I think its over for good this time!

[half_ofa_heart]

I understand what you are saying here. Its like we aren't supposed to grieve because we were the OW, we were the 3rd wheel and should have "known better", and since he has been so horribly cruel to us why in gods green earth would we miss that and grieve??? We should be dancing in the streets to have gotten rid of at ass. But, we did love them, DEEPLY. For what ever reason, and we do miss them, DEEPLY.

It is the hardest thing in the world. To love and miss someone that is so harmful to us. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know you are doing better, but there are those times. I had one of those saturday morning as well. OUt of the blue....boom!!! Cried like a baby and had been doing so well.

 

Do you think its bad to write the letter s when you are sad too though??? It would be a way to get your emotions out. You have to grieve this, or you will never get over it. I've been holding that back for years, and I think thats why I'm in the spot I am. Also, if you did write them, you could see your progress. I'm sure your sad/missing letters will be fewer and farther between a month from now. And it might help you to see your progress. Does that make sense???

 

So how are you doing today?

 

Oh I had a VERY VERY rough day on Friday morning; my first day all to myself (I was off and the kids were at school) so it was the only day that I could get lost in my emotions and boy did i!!!!! I cried my eyes out and I called him

 

In a way, it was a good thing that I did. I got the answers I needed for closure. I know this isn't easy for him either but we both know its what has to be. I flat out asked him if he ever saw himself leaving his wife - his answer: "yes but not now or anytime soon." He went on to say his youngest was only 4 and if he left they would lose the house then where would his children live? They would have lost all of their money because they dumped it in their house which she wouldn't be able to keep on her salary alone. He said he is setting aside his happiness for the sake of his children. I wouldn't do anything different so I cannot fault him for that.

 

He is respecting my wishes and staying away from me which he has never been able to do. It has been difficult to say the least. I still look over at my phone hoping there is some glimpse of him but there never is. Every day gets a little easier but the pain of his absence is still there. I'm not angry and I don't hate him. I just know we weren't meant to work out. I hope in time I can heal and move on but know it will be hard since we move in the same circles.

 

i'm a tough cookie and know I will get thru this but not without a few battlewounds. Coming here helps but the pain is still there and I fight off tears every single day.

[wannabdone]

Oh I had a VERY VERY rough day on Friday morning; my first day all to myself (I was off and the kids were at school) so it was the only day that I could get lost in my emotions and boy did i!!!!! I cried my eyes out and I called him

 

In a way, it was a good thing that I did. I got the answers I needed for closure. I know this isn't easy for him either but we both know its what has to be. I flat out asked him if he ever saw himself leaving his wife - his answer: "yes but not now or anytime soon." He went on to say his youngest was only 4 and if he left they would lose the house then where would his children live? They would have lost all of their money because they dumped it in their house which she wouldn't be able to keep on her salary alone. He said he is setting aside his happiness for the sake of his children. I wouldn't do anything different so I cannot fault him for that.

 

He is respecting my wishes and staying away from me which he has never been able to do. It has been difficult to say the least. I still look over at my phone hoping there is some glimpse of him but there never is. Every day gets a little easier but the pain of his absence is still there. I'm not angry and I don't hate him. I just know we weren't meant to work out. I hope in time I can heal and move on but know it will be hard since we move in the same circles.

 

i'm a tough cookie and know I will get thru this but not without a few battlewounds. Coming here helps but the pain is still there and I fight off tears every single day.

 

 

Oh HOH.... I'm so sorry. I totally understand, girl!!! And YES it is good, you need to grieve and get that out, if you don't you will never get through it. I am glad you are allowing yourself that. I personally have pushed that off for years, probably not wanting to believe it was actually never going to happen and also not wanting to deal with the pain. I realize now all that did was kept me hanging on to really nothing, and enduring a lot more pain than would have been if I had just grieved and accepted it.

 

Like i've said before, it doesn't matter what the reasons are... kids, finances, loving their W, .... even if its valid reasons, its still rejection and it still hurts like hell, and i'm so sorry you are having to go through this. We wil get through it!!!! You are a touch chick!!!!!!

