is this a good enough reason to stay NC now...

[Dblock10]

3 weeks no contact. from me or her.

 

she leaves in less than 4 weeks to travel the world for 6 months.

 

i left hers with the message that i wanted it to work, i wanted to still be with her but she didn't want a relationship at this point in her life as it isn't practical for us to stay together right now she couldtnt make promises as to what she was doing when back.

 

so before i set off i told her if she wanted to meet up before she goes, she knows where i am...

 

she said yeah it depends on time and money really, she works a lot of hours saving for the trip. but she also never booked time off for me... just friends.

 

i also told her see you in 6 months and we said our good byes. And i set off to go visit my dying nan. who passed away 2 weeks ago.

 

 

since then, ive not heard a word from her. not anything.

 

 

so, i feel like theres no point contacting her to change her mind when its made up. the lasting impression i want to leave was that i did and do care about her and that i wanted it to work. she knew i wanted to see her again before she goes. but whats hurtful is not hearing from her now as it makes it complicated to know what i should/could/can do....

 

 

and so i am sat on the fence about contact or not

[Nohbody]

I'm recommending to stay NC. If she's about to leave anyway, all contacting her is going to do is make you seem like a box to be checked pre-flight. Or not checked, as it were. Stay away. Let her go.

[GgirlBgirl]

Do you feel like you and your relationship is worth her contacting you? You have already put the olive branch down as it were and she knows that she can contact you. Don't put your life on hold waiting for contact. The ball is in her court. You are worth so much more than that. Move forward and focus on letting yourself heal. Pick up a hobby, set a goal (like going through the joy of cooking cookbook or doing 5K, etc.) Believe me I know. I am moving this week and my ex left/forgot his $700 table from ikea that he bought to use as a desk in my place. I thought about contacting him and telling him to pick it up. My friends all say if he hasn't contacted you now about it then he doesn't want it, but I'm not the type to throw money away. I came to the conclusion that if he wants it, he can contact me and pick it up on my terms and at my convenience. Though I feel bad, I'm not his keeper and although I still care, he is an adult and I am not longer at liberty to give him friendly reminders.

 

I think NC would be best for you. Mind you I didn't say her. It will allow you to progress forward. Right now as she is, she doesn't deserve you. Nothing you can do will change it. Go NC.

[ScienceGal]

so, i feel like theres no point contacting her to change her mind when its made up. the lasting impression i want to leave was that i did and do care about her and that i wanted it to work. she knew i wanted to see her again before she goes. but whats hurtful is not hearing from her now as it makes it complicated to know what i should/could/can do....

 

and so i am sat on the fence about contact or not

 

You aren't on the fence, you're struggling and feeling a little desperate as you do the countdown to her departure. You even bolded and underlined some key words.

 

She knows you want to be with her, but she is not with you.

She knows you want to see her before she leaves, but has not contacted you. She even made excuses about money.

She previously never took time off for you, just for her friends.

 

It sounds like you had a lot more invested in her than she did you. I am deeply sorry for that.

 

Try to be strong and do your own thing for a few weeks. Give her until the week before she leaves for her trip. If she has not contacted you by then, and you still have the burning desire to make your case one last time, then reconsider it then. But, expect that she will either not reply or reply in a way that is less than you want. And, really what can she say? Are you going to wait for her until she comes back from her trip? Is that what you want her to ask you to do? Is that really fair to you or her?

 

For now, I think you have to accept that she is gone baby, gone

Move on, knowing that doesn't mean you have to lose hope for the future.

[Dblock10]

thanks for the replies.

 

GBgirl-

I would like to think it was worth her contacting me, sure!

 

I guess its because i care a lot about her and i don't want for us to become very distant i fell in love with her just before it all kicked off and went down hill because of this "obstacle" called 6 months travelling! you see, i have accepted that she doesn't want to be in a relationship whilst she goes (as hard as that is for me) fine. i pray she is single and wants to see me when back..

 

and I know trying to get her back now i would most likely fail and get further rejected and make myself look weak, i already went to see her in person and tell her my true feelings, explain why earlier on i said what i said.

 

i thought we would still be in contact at least like making sure we are both ok and doing well etc...

