Porn affiar or did I majorly overreact?

[hmmmreally]

After searching many sites I found this one and I'm hoping to get some insight. My husband and I have been married 14 years. We've had ups and downs but we have a very strong marriage.

 

Over the past couple of months our sex life has gone downhill. My husband didn't have the sex drive he had previously always had. At first I didn't think much of it. I made advances on many occasions and he turned me down or pushed me away. I asked him multiple times to talk about it and told him I didn't like it. We chalked it up to new medication though. He was taking some new meds to help with his weight due to some health problems he was having. I researched it and found sexual side effects, including impotency.

O.K. I understand. We were averaging sex about once every two weeks.

 

I also began to sense he was pulling away. He seemed down and just really blah when he got home everyday. We finally had a conversation last week and he explained it wasn't me that he was just in a 'rut'. He wasn't sure why but he wasn't really feeling motivated. He hadn't read a book in a long time and even though he was passed over for a recent promotion because he didn't have a degree he wasn't motivated to return to school and get the degree. He had also began taking Wellbutrin to help him quit smoking. This is also an antidepressant so I thought lack of motivation shouldn't really be plaguing him now, but took the pass over for the promotion into account.

 

Fast foward to Saturday and I pick up his phone. I look at the history and found that he had many pages of porn on his history! Mind you I have no problem with porn. I watch it every now and again, we've watched it together, I knew he watched it alone at times, never had a problem. The problem came because he wasn't able to perform with me anymore yet he was able to perform on his own.

 

I did NOT take it well. I had a major reaction, stormed out of the house and basically acted like an idiot. Looking back I should have calmly confronted him and talked with him about it. I guess I got so upset because I had been talking about it for over a month and then I found this. Of course my reaction caused him to overreact, break his phone, and everything just went haywire for the weekend.

 

He told me he was sorry. It really wasn't me at all that he really didn't mean it that way. He said that he was able to hold him for 5 minutes and be done by looking at the phone but to actually have sex there was much more involved. He said we are still doing it once every 2 weeks which is pretty good. Well not for us it isn't!!! I told him it felt to me as if he was having an 'affair' with these women online. Basically he couldn't get aroused enough by me but he could by others. He says it is in no way an 'affair'. He said had I not have reacted so badly and came to him with it then he really wouldn't have had anything to do but apologize, but my reaction made him question what kind of woman was he married to to react like a teenager (and I DID). He especially didn't understand because I'm not a woman to have a problem with porn. I like it too. I know he likes it and exactly what he watches, etc. so not telling me every time he used it was not that uncommon and had been part of our marriage for 14 years. My problem was yes all that is true, but never before has it affected me! Never before have I been neglected, and pointed out that sexual neglect, only to find out he was still getting his fulfillment, just not with me.

 

Like I said he broke his phone and told me not to file insurance, at least not yet. He is also quitting the weight med. because he hasn't really seen any weight loss from it and it seems to be causing many other problems.

 

My question. Could it be the meds and he really can't get fully in the mood for sex yet can still be able to enjoy porn? It wasn't everyday, once to at the most twice per week. How do I make up for my major overreaction or did I have reason to overreact? I do not feel he has a 'porn addiction' but I just don't feel good about the whole thing.

 

Opinions and suggestions greatly appreciated!

[2011aug]

Get off those medication -- they dont seem to be helping? Try going to the gym, do some weights, go jogging. And why dont you go with him?

 

It'll build up his health and sex drive.

 

Talk to your doctor first to make sure he's okay with exercise.

[Turtles]

First of all, you are a woman - you're entitled to overreact. So don't sweat that part uh I think it's an incredibly frustrating situation for you and IMHO you did the right thing to make sure it was taken seriously. I am married to a red head though so "breaking the phone" seems rather tame to me LOL. I just had to replace 2 PCs and a laptop, don't ask why.

 

Second, yes, it's possible to not have the drive for actual intercourse, then porn is an easy way to get the release. The problem is it's laziness and like most lazy acts it feeds a vicious circle. I don't really care if you call it addiction or not. It irritates me when that word is thrown willy nilly so a guy can't have a beer in the evening without being called an alcoholic. But the bottom line is, is it impacting your life - YES - then he needs to quit it. It's not hard once he can understands the effect it has on his libido.

