Am I Overeacting, or is it make or break for our LDR?

[mkbrownie]

For those of you who didn't read my last thread, here's a little background:

 

I went to Europe with a couple of buddies for vacation and while at the hostel, we met a group of girls. Instantly one caught my eye, in what I can only describe as the closest experience I have had to love at first sight. We hung out that night, and me and her were attached at the hip it seemed, I mean, we talked the whole night. Alas, the night ended, and we left the next day, never to see each other again. But I wasn't about to just forget about a girl I had felt so strong about. I found her facebook and contacted her by immediately putting it all out on the table. I told her I liked her and wanted to get to know her better.

 

We've talked every day since then basically, and things have gone very well up to this point, but I've had my ups and downs on the emotional rollercoaster. Only problem is, she lives in Germany, and I in Chicago.

 

I sent her a letter a week and a half ago professing how I felt about her and how I "couldn't stop thinking about her" and "missed her" even though we had only met in real life for 4 hours, and I didn't even know her name at the time.

 

That's the background. Here's where things have gotten confusing, at least for me.

 

A couple of days ago, I didn't like the way things were going. She was seeming more and more distant, and just didn't seem like she wanted to talk to me. So I just asked her if she actually enjoyed talking to me. She told me that she did, but it had become "exhausting" from all the chatting. I understood where she was coming from and told her that I just never knew when she was going to be on next, or when I could ever talk to her next, that I seemed to try and talk to her whenever she came online. Essentially, I was being overbearing. We talked about it, I told her I would never want her to feel this way, and would never do that knowingly. I also offered her space if she needed it away from chatting with me. She didn't know what that meant and asked if that meant we wouldn't chat anymore. I said that it kind of was like that. She replied by telling me we should just chat less often. I felt that was important to me because it showed she didn't want to cut off communication with me, that she had some interest. As we resolved the issue, she finally told me she liked me, which was big for me because I had been the only one of us who had said that prior. I felt good about where we were going, because relationships were built on communication and we had done that pretty well there.

 

Now here's where things get tricky. Today she got the letter (that's about a month and a half since we met). The letter that put it all out there. She appeared happy to get it, telling me "thaaannks :)", but she seemed to ignore what I said, and instead we talked about where I got the bracelet I sent her. I figured that if she really liked me, least she could do was send one back to me. So I asked, playfully and in a joking manner, that I "expected to get one back from her". She told me "I do not know yet". I was very confused to say the least. I thought with me putting myself out there and her finally saying she liked me a couple of days earlier that she would definitely send one back. I was wrong, and slightly disappointed, but I didn't say anything and just told her it was totally fine.

 

Finally, here's the kicker. In all our conversations, I have been the initator. I'm the one who told her I liked her, and I'm the one who reached out to her, so it seemed natural to me. So as I sensed our conversation was beginning to die today, I asked her when I could talk to her next (this was something we decided to do so that I wouldn't bother her when she had really busy days). I expected something like, Thursday or tomorrow or something of that nature. Instead she said, "I do not know. I can tell you when I am." That may seem totally fine to you, but again, she has never initiated a conversation. This would be the first!

 

Basically here's the question:

 

I know I love her, and I know I would talk to her every minute of every day if I could. But she sends rather mixed signals it seems, at least to me. I am beginning to feel that this period where I have to wait for her to tell me when we can talk could be the make or break point in my potential LDR. I know LDR's are built on trust (and a lot of it), but I'm afraid that she won't send the message for weeks, or won't send it at all.

 

Am I overreacting, or is it truly a make-or-break point in our possible LDR?

 

Thanks for bearing with me.

Edited August 30, 2011 by mkbrownie

[HeavenOrHell]

It sounds like you've been too overbearing/intense for her and she's backing off, either because it's too much or because she's not interested in a r/ship.

With regards to the bracelet, you shouldn't have sent her one with the hope she'd send one back, never give to receive, she probably felt pressured about that.

It's not a good sign if it is always you who initiates talking, it needs to be a two way thing.

I really wouldn't pin any hopes on this.

 

I'm sorry though, I wish I could see something positive in this, and hopefully I'm wrong in thinking the above.