 

so you think NC wouldn't be best for her..? in what sense?

 

she has it easy to forget about me if i stay out of her life now. she will be far to engrossed with the travelling, then again she has been engrossed with it for a while now anyway.

 

your right though, i guess the ball is in her court. she doesn't want to play game though. feels like the only thing i "could" do is walk around onto her court pick the ball up and throw it at her again.

 

@science gal- thanks for the post

 

thats right you know, i am struggling and feeling desperate! 100%.

 

I guess i did have more in vested in her than she did me. that does hurt a lot.

 

i am being strong, trying to do my own thing. holding onto nc. exactly, even if i did speak to her, what would it achieve... the out come wouldnt be in my favour. i probably am best keeping to nc and moving on.

 

I wont wait for her to come back, but in 6 months i cant see myself "getting" with someone else tbh...

i am trying to accept it, its very difficult.

 

moving on and staying NC makes me feel like that "is" losing hope though.

 

my brain is telling me to not let her completely out of my life. maybe send a fb to her whilst shes on the travel. a happy bday message. that kind of thing.

 

what you say?

Edited August 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[ScienceGal]

thanks for the replies.

@science gal- thanks for the post

 

thats right you know, i am struggling and feeling desperate! 100%.

 

I guess i did have more in vested in her than she did me. that does hurt a lot.

 

i am being strong, trying to do my own thing. holding onto nc. exactly, even if i did speak to her, what would it achieve... the out come wouldnt be in my favour. i probably am best keeping to nc and moving on.

 

I wont wait for her to come back, but in 6 months i cant see myself "getting" with someone else tbh...

i am trying to accept it, its very difficult.

 

moving on and staying NC makes me feel like that "is" losing hope though.

 

my brain is telling me to not let her completely out of my life. maybe send a fb to her whilst shes on the travel. a happy bday message. that kind of thing.

 

what you say?

 

Since you seem adamant about sending a message, I won't try to talk you out of it. I will still urge that you wait though. Give it time because anything you write while you are feeling desperate is not going to convey the correct feelings. Trust me on this.

 

When is her birthday?

[Dblock10]

yeah thats very true, it makes you very weak and vulnerable .

 

i am scared to speak to her in a way... as like i said, i don't want to be shot down or rejected further or feel foolish. To top that i also don't know what message i want to give, with whats already been said and done. knowing all the facts in front of me some of which you pointed out. .. ? but...I also dont want to regret anything i dont do. catch 22.

 

her birthday is early in october. a month-ish after she leaves. she will be in america before moving onto australia.

 

when i spoke to her on the phone the time she had put thought to whats going to happen to "us" after what i had said and how she feels, that we should take a "break" and that she would like to meet when back and see how it goes. but she wont rule out me moving on and getting a girl friend. she pointed out all the female attention i got at uni. :S

and that she doesnt want to give me any false hope for anything, so i should just enjoy myself :S crazy.

[GgirlBgirl]

thanks for the replies.

 

GBgirl-

I would like to think it was worth her contacting me, sure!

 

I guess its because i care a lot about her and i don't want for us to become very distant i fell in love with her just before it all kicked off and went down hill because of this "obstacle" called 6 months travelling! you see, i have accepted that she doesn't want to be in a relationship whilst she goes (as hard as that is for me) fine. i pray she is single and wants to see me when back..

 

and I know trying to get her back now i would most likely fail and get further rejected and make myself look weak, i already went to see her in person and tell her my true feelings, explain why earlier on i said what i said.

 

i thought we would still be in contact at least like making sure we are both ok and doing well etc...

 

so you think NC wouldn't be best for her..? in what sense?

 

she has it easy to forget about me if i stay out of her life now. she will be far to engrossed with the travelling, then again she has been engrossed with it for a while now anyway.

 

your right though, i guess the ball is in her court. she doesn't want to play game though. feels like the only thing i "could" do is walk around onto her court pick the ball up and throw it at her again.

 

@science gal- thanks for the post

 

thats right you know, i am struggling and feeling desperate! 100%.

 

I guess i did have more in vested in her than she did me. that does hurt a lot.

