stressed7 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Hi everyone Okay, I had just two months of serious A( sort of friendship for last 6 months) with this CW from work. One fine day she started behaving like stranger and didn't tell me why. I reckon this was because she wanted to end the entire thing. I am fine with breakup, had it in the past (not A though) but can't reconcile that she treated me like stranger. Now she is not at work anymore, but still goes out with other colleagues. Makes me feel sad that everyone else can spend time with her but not me. Also the way she treated me like a stranger hurts me a lot. how can someone be this cold ! I am doing NC, though there is nothing to do it. She will never respond even if contact her. I just need my answers, kills me to not have it. Please advise. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Sorry you are being treated that way. I once treated a MM that way. I realized at some point he was in way too deep, was talking of leaving his W even though we had agreed it would just be an A. I didn't trust him to respond reasonably, so I just cut him off abruptly. Didn't return any of his calls or messages. It took about 2 years until he gave up completely. He's still with his W many years later. So I cut off MM abruptly because he wasn't fitting into the type of A I imagined and I didn't want to go through any drama. Some of his messages implied he thought we could be friends, but his obsessiveness showed otherwise. Perhaps you stopped being whatever it was CW wanted or perhaps her needs changed. That would be in line with my own experience. Another possibility is that she had a dday and chose her partner, which is a special case of her needs changing. Whatever the reason, CW is showing you she is not your friend or loving partner. Best to find that out now, rather than after investing a year or more. If she does come back at some point, I think you would likely be in for even more heartbreak if you let her in again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stressed7 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 @woinlove Thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. I understand you did good but not being emotionally invested in the relationship. I would not be feeling bad if I was not emotionally invested either. One question - were you feeling bad that the MM is hurting, or you were indifferent to that ? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Hi everyone Okay, I had just two months of serious A( sort of friendship for last 6 months) with this CW from work. One fine day she started behaving like stranger and didn't tell me why. I reckon this was because she wanted to end the entire thing. I am fine with breakup, had it in the past (not A though) but can't reconcile that she treated me like stranger. Now she is not at work anymore, but still goes out with other colleagues. Makes me feel sad that everyone else can spend time with her but not me. Also the way she treated me like a stranger hurts me a lot. how can someone be this cold ! I am doing NC, though there is nothing to do it. She will never respond even if contact her. I just need my answers, kills me to not have it. Please advise. It seems she didn't emotionally invest in you (6 months isn't that long and a 2 month affair isn't long either) like you did in her. Look at it like this, she's an 'ex' now and not all feel the need to be friendly or keep intouch with someone they broke up with. Fact is, and as much as you may not like this, she has a right to decide not to have anything to do with you. What answers do you need from her? What is it that's killing you? Again, after such a short period of time, what are you looking for so you can let go and move on? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 @woinlove Thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. I understand you did good but not being emotionally invested in the relationship. I would not be feeling bad if I was not emotionally invested either. One question - were you feeling bad that the MM is hurting, or you were indifferent to that ? I was indifferent to that. It really didn't matter to me because he chose to have an A. He had made it clear at the beginning that he wanted to stay married and that suited me. His feelings developed very quickly and I was sure they were infatuation/lust. Mine were. I was quite hard on him because he was married. Once I felt that continuing was going to trap me into something I didn't want (him ending his marriage for me) I quickly felt irritated by his continuing attempts at contact - like he should be pestering his W, not me. I can imagine a M or C W's feelings turning cold if she decided to really focus on her M. But not saying that is what is going on with your CW, as I don't know. Just that A's come with certain boundaries because of the commitment elsewhere and things can turn if the boundaries change or aren't respected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stressed7 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 @WWIUP, Not any answers but I just need to hear from her that it is over. And that would have been nicer way to end than treating me like a stranger for everyone at work to see. Moreover colleagues showing their smug face to me after they spent the evening partying with her. (may be my bruised ego is playing here as well) @woinlove, Situation is slightly different. We didn't intend to start an A, it just happened on totally emotional level. I wanted to check it, told her many times that I might fall and she kept saying it is only human. No lust involved here. I didn't pester nor will ever do it. If she had told me once it was over, I would have did everything but contact her. Her confidant at work did tell me that she was concerned she might caught, cross some lines or her partner might notice her change of behaviour. I understand the reason to end it, but not the way. I wished decency to a fellow human being ! Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 @WWIUP, Not any answers but I just need to hear from her that it is over. And that would have been nicer way to end than treating me like a stranger for everyone at work to see. Moreover colleagues showing their smug face to me after they spent the evening partying with her. (may be my bruised ego is playing here as well) @woinlove, Situation is slightly different. We didn't intend to start an A, it just happened on totally emotional level. I wanted to check it, told her many times that I might fall and she kept saying it is only human. No lust involved here. I didn't pester nor will ever do it. If she had told me once it was over, I would have did everything but contact her. Her confidant at work did tell me that she was concerned she might caught, cross some lines or her partner might notice her change of behaviour. I understand the reason to end it, but not the way. I wished decency to a fellow human being ! Yes, after sharing intimacy with another, decent behavior would be saying something and not simply ending contact abruptly. CM/CW rarely end up treating their APs decently - although there are exceptions, particularly when the CM/CW ends their M or R quickly to be with the AP. Of course, they are not treating their BS decently either. Try not to worry about your colleagues as they don't know what you really think or feel unless you tell them. Just focus on the fact that you know at least 2 people CW has treated poorly, her partner and you, and although it doesn't feel like it right now, your life will be happier if it is not intimately connected to someone who treats others that way. Work on moving on without CW, so that if she comes around again if her conditions change, you will respond in a way that values yourself sufficiently. It must be extra challenging having reminders of her at your work, but if you are determined, you can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You do deserve the courtesy of the exchange, allowing you to understand the situation rather than trying to guess it. All I will say though, is that it's quite possible those answers would not have been enough and would lead to more questions, perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 @WWIUP, Not any answers but I just need to hear from her that it is over. And that would have been nicer way to end than treating me like a stranger for everyone at work to see. Moreover colleagues showing their smug face to me after they spent the evening partying with her. (may be my bruised ego is playing here as well) Yeah don't let your ego take over on this one.. Not worth it. Sure it would be nice for her to end it properly, but she isn't going to because she doesn't have the courage to face you and deal with things so it's easier for her to avoid that way she won't feel guilt or feel bad she hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stressed7 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 All, Thanks as usual for your replies. Sometimes I feel like calling her and asking why she could not end it properly, but I guess she will get one more opportunity to pull a nasty one on me. I will let this die the way it is. May be it was my destiny for it to end this way. I hope with passing days the hurt will lessen and I would be okay one day, but this will forever rankle. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Sorry to bump this thread but I see I'm not the only one this happened to. I reckon it's normal to want answers, to seek some civility, but it's not going to happen from our respective xOW's. It will always hurt to know that someone you considered a friend and/or lover so easily discarded you and cared nothing about you. I hope you are dealing with it better. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Also the way she treated me like a stranger hurts me a lot. how can someone be this cold ! I can't answer specifically for her, but, in general, that is sometimes how people deal with pain. The only way they can get through it is to completely shut off the positive feelings. I know... because that's what I have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
SteveS Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Yes. My XMW once told me in a moment of calm during our last few argumentative months together that she could either be with me and hate herself OR hate me and get on with her M. Soon after that she vanished. Not even a telephone call or a goodbye in person. It is painful to be left wondering how you could be discarded so easily, whether the time together actually meant anything, whether you were being used, whether she's found someone else etc etc etc etc etc etc etc......but the best thing you can do....the only thing you can do is accept you can never make her answer these questions so you might as well get on with your life. Oh bear in mind the reality, well my reality, is she might yo-yo back. My xMW used to just vanish...sometimes after the most romantic perfect days. Vanish for weeks, months and then suddenly reappear