 

 

For those of you who didn't read my last thread, here's a little background:

 

I went to Europe with a couple of buddies for vacation and while at the hostel, we met a group of girls. Instantly one caught my eye, in what I can only describe as the closest experience I have had to love at first sight. We hung out that night, and me and her were attached at the hip it seemed, I mean, we talked the whole night. Alas, the night ended, and we left the next day, never to see each other again. But I wasn't about to just forget about a girl I had felt so strong about. I found her facebook and contacted her by immediately putting it all out on the table. I told her I liked her and wanted to get to know her better.

 

We've talked every day since then basically, and things have gone very well up to this point, but I've had my ups and downs on the emotional rollercoaster. Only problem is, she lives in Germany, and I in Chicago.

 

I sent her a letter a week and a half ago professing how I felt about her and how I "couldn't stop thinking about her" and "missed her" even though we had only met in real life for 4 hours, and I didn't even know her name at the time.

 

That's the background. Here's where things have gotten confusing, at least for me.

 

A couple of days ago, I didn't like the way things were going. She was seeming more and more distant, and just didn't seem like she wanted to talk to me. So I just asked her if she actually enjoyed talking to me. She told me that she did, but it had become "exhausting" from all the chatting. I understood where she was coming from and told her that I just never knew when she was going to be on next, or when I could ever talk to her next, that I seemed to try and talk to her whenever she came online. Essentially, I was being overbearing. We talked about it, I told her I would never want her to feel this way, and would never do that knowingly. I also offered her space if she needed it away from chatting with me. She didn't know what that meant and asked if that meant we wouldn't chat anymore. I said that it kind of was like that. She replied by telling me we should just chat less often. I felt that was important to me because it showed she didn't want to cut off communication with me, that she had some interest. As we resolved the issue, she finally told me she liked me, which was big for me because I had been the only one of us who had said that prior. I felt good about where we were going, because relationships were built on communication and we had done that pretty well there.

 

Now here's where things get tricky. Today she got the letter (that's about a month and a half since we met). The letter that put it all out there. She appeared happy to get it, telling me "thaaannks :)", but she seemed to ignore what I said, and instead we talked about where I got the bracelet I sent her. I figured that if she really liked me, least she could do was send one back to me. So I asked, playfully and in a joking manner, that I "expected to get one back from her". She told me "I do not know yet". I was very confused to say the least. I thought with me putting myself out there and her finally saying she liked me a couple of days earlier that she would definitely send one back. I was wrong, and slightly disappointed, but I didn't say anything and just told her it was totally fine.

 

Finally, here's the kicker. In all our conversations, I have been the initator. I'm the one who told her I liked her, and I'm the one who reached out to her, so it seemed natural to me. So as I sensed our conversation was beginning to die today, I asked her when I could talk to her next (this was something we decided to do so that I wouldn't bother her when she had really busy days). I expected something like, Thursday or tomorrow or something of that nature. Instead she said, "I do not know. I can tell you when I am." That may seem totally fine to you, but again, she has never initiated a conversation. This would be the first!

 

Basically here's the question:

 

I know I love her, and I know I would talk to her every minute of every day if I could. But she sends rather mixed signals it seems, at least to me. I am beginning to feel that this period where I have to wait for her to tell me when we can talk could be the make or break point in my potential LDR. I know LDR's are built on trust (and a lot of it), but I'm afraid that she won't send the message for weeks, or won't send it at all.

 

Am I overreacting, or is it truly a make-or-break point in our possible LDR?

 

Thanks for bearing with me.

[mkbrownie]

I didn't mean bracelet, I meant send a letter back. I wouldn't expect her to get a gift for me.

 

And really? I mean I've heard that there are some girls that just like to have the guys initiate most of the time. Plus, I hear what you are saying, but wouldn't she have said she wanted space when I asked her if she needed it?

Edited August 30, 2011 by mkbrownie

[mkbrownie]

anybody else? I'm really depressed over this...

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry, it came across like you were talking about the bracelet.

Me and my partner have never really sent letters to each other as we talk every day, so we'd not have much to say in a letter, we've sent cards though.

 

I think most people whether male or female like each other to initiate things equally, not fair on either one to do most of the initiating or all of it, if one person initiates then the other will most likely end up feeling insecure and feeling the other isn't enthusiastic.

 

From what you've said she wanted space/for you to back off to some extent, that she was finding it exhausting, which to me doesn't sound positive, but maybe it was just too much too soon for her as you've been very full on.

 

I personally would back off and let her come to you if she wants to, stop chasing her, if she doesn't come looking for you online then that's your answer.

 

I hope you get some more replies to this as well, there maybe some other perspectives.

