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[veryalone]

Hi, i need some advice from people who may have been through what i have over the last few days. Here goes...

 

I am due to get married in 8 months time, i have been with my partner for 7 years.

Over a cup of tea 3 days ago my fiance confessed he has had an affair and he may have got this girl pregnant. As you can imagine i am more than gutted. He has said it is not an attraction thing and he has tried to explaine to me the reasons of how it has come about. I have not stayed around to listen to it all, but i have had my sister go talk to him and try to understand.

It transpires that over a long period of time, this woman has been threatening him at work over email text and face to face, that if he doesnt do what she says she will cry Rape, and tell everyone what he has done, he is very scared of her and of the outcome. There may not even be a pregnancy as she refuses to do a test that he can see. there is also the fact that he has now confesses to self harming because he is so depressed about thing that have happened in his past, Childhood, Parenting and bullying. He is going to go see a therapist and the doctor and he is going to find a new job, change his number and try to get sorted.

 

My dilemma is this, do i stay around and try to help him, as he is my life and my love. i feel so ashamed i didnt know about the depression he is obviously in, and i missed signs of self harming.

do i go home and go to Counselling together to try and get passed all this. I want to but there is something in the back of my mind saying he must have started this affaire with the intention of it leading somewhere.

 

please advise.

 

thanks. x

[smudge21]

The question is, did he confess this due to his love for you and wanting to be honest, or due to the fact he's being threatened and this other woman may cause problems.

 

My take on affairs and cheating has always been simple - often many of us will do it, get a bit of grass is greener syndrome. It all depends on how we react afterwards. If it hurts and we feel upset, go rushing back to our partners then that says the relationship is strong and means something - you've realised what it is you almost lost. I cheated once, felt terrible but it showed me what was important. I never told her as it was a one off and wouldn't have helped the relationship any. I felt bad, that was enough. I learned my lesson.

 

However, if we cheat and don't have those same feelings or regrets and carry on doing it without remorse than it shows simply that the relationship means little to us. If we don't feel bad about hurting our partners, how can we honestly say we love them. To me, that's an indication that things are not going to work out. The couple can try to seek help, discuss things, but often it's beyond repair.

 

I know a few people who are together and yet one half keeps on cheating, but the other half keeps taking them back. There's no love there anymore on either side - as if you loved someone you wouldn't cheat repeatedly nor, on the other side, would you be able to still be with them after they've cheated. It would hurt too much. Plus, all respect goes, and you need respect to build a strong relationship...amongst other things.

 

With all that said, you have to decide what is important to you. You have to consider your own feelings not his - he caused this problem himself. Now if you decide to stick with him and work this out then I truly hope it goes well and you can get through it, but you will be accepting his past and putting it behind you. Councelling can help with that. You can't take him back, agree to be married and then use the fact he cheated against him in the future. Basically you will have to forgive and forget, if you can.

 

7 years is a lot to throw away, but then by cheating, many will say he's already done that. Many will also say that once a cheater always a cheater. I don't believe that. I think it comes down to how much you love and respect your partner, and whether the partner makes it clear enough how hurt they've been over the cheating. Your partner has to show you that he loves you now, he has to earn back your trust and respect... if that's what you want.