 

And I applaud his honesty with you. I know it hurt, and I know its not what you wanted to hear, but he allowed you to have that closure and good for him.

 

 

You don't have to fight the tears you know..... tears are good. Its all for healing you!!

 

Keep posting, and let me know how you are doing. I pray for you daily.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2sure]

Good Lord...

 

This should get you through the day and keep you from missing him:

 

Think about what it might be like to be with a man who has no need of an emotional crutch so he can whine about his day to day life and how much he is unappreciated at home.

 

I mean seriously, if a MM & OW have said the hell with it and what have you and decide to have an affair....it should consist of other things and never ever involve the MM being a cry baby biotch.

 

That should do it.

[half_ofa_heart]

Good Lord...

 

This should get you through the day and keep you from missing him:

 

Think about what it might be like to be with a man who has no need of an emotional crutch so he can whine about his day to day life and how much he is unappreciated at home.

 

I mean seriously, if a MM & OW have said the hell with it and what have you and decide to have an affair....it should consist of other things and never ever involve the MM being a cry baby biotch.

 

That should do it.

 

Gee Thanks Not quite sure if you're calling me a biotch or if your post is meant to be helpful... nonetheless, it made me feel even worse which I didn't know was possible at this moment so again, thanks!

[2sure]

OMG really?? Worse?? Sorry, I had to laugh only because that was the LAST thing I wanted to do!! Another example of my poor communication skills.

 

I meant it as...lets see:

 

Soon from now, when you are ready...you will find it absolutely refreshing to spend time with a man who enjoys your company so much, no conversations of other women or complaints of any kind ever come up while you are together.

[half_ofa_heart]

OMG really?? Worse?? Sorry, I had to laugh only because that was the LAST thing I wanted to do!! Another example of my poor communication skills.

 

I meant it as...lets see:

 

Soon from now, when you are ready...you will find it absolutely refreshing to spend time with a man who enjoys your company so much, no conversations of other women or complaints of any kind ever come up while you are together.

 

Ok, much better!!!! and yes, that would be refreshing but not even on the radar for me right now!

 

I'm just still in the state of beating myself up for letting my guard down (falling in love) in what clearly should have been a fort knox situation so the mere hint of tough love really knocks me down.

[xxoo]

He went on to say his youngest was only 4 and if he left they would lose the house then where would his children live? They would have lost all of their money because they dumped it in their house which she wouldn't be able to keep on her salary alone. He said he is setting aside his happiness for the sake of his children. I wouldn't do anything different so I cannot fault him for that..

 

I know you said you aren't angry, but can I be angry for you?

 

How are any of these facts different from when he began an affair with you? Would you have fallen in love with him if he'd pursued you in these terms?

 

Another poster made mention today of "writing checks you can't cash"....and that is what he did. He indulged in his happiness as long as he could string you along without making any real sacrifices for you. I fault him

[half_ofa_heart]

I know you said you aren't angry, but can I be angry for you?

 

By all means... go right ahead!!! I am way too emotionally drained and weak to muster up even another tear so have at it!!! I appreciate it

[wannabdone]

Ok, much better!!!! and yes, that would be refreshing but not even on the radar for me right now!

 

I'm just still in the state of beating myself up for letting my guard down (falling in love) in what clearly should have been a fort knox situation so the mere hint of tough love really knocks me down.

 

 

SISTER!!!!!! NO YOU DON'T BEAT YOURSELF FOR THAT!!!! We all have a level of blame in our situations.....ABSOLUTELY!!!! And if you didn't take accountablity for those actions, who would you be???? THEM!!!! You are such a lovely woman.... full of so many qualities, most men would give their right arm to have someone like you!!! And would be very lucky to have a woman like you!!! Don't beat yourself up for falling in love. There is nothing wrong with that. You didn't plot someone's death and then execute it. You met someone, that was unavailalble and hoped that he would become availalble. You tried and it and it didn't work. I will bet you will never get involved with another MM as long as you live.... right???? Well, there you go.... lesson learned, and you have grown. You fell into what a lot of us do.... this "perfect relationship" is going to make all the wrongs in our life right. After all that I have been through God is blessing me with this. You're human, and you simply wanted something.