 

i am being strong, trying to do my own thing. holding onto nc. exactly, even if i did speak to her, what would it achieve... the out come wouldnt be in my favour. i probably am best keeping to nc and moving on.

 

I wont wait for her to come back, but in 6 months i cant see myself "getting" with someone else tbh...

i am trying to accept it, its very difficult.

 

moving on and staying NC makes me feel like that "is" losing hope though.

 

my brain is telling me to not let her completely out of my life. maybe send a fb to her whilst shes on the travel. a happy bday message. that kind of thing.

 

what you say?

What I meant that NC is really in your benefit not hers. If you maintain contact, she begins to believe that it's okay to string you along because it's "you" contacting her. Even if someday in the future she thinks about you, it might not be in the most favorable light. Most girls might feel smothered by you keeping on contacting her as a reminder that you are still there. It's her choice and nothing you do can change that. If you really feel the need to say something more before she leaves, I would limit it to wishing her well and telling her to be safe.

 

I know this is not easy at all especially when you love someone so much. You need to love yourself enough to want more for yourself.

[ScienceGal]

yeah thats very true, it makes you very weak and vulnerable .

 

i am scared to speak to her in a way... as like i said, i don't want to be shot down or rejected further or feel foolish. To top that i also don't know what message i want to give, with whats already been said and done. knowing all the facts in front of me some of which you pointed out. .. ? but...I also dont want to regret anything i dont do. catch 22.

 

her birthday is early in october. a month-ish after she leaves. she will be in america before moving onto australia.

 

when i spoke to her on the phone the time she had put thought to whats going to happen to "us" after what i had said and how she feels, that we should take a "break" and that she would like to meet when back and see how it goes. but she wont rule out me moving on and getting a girl friend. she pointed out all the female attention i got at uni. :S

and that she doesnt want to give me any false hope for anything, so i should just enjoy myself :S crazy.

 

Make your goal to send her a birthday message then. Nothing at all until then. See how you are feeling when that time comes.

 

Whatever you do, do not be her safety net. Do not give any indication that you miss her or are waiting for her. The fact that you are sending a message at all will indicate to her that you care and are thinking of her.

 

Good luck! And, do not do anything in haste!

[Dblock10]

sorry, carrying on from my post above that i was editing-

 

.....so i agreed to the break as it sounded like a good idea and she sounded genuine about meeting once back (but then was she saying it to just be nice?). Then days later of not hearing from her, reality sunk in and i realised that a break is basically a break up and i didnt want to loose her and if she wasnt making effort now, would she make effort whilst away, back? probably not.

 

i told her during this phone call i would wait, and i dont want to loose her. im not going to be actively searching for a new relationship with anyone..

 

but she didnt want me to wait around for her as it isnt fair on me

 

 

gbgirl-

 

yeah i have thought this, she might just feel im "always there for her" and she can in the mean time do as she pleases with other men.

 

on the other hand i dont want her to forget me, whats the best way to make her think of me in a favourable light.

 

thats right. if i did contact her before she leaves it would simply have to be a wish you well, be safe. but its still rubbish how she hasnt shown care or any need to talk to me before she departs...

[Dblock10]

seems like sensible advice. really i need to be the man, be mature, give her what she wants, which is freedom to travel with no worries at this time in her life i cant cling on and make her resent me for being weak or needy.

 

I wont give her any indication that i'll be her safety net. I already told her in person i'd always be here for her. she knows i care for her.

 

so when its her birthday, simply send her a txt wishing her a happy birthday and that i hope she is safe on the travels?

 

yes, i dont want to do anything hastily. i already said my good byes, the ball is in her court. there is nothing more i can do i guess.

[ScienceGal]

so when its her birthday, simply send her a txt wishing her a happy birthday and that i hope she is safe on the travels?

 

yes, i dont want to do anything hastily. i already said my good byes, the ball is in her court. there is nothing more i can do i guess.

 

Yes on the birthday message. But again, be prepared to get nothing in return.

 

And. Yes, the ball is definitely in her court.

[LelouchIsZero]

3 weeks no contact. from me or her.

 

she leaves in less than 4 weeks to travel the world for 6 months.