back to normal. Well I was stupid enough to take her back! If she does come back. And your natural reaction is to take her back...don't! Good luck.x Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Oh bear in mind the reality, well my reality, is she might yo-yo back. My xMW used to just vanish...sometimes after the most romantic perfect days. Vanish for weeks, months and then suddenly reappear back to normal. Well I was stupid enough to take her back! If she does come back. And your natural reaction is to take her back...don't! Good luck.x They all do that. Inconsistency is typical with MW. They disapear because they don't love the OM, they love the way he makes them feel. When they are faced with choices (D-day or confession or ending A) they show their true colors. What's sad is that most of them don't see the OM as a potential good husband/ good father. When they think about the OM they only think about the butterflies in the stomach, not a life together.. They come back when they are bored or tired with their life and need some thrill again. Once they have the shot, they disappear and go back to their life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stressed7 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 Sorry to bump this thread but I see I'm not the only one this happened to. I reckon it's normal to want answers, to seek some civility, but it's not going to happen from our respective xOW's. It will always hurt to know that someone you considered a friend and/or lover so easily discarded you and cared nothing about you. I hope you are dealing with it better. In a strange way it does seem that many of us has the same predicament, same desire for knowing what really happened. It is correct when they say that we will not get the answers. Atleast I haven't. Thanks for bumping the thread; it was good to see some other perspectives. These days I don't post much, only reading the threads. Hope you feel better too ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stressed7 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) One of my close married friend was having an affair with a single W. I was just following on his A to analyse and get some perspective. It started with friends between them and in a week they were having sex and pretty intense. The girl had to leave in two months and they both made good use of it. As it would happen, the girl fell for him and he proclaimed to love her as well. The final week came and the good bye happened at the airport. I asked him later did he feel any bad ? His answer was "NO" and I was surprised. I thought he would feel even a little sad of leaving her but he didn't. The reason was that he had a wife to whom he would go every evening after meeting that single W. He never got emotionally invested in her, and in hindsight, I assume he played it that way from beginning even though he never appeared so. He never fell for her, inspite of the triggers cause he had an emotional eco-system at home. I guess those who are single/ignore their own eco-system/more emotional than the other party in A are often the ones who are hurt most ! Edited September 29, 2011 by stressed7 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Not that it makes it right but I wish to God that I was never emotionally involved with the married woman I fell for. It was her who felt nothing in the end with me still suffering and it sucks Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 In the early days we tend to focus on or maybe we obsess about did they not feel anything for us. It may not provide you much comfort right now but you WILL get to a point that you'll be more at peace with that part of it and you won't be so focused on wondering if you were played. You need to concentrate on moving forward with your wife since that is what you've decided to do. You're right, absolutely right, but on a simple human decency level, betrayor or not, when you allow someone into your heart so to speak, open your emotions to them, it is only natural that you want closure, answers, reasons as to why they did what they did to cause you pain when you trusted them to such a strong degree. No matter what, it's hard to take that human element from the equation. I never liked hearing about my friends playing women, telling them what they wanted to hear then discarding them like used paper plates, and it bothers the hell out of me that I may have been played...no...was played by someone who professed to care so much. I am working on moving on, it's a long hard road......... Link to post Share on other sites
SteveS Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'm going to go with LadyGrey on this one. The reality is you can't force someone to give you answers. Trying to do so will only irritate them further. Even if you do manage to get them to agree to meet to discuss she'll either be a different woman - cold and indifferent which will break your heart...or even worse she'll feel something and you'll end up back in each other's arms. It really is a lose lose lose situation. The best thing is to focus on yourself and get on with your life. Treasure the happy memories for what they were...memories. Time will help. You just have to let it. Have to admit I don't believe most of that (yet) and woke up this morning trying to come up with reasons to break NC...but you have to stop yourself. Come on here...reading the stories / writing about it helps. Good luck.x Link to post Share on other sites
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