 

How many times, do we look back and do the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"????? I don't think I can count that many times that I can, its just with this instance, this is one of those that is on a larger scale.

 

I'm so sorry, you are emotionally drained. I am feeling pretty strong today, so you can lean on me for that strength. Because I am sure here will be a day where the tables are turned and I will need that from you.

 

You hang in there!!!! And know how truly wonderful you are. If I can see that from just your posts on a forum, I can not imagine how much that must radiate from you in person. So, what can I do to help. Because I'm here for you!!!!

 

BIG HUGS TO YOU GIRL!!!!

[half_ofa_heart]

SISTER!!!!!! NO YOU DON'T BEAT YOURSELF FOR THAT!!!! We all have a level of blame in our situations.....ABSOLUTELY!!!! And if you didn't take accountablity for those actions, who would you be???? THEM!!!! You are such a lovely woman.... full of so many qualities, most men would give their right arm to have someone like you!!! And would be very lucky to have a woman like you!!! Don't beat yourself up for falling in love. There is nothing wrong with that. You didn't plot someone's death and then execute it. You met someone, that was unavailalble and hoped that he would become availalble. You tried and it and it didn't work. I will bet you will never get involved with another MM as long as you live.... right???? Well, there you go.... lesson learned, and you have grown. You fell into what a lot of us do.... this "perfect relationship" is going to make all the wrongs in our life right. After all that I have been through God is blessing me with this. You're human, and you simply wanted something.

 

How many times, do we look back and do the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"????? I don't think I can count that many times that I can, its just with this instance, this is one of those that is on a larger scale.

 

I'm so sorry, you are emotionally drained. I am feeling pretty strong today, so you can lean on me for that strength. Because I am sure here will be a day where the tables are turned and I will need that from you.

 

You hang in there!!!! And know how truly wonderful you are. If I can see that from just your posts on a forum, I can not imagine how much that must radiate from you in person. So, what can I do to help. Because I'm here for you!!!!

 

BIG HUGS TO YOU GIRL!!!!

 

AAAWWWWW:o:love: Thank you soooo much Wannab!!! I sooo needed that today. I pretty much feel like a zombie (the kind that no amount of coffee can shake you out of) and just getting thru the day is all I focus on. Your kind words about me were wonderful and enough to get me thru today. I'd be happy to reciprocate when needed so feel free knock on my virtual door anytime.

 

Being a control freak tends to bring along with it realizing the only person we have control over is ourselves so in times like these, we are our easiest target. In doing so, we forget about our good qualities; thanks for reminding me that I'm not an idiot. at least today

[wannabdone]

AAAWWWWW:o:love: Thank you soooo much Wannab!!! I sooo needed that today. I pretty much feel like a zombie (the kind that no amount of coffee can shake you out of) and just getting thru the day is all I focus on. Your kind words about me were wonderful and enough to get me thru today. I'd be happy to reciprocate when needed so feel free knock on my virtual door anytime.

 

Being a control freak tends to bring along with it realizing the only person we have control over is ourselves so in times like these, we are our easiest target. In doing so, we forget about our good qualities; thanks for reminding me that I'm not an idiot. at least today

 

 

I have those zombie days, where walking to the restroom exhausts you???!!! Those suck. I'm glad it made you feel better.... and btw...its the truth.

 

I know all too well about the control freak thing.... we love to beat ourselves up and yes forget those awesome qualitities. Post later on and let me know how your doing..... hugs to you, again.

[wannabdone]

HOH..... how are we holding up today?

[half_ofa_heart]

HOH..... how are we holding up today?

 

I guess a little better. I still look over at my phone every few seconds expecting to see a glimmer of him and I assume that will taper off. Do I think about him every second? Absolutely! Do I miss him? more than air! Am I doing the right thing? This I am more sure of than anything else I've ever done in my life but as many have pointed out... Doing what's right has rarely been the easiest option.