 

I didn't mean bracelet, I meant send a letter back. I wouldn't expect her to get a gift for me.

 

And really? I mean I've heard that there are some girls that just like to have the guys initiate most of the time. Plus, I hear what you are saying, but wouldn't she have said she wanted space when I asked her if she needed it?

[mkbrownie]

thanks man, yea she was online today at the same time I was online today and she didn't say anything...not too good of a sign. Does anybody think that maybe it could be that I said too much in that letter, and she just needs time to figure out her feelings? Or is that just optimistic thinking on my part.

 

Please respond, thanks.

[HeavenOrHell]

The letter may have been too much too soon and you've been quite intense with her by the sounds of it. It maybe that she just needs time to figure her feelings out though, but from what you've said she's not as interested in you as much as you are in her, but some people just aren't as forthcoming, or are just shy, some people take longer to develop feelings for someone.

 

You've made your feelings clear, give her space now, let her come to you if she wants to

 

Try and focus on your life at home, work, with friends, and don't make her your main focus, hard to do I know!

 

Let us know how things go, I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's not easy

 

thanks man, yea she was online today at the same time I was online today and she didn't say anything...not too good of a sign. Does anybody think that maybe it could be that I said too much in that letter, and she just needs time to figure out her feelings? Or is that just optimistic thinking on my part.

 

Please respond, thanks.

[mkbrownie]

Here's an update on how things are going:

 

Not well.

 

It's been almost a week, and still no contact from her, and she has been online almost every day at the same time I have. I'm trying not to get bitter because I opened up to her, but I keep having thoughts in my head like "what if she doesn't talk to me for a month or so, then decides to talk to me like nothing ever happened?". In that scenario I can only imagine myself getting angry and I'm really trying not to because it's mostly my fault.

 

Luckily, a girl I met in Spain has started talking to me a bunch and she is helping me get through this by being a really good listener.

 

Overall, outlook gets bleaker by the day.

[Ivan91]

I'm in almost the same exact situation as you with my girlfriend. We met a few months back just a couple weeks before she left for basic training for the Army. I've never had more fun in my life. We would talk 5 to 6 hours a night on the phone. Everything just clicked. I mean she's everything in a woman I ever wanted. So we decided to hook up. We got to spend a day together a week before we left.. Best day of my life. She recently graduated and I went to see her graduate. After that she just didn't seem the same. Now she's in AIT and just like you I'm always the one to initiate a conversation and I see her online and she never talks to me. She never has much to say when we're on the phone, and she always seems to end it pretty quick. I asked her how she felt about us when I was at her graduation and she said she felt good about us, but I know something isn't the same anymore. I'm really confused like you are and I'm afraid it's about to end. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I know how you feel.

[mkbrownie]

Yea that sucks that we are both going through the same thing...for you it must be worse though, with you guys having formed a formal relationship. For me it's really that I am in love with this girl that just seems to not care and it really makes me depressed. She is amazing and I'd do anything for her. At this point I'm torn between feeling that I DON'T want her to answer anymore because the ship is sailing, and a feeling that i still would love it if she did reply.

 

This is eating me up inside and it's just awful

[Ivan91]

Yeh, it really hurts sometimes. Especially that we are a couple. One thing that helps me is that you have to accept the fact that she might not feel the same way about you anymore. There's no need to pretend she feels the same way. You need to know that she could move on, and it sounds like you realize that. If it doesn't work out then she's obviously not for you and there's someone better for you. If it ends, it will definately hurt and you will feel the pain for a while, but it will pass and you will move on too, but you just accept it and move on. I'm praying it all works out for you.

[maria_patheticsoul]

I think she is not yet ready for you...give her time or better yet to end your agony ask her ask her what is the real score. From a woman's point of view but i dont speak for the majority some are women get's "suffocated" when given too much attention. When they feel there is an intense feeling from the person it gets into their nerves specially if they dont have the same feeling that other person are having for them. They always say that women are too complicated you give them less attention they complain...give them too much and it freaks them out. But women are women...I say ask her straight away if the answer is not good then walk away and move on.

[Tayla]

Wanting that which someone can not attain is the old saying. To state you are "in love" from a 4 hour encounter is scarry. Then to track her down online?

 

Remove her from your online Watch list. That is doing you no good to constantly check and keep tabs if she is online or not.

 

May I inquire if you perhaps carry an obsession of this girl?

[mkbrownie]

Well I didn't track her down so to speak, one of her friends friended my buddy and then she friended me and I found her from there...and I wasnt in love immediately I fell in love after talking a couple of weeks with her. And I don't constantly check, I check when I go online which was a lot to begin with.

[mkbrownie]

Thanks for the support Ivan yea I'm hoping all works out for you too.

 

And Maria, I'm planning on doing that now. I'm going to give her another week or so to say something and if she doesn't I'm just going to say that she obviously doesn't feel the same way and that it doesn't make sense for me to keep waiting for her.

 

Thanks for your help guys, I'll keep you posted (fingers crossed things turn out well)

[mkbrownie]

I've been preparing for what I want to write to her now that I am expecting to not get a reply and break things off with her.

 

I decided to write her a message telling her goodbye and that I will always be there for her, but that I most likely will never speak to her again just due to circumstances.

 

But before I send it, I want you guys to tell me what you think of what I'm writing. Here goes nothing:

 

 

Hey X,

 

It’s been about two weeks since we talked and I need to get some things off my chest.

 

At this point it’s obvious you don’t feel the same way as I do, which saddens me because you know how I felt and still feel about you. Odds are it was my fault because I moved things too fast and I apologize for any stress or annoyance I caused you. I would rather never have ever met you than do that to you. I’d be lying if I said this message was a little bitter, but that’s an emotion I choose not to show to someone that meant so much to me.

 

So I’m here to say goodbye. The past two weeks have had some of the most depressing times in my life thinking about how I managed to screw up whatever we had. There were nights where I just couldn’t help but think of you and it only made things worse for me. It has just become pointless for me to keep thinking and hoping. I guess that just like that night in the hostel, it wasn’t meant to work out, and it’s simply better for me to move on and stop pestering you.

 

From my point of view as I write this, I don’t think we could ever be friends. It could never be anything less than awkward and I hope you understand that because it is not an attack on you.

 

I also wish you the best of luck in whatever you do in your life. I hope you have a great time in New Jersey, as well as a life full of blessings and success. And I hope you meet someone who thinks as highly of you and likes you as much as I do. And more importantly, someone you love as well. I want nothing more than you happy.

 

Also, tell your friends that I wish them the best of luck, too. You guys made that last night in the hostel one I will never forget.

 

Finally, if you ever need anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you know how to contact me. I will do whatever I can to help you.

 

So with that, I tell you a German word I don’t think I’ll ever forget after this:

 

Lebewohl. (INFO: Lebewohl means goodbye forever in German, I said it trying to say goodbye as a joke earlier with her)

 

And this time I truly mean it.

 

 

(P.S. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of this. Just forget about me and go on with your life, I’ll be fine. I always am. You don’t even need to reply to this unless your feelings are different than what I think they are.)

 

Sincerely,

 

X

 

 

What do you guys think? Does it get the point across? Thanks for staying with me through all this.

Edited September 6, 2011 by mkbrownie

[HeavenOrHell]

Personally, I wouldn't write anything to her, she's made it clear she's not really interested, and you weren't a couple, so there's nothing to break off, this email comes across like you had more than you did, I don't mean to sound harsh, sorry, this is just how it all comes across.

The email sounds a bit dramatic, considering she's already backed off.

When you said 'this time I truly mean it', it implies you've said goodbye to her already, so is there any reason to say it again?

I'd really say nothing and move on from her friendship, concentrate on friends who have time and enthusiasm for you

 

 

 

I've been preparing for what I want to write to her now that I am expecting to not get a reply and break things off with her.

 

I decided to write her a message telling her goodbye and that I will always be there for her, but that I most likely will never speak to her again just due to circumstances.

 

But before I send it, I want you guys to tell me what you think of what I'm writing. Here goes nothing:

 

 

Hey X,

 

It’s been about two weeks since we talked and I need to get some things off my chest.

 

At this point it’s obvious you don’t feel the same way as I do, which saddens me because you know how I felt and still feel about you. Odds are it was my fault because I moved things too fast and I apologize for any stress or annoyance I caused you. I would rather never have ever met you than do that to you. I’d be lying if I said this message was a little bitter, but that’s an emotion I choose not to show to someone that meant so much to me.

 

So I’m here to say goodbye. The past two weeks have had some of the most depressing times in my life thinking about how I managed to screw up whatever we had. There were nights where I just couldn’t help but think of you and it only made things worse for me. It has just become pointless for me to keep thinking and hoping. I guess that just like that night in the hostel, it wasn’t meant to work out, and it’s simply better for me to move on and stop pestering you.

