Problems with his kid and women friends who are married

[NatalieCM]

My significant other and I both have one child each from a previous marriage that are the exact same age (6th graders). Me and my SO have been together over a year and he's talking marriage.

 

Our kids do not get along. Each are totally different - raised differently -have different values and morals. His son is bratty, spoiled and always starts fights. My son isn't perfect but he just can't stand being around this kid because he's out of control (gets in fights, gets in trouble at school, etc.).

 

Whenever these boys are together his son intentionally says and does mean things and tries to get all his neighborhood friends to gang up on my son and not be friends with him. The other kids are afraid so they do what he tells them.

 

My son then feels left out and hurt. He hates that neighborhood, those kids and my SO's son. I hate putting him thru all that when we go over to my SO's house to visit.

 

I think the problem is his son feels jealous and threatened by my son's presence. He can't be the center of attention with my son there so he creates problems and tries to turn other kids against him.

 

My SO is clueless as to how to control his son and make him be nicer. It's not my son's nature to be mean or fight back but he's constantly put in a position of having to fight back and defend himself against this kid because he's always starting problems.

 

Both me and my son hate his kid and can't stand going to their house or neighborhood. My SO has no control over his son and doesn't have a clue what to do. This proves to me he hasn't got a handle on his child and I am considering ending the relationship because of his son.

 

Another weird thing is my SO is a single dad and there are two married mom's (one across the street and one a former teacher of this child) that cater to this kid and mother him to death. These women are both married with boys who are friends with him. They constantly offer to help take care of him and take him places. I don't understand this because this kid bullies their sons and beats them up! Yet these moms are always calling my SO to help him out (and they know I'm involved with him).

 

Think my SO asks these women to be involved and help him? This is another thing that makes me feel uncomfortable - these two "married moms" are constantly calling and inviting his kid to go do things with their kids. I don't get it.

 

The one across the street will see me come over there in my car and next thing I know she's knocking on the door. She's married - why can't she mind her own business? And the other woman is married too but she offers to mother his son (pick him up and babysit after school - keep him 2-3 nights in a row).

 

These two moms have sons of their own. Are they trying to include this kid to keep their own sons company? I find this weird. And the fact these two women know I'm in this man's life - doesn't seem to phase them.

[krbshappy71]

What is more important: Your happiness or your son's happiness.

 

There's your answer as to what to do.

 

Your son does not have a say in this situation you are putting him through. But you do. And yet you continue to put him through this. Poor kid.

 

(My 2 cents)

[sportsloving]

This is just my say in the matter... but when you love someone you also love their children. You have stated that you and your son hate your SO's child. What more is there to say?

 

The child sounds as if he has a lot of pent up anger, and may need to seek counseling. If you care about any future with the SO and his child, talk to your SO and see what he thinks and feels. It is also going to be important that he get a handle on his child before it goes any further... it will only get worse.

 

As for me, if someone is bullying or intimidating my child, I wouldn't keep subjecting him to the situation. But that is just my opinion.

[tiki]

Originally posted by NatalieCM Both me and my son hate his kid and can't stand going to their house or neighborhood.

 

That's so sad. How can you hate a child? I just gonna keep it zipped and hope you didn't mean that.

 

If the feelings are so strong that there's HATRED, leave!!!

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

I don't think there is anything wrong with the two "married women" calling and asking to include his son in things, it doesn't sound like they bring over meals to eat with the son and father or try and be "alone" with the dad. I think it's nice that the teacher and neighbor try and be a good influence in this boy's life...where is his Mother?

Some of his anger maybe to do with whatever situation he has with her and maybe he is mean to your son because he has a hard time seeing a child with a loving mother constantly in their life and has trouble processing it! I agree that he needs counseling but if you can't care about his son and try and help him no matter how difficult you have no reason to stay in this guy's life he deserves someone who can love him and his child and who will treat her child and his equally no matter how difficult!

[befuddled11]

This all reminds me of a post from several months back...where a woman posted that she'd recently married a guy who had a son the same age as hers (about 12)....and how for whatever reason, she and her son hadn't yet moved in with new-hubby and his son.....and how new-hubby and son were very crude and into porn and talk of sex (the guy having very open, frank, crude talk and references to sex with his child).....and her feeling she'd made a mistake by marrying this guy, because her son was miserable with this new husband's son..and what a bad influence he was....and something, too, about meddlesome older women in the neighborhood..who would just barge into new-hubby's home. Sounds sort of familiar to your post, but anyway...

 

You wrote:

 

Both me and my son hate his kid and can't stand going to their house or neighborhood. My SO has no control over his son and doesn't have a clue what to do. This proves to me he hasn't got a handle on his child and I am considering ending the relationship because of his son.

 

Of course you need to leave this relationship..I mean, you and your son HATE your SO's son. It's not fair to this boy to have people in his life (you and your son) who hate him..and it doesn't make sense for you and your son to remain in a situation where you have such contempt. Sounds like a bad deal all the way around.

 

If my grade 6, at that age, if your SO doesn't appear to have any control of his son, it ain't gonna start now. Things will only progressively become worse as he becomes a teenager, you can bank on that. And if you were to marry and you and your son moved into their home (or shared a home), if you feel that your SO's son doesn't like having to share the spotlight now, imagine how horrible it would be for you all to move in.

 

It just doesn't sound like a good situation at all. Hate to say it but a lot of single Dads drop the ball when it comes to disciplining their children and enforcing rules and boundaries. I've dated 3 guys who had kids....and the kids were rotten, and I didn't blame the kids really......the most of it was because the Dads could "never say no" and they let the kids run wild......the kids were mouthy, bratty, no respect, swore, got their own way all the time, broke rules and there were never any repercussions.....it was the Dad's fault each time. A lot of the reason I got out of these relationships......because in 2 of them, I was starting to feel resentment toward the bratty kids....and I knew that as the "outsider", I'd never have a say or part in teaching these kids discipline or respect or manners..that it was "too late" anyway......and not being their true parent, they wouldn't give a crap what I'd say anyway....and no matter what, their own Dad was also clueless.