 

I have spent the last two days reading every single one of Circular's posts just because I was starving for the MM's perspective. Does it make me feel better to know that this isn't easy for him (my MM not Circular) either? in a way yes but if I knew he could easily walk away it might make my healing go a little faster. The truth is I KNOW this is hard for him as well and all that does is spark my hope for a future with him.

 

How am I? I teeter from sad and mourning his loss to hopeful that if I let him go and he no longer has me as a filler in his life for all that he's missing that he'll get the courage he needs and leave... but, that last feeling is short lived as I feel myself slap myself into reality. I am ending this because this doesn't work for ME!!!! I have to move on because no matter how much I love him and he loves me... we cannot be a couple and that isn't enough for ME!!! That is my hourly mantra to myself.

 

How about you?

[wannabdone]

I guess a little better. I still look over at my phone every few seconds expecting to see a glimmer of him and I assume that will taper off. Do I think about him every second? Absolutely! Do I miss him? more than air! Am I doing the right thing? This I am more sure of than anything else I've ever done in my life but as many have pointed out... Doing what's right has rarely been the easiest option.

 

I have spent the last two days reading every single one of Circular's posts just because I was starving for the MM's perspective. Does it make me feel better to know that this isn't easy for him (my MM not Circular) either? in a way yes but if I knew he could easily walk away it might make my healing go a little faster. The truth is I KNOW this is hard for him as well and all that does is spark my hope for a future with him.

 

How am I? I teeter from sad and mourning his loss to hopeful that if I let him go and he no longer has me as a filler in his life for all that he's missing that he'll get the courage he needs and leave... but, that last feeling is short lived as I feel myself slap myself into reality. I am ending this because this doesn't work for ME!!!! I have to move on because no matter how much I love him and he loves me... we cannot be a couple and that isn't enough for ME!!! That is my hourly mantra to myself.

 

How about you?

 

 

I hate that your going through all that. But, It sounds exactly like what I'm feeling, so its nice to know that you aren't the only one with those thoughts...you know?

 

I'm gonna have to re-read over your story. So I can get the details of it again. What is the thread called? Do you remember? Or is this the first and only one you have started?

 

I'm not looking at my phone anymore. I think of him less, but still often. I go through all of the emotions you do. Ive always said I felt like I have kept the two of the able to stay married, so wonder how that will work out. But we have done this on and off again so many times, that he thinks he will e able to come back. It really won't hit him until he tries. So, It bothers me he isn't sad.

 

How do you know your xMM is? Just curious.

[whichwayisup]

By all means... go right ahead!!! I am way too emotionally drained and weak to muster up even another tear so have at it!!! I appreciate it

 

Hearty heart..It's time to watch some funny movies so you can laugh.

 

Hugs!

[half_ofa_heart]

I hate that your going through all that. But, It sounds exactly like what I'm feeling, so its nice to know that you aren't the only one with those thoughts...you know?

 

I'm gonna have to re-read over your story. So I can get the details of it again. What is the thread called? Do you remember? Or is this the first and only one you have started?

 

I'm not looking at my phone anymore. I think of him less, but still often. I go through all of the emotions you do. Ive always said I felt like I have kept the two of the able to stay married, so wonder how that will work out. But we have done this on and off again so many times, that he thinks he will e able to come back. It really won't hit him until he tries. So, It bothers me he isn't sad.

 

How do you know your xMM is? Just curious.

 

here is my original story but so much has happened since then that it seems so long ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255471/

 

How do I know my MM is what? hurting? I know because I broke down last Friday and called him and we both balled our eyes out over the phone. I know he loves me but he has lots of issues that keep him married and the two major ones are his baby girl and finances!

 

This is the best he's ever done at staying away from me so I really do believe this is it. He has never seen this much pain in me and I think it scared him. He realized that he cannot go on hurting me so he will let me go. Bittersweet!

[half_ofa_heart]

Hearty heart..It's time to watch some funny movies so you can laugh.

 

Hugs!