 

Also, you mentioned he just quit smoking, some people have a hard time with that. I compensated with exercise and felt a million times better. I wouldn't imagine going back to it even on my worst days. My wife sank in a deep depression and eventually started again.

 

Oh. Advice. Quit the meds, eat healthy, start working out? I know it's cheesy but, it really does work!

[KathyM]

After searching many sites I found this one and I'm hoping to get some insight. My husband and I have been married 14 years. We've had ups and downs but we have a very strong marriage.

 

Over the past couple of months our sex life has gone downhill. My husband didn't have the sex drive he had previously always had. At first I didn't think much of it. I made advances on many occasions and he turned me down or pushed me away. I asked him multiple times to talk about it and told him I didn't like it. We chalked it up to new medication though. He was taking some new meds to help with his weight due to some health problems he was having. I researched it and found sexual side effects, including impotency.

O.K. I understand. We were averaging sex about once every two weeks.

 

I also began to sense he was pulling away. He seemed down and just really blah when he got home everyday. We finally had a conversation last week and he explained it wasn't me that he was just in a 'rut'. He wasn't sure why but he wasn't really feeling motivated. He hadn't read a book in a long time and even though he was passed over for a recent promotion because he didn't have a degree he wasn't motivated to return to school and get the degree. He had also began taking Wellbutrin to help him quit smoking. This is also an antidepressant so I thought lack of motivation shouldn't really be plaguing him now, but took the pass over for the promotion into account.

 

Fast foward to Saturday and I pick up his phone. I look at the history and found that he had many pages of porn on his history! Mind you I have no problem with porn. I watch it every now and again, we've watched it together, I knew he watched it alone at times, never had a problem. The problem came because he wasn't able to perform with me anymore yet he was able to perform on his own.

 

I did NOT take it well. I had a major reaction, stormed out of the house and basically acted like an idiot. Looking back I should have calmly confronted him and talked with him about it. I guess I got so upset because I had been talking about it for over a month and then I found this. Of course my reaction caused him to overreact, break his phone, and everything just went haywire for the weekend.

 

He told me he was sorry. It really wasn't me at all that he really didn't mean it that way. He said that he was able to hold him for 5 minutes and be done by looking at the phone but to actually have sex there was much more involved. He said we are still doing it once every 2 weeks which is pretty good. Well not for us it isn't!!! I told him it felt to me as if he was having an 'affair' with these women online. Basically he couldn't get aroused enough by me but he could by others. He says it is in no way an 'affair'. He said had I not have reacted so badly and came to him with it then he really wouldn't have had anything to do but apologize, but my reaction made him question what kind of woman was he married to to react like a teenager (and I DID). He especially didn't understand because I'm not a woman to have a problem with porn. I like it too. I know he likes it and exactly what he watches, etc. so not telling me every time he used it was not that uncommon and had been part of our marriage for 14 years. My problem was yes all that is true, but never before has it affected me! Never before have I been neglected, and pointed out that sexual neglect, only to find out he was still getting his fulfillment, just not with me.

 

Like I said he broke his phone and told me not to file insurance, at least not yet. He is also quitting the weight med. because he hasn't really seen any weight loss from it and it seems to be causing many other problems.

 

My question. Could it be the meds and he really can't get fully in the mood for sex yet can still be able to enjoy porn? It wasn't everyday, once to at the most twice per week. How do I make up for my major overreaction or did I have reason to overreact? I do not feel he has a 'porn addiction' but I just don't feel good about the whole thing.

 

Opinions and suggestions greatly appreciated!

I can understand your being upset. You're being denied sex, while he's getting it from porn. It's probably the combination of medication and porn that is messing up his sex life. Tell him you want to help him work through this and get back to a normal sex life with him. In order to do this, you're going to have to get him to agree to stop watching the porn. As long as he is associating that with sexual release, that is what he is going to be stimulated by--not by you. People don't realize how addictive internet porn is, and how it can damage your interest in the real thing. I've read alot about the subject for an assignment I was doing in one of my classes. It is addictive, and it can reduce a guy's interest in real sex. If he's not able to give it up, you may want to consult with a therapist so he can get help for this addiction.

