trying to forget

[lost in a dream]

This is my first time ever talking about this but i think its time....

 

I was 16 when i first met my x he was older an out of school plus he had a car so he was really "cool" to me..2 days later we ended up dating an my family life wasnt so pretty itself so i moved in with him a month into the relationship i messed up an called him a jerk he ended up throwing me into the walmart clothse rack well everyone watched he choked me out...that was also my first night of being raped..after that it wasnt nothing for him to hit, bite, scratch, burn, an rape me over an over again even in front of his friends..then it got worse he would have phone sex with girls right in front of me then when he was turned on i was suppose to do things for him his friends wuld hold me down while he burnt me..i ended up running away back home 2 months later i met my now husband who i love very much yet i cant show it i have nightmares an panick attacks an dont trust no one i just want it to end its only been 2 years an 2 months i was with him for a year ive tried counseling but i dont say much i just want to know if it ends....

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm terribly sorry this happened to you.

 

Yes, it can end, but, speaking as someone who HAS recovered: It takes a lot of attention (LOVE) on our part. It's not an overnight fix. No one will wave a magic wand for us! (And I looked for a magic wand for years! It's not out there! lol)

 

In my experience, recovery/feeling better was directly proportionate to how much responsibility I was willing to accept for finding myself in every situation, even abusive situations. I noticed that if I didn't take responsibility and blamed someone else for my unhappiness, I got NO recovery. I continued to feel lousy. However, when I kept an open mind and finally tried to examine where my weaknesses led to a situation -- i.e., took 100 percent responsibility for my part -- the healing was astounding. It was all dependent on that one fact. And if someone told me this when I was a young adult, I could have saved myself from years of crappy therapists who held my hand, gave me earnest nods and told me how tragic my childhood was and how I would probably never completely recover (lie!). You see, as well intentioned as everyone was, supporting me in being a victim got me nowhere. That's why I'm telling you this. Not to upset you or, God forbid, invalidate your experience, which sounds horrific. I'm telling you this with the hope it will save you time from suffering any longer than you need to.

 

The upside of this painful experience: It could be the catalyst for something greater in your life.

 

The downside: If you don't give this your attention now, the same problem will probably pop up in another form down the road. I've seen this happen in my life and in others. I can't emphasize this enough.

 

It's great that you are in therapy; however, don't expect the therapist to wave a magic wand and make the boo-boo go away like I did ....Yeah, it's a sacred cow in our culture that therapy fixes everything, but that was never true for me, and I worshipped at the feet of that sacred cow for years... Personally, the things that helped me heal the quickest were inexpensive or free. What I learned is: It's all about your intention. If you truly want recovery and empowerment, you will find it. But you have to want it and be willing to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, that meant I had to give up the idea that I was a victim. Once I surrendered my attachment to being a victim, I noticed I wasn't anymore. I felt great! But I spent years (unconsciously) savoring victimhood, and then I wondered why I stayed stuck.

 

I think you want healing, or you would not be in counseling and you would not have written.

 

Because you may find it hard to talk with the counselor (I did, too, in early healing work), please consider the Codependent Anonymous meetings. Best free therapy in town! You can go online for meetings if you can't find a group you like in your community .... Witnessing others sharing their experiences & feelings will probably help you feel comfortable doing the same for yourself. That's how it worked for me.

 

 

I'm cutting and pasting my reply to someone else tonight with the hope something might resonate for you. Everyone has their own journey. I wish you the very best on yours.

_____________________________

 

If you don't have lots of money for counseling, here's what I would recommend:

 

Learn all you can about personality disorders. If you found yourself in an abusive relationship, it is POSSIBLE you grew up with someone with BPD, NPD or even psychopathy and don't even know it. Often people suffering from a personality disorder can be abusive. If you grew up exposed to this pattern as a child, it may (unconsciously) feel like "home" to be around such people as an adult, even if you are a strong person who is saavy about people. (Having said that: Even people from "normal" backgrounds can end up in abusive relationships! Abusers are extraordinarily charming in the early stage of the relationship.) .... Reading Sandra Brown's "Women Who Love Psychopaths," reading blogs on narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy and listening to Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts on narcissistic personality disorder opened my eyes to how a strong, smart people can find themselves in these situations. Highly recommend. Also, many people have gotten much help from reading the Baggage Reclaim blog. The focus on all of these free sites is educating people and empowering them.