 

From my point of view as I write this, I don’t think we could ever be friends. It could never be anything less than awkward and I hope you understand that because it is not an attack on you.

 

I also wish you the best of luck in whatever you do in your life. I hope you have a great time in New Jersey, as well as a life full of blessings and success. And I hope you meet someone who thinks as highly of you and likes you as much as I do. And more importantly, someone you love as well. I want nothing more than you happy.

 

Also, tell your friends that I wish them the best of luck, too. You guys made that last night in the hostel one I will never forget.

 

Finally, if you ever need anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you know how to contact me. I will do whatever I can to help you.

 

So with that, I tell you a German word I don’t think I’ll ever forget after this:

 

Lebewohl. (INFO: Lebewohl means goodbye forever in German, I said it trying to say goodbye as a joke earlier with her)

 

And this time I truly mean it.

 

 

(P.S. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of this. Just forget about me and go on with your life, I’ll be fine. I always am. You don’t even need to reply to this unless your feelings are different than what I think they are.)

 

Sincerely,

 

X

 

 

What do you guys think? Does it get the point across? Thanks for staying with me through all this.

[mkbrownie]

I guess i just don't want her to talk to me in a month or so as if nothing happened because I'll have tried to forget about her, so I am trying to use this message to make sure that doesn't happen.

 

And i get what u mean it's just tough for me to not say something because she meant so much to me...

 

And what I meant by the goodbye was that as a joke when we were both signing off I tried to say goodbye in German to her and I said "Lebewohl" which she said meant goodbye forever. I then sarcastically said that's what I meant, and we both laughed so it was like a point that she will understand.

 

Thanks for helping me through all this HeavenorHell...luckily I have some girls that are at least talking to me during this, otherwise I would be screwed lol

[maria_patheticsoul]

Personally, I wouldn't write anything to her, she's made it clear she's not really interested, and you weren't a couple, so there's nothing to break off, this email comes across like you had more than you did, I don't mean to sound harsh, sorry, this is just how it all comes across.

The email sounds a bit dramatic, considering she's already backed off.

When you said 'this time I truly mean it', it implies you've said goodbye to her already, so is there any reason to say it again?

I'd really say nothing and move on from her friendship, concentrate on friends who have time and enthusiasm for you

 

I agree with her...you were not a couple so there is nothing to break off. But doesn't it felt good after writing that letter? You got it off from your chest i think you should not send that letter...just send her a simple message asking her "is there a chance for me?" but yeah expect the worse anyway she gave you a hint already. You will be fine as most of us in here that suffered pain in love.

[mkbrownie]

Thanks for convincing me not to send it but it did feel good to write it.

 

And Maria, do you really think I should ask her that? I feel it's too straightforward...

[maria_patheticsoul]

Yes there is nothing wrong asking her that....no formalities needed just be straight forward it will be a relief if she will just answer no or yes...up to her if she will include explanation.

[HeavenOrHell]

I wouldn't ask her if there's a chance for you, she's made her feelings clear

 

I wish I could be more positive, I know how much she meant to you, I'm sorry.

 

 

Thanks for convincing me not to send it but it did feel good to write it.

 

And Maria, do you really think I should ask her that? I feel it's too straightforward...

[mkbrownie]

Yup things are done. I decided to ask her if I had a chance a few days back and she still hasn't responded. I'm moving on currently by just trying to forget her.

 

I thought I'd get a little more respect from her part, she could have just said no and I would have left her alone forever. I'm not going to lie that I feel pissed about that and I hope she realizes what she lost because then she will know how I feel right about now.

 

But do you guys have any tips for getting over the little depression I am feeling? I've already hid her posts from facebook, but I still can't forget her...

 

 

You guys have been a huge help through this. And I thank you for that.

[maria_patheticsoul]

I say you go out and mingle have fun...think of the bad thing she did to you and it will help you forget about her and you will realize you deserve someone better than her. You should be thankful that you did not have a relationship with this girl can you imagine how it will feel if she is like this....it's like having a roller coaster ride. I am pretty sure you will get through this in no time. Have fun and be happy.

[mkbrownie]

WHAT THE ****. She just responded saying she doesn't know what "have a chance with her" means. God friggin dammit.

 

Just as I was moving on.