[knitwit]

He had also began taking Wellbutrin to help him quit smoking. This is also an antidepressant so I thought lack of motivation shouldn't really be plaguing him now, but took the pass over for the promotion into account.

 

I don't think its a common reaction, but I took Wellbutrin many years ago to quit smoking and it made me feel numb- almost depressed. I did cry a lot while on it, usually because the entire time leading up to the quit date I didn't feel like I didn't want to smoke. I was convinced that the medication wasn't working. Thankfully, it did work, so it was worth it! But I wouldn't write off the medication messing with his motivation/emotional wellbeing.

 

It sounds like this is a down period but the two of you are strong and want to work through it. I would just apologize for losing your calm so that you're cleaning up your side of the street. Give him some admiration, too, because he is trying to lose weight, quit smoking- these are great things that are hard to do! You two can work through them together.

[dawgfan]

Sorry you're dealing with this. You may be feeling like you overreacted, but you're definitely right to be taking it seriously.

 

Actually, depression/medication and porn can both seriously affect a guy's sex drive. (Check out this article for info on that.) You said you're OK with your husband using porn, but really this can interfere with intimacy between spouses, especially if an addiction has developed. There's actually something called "sexual aversion" that happens when a person takes care of his sexual needs through fantasy and loses interest in sex with their partner.

 

I hope you can talk openly with your husband about this and get things worked out. Let us know how you're doing, OK?

[Woman In Blue]

If he's not able to give it up, you may want to consult with a therapist so he can get help for this addiction.

Oh jeez. There goes the "addiction" word thrown around here yet AGAIN anytime a man looks at porn.

 

I think what some folks aren't seeing is that your husband does seem to desire sex - he just ISN'T PHYSICALLY CAPABLE of maintaining an erection for a full-blown sex session with you, OP. It's much quicker to get off to porn than it is to have to 'perform' with you. He also doesn't have to have a full erection in order to climax, and to him, that's all he's apparently able to do at the moment. He could have a lowered testosterone level or simply need Viagara. You'd be amazed at how many men at the age of 40+ need it. But they're too embarrassed to admit it.

 

Maybe you could ask the doc for a sample?

[linwood]

Yes, you over-reacted, yes it's understandable why you did.

 

Sincerely appologise for the over-reaction, swear that in the future you will at least approach him civilly when this stuff happens.

 

After that sit down and speak with him about it.

 

Have a bit of empathy when you do because it sounds like he is having impotency problems and that to me takes precedent over whatever caused you to over-react.

 

His point that it's no pressure and just a 5 minute pop with the porn rings true for a guy suffering some impotency problems.

 

Dump the meds.

Edited August 29, 2011 by linwood

[StoneCold]

He needs to get off the meds and hit the gym...HARD...weights AND cardio..5 days a week minimum to start.

[gardengal]

Sounds like a trip to the doc is in order. Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant, but one known for NOT causing sexual side effects. Maybe his other meds are contributing to the problem, but either way, the doc needs to know that this problem is going on.

Mostly because your H sounds depressed. He's withdrawing from you, and if he thinks he "needs" that crazy-high level of stimulation that porn provides to feel pleasure, or is too lazy to involve you, something is wrong. Note that I mean with HIM, not you! Eventually he will miss the intimacy of actual sex even if he can't identify that as the issue right away. You are justifiably upset!

But here's another thing: since you say that you like porn, and he's over-indulging at the moment, would it be out of line to suggest to him that you only watch it together?

[KathyM]

Oh jeez. There goes the "addiction" word thrown around here yet AGAIN anytime a man looks at porn.