 

i left hers with the message that i wanted it to work, i wanted to still be with her but she didn't want a relationship at this point in her life as it isn't practical for us to stay together right now she couldtnt make promises as to what she was doing when back.

 

so before i set off i told her if she wanted to meet up before she goes, she knows where i am...

 

she said yeah it depends on time and money really, she works a lot of hours saving for the trip. but she also never booked time off for me... just friends.

 

i also told her see you in 6 months and we said our good byes. And i set off to go visit my dying nan. who passed away 2 weeks ago.

 

 

since then, ive not heard a word from her. not anything.

 

 

so, i feel like theres no point contacting her to change her mind when its made up. the lasting impression i want to leave was that i did and do care about her and that i wanted it to work. she knew i wanted to see her again before she goes. but whats hurtful is not hearing from her now as it makes it complicated to know what i should/could/can do....

 

 

and so i am sat on the fence about contact or not

You've already answered your own question, pretty much.

"So, i feel like theres no point contacting her to change her mind when its made up".

 

She realises that you love her & that you care about her, but none of that matters as you can't change her mind on things. She isn't really considering you & your feelings in a way, so I'm sure you're going to be better off without her, which is why you need to start/continue NC.

 

Saying that you're better off without her, I'm sure is meaningless to you though lol, which I can understand.

Edited August 29, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[GgirlBgirl]

Most people aren't attracted to desperation, easy-access, etc. We tend to not associate that with strength and view it in a negative light. People are attracted to confidence, strength, and passion for life (hobbies, work, etc.).

 

I'm not saying that you are desperate. I think you are hurt and don't understand why she wouldn't want to contact you since you were a part of each other's lives. I still have those thoughts. I'm not sure when the BU occurred, but she had a head start on getting used to the idea of you not being there, especially if she's been planning this trip for so long. You want to project yourself as a strong person who can stand on his own two feet even if right now, you don't feel like that. If you were a woman, I'd say it's all about handling things with grace. Since you are a guy, I'll say it's all about handling this with dignity. Good luck.

[Dblock10]

thanks sciencegal yeah kinda crap that i prob wont get a reply. Do you think she will take her phone? Cause unless I contact her now to ask her how i can contact her, i'm taking a gamble? or will asking her that be not good, clingy? i guess i could always pm her fb right. she is bound to check that at an internet cafe at some point?

 

then again i'm sure she will take her phone with the number i have for her, in america she can use that same number i assume?

 

 

@ LelouchIsZero

 

Yeah which is what stops me doing it! i had an ex that i kept on hammering on and on at until it forced her to go into a relationship with the guy she was seeing. i wont repeat past mistakes. once a girl or anyone has made her mind, respect it, chances are they wont change it tbh. you will look weak trying.

 

i hope she realises that! you aren't the first one to say that she isn't or hasn't considered my feelings much at all. its all about her and her travelling, her life, and i do find it hard to accept she hasn't ask about me or my nan. but there you go.

 

its not meaningless, just hard to get my head around as to me she is amazing!

 

@gbgirl

 

yeah thats true, people are attracted to those things very much so. which is what attracted me to her, the fact she was studying a hard subject (my weakness subject maths) and she seemed so bright and positive about the future and travelling. which is something id love to do also.

and dont get me wrong, she is drop dead gorgeous to boot.

 

yeah i am hurt because of just that. And at times feel desperation that there will be no one else for me, and i feel that i don't want to loose her for good ever! yeah she always knew she was going hence why keeping me at arms lengths and staying more involved with her friends at uni and although we spent a lot of time together whilst she was revising, i guess it was because all her friends were revising also, when she finished exams she spent a lot of time with them, constantly saying it will be the last time i see them... all the while i was thinking what about me

 

yeah i do need to project that, and i think that because i haven't broken down and contacted her in moments of weakness that i am handling this rather well.

 

how do i handle this with dignity, a friend of mine told me to keep my dignity i don't really understand fully what that entails and what it will achieve.

 

 

 

i feel such relief talking about this.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[flitzanu]

sadly, as the hundreds of other stories on here explain, nothing you do is going to change anything and nothing you do is going to give you the resolution you want.

