I think he lied to me

[breakfastmeat]

I have an online friend that I have known for 10 years. He has been off an on for a couple years pursuing me sexually. I respond in kind less than 2 months ago and he backs off citing personal problems. He says he does want me sexually but to please be patient with him. I said okay.

 

I also stated at the time that I had more than just sexual interest in him. I asked, "Are you interested in me at all?" I said that I had hoped we could have more than just sex. And he gave a vague response of, "I don't know where we stand."

 

Yesterday, online, at a social place we and others hang out at, I saw some convo he had with a male friend of his. He stated that he needs a woman he can be serious with and that he cannot find one suitable, or that if he thinks he has found one, she's married, disinterested, etc. I was quite hurt by this, in fact I felt as if I was punched in the stomach, and confronted him about it. In the past month and a half since he put off the sex thing with me, I noticed he seemed to be pushing me away, doesn't mention sex and doesn't talk to me in a sexual way at all anymore. So, I messaged him and asked him that I'd like to think that if he changed his mind about sex that he would tell me, and that if he wasn't interested in me he'd tell me.

 

I get this weird response about how even when he is interested he loses interest in the chase "rather promptly", and that he "honestly" "didn't know" if he had any romantic interest in me, and that if he's in doubt his inclination is to do nothing. He also said that my reaction to him putting off the sex was enough to give him pause (I got emotional), but he "can't predict the future, though..." So we went from him asking me to be patient with him to him saying he can't predict the future. This gives me the impression I'm backup pussy. He has other interests that he'd prefer and I'm backburner at best.

 

Over our friendship, we've gotten along very well, disagreed respectfully, etc. We've done online political activism together and even run a website.

 

Two things bother me here. One, I think he changed his mind about the sex thing (he has mentioned this fear he has of sex ruining friendships) but didn't tell me. That was very hurtful. He asked me to be patient with him and I was, while he was apparently quietly backpedaling away without bothering to tell me. Now I get a totally different response on this issue.

 

Worse, however, is the comment he made to his friend in public view about him not bring able to find a suitable woman to be serious with. I remember him saying something very similar to that to someone about 5 years ago. I have an extremely difficult time believing that if he is looking for a woman to be serious with, he never considered his friends, let alone his best friend. Personally I think it's more likely that he considered me years ago, decided I was not suitable for him and just doesn't want to tell me fearing I'll be hurt and cut off our friendship. I feel that he isn't being straight with me and I told him that doing that was deeply hurtful. He just says he told me how he feels and he doesn't know what more to say.

 

I messaged him last night about how hurt I am, etc., and how I feel like our friendship is at risk because if nothing else I cannot stomach being around a man that I care about who doesn't reciprocate back to me. I don't want to experience being jealous of another woman as I was nearly 2 months ago. I told him that if I stayed around him, that would just be a continuous cycle. I simply can't stomach it. He really didn't respond to it and basically accused me of using him as a "scratching post" for my personal upsets in the man department, because I had said I was thinking of abandoning this activism because it was negatively impacting my romantic prospects.

 

The worst part for me, though, is that I think he lied about ever having had interest in me. What do you all think? I really have a hard time thinking that in the years he's been looking for a serious relationship, he never thought about me. "To be honest, I don't know" just doesn't hold water.

 

I feel that I have no choice but to break this friendship for all time (he said he'd be "devastated" if I did) in order to preserve my dignity and emotional health. What has transpired so far has made me sick enough that I had to call off work today. I basically haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours, I had a hard time sleeping last night and my stomach has been bothering me. At this point I have to figure out how to extract myself with minimum heartbreak so that I can function at work and school. I may have to put it off until Friday night or Saturday AM when I have 2 days off. This man has been my friend very nearly 1/4 of my life and I know that I'm going to have problems. I've already been having problems. Heartbreak, disappointment, feelings of sickness, overwhelming grief, etc.

 

I've never been in this situation before. Am I overreacting? I don't know what to do with my feelings toward him, and I feel that if I maintain my friendship with him then I'm some kind of idiot sticking around someone that doesn't want me. I feel like I'm trapped and I'll be emotionally tortured no matter what I do.