work with my ex and can not escape the loop that i am caught in, advice would be nice

[Euphoria]

Thanks to anyone that makes the effort to read what i have to say and a big thanks to anyone that replys to it. It's a bit long

 

The purpose of this post is to seek advice on what to do about my situation, its a bit complecated so bare with me please.

 

I started my new job 6 months ago working in a warehouse, i started with 2 other people, one was a guy and the other a girl, this is all about that girl that started when i did. the warehouse consists of all guys except for the new girl and the office has all girls that are either married or up the duff. i didnt take much notice of the new girl as she isnt very attractive and didnt say much, she was just as nervours and shy as i was so i cant blame her for that. anyway she worked in a different area to what i did and took different breaks so i never really got the chance to talk to her until the works christmas party.

 

after talking to her for some time i found she was living with her boyfriend and had done so for 2 years, being the person i am i didnt want to get involved but she went on to tell me that they did nothing together at all, all he did was go home after work and surf the web and watch tv. considering she moved to the city for his sake, she didnt know anyone. i felt sorry for her so i thought it would be nice to take her out so she had some fun, we went swimming but so i didnt give the wrong idea several of us went.

 

again we talked and i go to know more about her to find that she wasnt happy with him and he treated her badly, she also went on to tell me about her life which wasnt a pretty picture, she has had it bad, her parents split, she had a boyfriend before this one that use to beat her and she once tried to kill herself because things were that bad. well at this point being the kind caring person i am, i felt sorry for her and wanted to help put her life back together. so we went out again and again it was swimming and it was just us. she told me that she wanted me but found it to differcult considering her current situation. i ask her why, she said because she had no where else to go so i suggested getting a place of her own, so she agreed to that and we started looking for somewhere, at the same time we were getting closer.

 

my parents went on holiday for a month so i had the house all to myself so during that month we saw each other after work every day and she stayed over a lot of the time. the month was the best time of my life and for her too. we fell in love quick and our emotions got deep. now something i should mention is that im not your normal type of guy, my parents are old fasioned and have brought me up like that. i dont drink at all, i dont smoke, i have morals and principles and i am a very caring person, i put everyone before me. i love to make people happy, im a very gentle and patient person and i never ever get angry ever.

 

now considering her last 2 boyfriends i was a breath of fresh air so much so that she was in tears a lot because she couldnt beleive the type of person i am and how kind i was to her and not to blow my own whistle but the sex was equaly amazing for her, because i am so gentle and put everyone before myself, i consintrated all my efforts on her and didnt she enjoy that, ow my god, i had her screaming so loud that glass would shatter, ha ha but thats enough of that, im sure you dont want to know details.

 

anyway, my parents came back after that great month and it made things more differcult because she found it uncomfatable round mine as my parents where there and we hadnt found any place for her to live. she had a week off work which she went home for which was about 40 miles away and during that month i got a text from her telling me that she didnt want to be involved with me anymore. i asked her why and she said she wanted to be alone for a while considering she was with this other chap for 2 years and then with me for 1 month straight. so i had to accept her decision.

 

after that week off she came back to work and things became very uncomfatable for me and her because she still had feelings for me, strong feelings. a week past and she couldnt stay with this guy for much longer because he was upsetting her so she decided to move back home and travel to work by train everyday. now this is when all the crap happened and heart ache.

 

she became a tap, one moment she was hot(friendly) and the next cold(ignores me) and from time to time she would come to mine by train and we would go out as friends. she behaved in a more than friendly mannor a lot of the time when we were out together, it seemed as though she was falling for me again but when she realised this she went cold on me and ignored me making me think i had done something wrong, when i asked her about it she would change the subject. she stopped going out with me and i became a work colleague only. i still harvest feelings for her and was having trouble getting rid of them, some days she was nice and others she was horrible as though she didnt care how i felt and was only looking out of herself. there were times when there were signs that she may be with someone else but denied it when i asked, other times when she wernt happy and i wanted to cheer her up but she wouldnt let me. this went on for a couple of months and now she moved back here on her own and still works where i do. shes still blowing hot and cold and its starting to get to me, throughout the entire break up shes been horrible and not once considered how i feel, i have continued to be nice and helpfull and caring despite her behaviour and now i find myself running out of patients, she still continues to ignore me and then be friendly. i would have said my good byes ages ago if it wernt for the fact that i work with her, she lives on her own and knows only me in the city and i do still care about her but i can not keep going on like this, everytime i try to talk to her about it, it makes matter worse and she gets pissed off.

 

what am i to do?

[uriel]

Eurphoria,

 

If you have to keep working with her -- and it sounds like you do -- then do your best to keep a distance between you. Assume the friendship isn't one of real depth (it isn't if it goes cold so often), and take that as a sign that there's nothing worth having or recovering with her. It's too bad, because you still care for her as more than friends.

 

That she doesn't want this with you any longer is likely the reason she goes cold sometimes -- she may be sensing that and wanting to discourage you. However, she still might talk to you like old times sometimes to see if you're still on the string. She wouldn't necessarily do this to be cruel, but to reassure herself that she's okay -- she's still worth something.

 

Most women who've been roughed up like this from an early age don't want nice guys. At some deep, unconscious level, nice guys don't trigger their issues. A woman in her situation won't realize that; she'll just think that nice guys don't have the right chemistry, spark, or whatever. She might also have issues with getting emotionally intimate. Your responsiveness to her might be a turn off (when, to an emotionally healthy woman, it would be a turn on).

 

Whatever her problems, she's not interested in anything more with you (great sex isn't enough to keep a woman around if the emotional connection isn't as profound). So, protect yourself and pull way back. If I were you, I'd even avoid casual conversation.

 

And, from now on, avoid women who need saving, at least romantically speaking. It usually doesn't end well -- good way to get your head messed up and your heart broken.

 

Of course (do I have to say it?), seeing people at work is also a bad idea -- though most everyone has tried it at one time or another. It's tough going to work if you can't get away from your private life there. So no more of that, okay?

 

Take care,

 

--uriel

[Euphoria]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and adviseing me on what to do.

 

what you say makes a lot of sense, you are right, the best thing to do is to back off completly, it may be hurtfull and hard to start with but it will fade and go. its just that we can be really good friends, weve gone out as friends in the past and had a really good time, both of us and i wish that we could be friends still. i reached the point where i do not want to be more than friends with her because she is messed up so im no longer hoping that it would work again. it can be very frustrating sometimes because on occasions she behaves and talks as though she still likes me, possibly still fancies me and other days she ignors me.

 

i find im running out of patients so if she continues to behave the way she does i will reach a point where i wont even both talking to her but at the same time she might come around and start to be friendly and want to go out. i just need to give it time so see which happens first.

 

thanks for all your help, what do you think about my plan?

 

take care

[uriel]

Eurphoria,

 

I think it's too soon for you two to hang out as friends, especially given that you can't get space from her at work. I still think you should avoid her as much as possible there. Work hard on making other friends who are just as fun -- or focus on the ones you already have who are.

 

When you're still attracted to someone, it's easy to make up reasons why the friendship after isn't a problem. However, the continued attraction still is, if it's not working out or any good for you.

 

-- uriel