diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 weve been going out for several years and i only recently found out about 3 females friends, he doesnt meet up with them but texts and chats occasionaly. i was a little shocked (and sus) that in the 3 years ive not even heard their names, so i asked him to tell me if he speaks to them again, i then kept a careful eye out (ok, i snoop) and he still talks to these girls but isnt telling me even tho he knows i want to no. the texts are not flirty but why isnt he telling me when ive asked him too? i now feel he is lying to me and hiding things or going behind my back. am i over reacting or is he wrong for not telling me when he said he would? Link to post Share on other sites
Dalicias Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 First of all, you're over-reacting. My fiancee has female friends that he occasionally texts/chats with and sometimes they go out to movies, etc. Secondly, snooping is never good, because once he catches you doing it, he will feel extremely violated and the trust he has for you may be broken. Third, if he isn't being flirty with them, leave it alone. The more rifts you cause with him and the more you tell him he "needs" to tell you something, or "needs" to show you his texts/chats, the more he will not listen, because people in general don't like to be controlled. Instead, why not talk about how it makes you feel that you have never even heard of these friends of his. If you open the line of communication with him, then maybe he'll be more open with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 i did try speaking to him and he said he didnt realise i would want to know cos its boring stuff they talk about like work etc. but he agreed to tell me in future and its been twice now that he spoken to them but not told me. why did he say to me he would tell me if he has no intention of keeping his word. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Dalicias Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Men are funny creatures, you have to REMIND them constantly, whether it's to take out the garbage or tell you about the girls he's talking to. LOL I would talk to him again, and just ask him how his friends are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Personally, I am torn about your situation. OTOH, I am thinking, if you don't notice a change in behavior in front of you......he's cancelling; standing you up; nitpicking over things that earlier weren't important or just generally "not there" even when you are together....then it's obvious you have a problem. But even though it's not a problem that you encounter on a day to day basis, who's to say that he is not now or that he never will be interested in trading you in for one those friends. Perhaps someone else can reassure us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 he doesnt do anything else wrong ie stand me up, not answer his phone. i trust him enough to no its not him cheating etc. but he will tell me when his male friends and him speak just not these female ones. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you about them. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you about them. That's obvious. Can you offer a possible reason as to why? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Yes, I can, but I won't. Either ask him, or accept it as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 he tells me that these girls are no relevance to him, that the conversation is boring and he just didnt think id wana hear, but since he actually specifically said he will tell me in future, its a big NO that he broke his word and still not telling me Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Yes, I can, but I won't. Either ask him, or accept it as it is. that's not helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 not helpful indeed! Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 is it just me or if he said he will tell me in future and has no intention of going thru with it then he is sooo wrong for pretending he will tell me in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. I don't know enough about either party. We could speculate on his feelings and thoughts, and yours / hers, muse the motive behind snooping, what drives the gut feeling to raise the question here and so and so forth. It will not help and it may well possibly cause harm by planting seeds of doubt or otherwise stressing you / her out. What do we know as a fact? One, he's in contact with other women. Two, you / she don't like this. Three, you know he's not told you what he said he would. So tell him you don't like it and you don't like that he's broken his word, that it has upset you and what you would like to happen. As I see it, you have two issues. Try keep them separate. The word-keeping and the talking to other human beings are best considered separately IMO. That's all we can all do. Edited August 30, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 This seems to be a common issue and there have been several threads that discuss the difficulties some couples face when navigating the prospect of having friends of the opposite sex. I don't see it as a problem. I have male friends, my boyfriend has female friends. He has an ex who still calls to talk to him once in a while and they sometimes chat for more than an hour. I have an old close male friend that I keep in touch with and even visit from time to time. I don't tell my boyfriend every time I text or email a male friend, and I don't expect him to do that either. I don't see it as anything to worry about. You seem to be trying to address several things at once - what exactly is bothering you here diamondette? Is it that he had friends that you didn't know about? Or that he has female friends at all? Or that he didn't make it a point to list these women as friends? You may feel like he was "hiding something" by not telling you about the women he keeps in touch with, but keep in mind that sometimes people (both men and women) do that because they worry their significant other is going to overreact. The problem then becomes that in not divulging that he has these friends it looks like the might be hiding something, even when he's not. If these are old friends, and you've been together for several years with no problems, I suggest not making a mountain out of a molehill on this one. I'm also confused as to what you expect from him now that you know about these friends. You seem to want him to tell you every time he talks to or texts them - that seems a little heavy handed to me. While he doesn't need to hide these women from you, you don't want to start interrogating him about every person he contacts. You've said you're "keeping a careful eye out", and that you snoop - that generally only leads to trouble. While I don't condone lying, I also don't condone violating someone's right to privacy. You need to talk to him about setting up some reasonable expectations that allow him the freedom to have friends and privacy in a way that alleviates your worries. You need to discuss this together and find a solution that makes you both comfortable. And you need to stop the snooping. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 finch thats great advise. the reason i began the snooping is that we broke up last year for 2 months, in that time he slept with my collegue and didnt tell me. we got back together and guess how i found out- she turned up on the door step one morning whilst we were in bed screaming that shes pregnant with his baby and he has been ignoring her texts.. he new for 6 weeks whilst we got bk together that he had gotten another girl pregnant. i asked him about it and he said it was a stupid one night stand rebound thing, i asked him to look me in the eye and promise that was all it was, he did that. a week later i found out he had slept with her 3 three times! i then asked him to promise that was all, then a week later i found a new phone he got and he had texting her whilst he was seeing me.. he wasnt texting her to be romantic etc he was asking her to leave him alone etc etc. (BTW turns out the baby was black-not his!) anyway so thats y i have trust issues with him... he has lied to my face over and over again, not cheated! but lied and broken promises. this was a long time ago and i cannot let the past go.. these girls that he texts and doesnt tell me about makes me think hes lieing again and ill get hurt again. i no he wouldnt cheat on me, i no i mean more than that to him but its the lies (even innocent ones) that hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 finch thats great advise. the reason i began the snooping is that we broke up last year for 2 months, in that time he slept with my collegue and didnt tell me. we got back together and guess how i found out- she turned up on the door step one morning whilst we were in bed screaming that shes pregnant with his baby and he has been ignoring her texts.. he new for 6 weeks whilst we got bk together that he had gotten another girl pregnant. i asked him about it and he said it was a stupid one night stand rebound thing, i asked him to look me in the eye and promise that was all it was, he did that. a week later i found out he had slept with her 3 three times! i then asked him to promise that was all, then a week later i found a new phone he got and he had texting her whilst he was seeing me.. he wasnt texting her to be romantic etc he was asking her to leave him alone etc etc. (BTW turns out the baby was black-not his!) anyway so thats y i have trust issues with him... he has lied to my face over and over again, not cheated! but lied and broken promises. this was a long time ago and i cannot let the past go.. these girls that he texts and doesnt tell me about makes me think hes lieing again and ill get hurt again. i no he wouldnt cheat on me, i no i mean more than that to him but its the lies (even innocent ones) that hurt. After all this, I cannot understand why you even bother. Let him be the good dad he should be. HE may even marry the mother of his child. My sister dated a single for a few years. Ok, it took a few more years, but he finally married the mother his child. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 He doesn't have a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 he doesnt have a child! he comes with alot of baggage. he is ex army and has PTSD, he has been on anti depressants for 5 years for it. so he cannot "cope" with fights and rows. 99% of the time we are a great and happy couple but yeah i am needy sometimes and need reassurance (cos of his **** up in the past) but he has so much on his plate with his mental health that if i do bring up my problems he cant deal with it Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 It was pretty crappy that out of ALL the women on earth, this jerk had to hook up with a colleague of YOURS. That's just pig behavior and a blatant 'f*ck you' right in your face. That would be reason enough not to get back with him - never mind the CONSTANT lies about it. Since he's a very capable LIAR, how do you know these female "friends" have been around since before he met you? Maybe they became "friends" in the last year or two and he's lying once again. If he's that capable of being a scumbag and putting the screws to you by hooking up with someone in your immediate workplace, then he's capable of doing a whole lot more than you give him credit for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author diamondette Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 we all worked together at the time so it was his collegue aswell... and u no whats worse! i said to him "oh ive got some gossip, guess what, Ninas pregnant!" he said "oh really?" and u he knew all along it was (thought of) his!!!!!! i no these girls are old school friends from the texts, and he has mentioned me to them. they even asked us to all go out in london one day in the future- he agreed! so i dont think its him being unfaithful Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 do you want to live the rest of your life wondering if he's lying? he can't deal with stress so you can't resolve issues when they come up (and they will come up.) hard life ahead with this guy. if you're not hopelessly attached, you might be better moving on with someone who can make you feel secure. goodluck either way! Link to post Share on other sites
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