength to do so yet.

[Circular]

I found that over time it gets easier, it gets a lot easier. But, maybe it's best said it gets easier to remain NC, you have a better perspective of things, a better control over what you feel and what you do about what you feel.

 

Myself, I've been in this odd mix of NC/LC for about 16 months, I find I see things more clearly now, her behaviors, my behaviors, etc... I see things I didn't see before. I also have much greater restraint in making sure I don't initiate conversation.

 

Probably the harder part is the grieving and letting go completely, we have social circles that overlap sometimes, mutual friends, etc... these things create reminders, spark memories, etc... I find even 16 mo. out that it can really mess with my head sometimes, but it passes much more quickly and I usually get my feet back on the ground by remembering why it wasn't a good thing and still isn't.

[sleepessinoh]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post, but I've been reading for several days. I have just gone NC with a MM (on Thursday..but he contacted me to 'make sure I was ok' on Saturday evening) and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I figured this would happen, but I just want to hear from others who have BTDT so that I don't give in to temptation. I didn't know he was married when I fell for him, and when I found out I was already emotionally invested. It took a few weeks to cut ties, although I have already tried (and failed) several times. This time, I told him that if he really cares about me, he'll 'stick to the plan' and besides the slip-up on Saturday night, he has. Every other time, he would text, email, and IM until I eventually gave in. Anyway, I just need some tough love. Lay it on me.

 

I am on my 3rd week since we said goodbye and 10th dayof NC and I feel better than I did at day 1 that is for sure. Someone posted it is more of a mental thing than a physical thing and I cant agree more. For me, I didnt start feeling better until I actually made the decision that I was done with the A. I changed my frame of mind to say ok...who was I before this (I lost myself during it) and get that girl back. Once I started doing some soul searching for me, it got easier for me. I spent alot of time thinking about him today...he keep making himself "avail" to me. But I still feel great cause I lived MY life and wasnt living my life waiting for that window of opportunity to open up to be able to talk to him. I would not feel that way if I were to allow him to keep checking on me like he was doing before.

 

I listen to Kelly Clarksons "Already Gone" everyday. It reminds me that this was never meant to be and it oddly gives me peace.

 

Good luck to you

[visualbasicide]

NC is totally worth it and it does get easier. Also stay away from things that trigger thoughts about them (songs, photos, special places, etc.)

 

It isn't an instant transition and takes time but it's for the best.

[wannabdone]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post, but I've been reading for several days. I have just gone NC with a MM (on Thursday..but he contacted me to 'make sure I was ok' on Saturday evening) and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I figured this would happen, but I just want to hear from others who have BTDT so that I don't give in to temptation. I didn't know he was married when I fell for him, and when I found out I was already emotionally invested. It took a few weeks to cut ties, although I have already tried (and failed) several times. time, I told him that if he really cares about me, he'll 'stick to the plan' and besides the slip-up on Saturday night, he has. Every other time, he would text, email, and IM until I eventually gave in. Anyway, I just need some tough love. Lay it on me.[/This QUOTE]

 

 

Hi WM....

 

It gets easier, and then you have moments that is is hard. However, one thing i need to point out. DO NOT worry about telling him to stick to the plan, worry about you sticking to the plan. It is up to you, because he will keep coming back.

And if he really cared about you, he wouldn't have lied to you about being married, so I can not imagine he cares about you enough to help you out now.

 

I am sorry. I'm sorry your hurting. Stay strong. And keep posting.

[mzdolphin]

it has been a week for me with NC. This is second time I've gone NC. First was three years ago, that lasted a year. Let my guard down.

 

He emailed that his brother died. That began email exchanges and then phone calls, etc. In short, it is best to go NC.

 

And do it with gusto, blocking emails, deleting phone numbers. If you are serious about NC and he violates this you must treat him like a stalker. Threaten to tell his wife. Only do this if you are serious. Because at this point you are trying to take your life back. Why should he be allowed to disrupt your sanity without consequences.

 

Tell him if he contacts you again you will call his wife and tell her you have asked him to leave you alone and he won't.

[Seraph1]

 

I am alternating between angry and sad. He took advantage of me. But, by the time he told me the truth, it was too late. And, I am mad that he did that to me. But, it doesn't lessen how I feel about him. I just need to pretend he is dead.

 

 

I was in the same boat as you 8-9 months ago. I believed that he was single, his friends and work colleagues believed he was single. He wasn't. He had a wife living overseas. I was suckered in for 10 months until a friend/exbf who didn't know we were dating but was doing the MM tax/finances mentioned spousal offsets at a party. Wow. Suckerpunch to the heart.

 

I did leave and for about a week there were tearful texts, emails etc. but then I went strict NC and blocked EVERYTHING. For months I struggled with knowing that we worked in the same building and could run into each other. I changed my habits, my look, my activities...and suffered through NC.

 

Yes, the pain is incrediable. Not knowing and having all these wonderful plans, hopes and dreams for a future together and then realising it was a lie...and still not being able to realise how badly you were lied to. Not able to accept how long you were decieved by the man that you loved and who loved you.

