wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Backstory: My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We get along very well, we are in love, talk about our future together, etc. We have a great time everytime we get together, talk about moving in together in the near future, etc. We have both had a few serious relationships in our lives, delt with cheaters before, etc. I myself have never cheated, and she tells me the same. I have heard stories about her ex (2 years ago) and how bad of a guy he was. Disrespectful, would never talk about his feelings, always let her down at the last minute, threatened to break up due to not having enough sex, etc. Any time that she has referenced him it has been in a negative way so I have never worried about the "what if's" with him. A few nights ago when she was asleep I read one of her texts to one of her girlfriends. She said lately she has been thinking a lot about her ex that she broke up with 2 years ago, and that she wants to call him and ask him to coffee, but doesnt even know what she would say. Her friend replied saying something to the affect of: "I don't think your boyfriend would like that, aren't you guys talking about getting engaged? Unless things are going stale in your relationship, I think you're just stressed about the move" (she is moving across town and starting a new job in a month). My girlfriend replied and said "You make so much sense". Their conversation tapered off with mindless chatter. Over the next few days I casually brought up our past relationships. I told her how once in a while I email/text a long term ex (6 years) to see how she is doing (she already knew I do this). I understand the need to contact long term ex's just to see how their life is going. She said that she could care less what her ex (the 2 year ago ex) was doing with his life, and she hasn't had contact with him since they broke up. This is what makes me wonder... What confuses me is whether or not she was thinking about him in a romantic way, or in a "is he still alive" way. I am also perplexed on why she would tell her friend she is thinking of him, yet tell me she hates him. Possibly so I would have absolutely no reason to think she is cheating, when she in fact is? Also, yes, I have insecurity problems, and should not have been reading her texts in the first place but I did. Link to post Share on other sites
sareem81 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 So, you read her text, the majority of us have done that. Just please do not do it again. She is allowed to think of her ex, why she didn't tell you when the opportunity arose, could be down to her feeling she may hurt your feelings, her being unsure herself or embarrassed, or wants to pretend she never thought it. Try and move past it and remember, you guys are planning a future together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 ROFL, she is likely already in contact with this ex, maybe has met him for coffee, maybe even more. Don't be naive, that she actually wrote it down in texts to her friend says the wheels are already spinning. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. A woman worth your while wouldn't even be thinking this way, let alone putting it in writing to friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 How would you suggest me going about this situation? Admit to reading her texts? Then she would come back with "you're thinking into it too much, I was just curious to how he is doing, yadda yadda". What are some options here? Just break up without any substantial proof? Wait for me to catch her? I need some ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 ROFL, she is likely already in contact with this ex, maybe has met him for coffee, maybe even more. Don't be naive, that she actually wrote it down in texts to her friend says the wheels are already spinning. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. A woman worth your while wouldn't even be thinking this way, let alone putting it in writing to friends. I very much doubt it. I believe all she has done is what the OP say in the text. Women tell each other everything, if she had met him or even spoke to him, her friend would know and the texts would've been different. OP, I can see why you're a bit upset but you shouldn't be looking through her phone. I think it's human nature to want to know our ex's are doing OK, or even old friends etc, it doesn't mean there is anything romantic going on. She also said 'you're so right' to her friend who suggested she is just stressed over moving. This is a good sign. Try not to worry about it but to be honest the only thing that would concern me is that she was considering meeting for coffee. That does seem a bit strange but who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Well seeing as I do not know her intent it's hard for me to take action. It could be her wanting to meet for coffee and catch up, or her to meet for coffee and tell her how much she misses him, wants him back, etc. Which would be stange to me considering all the things she has told me about this guy, but her wanting to contact him initially is strange enough because everytime she mentions him she says how much she hates him and how he is a complete ********* and she could care less about how he is doing. Any suggestions are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Well seeing as I do not know her intent it's hard for me to take action. It could be her wanting to meet for coffee and catch up, or her to meet for coffee and tell her how much she misses him, wants him back, etc. Which would be stange to me considering all the things she has told me about this guy, but her wanting to contact him initially is strange enough because everytime she mentions him she says how much she hates him and how he is a complete ********* and she could care less about how he is doing. Any suggestions are welcome. I'm 99% sure it's the first one and not this, if she misses him chances are her friend would already know, and even if she didn't your girlfriend wouldn't reply with 'you're so right' when her friend said she's just stressed at moving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I am just a bit confused on why she would want to catch up, even though everytime we discuss ex's she says how much she hates him and doesn't care how he's doing. I told her that I talked with an ex on the phone for a few minutes to catch up, see how her family is doing, etc. I explained how it's good to keep in touch with someone you were so close with, just because you were also so close with their family. She replied with saying she doesn't think twice about him. So if she's just worried about the move, what would contacting him have to do with anything. Also, our relationship seems to be fine. I mean...she tells me daily she can't wait to marry me, I'm the perfect guy, no one has ever treated her this way, etc. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I am just a bit confused on why she would want to catch up, even though everytime we discuss ex's she says how much she hates him and doesn't care how he's doing. I told her that I talked with an ex on the phone for a few minutes to catch up, see how her family is doing, etc. I explained how it's good to keep in touch with someone you were so close with, just because you were also so close with their family. She replied with saying she doesn't think twice about him. So if she's just worried about the move, what would contacting him have to do with anything. Also, our relationship seems to be fine. I mean...she tells me daily she can't wait to marry me, I'm the perfect guy, no one has ever treated her this way, etc. What do you think? She might be saying that so she doesn't hurt your feelings, I don't know. I don't know her so can't say. Re: why would she want to check up on him... When I first joined the forum I was getting lots of texts from my ex, I was in no contact with her after she dumped me, when I asked why she was doing it someone replied that she may miss me, but that is only natural after being close to someone for however long. It doesn't mean she wants me or cares about me romantically, it could just be her trying to ease her guilt or get an ego boost, or simply wanting to find out how I am. It could be a number of reasons but I personally don't think you have anything to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I am just a bit confused on why she would want to catch up, even though everytime we discuss ex's she says how much she hates him and doesn't care how he's doing. I told her that I talked with an ex on the phone for a few minutes to catch up, see how her family is doing, etc. I explained how it's good to keep in touch with someone you were so close with, just because you were also so close with their family. She replied with saying she doesn't think twice about him. So if she's just worried about the move, what would contacting him have to do with anything. Also, our relationship seems to be fine. I mean...she tells me daily she can't wait to marry me, I'm the perfect guy, no one has ever treated her this way, etc. What do you think? How long was she going out with this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 19 months...lived together for 4. Link to post Share on other sites
Migsy Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi, Just read your comments, I'd let it go and perhaps watch it from a distance. When I met my gf, now ex gf, she was in an open relationship and after we were involved for about a week, she told me to stay away while he flew up from |California to be with her and convince her to stay with him. A whole week, no contact... then he left and she called me up and we were together for a pretty rough 8-12 months due to trust issues. So this gf of yours has done nothing wrong. But let me give you this advice: Do not go looking for problems! Do not look on her phone! Emails, computer or anything like that; I did and I regret it because it only compounded my insecurity issies which developed through the intial start of our relationship. Love her... and she'll think of you... Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 19 months...lived together for 4. So she put up with his 'disrespect' for all that time and even moved in with him. Do you know how it ended? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 She said everything started going downhill when they moved in together. She has told me that looking back she realized how he just wasn't a good boyfriend, never did anything special for her, never a weekend out of town, etc. It ended with him admitting that he never saw a future together, never wanted to get married, have kids, etc. He just said those things to make her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 She said everything started going downhill when they moved in together. She has told me that looking back she realized how he just wasn't a good boyfriend, never did anything special for her, never a weekend out of town, etc. It ended with him admitting that he never saw a future together, never wanted to get married, have kids, etc. He just said those things to make her happy. Well there are several possibilities here and you've already mentioned them. Either she just wants to know how he's getting on in life, like a curiosity about people from the past. Or, she may be bored and looking for a bit of fun with her ex. Or, she's never really got over him and how he never committed to her. Or, she may have some jitters about moving forward, like a "what if?", and is looking to see if she has really got over him. The fact that she hasn't mentioned this to you even though you've brought up the subject means that she's being deceptive. It may be that she genuinely doesn't want to hurt your feelings by making you think it's something it's not or it may be that she doesn't want to reveal what's really going on in her mind. So there's a lot of unanswered questions here and it's causing a niggling doubt in your mind, which is why you've started this thread. It's not going to go away without some answers. I think you need to have a talk about this, pick a time when there's no distractions and start asking her about it. Yes you're going to have to tell her you looked at her phone but don't let her turn that into the main issue. She has probably looked at your phone as well, couples do this kind of thing. If you're going to commit yourself to someone and make plans for the future then you're entitled to know what you're getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 She said everything started going downhill when they moved in together. She has told me that looking back she realized how he just wasn't a good boyfriend, never did anything special for her, never a weekend out of town, etc. It ended with him admitting that he never saw a future together, never wanted to get married, have kids, etc. He just said those things to make her happy. The fact she "hates" him may not be a good sign... it may mean she still cares about him (at least what he thinks about her... perhaps her ego wants to know if he ever cared about her [how could anyone treat her that way/not desire her if she didn't deserve it?]), albeit, likely in some twisted way. Orrr she puts him down because she's in denial about her true feelings / doesn't want you to know about them. In one of my relationships, the guy smack-talked a girl that he ended up cheating on me with not saying that's what's going on in your relationship, it's just one of the many possibilities. On the other hand, I also tend to agree with Ginger that telling her friend "you're so right" is a positive sign. I doubt she has already been seeing him and was "fishing" from her friend for validation without confession... that's some extreme paranoia there, even for me =p... fact is, if you can't trust her, it doesn't matter if she hasn't seen him. Unless you can come to grips with what you do know --- (that she has thought about her ex recently) --- then maybe setting some more defined boundaries with her openly will help allay your concerns. If you can, I second Migsy with just trying to watch from the distance and additionally just giving her the benefit of doubt (at least for the time being). Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Wiggum, why did you look at her texts in the first place? Had she just given you along diatribe a few hours before she fell asleep about what a jackwagon her ex was? Sounds more like a Deflection maneuver on her part...kind of like us addicts when we go to N.A. and start telling newbies in the program our war stories about how terrible it was when we were using...we take a step backwards at the same time and remember just how good a particular hit felt and maybe look down at our arm and have a moment of longing for the rig...stupidly... Point I am making is that people tend to do a lot of projecting like that when they are not taking things seriously...even when they are taking it seriously they still have a tendency to do it. Probably a good way to decipher a little better is to not bring up this guy in any way shape or form for the next 2 weeks...people with ulterior motives tend to bring up things to facetiously give comfort to their partner...as in telling you what a jackwagon this guy was and drawing it out...thereby attempting to cover up the fact she still has unresolved feelings for Douchebaglio and is conflicted about contacting him "for coffee"..... so if all of a sudden she brings him up out of nowhere again and starts talking smack about how terrible he was.....then you got a problem. Just saying its pretty standard procedure... As for looking at the phone, your gut was telling you something wasn't right...go with the gut... I understand where people are saying give her the benefit of the doubt, just remember that you may also be giving her enough rope to hang herself with too... Edited August 31, 2011 by Space Ritual typo Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 ****I understand where people are saying give her the benefit of the doubt, just remember that you may also be giving her enough rope to hang herself with too...**** Umm, yes, but he is at the moment investing in the relationship. It's better to know sooner rather than later whether she feels the same. Link to post Share on other sites
TBH Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 be aware that your insecurity issue which lead you to read her texts (seemingly with no reason to suspect) will display itself in other ways, possibly leading your GF to feel you are insecure with the relationship. this can happen even subconciously and can make the other person feel insecure in the relationship which in turn can make a person wonder about a person they knew before. not because they want them but because its something which they experienced in their life before. i'm not saying this is what is happening with you but insecurity affects both partners even if only one has the issue to begin with. Reading texts, emails etc. is never a good thing because if you are an insecure or suspicious person many completely innocent comments can be taken the wrong way and you'll just end up getting more and more suspicious, plus if you confront her and she denies what you are accusing, all you will be thinking is 'well she would say that' so she cant ever truely prove she's innocent. I know its hard to trust but remember you're invading her privacy. its not all about you and what you want! keep your nose out! Link to post Share on other sites
cupcakekk Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 i wouldnt worry too much. you already contact your ex gf so why should you care if she does? my ex i pretty much hate as well but ive heard hes going down a pretty dark path and am pretty upset about it. do i care about him? no but i guess deep down it's really sad seeing someone you used to love and care about so much destroy their life. so if it's really bothering her you must be honest with her. i mean that's kinda an invasion of privacy reading her texts but if you guys are going to be living together and getting married you must knows whats going on. for me tho i think there isn;t much to worry about espcially with "you are so right" to the friend who said dont you think your bf wouldn't be too happy? lol Link to post Share on other sites
cloud10 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Sounds like she ain't happy. Also for the lady that said do not look in her phone ever again is completely wrong. If you suspect something - investigate. She is obviously not happy in some way shape or form. That's how I caught my ex cheating was texting. Sneaky women. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierce85 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Even her friend thought it was a bad idea for her to be meeting this guy and knew you wouldn't like it. She thought it was either a sign of stress or that she isn't happy in the relationship. Let's put aside the fact you looked through her texts for now. If she had met this guy for coffee and didn't say anything to you, how would that make you feel? Keep that in mind when you're asking her to be your wife. It's hard to make a proposal to someone that you're not sure is completely invested in the relationship. I wouldn't say it's worth a break up, but you definately need to have a talk with her about each other's feelings before getting engaged. You have to know where she stands with you and the fact that she's downplaying her feelings for this guy is not a good sign. She knows she's being deceptive and that's not good for the relationship at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wiggum Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Thanks for all the input. I will be watching things from a distance and keeping everyone's suggestions in the back of my head. She does know I am insecure so either she didn't want to tell me because she knows I would get upset, or something else is going on... Well see how the upcoming weeks play out. Thanks again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts