daisy love Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You guys know that my lover has been having trouble with wife over the settlement. My lover went to LA to try to smooth things over with the wife. He came home to me. I ran into his arms, and we made passionate love like we always do. I didn't want to pry about how things went, cuz you guys told me to back off. The curiosity got me, so wwhen we were in the kitchen making a post lovemaking snack, I made a joke about how much he must have missed me. Because the sex was soooo great! He told me that at first, she was aloof whatever that means. Then guess what? He went to her place that was their place before. They drank some wine and talked about old times. I was totally down wit that, but then.......... he said they had BREAKUP SEX!!!! He said he only did it because she wanted it and he thought she'd be more cooperative about stuff if he did her. He said he didn't enjoy it, it was like shagging a cold fish. He reassured me that everything is ok. He still loves me and wants to be with me forever. I am sad, but I am trying real hard not to let it show. If you guys are gonna tell me to just tell my lover to beat it, forget about it! I want to know how to let this go and if I should worry. I told him I wanted to go to LA with him next time because I don't want him near her anymore! OWs out there! Pls help me! Is this a normal part of the divorce process? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Sorry I'm not an OW. But, I've read tons of stories and done a lot of 'research' about how affairs work. I'd say that it's not "normal" in a situation where he's really working to end the marriage. It certainly is standard practice where he intends to remain on the fence and keep BOTH relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Many spouses who are divorcing and/or separating still do have sex. It's familiar territory. So, either your MM is lying to you and playing you (both), wanting to keep the A going, have you on the side and stay married, or he just was honest, had sex with his wife for old times sake and there truly is an impending divorce. Just know that she didn't hold a gun to his head, he wasn't forced into having sex with her, he let it happen so if you feel like you want to blame her for this, don't. It takes two. Honestly, you should worry. How do you know it's not going to happen again? It's obvious you feel doubtful and some mistrust.. You can't dictate what he does, or tell him you're going to be by his side next time he sees his wife. That's just going to piss him off and make him back off of you. BUT, if you explain why you feel insecure, mistrustful of him and the fact he is still intimate with his wife, how it hurts you to know this, then possibly he'll make plans not to see her at their house and see her in a public place. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I wouldn't worry about it too much, breakup sex is just a stepping stone to ex sex! Since she lives away it shouldn't be all that often, and you'll have a headsup before it happens. You just worry about keeping that man happy, it'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Sorry Daisy, but I doubt he hated it as much as he's telling you. Wow, what a do gooder, he had charity sex with his wife. I'm not even saying to dump him, but at least see it for what it was and don't fool yourself into thinking that he actually got it up and stuck it into someone he wasn't remotely attracted to. If he was completely repulsed by her - he wouldn't have even been able to get it up. The only reason his wife probably wanted to sleep with him most likely wasn't to get closure through sex, it was to prove to herself that she'll do to you what you did to her - she'll get him to cheat on you just like he cheated on her with you - and she accomplished that. Ask yourself, are you ok with being with someone that's so charitable with his sexual offerings? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If he's divorcing her and you guys are planning a life together you just got cheated on. Congrats though. You're the BS now. I wonder how long before she's in here talking about her lover and the ditz he's shacked up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy love Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Many spouses who are divorcing and/or separating still do have sex. It's familiar territory. So, either your MM is lying to you and playing you (both), wanting to keep the A going, have you on the side and stay married, or he just was honest, had sex with his wife for old times sake and there truly is an impending divorce. Just know that she didn't hold a gun to his head, he wasn't forced into having sex with her, he let it happen so if you feel like you want to blame her for this, don't. It takes two. Honestly, you should worry. How do you know it's not going to happen again? It's obvious you feel doubtful and some mistrust.. You can't dictate what he does, or tell him you're going to be by his side next time he sees his wife. That's just going to piss him off and make him back off of you. BUT, if you explain why you feel insecure, mistrustful of him and the fact he is still intimate with his wife, how it hurts you to know this, then possibly he'll make plans not to see her at their house and see her in a public place.He said he told me because he loves me and respects me and he wouldn't hide anything from me. That's good. He knows I would end our relationship if I found out that he didn't tell me. He also said he was just playing nice so she'll sign the papers. He also said the beautiful house he bought for her now looks like a shack because she's a slob and he said she had put on a few pounds too. He also said that he wouldn't have been able to get it up unless he drank the wine. He's been real happy and not agitated as much. She hasn't been calling either. Maybe it really was a goodbye ****? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy love Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 If he's divorcing her and you guys are planning a life together you just got cheated on. Congrats though. You're the BS now. I wonder how long before she's in here talking about her lover and the ditz he's shacked up with.That's not very nice. Haven't you ever had one last goodbye **** with a BF? Do you get BFs with that attitude? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 That's not very nice. Haven't you ever had one last goodbye **** with a BF? Do you get BFs with that attitude? I don't find many of your posts very nice either so there you go. No I haven't had one last goodbye #### with a BF. Once I say goodbye I mean it. Normally I get them with my sense of humor and winning smile. The attitude and strength just helps keep them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy love Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I wouldn't worry about it too much, breakup sex is just a stepping stone to ex sex! Since she lives away it shouldn't be all that often, and you'll have a headsup before it happens. You just worry about keeping that man happy, it'll be fine.Hee hee! He did say he was taking one for the team! Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 He said he told me because he loves me and respects me and he wouldn't hide anything from me. That's good. He knows I would end our relationship if I found out that he didn't tell me. He also said he was just playing nice so she'll sign the papers. He also said the beautiful house he bought for her now looks like a shack because she's a slob and he said she had put on a few pounds too. He also said that he wouldn't have been able to get it up unless he drank the wine. He's been real happy and not agitated as much. She hasn't been calling either. Maybe it really was a goodbye ****? That'll teach her. Keep the house in a mess and gain weight. I think any man's reaction would be to sleep with her to show her a lesson. Maybe it wasn't a goodbye ####. He may be happy and she may be quiet because he's convinced her that he's figuring out how to leave you and get back with her. He was playing nice so she'd sign the papers. What a great guy. But he told you so it has to be ok. Seriously Daisy from the outside it looks like you're being made to play the fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hee hee! He did say he was taking one for the team! Wow...this makes me wonder who was "driving" here? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hee hee! He did say he was taking one for the team! As long as you don't mind him cheating on you. He's already manipulating you and you're falling right into place. Think about it Daisy. This is no good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hee hee! He did say he was taking one for the team! Aww, see there! What a guy! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You guys know that my lover has been having trouble with wife over the settlement. My lover went to LA to try to smooth things over with the wife. He came home to me. I ran into his arms, and we made passionate love like we always do. I didn't want to pry about how things went, cuz you guys told me to back off. The curiosity got me, so wwhen we were in the kitchen making a post lovemaking snack, I made a joke about how much he must have missed me. Because the sex was soooo great! He told me that at first, she was aloof whatever that means. Then guess what? He went to her place that was their place before. They drank some wine and talked about old times. I was totally down wit that, but then.......... he said they had BREAKUP SEX!!!! He said he only did it because she wanted it and he thought she'd be more cooperative about stuff if he did her. He said he didn't enjoy it, it was like shagging a cold fish. He reassured me that everything is ok. He still loves me and wants to be with me forever. I am sad, but I am trying real hard not to let it show. If you guys are gonna tell me to just tell my lover to beat it, forget about it! I want to know how to let this go and if I should worry. I told him I wanted to go to LA with him next time because I don't want him near her anymore! OWs out there! Pls help me! Is this a normal part of the divorce process? What's the point of this thread? You have already decided that he can cheat on you and he'll face no repercussions. And since you won't entertain jettisoning him there is nothing anyone here can say. Maybe tell him sternly "No, bad dog"? You are, believe it or not, better served in the infidelity forum where other BS (that's you btw) struggle with it. You can't stop him from cheating again so either leave or deal with it. But please pay heed to this: he is ( and has been I bet) been treating you like his W. Be careful or you'll end just like her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 He said he told me because he loves me and respects me and he wouldn't hide anything from me. That's good. He knows I would end our relationship if I found out that he didn't tell me. He also said he was just playing nice so she'll sign the papers. He also said the beautiful house he bought for her now looks like a shack because she's a slob and he said she had put on a few pounds too. He also said that he wouldn't have been able to get it up unless he drank the wine. He's been real happy and not agitated as much. She hasn't been calling either. Maybe it really was a goodbye ****? If he loved you and respected you, he wouldn't have slept with her. PERIOD. Ahh, so he is manipulating and lying to her, having sex with her to keep her sane. Hmm, me thinks that he's fooling you, telling you what you want to hear. Sorry Daisy but a man who is about to divorce his wife, has sex with her, yet comes back and reports back to you that him sleeping with her was a ploy, he thought she looked like she's put weight on and the house was mess, he needed to get drunk to sleep with her.. doesn't act the way he does. He's bending the truth to suit him best and it's a shame you can't see that. This guy has you pegged, that's for sure! Well, time will tell as to how this truly pans out. A divorce or just a stalling way for him to keep the A going and for him to stay married. Why haven't you called her and asked her directly WTF is going on? I say, do it, then you'll know what's what. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hee hee! He did say he was taking one for the team! And how are you going to feel when he takes one for the team next time? Something to think about because chances are, it WILL happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Alcohol actually makes it harder (pun intended) for a man to get an erection. I'm not buying it. I think you're fooling yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Wow, DaisyLove. Looks like he isn't as devoted to you and your future as he claims to be... do you really buy into that break up sex horsesh**? I can't believe he told you! What an idiot... unless he wants you to get the hint that his M is not really over. Why don't you let him know how pissed you are. THEN you will know if he is for real or just playing you. Just playing you is my suspicion. BUT are you strong enough to walk away from this guy, anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If he loved you and respected you, he wouldn't have slept with her. PERIOD. Exactly. And Daisy, no it's not normal for someone who is madly in love with someone to have sex with someone else . . . whether that's their supposedly soon to be ex wife, or already ex wife, or ANYONE. It's disrespectful & it's cheating. But you come here & say you're okay with it, so, fine . . . you are okay with your partner cheating on you, you are no better than the wife of his that you hate. I hope you stop talking bad about her because now you are in her exact same position . . . sharing your man with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Good grief guys! It ISN'T cheating if he tells her! He's very fortunate to have such an understanding girlfriend. He's being honest about where the boundaries are. If she's smart she'll take him up on it and have a little fun on the side as well! Geesh! Hasn't anyone heard of an open relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I will answer this question from the position of a married man who divorced his wife and married his affair partner. NO. This is not normal behavior. I would never have betrayed my love, my other woman this way. I would never have risked our relationship or hurting her. No way. No how. Never. Nada. Nope. Any questions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy love Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Alcohol actually makes it harder (pun intended) for a man to get an erection. I m not buying it. I think you're fooling yourself.haven't you guys ever heard of beer goggles? Why is it so hard to believe that he did it so we can be together faster? Edited August 30, 2011 by daisy love Oops! I spelled googles wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Good grief guys! It ISN'T cheating if he tells her! He's very fortunate to have such an understanding girlfriend. He's being honest about where the boundaries are. If she's smart she'll take him up on it and have a little fun on the side as well! Geesh! Hasn't anyone heard of an open relationship? Our open M operates on discussing things before anything happens, certainly before any sex. Others may have different boundaries, but it is all a matter of expectations. If Daisy expected MM not to have sex with his sbtxw and he had lead her to have that expectation, then that has nothing to do with an open R. And if they had agreed to an exclusive R, then it is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 haven't you guys ever heard of beer goggles? Why is it so hard to believe that he did it so we can be together faster? Daisy, you have rose coloured glasses and blinders on. I do feel for you because you're going to be floored and in total shock when the truth of what's been going on under your nose hits you. CALL HER. Do it. See what she says and see how he reacts to you calling his wife. The reaction will speak for itself. Link to post Share on other sites
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