 

I think what some folks aren't seeing is that your husband does seem to desire sex - he just ISN'T PHYSICALLY CAPABLE of maintaining an erection for a full-blown sex session with you, OP. It's much quicker to get off to porn than it is to have to 'perform' with you. He also doesn't have to have a full erection in order to climax, and to him, that's all he's apparently able to do at the moment. He could have a lowered testosterone level or simply need Viagara. You'd be amazed at how many men at the age of 40+ need it. But they're too embarrassed to admit it.

 

Maybe you could ask the doc for a sample?

Nope, his addiction to porn is what is screwing up his sex life with the wife. And possibly the medication he's taking. Taking Viagra or some other medication to achieve an erection should not be done unless these other things are resolved. Viagra and the like have side effects, and should not be used unless absolutely necessary, after other remedies have been tried.

[xxoo]

I think your overreaction makes sense (you were hurt and confused), and his explanation also makes sense.

 

Look at the positives--it is GREAT that he was able to openly communicate the reason he used the porn those times instead of coming to you.

 

Keep that communication open. There is still the problem of you feeling sexually neglected while he is using porn. Previous times you've each used it, no one has felt sexually neglected, so this is a new dynamic in porn use. Try to communicate that to him (I do think it is unfair that he judged you so harshly for your overreaction. That seemed to be sweeping your feelings aside.)

 

I think this "missing piece" here is his comfort exploring with you, sexually, without an ideal erection. There are so many ways you can sexually connect, explore, and please each other without sexual intercourse. If he is having sexual urges, you'd like to be part of the action somehow, even if it won't be the full monty.

[hmmmreally]

Thank you all so very much for the advice, suggestions and support.

 

As I stated in the first post I do not believe he has an 'addiction'. Yes it is affecting our sex life but if it weren't for the meds. I don't believe it would be. At first my emotions got the best of me I believe.

 

I agree exercise would be the very best way to go. He's tried over the years but with his work schedule it's very hard to maintain.

 

After really reflecting on the situation I believe part of the problem is how our feelings of pleasing each other is a big part of it. My husband gets fulfillment out of making sure I'm satisfied. He is amazing when it comes to foreplay and focusing on my needs. I'm the same way though. I can have an amazing time but if he falls short I feel bad afterward. That rarely happens but there have been a few nights over the years when he had been drinking that he couldn't finish. He would tell me he had a great time and not to feel bad because he was more focused on me. It still made me feel bad though. So I belove if he is having some issues then he worries how it may affect me when he can't climax.

 

He has quite taking the weight loss med. I don't believe the Wellbutrin played a part because when he quit smoking years ago he used it with no probe, Too bad after over 6 years he picked the smoking habit back up.

 

I know I had a reason to react but looking back I really wish I had have handled it differently. I let a knee jerk reaction take control over me instead of rationally discussing things and I'm not proud of that.

 

I will keep everyone posted on how things play out when the meds exit his system and I continue to appreciate all advice and insight.

[hmmmreally]

It has been a week since my 'blowup' so I thought I would post an update.

 

Stopping the medicine has made a big difference. He still feels somewhat blah but improving daily. Our intimacy has picked back up, not just sexually.

 

We had a long talk about it. He still doesn't like the way I blew up and stormed out and I am quite ashamed of myself as well. He does not want that to happen again. If I ever have a problem with something I need to come to him first, as I normally do. He also does not want me sneaking around behind his back to snoop in his phone. He said he does not have anything to hide and all I had to do was ask and he would have handed it over but at least he would have been able to tell me what to expect. He says I am welcome to look at anything, anytime but please be respectful enough to ask. I understand that. He uses my phone from time to time if his battery is dead or he left his but he has always asked first...or said I'm gonna use your phone if that's ok. He said he would never go behind my back and look through my phone because it insinuates a lack of trust and he has no reason to not trust anything I have on my phone. I at anytime have free access to his texts, emails, browser history, etc. but make him aware. To me that is very fair.

 

The main thing I took away from this whole experience is to make sure I keep my actions in check. Flipping out is never the most effective way or handling a situation. My actions only intensified the situation and diverted the issue from what he was doing to how I handled it. Thankfully we have the relationship we do and were able to get everything in the open, discuss the issue and resolve it.