 

About post traumatic stress --

 

At age 17, AFTER I left an abusive family home environment, I inexplicably began experiencing panic attacks, sleeplessness, etc. -- inexplicable to me, because I finally felt safe for the first time in years! A therapist told me it was post traumatic stress. I argued with that, because I couldn't understand why I had no symptoms while living in an abusive family situation but, once I was on my own and was "safe," the symptoms began appearing. The therapist explained that PTSD is a form of detox for the body/mind. He pointed out that Vietnam Vets didn't experience PTSD while in the jungles of Vietnam, dealing with combat. Instead, PTSD symptoms appeared in Vietnam vets when they returned to the states and finally felt safe. So, in my layperson's opinion, your symptoms may be signs that things are integrating, not falling apart. Sometimes things appear most chaotic on the surface when, in fact, we are making the greatest progress toward healing and growth beneath the surface. It's paradoxical .... If my experience is any indication, the symptoms will fade away.

 

Your anger is a good sign. Often the feelings are the first to shut down in abusive situation. You go numb to cope. Feeling anger -- @#!*% , feeling anything! -- is another healing form of defrost/detox. If you find you are getting stuck in anger, then that's a sign of unhealthy attachment to the notion of being a victim. That's when I recommend exploring the radical forgiveness work of Byron Katie. But forgiveness work usually comes much later, after the anger stage. (Things do come in stages, and each stage needs to be honored.) .... (Radical forgiveness work helped me much more than any therapy did. And much of it was free. Just my two cents ...)

 

Codependent Anonymous meetings can be helpful, too, and the meetings are free. Please know that I am NOT suggesting that people in abusive situations are "sick codependents." The fact is, abuse targets usually test very high in empathy -- much, much higher than the norm. Such empaths will sometimes attract people who test very low in empathy (e.g., abusive personalities). Sandra Brown's book explores why .... Anyway, CODA meetings are virtually free support groups which help build people practice better boundaries and learning to take care of themselves BEFORE taking care of others' feelings and needs. It's all about balance. Empathy is nice, but healthy discernment is better.

 

I don't know if any of this is relevant to your situation.

 

If you are very proactive and seek help from outside sources -- and stay in NO CONTACT -- you will get stronger than you ever imagined. You'll look back and, as regrettable as this relationship was, you will see it as one of the greatest opportunities of your life. It's all up to you. Because you are asking for help here, I have the greatest optimism for you. Best of luck to you and your new relationship.

[MOVINGGFORWARD]

When i was nine years old my own brother used to molest me. And as Ive grown older Im starting to believe it was more. I never recall how it ended, all i remember is holding onto the sides of my underwear, crying and begging. My brother had epilepsy, so i blamed his medicine. ALthough, it clearly is not acceptable for what happened to me. It has been 12 years and every morning i wake up it is heavy on my mind. I waited an entire year to tell my mother so she didnt know until i was 10. he used to babysit me while they were at work, so to say it happened multiple times is an understatement. Now my family makes me feel bad because i am very mean to him, but i just cant forgive him. He is the reason i started not respecting myself and ****ing anyone because it made me feel powerful. Because i was the one giving permission. I hate that he never got in trouble and i fear that by not telling it is possible it could happen again. I just want to move past it, and alll my bfs always just say i have to move on eventually and forgive. Most people who are raped say they forgive the person but they dont see the person at every christmas and every thanksgiving. I do. Its extremely difficult and idk if anyone really can understand how i feel. It just feels good to talk about it sometimes. I worry that when my parents pass my family wont have family dinners and occasions because i cant get over something that happened so long ago. I almost forgave him once when i was 12 but i found rape porn on the computer which showed me he is into what he did. And he likes it. he enjoyed my misery. I dont know if i can ever get past this pain. After i told on him , it never happened again but it still tramautized me. We never reported it in fear we would all be taken away to foster homes. If anyone can give me advice on coping or dealing with this it would be nice. Since i was a little girl my dreams were to get thru college so i could pay to see a therapist. I honestly feel like no one can understand me and i have trust issues. I just want to be normal and have a healthy relationship..