 

The confusion is extreme and while your head it telling you that this man is a liar, a cheat and no good... you remember the relationship you thought you had and the man that you thought he was. It just doesn't make sense does it? That's part of the pain; not knowing what was real or if any of it was when it FELT/WAS so real at the time.

 

It's betrayal because we never saw it coming and now we are somehow part of this horrible web of lies, cheating and socially frowned upon behaviour...and WE DIDN'T VOLUNTEER OR HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT IT! But we get the joy of living with the consequences.

 

We get the heartbreak, we get the hurt, the betrayal, the knowledge that suddenly the relationship we had with them NEVER had a real chance at having a future. That the great 'love of our lives' somehow only saw us as a bit of fun and NOT worth a commitment despite what they were telling us.

 

It's a pain where we have been betrayed but we have no option of 'working things out' or attempting 'reconciliation to save the relationship'... why? Because we had no real place in their lives. We were the disposable ones and our only choice is to accept the sudden change in the relationship which is to stay knowing that it will end and that we are never going to be good enough for them to want to have a full-time commitment to...or to walk away with what little dignity we have.

 

You made the right choice no matter how hard it is to believe now. The pain, sadness and rage will take a while to leave and it will be hard to come to terms with the situation. Work through the emotions and don't try to hold onto more blame than you should. He lied. Not you. You did the right thing when you knew. Take pride in that and the fact that he always knew you had standards...otherwise he would not have lied to you in the first place.

 

Take care. It does get better although you have to walk through fire at first.

[mzdolphin]

It's a pain where we have been betrayed but we have no option of 'working things out' or attempting 'reconciliation to save the relationship'... why? Because we had no real place in their lives. We were the disposable ones and our only choice is to accept the sudden change in the relationship which is to stay knowing that it will end and that we are never going to be good enough for them to want to have a full-time commitment to...or to walk away with what little dignity we have.

 

You made the right choice no matter how hard it is to believe now. The pain, sadness and rage will take a while to leave and it will be hard to come to terms with the situation. Work through the emotions and don't try to hold onto more blame than you should. He lied. Not you. You did the right thing when you knew. Take pride in that and the fact that he always knew you had standards...otherwise he would not have lied to you in the first place. ----------------------------------------------------

I was in a similar situation, where guy lied about marital status. However, this does not mean you or I are not good enough. Everybody has to tackle NC at their own pace. For me it helped to focus on me and realize that I deserved better than a liar and cheat. Turning him into a villain didn't help. Because of course I remember the guy buying things for my son, checking on me all the time, encouraging me with my work. What I had to focus on was why staying in contact with him was not good for me. His feelings could not be my concern. I needed to remind myself that NC is not a punishment, it's a celebration of my strength to recognize an unhealthy situation and walk away.

[worthmore]

Thanks everybody for your responses.

 

He is such an a-hole for doing this to me. When I found out that he was married, he kept telling me that he was in a bad place. I thanked him for dragging me down there with him (sarcastically, of course). When he messaged me last Thursday, I asked him why. He said he saw me online and forgot that we were NC and wanted to check on me (bull - this guy has a memory like a steel trap. That brain is what attracted me in the first place - ugh). I told him, "Yup, and whatever MM wants, MM gets" His response: "ouch" And, it made me feel bad! Ridiculous!

 

Then, I made the mistake last weekend of telling him that I wasn't ready to say goodbye forever. He has taken that as an open door for communicating. So, I just have to re-initiate NC. He is far too weak and selfish to do it even though he has admitted that continuing to talk to me is not fair to me or his wife. We have not seen each other in person again...only texting, phone calls, and instant messaging. And, not a lot either. But more than nothing...so too much.

 

And, regarding the 'not ready to say goodbye forever' - I guess when I originally went NC, I was holding on to hope that eventually he would come calling...ya know, when he gets divorced. Reading threads on here has made me realize that is never going to happen. Which brought about a new wave of sadness. I was holding on to hope in a hopeless situation.

 

I hope that karma really is a bitch.

[wannabdone]

Thanks everybody for your responses.

 

He is such an a-hole for doing this to me. When I found out that he was married, he kept telling me that he was in a bad place. I thanked him for dragging me down there with him (sarcastically, of course). When he messaged me last Thursday, I asked him why. He said he saw me online and forgot that we were NC and wanted to check on me (bull - this guy has a memory like a steel trap. That brain is what attracted me in the first place - ugh). I told him, "Yup, and whatever MM wants, MM gets" His response: "ouch" And, it made me feel bad! Ridiculous!

 

Then, I made the mistake last weekend of telling him that I wasn't ready to say goodbye forever. He has taken that as an open door for communicating. So, I just have to re-initiate NC. He is far too weak and selfish to do it even though he has admitted that continuing to talk to me is not fair to me or his wife. We have not seen each other in person again...only texting, phone calls, and instant messaging. And, not a lot either. But more than nothing...so too much.

 

And, regarding the 'not ready to say goodbye forever' - I guess when I originally went NC, I was holding on to hope that eventually he would come calling...ya know, when he gets divorced. Reading threads on here has made me realize that is never going to happen. Which brought about a new wave of sadness. I was holding on to hope in a hopeless situation.

 

I hope that karma really is a bitch.

 

 

You fell off the horse....we all do it. Its not how many times you fall of the horse...its if you get back on and ride....and finish the race.

 

You will finish this race!!!!!

 

And girl.... I'm hoping Karma is too.

[fooled once]

Worthmore,

 

So how long are you going to hold out "hope"? By continuing to text/IM/email/call, you are keeping the door open...for the affair to continue. Or are you believing that if you STOP all contact, he will 'forget' that you love him so you have to stay in touch so he doesn't forget? Yes, some people do say that!

 

So, how long are you going to allow him to stay in your life? How much longer before you two are right back to where you were...him having sex with you and him going home to his wife afterwards?

[worthmore]

So, I ended up re-instituting NC on 9/11. He had tried to contact me the evening of 9/10 and I ignored all attempts. Morning of 9/11 I did answer him, but only to tell him that I could not disrespect myself anymore and didn't want any more contact with him. I told him that I hadn't really thought it through at first - I didn't really accept that it was FOREVER when I first started NC. And that realization was shocking and upsetting.

 

At first, I thought that I would eventually hear from him (ya know, when he decided to leave his wife)...but then reality set in and I was overcome with sadness all over again. So, I left the lines of communication open until I could come to terms with it. Anyway...

 

I miss him like crazy...or rather I miss who he presented himself to be? I know it is all smoke and mirrors. I sometimes catch myself thinking that he is different than other cheaters....but, then I give it some more thought and acknowledge that it isn't.

 

Ugh - it is uber annoying that affairs seem to be harder to get over than regular relationships. Honestly, I've only "known" him since June and we met in person in August...so what kind of time have I really invested. In the grand scheme of things...nothing. It was WAY easier to get over my marriage/divorce (both of which occurred long before this A).

 

Anyway, the reason I started this post is because he tried to contact me on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and I ignored all attempts again. But, it reopened all of the wounds and the hurt. I keep flip-flopping between "how dare he" and "I miss him". Ugh.

 

Not really asking for anything here but somebody to listen...

[worthmore]

I am resurrecting this thread to update my story. I have maintained NC - but he won't stop contacting me. I blocked his phone number, his emails, his texts, his facebook, etc. Blocked...not just ignoring them. I.e., he cannot call or text me from his phone, cannot contact me on facebook or see my profile (we were never friends on there, but that was how he tried to contact me a week and a half ago), blocked him on gmail so he cannot see me at all. We don't live anywhere near each other so there is no chance of running into him.

 

But, he has been contacting me without fail every week. This week he texted my phone from an email address that I wasn't even aware of, added me on google plus (which I did not accept), and emailed from his work email address. I am not responding. Why is he not getting the message that I don't want to hear from him? I told him that we can't be friends. I just want to move on and forget him!

[wannabdone]

I am resurrecting this thread to update my story. I have maintained NC - but he won't stop contacting me. I blocked his phone number, his emails, his texts, his facebook, etc. Blocked...not just ignoring them. I.e., he cannot call or text me from his phone, cannot contact me on facebook or see my profile (we were never friends on there, but that was how he tried to contact me a week and a half ago), blocked him on gmail so he cannot see me at all. We don't live anywhere near each other so there is no chance of running into him.

 

But, he has been contacting me without fail every week. This week he texted my phone from an email address that I wasn't even aware of, added me on google plus (which I did not accept), and emailed from his work email address. I am not responding. Why is he not getting the message that I don't want to hear from him? I told him that we can't be friends. I just want to move on and forget him!

 

 

First off....GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

Why does he not get it??? Cuz he is a pompus ass that thinks he can get his way. IF this isn't good for you.....then stay away.

 

I'm soooooo proud of you!!!! Way to take your life back!!!!

[Owl]

I'd say that if this gets to be too much...start forwarding those calls/texts/emails to his wife.

 

You've done the right things...he's the one who is being a jerk here. If it keeps up, he may need to suffer a consequence in order to learn from his stupidity.

[Yianks]

I am not an advocate of OM/OW telling the BS about the A........but in this case.......well.....its so tempting!

[worthmore]

I think that it is really ironic that he has so much trust in me not to expose his behavior to his wife. I agree that it is tempting. And, believe me, I feel terrible for her. But, what xMM and I had lasted less time than he has been 'stalking' me. We met up four times in August, did not have sex (for the record), and he still won't leave me alone. Fortunately, he lives an hour away or I would expect that he would turn up on my doorstep next. ugh

 

Hey - wannabdone, how have you been? I haven't seen you on here (because I can't seem to stop lurking/reading as I get over this crazy whatever-it-was).

[worthmore]

Well, just stopped in to report that the xMM has gone off the deep end and I had to contact the police for advice on how to get him to stop contacting me.

 

So, for me, yes...NC has gotten a lot easier. I want absolutely nothing to do with this lunatic and hope that I never hear from him again. Because, I will be filing harassment or stalking charges against him if I do.

 

And before anybody who doesn't know my story decides to comment and say I brought this on myself, just know that you're wrong as I had no idea he was married until we were well into the A. I know how much some of you like to kick somebody when they're down.