 

she left, she isn't contacting you, and she doesn't care. simple as that.

 

you wasting another breath on her is pointless.

 

and trust me, i WISH that i realized this during my breakup.

 

you need to disappear from her life, especially while she's gone traveling, and when she gets back. don't be her doormat.

[GgirlBgirl]

 

yeah i do need to project that, and i think that because i haven't broken down and contacted her in moments of weakness that i am handling this rather well.

 

how do i handle this with dignity, a friend of mine told me to keep my dignity i don't really understand fully what that entails and what it will achieve.

 

I'm glad that you are doing well in not contacting her in moments of weakness. Handling it with dignity means that you don't do anything you would be embarrassed and feel somewhat pathetic about years from now. If you think that if you told your friends, they would not respond positively then it's probably not a good move. Handling it with dignity means your actions when you reflect on them months, years, decades from now make you feel good.

 

The board community is great and here for us in our moments of weakness. You posting here instead of contacting her is a way of handling it with dignity.

[Dblock10]

@flitzanu

 

yeah basically. sad isn't it really.. i was hoping that she and I would have that fairy tale ending i guess. when in reality this is very rare, uncommon.

 

hmm its funny how she doesn't care. what does that say about her? or is it simply her moving on and she doesn't feel any need to talk to me. i feel like another notch to her list of bf's that fell. i feel like i'm just "another bf" who she was with whilst at uni lol. great!

 

yeah its hard to accept it. i do realise it. sadly doesn't help the moving on phase, as you cant understand why. being as you shared something with them for a period of time in your lives.

 

 

yeah i wont be a door matt at all. you saying not to wish her happy bday then or anything?

 

when i went to speak to her in person, she mentioned that we should keep each other updated with our lives.. but that could of been a lie, or a sentence to make herself feel better about putting me down and not continuing the relationship.

 

@gbgirl

 

yeah i think its because iv'e done it in the past, and given the facts that are on the table i am trying to stick to logic rather than irrational emotions.

 

yeah ive not lost my dignity in that respect then although iv'e come close to it, by wanting to txt her, have a go at her, etc its all crossed my mind.

 

i was so tempted to txt her or call her to update her with my life but really its a cry to make her care isnt it... but if she cared i shouldn't need to contact her and update her. however i feel that she could be feeling the same thing.... i know for a fact if i called her and said hey, not heard from you in a while, why not ? she would say, same to you, not heard from you in a while either.

 

I once left it 4 days whilst i was unsure of where i and us stood, and heard nothing from her, and i told her i purposely waited to see if she would actually bother, she laughed at me, saying it was childish and sorry she doesnt keep a rota of when i contact her etc. she said you know if you contact me ill contact you back i always do.

 

and i said yes i know, but it would be NICE for you to WANT to contact me first and not have me having to poke you to do so but ok.

 

her excuse? she is rubbish at communication. and really she is. its terrible.

 

oh and whilst it was rocky, i asked her about her nan and asked how she was doing (as she was going through what happened to my nan). as the two days she got off work she told me she promised she was going to see her nan as its a higher priority than me. which is fair enough, just i was hanging on to her to tell me of these days off. and when she finally got them she told me that.

 

of course im fine with her seeing her ill nan, absolutely. but she could have told me that if she did get a chance to see her she would use those days off for that.

 

i was waiting anxiously for her to give me the days she would get off

Edited August 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[flitzanu]

i'm sure part of her wants to keep up with your life, that's to keep you as an option. don't be her option.

 

the thing about a breakup is, you don't have to answer for your actions anymore. you don't have to explain yourself or your behavior.

 

she no longer has control over anything you do, so don't let her continue to have it by her giving you false hope that "being friends" will keep her close.

 

i say don't wish her happy birthday, just going to stroke her ego more that you're paying attention to the date.

 

funny thing, my ex already hated me by my bday, and yet (i think purposefully) chose to text me the day after to say happy bday. and to point out how she "forgot and didn't see the date LOL" which again...it's 2011, who doesn't see a date on a cell, pc, or otherwise.

 

but anyway, i think the sooner you block her out the sooner you start healing buddy.