 

Which ones do you reccomend? I'm taking suggestions and none by way of romantic comedies

[wannabdone]

here is my original story but so much has happened since then that it seems so long ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255471/

 

How do I know my MM is what? hurting? I know because I broke down last Friday and called him and we both balled our eyes out over the phone. I know he loves me but he has lots of issues that keep him married and the two major ones are his baby girl and finances!

 

This is the best he's ever done at staying away from me so I really do believe this is it. He has never seen this much pain in me and I think it scared him. He realized that he cannot go on hurting me so he will let me go. Bittersweet!

 

 

You know what HOH.... first off, I wish we could private chat instead of having to have everyone see our posts. But, i'm just telling you from my point, I would rather have it that way.. I know they say grass is always greenier....but really. I have loved my xMM with everything, I know you understand. (and as I am tryping this, I am starting to bawl for the first time in days), but he acts like he doesn't care at all, and that hurts worse than anything. You would think that hating them would make it easier, but you know what. I hate what he has done, but I just can't bring myself to hate him. I still very much love him. And the fact that after this long, he could not have given me the deciency to just say I love you, i'm sorry, this kills me. Is just more heartbreaking than the heart break i'm already feeling.

It makes me feel that all this time and love and energy was for not. For some ass that didn't even love me enough to say good bye. Okay...gotta go now. Can't even see the computer screen i'm crying so much.

[half_ofa_heart]

You know what HOH.... first off, I wish we could private chat instead of having to have everyone see our posts. But, i'm just telling you from my point, I would rather have it that way.. I know they say grass is always greenier....but really. I have loved my xMM with everything, I know you understand. (and as I am tryping this, I am starting to bawl for the first time in days), but he acts like he doesn't care at all, and that hurts worse than anything. You would think that hating them would make it easier, but you know what. I hate what he has done, but I just can't bring myself to hate him. I still very much love him. And the fact that after this long, he could not have given me the deciency to just say I love you, i'm sorry, this kills me. Is just more heartbreaking than the heart break i'm already feeling.

It makes me feel that all this time and love and energy was for not. For some ass that didn't even love me enough to say good bye. Okay...gotta go now. Can't even see the computer screen i'm crying so much.

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry! I've been there and totally sympathize so xoxoxoxo!!!

 

Just remember to love yourself. No one can love you as much as you can love yourself. You'll get thru this and so will I because we deserve much more than this. Keep posting and in the process you will heal.

 

heart

[half_ofa_heart]

Towards the end of the day yesterday I was feeling pretty good about my progress. Was convinced I'm going to get thru this sooner than later only to on the way home get a text from his W about an invitation to his B-day party. UGH!!!! I declined of course but the damage was already done.

 

Then to add insult to injury... I haven't been able to log on to LS at all today. This is the first I've been able to logon.

[Circular]

I have spent the last two days reading every single one of Circular's posts just because I was starving for the MM's perspective. Does it make me feel better to know that this isn't easy for him (my MM not Circular) either? in a way yes but if I knew he could easily walk away it might make my healing go a little faster. The truth is I KNOW this is hard for him as well and all that does is spark my hope for a future with him.

 

 

I just stumbled on this part of the thread

 

Hopefully my posts were useful for you, even though it was an MM+MW situation. I'm almost scared to go back and see what I've written after so long. It would probably be interesting to see the phases of the grieving process through my posts. Everything from struggling with NC and so forth.

 

I know I did the right thing in walking away, but it was very hard to do. I go through all these phases, including thinking she must think I'm a complete jerk for shutting her off the way I did and still do when NC gets broken. It still pains me at times, I have zero interest/desire in ever having another A but there's a small piece inside me that still wonders if at some point our paths will cross again and things will be different. For NC I keep reminding myself of her kids, how every moment with me is a moment stolen form them, her family, her job, her M. That's not my place, nor was it where I ever wanted to be.

 

I have no doubt she is/was as confused, hurt, and conflicted as I was. We both fell for each other very hard. Those things take a long time to push away.

[half_ofa_heart]

I just stumbled on this part of the thread

 

Hopefully my posts were useful for you, even though it was an MM+MW situation. I'm almost scared to go back and see what I've written after so long. It would probably be interesting to see the phases of the grieving process through my posts. Everything from struggling with NC and so forth.

 

I know I did the right thing in walking away, but it was very hard to do. I go through all these phases, including thinking she must think I'm a complete jerk for shutting her off the way I did and still do when NC gets broken. It still pains me at times, I have zero interest/desire in ever having another A but there's a small piece inside me that still wonders if at some point our paths will cross again and things will be different. For NC I keep reminding myself of her kids, how every moment with me is a moment stolen form them, her family, her job, her M. That's not my place, nor was it where I ever wanted to be.

 

I have no doubt she is/was as confused, hurt, and conflicted as I was. We both fell for each other very hard. Those things take a long time to push away.

 

Circular... It took me almost 15 hours to get thru all of them but they helped me immensely[sp?]!!!

 

I was looking for a MM's perspective. My MM has told me much of the same things you wrote about. I know he is hurting because he told me as much and as of late, he finally realizes that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I'm not married but he is and I just can't go on playing 2nd fiddle anymore. I completely understand his reasoning for staying and have only asked that if he can't give me what I want, to let me go. He has never been able to do that until now. He still sends things out into the universe that get back to me that let me know he's hurting but at least he's respecting my wishes.

 

There are sooooo few of you out there (MM) who actually comment on their experience. I know not all cheating husbands were solely out to get a side piece of a$$. Just want to thank you for your continued posts. They sure helped me thru the beginning stages of NC.

 

Heart

[fooled once]

Ok, much better!!!! and yes, that would be refreshing but not even on the radar for me right now!

 

I'm just still in the state of beating myself up for letting my guard down (falling in love) in what clearly should have been a fort knox situation so the mere hint of tough love really knocks me down.

 

Half, please do not beat yourself up. Please know so many have gone through what you are going through and we are all here for each other to lean on.

 

Towards the end of the day yesterday I was feeling pretty good about my progress. Was convinced I'm going to get thru this sooner than later only to on the way home get a text from his W about an invitation to his B-day party. UGH!!!! I declined of course but the damage was already done.

 

Then to add insult to injury... I haven't been able to log on to LS at all today. This is the first I've been able to logon.

 

Okay, I want you to think about this one.

 

So let's pretend that things were like they were a month ago. You go to the bday party and watch him fawn all over his wife. You watch them hug and kiss and have their arms around each other.

 

How would you feel then?

 

Each day you grieve is another day of you getting stronger. Don't bottle up your feelings; let them out to us or to friends. But do not contact him. Do not send a little text, call to hear his voice on voicemail, etc.

 

Focus FORWARD, not backward.

 

I wish you much success on your journey!!

[half_ofa_heart]

Half, please do not beat yourself up. Please know so many have gone through what you are going through and we are all here for each other to lean on.

 

Okay, I want you to think about this one.

 

So let's pretend that things were like they were a month ago. You go to the bday party and watch him fawn all over his wife. You watch them hug and kiss and have their arms around each other.

 

How would you feel then?

 

Each day you grieve is another day of you getting stronger. Don't bottle up your feelings; let them out to us or to friends. But do not contact him. Do not send a little text, call to hear his voice on voicemail, etc.

 

Focus FORWARD, not backward.

 

I wish you much success on your journey!!

 

Thanks FO! Everyday I get a little better but that setback was tough (slept a total of 2.5 hours last night). Not even sure I can call it a setback since I didn't do anything but it felt like a set back. I'm doing what I can to move on which includes NC of any kind!!!

 

Not only do I picture the bolded above... I picture them alone together on vacation which will take place in less than a month. I've suffered enough and the suffering I'm currently going through is a means to an end.

 

Day by day and thank you for helping me thru it.

[fooled once]

YOU didn't make contact, so it wasn't your setback

 

You are doing good hon. It will be hard, and you know that. Just take baby steps forward each day. Post here and we will help you in any way we can!!