[Dblock10]

yeah makes sense when you look at it like that, why else would you want to keep in contact with an ex unless you spent years and years together or have children? but being an option hmm. Sounds stupid but i would like to be an option to her :S as i do want her back you know?

 

but i reckon her "oh well i'm leaving anyway", type attitude, would indicate she was saying it to let me down gently"

 

she only became like that after her final exams finished though, she began to not care about my feelings more and more thats why the arguments started to become more common i think. i know she really liked me, to put up with some of our disagreements and fall outs. but in the end she knew she was going and it wouldnt work out so she began to withdraw and almost be a bit of a nob to me about everything. and that would explain why she didnt book time off for me or plan anything in concrete for my birthday.

 

funny i was literally thinking the same thing, txt her the day after, oops i forgot... more like i planned to. which she will prob pick up on if i did that lol

 

but yeah, it could stroke her ego, but at the same time it would come up on fb etc etc so its not like im keeping a true eye on the date.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Dblock10

[ScienceGal]

thanks sciencegal yeah kinda crap that i prob wont get a reply. Do you think she will take her phone? Cause unless I contact her now to ask her how i can contact her, i'm taking a gamble? or will asking her that be not good, clingy? i guess i could always pm her fb right. she is bound to check that at an internet cafe at some point?

 

i feel such relief talking about this.

 

Email either Facebook or another private email that you know she will check.

 

And, I am glad that discussing it helps you feel better. It does me too, and it's usually just getting reinforcement to what I already know

[Dblock10]

Email either Facebook or another private email that you know she will check.

 

And, I am glad that discussing it helps you feel better. It does me too, and it's usually just getting reinforcement to what I already know

 

Yeah i doubt she will look into a birthday message as anything more than.. just.. that..

however if i wanted to play games, i could just not bother, and make her feel crap that i didn't. but i'm not like that, i am not a cruel being. I could just write it on her wall, and she would never check or actively look for my post. however as you say, i could private mail her on fb.

 

yeah makes me feel better talking, although it can make you "over" think everything you know? which is bad bad bad.

 

but i think its all more clear now, the whole situation. i still miss her, i still wish i could be with her, i still wish things were different for us. but this is how it is.

 

i guess she said we should keep each other updated with our lives to be "nice" as apposed to actually meaning it. hence the silence.

 

i find it funny how she used that saying "about the butterfly, if you love something..."

[Dblock10]

was just thinking would it be cruel to send a txt to her saying,

 

hey, hope your well, and work is ok. im moving soon and have a new job to go to. my nan passed away last week. hope your nan is ok.

 

 

tempting

 

hmmm

[sadvenus]

I broke 2 months+ of NC to send my ex a birthday message and now I'm back to square one. He did respond and wish me well too. And after that, my world fell apart again. I keep on interpreting his very short message. I spend days thinking he wants me back too.

 

I'm not sure which is better, knowing he has moved on and happy with someone else or knowing that he still have feelings for me. The first one seems to be easier since I can't do anything about it and I have no choice but to let go. But thinking that he still has feelings for me is very hard. I'm past the anger and forgiveness stage. But now that I'm no longer angry I tend to miss him more. It's so confusing and yes, the hurt is driving me insane.

 

"My advise is, whatever it is that you are doing or about to do, anything that is fueling your misery, is affecting anyone but YOU. Your ex will continue to have fun while travelling whether you contact her or not and yes, she won't be spending too much time thinking about you. So go ahead and make a choice."

[Dblock10]

yeah, breaking NC to then get a "wish you all the best", would hurt i can understand that as its like saying, i no longer think about you, but wish you all the best now.

 

I was thinking, given my situation here with my ex, what realistic chance do i have ending back up with her when she is back or in the future?

 

is it worth me trying to keep in contact to make that happen or is there nothing i can really do and should just try and forget it and move on, and then let everything happen naturally?

 

i dont want to regret stay in complete NC with her and then thinking, hmm that was dumb when she goes out with someone else... or that she thinks i dont care and have completely moved on :s

 

I am at day 25 NC she leaves in 23 days...

 

i feel massively deflated right now