[Breezy Trousers]

When i was nine years old my own brother used to molest me. And as Ive grown older Im starting to believe it was more. I never recall how it ended, all i remember is holding onto the sides of my underwear, crying and begging. My brother had epilepsy, so i blamed his medicine. ALthough, it clearly is not acceptable for what happened to me. It has been 12 years and every morning i wake up it is heavy on my mind. I waited an entire year to tell my mother so she didnt know until i was 10. he used to babysit me while they were at work, so to say it happened multiple times is an understatement. Now my family makes me feel bad because i am very mean to him, but i just cant forgive him. He is the reason i started not respecting myself and ****ing anyone because it made me feel powerful. Because i was the one giving permission. I hate that he never got in trouble and i fear that by not telling it is possible it could happen again. I just want to move past it, and alll my bfs always just say i have to move on eventually and forgive. Most people who are raped say they forgive the person but they dont see the person at every christmas and every thanksgiving. I do. Its extremely difficult and idk if anyone really can understand how i feel. It just feels good to talk about it sometimes. I worry that when my parents pass my family wont have family dinners and occasions because i cant get over something that happened so long ago. I almost forgave him once when i was 12 but i found rape porn on the computer which showed me he is into what he did. And he likes it. he enjoyed my misery. I dont know if i can ever get past this pain. After i told on him , it never happened again but it still tramautized me. We never reported it in fear we would all be taken away to foster homes. If anyone can give me advice on coping or dealing with this it would be nice. Since i was a little girl my dreams were to get thru college so i could pay to see a therapist. I honestly feel like no one can understand me and i have trust issues. I just want to be normal and have a healthy relationship..

 

 

You will get there. Your anger is a good sign, IMO.

 

When I speak of forgiveness, I'm really referring to accepting reality on reality's terms --- i.e., acceptance. I'm not talking about holding hands with your brother and singing Kumbayah around a campfire, metaphorically speaking. Maybe that will happen with you and your brother someday; maybe not. It's all about accepting what happened to you, learning from it and moving on. It's not about your brother. It's about liberating yourself.

 

Forgiveness can't be forced nor can recovery. It's a process. In my experience, forgiveness came much later in my process.

 

I'd recommend you forgive YOURSELF for not being able to forgive your brother right now. Accept that this is where you are and try not to judge it. It's okay. (Again, I'd recommend doing Byron Katie's four questions on this...)

 

Also --

 

Forgiveness does not mean you must like or even have to have a relationship with your brother. For example, I have a brother who is unsafe. I keep him at arm's length. I don't hate him. I have no desire to control or change him. He is who he is. My job is to accept that. But I don't have to hang out with him. He's proven himself to be an unsafe person. So I don't. No hard feelings, though. Acceptance ........... Crocodiles bite. If I play with crocodiles, I'll get bitten. Knowing that, I no longer choose to play with human "crocodiles." Do I hate crocodiles? Nah. They are who they are. They have as much right to exist as I do. Reality doesn't ask for my vote anyway.... But once I recognize them, I detach and choose not to engage. Easy peasy. No drama necessary.

 

Boundaries are very important for abuse survivors to learn. We are usually targeted because we are too open & trusting or have some sort of vulnerability. Often we have spongy boundaries. It's not horrible -- it can be very sweet, actually -- but spongy boundaries can get us into trouble, so learning to set boundaries is very important.

 

Part of the problem with abuse within the family is that it isolates you from the very people you are to be connected with. So you're in a tricky situation. It's got to be very painful to see someone who deeply hurt you at family holidays each year, pretending as if nothing happened. It's also painful to feel punished by the family when anger naturally arises. It seems unfair that those who are wounded are the ones who must forgive, right? But that's the way of it for human beings. We do it for ourselves ---for our own liberation from suffering -- not for others. Or we don't and we continue to suffer.

 

So notice your anger but also notice how it makes YOU feel in the end. I imagine: not very good. Anger is a form of attack, and when we attack others, we are really attacking ourselves. Anger increases our sense of separation from others, which is the cause of all unhappiness IMO.... So ask yourself: Does attacking make you feel better in the long run? Observe the anger for awhile. Don't try to fix it. Just notice it. Is it getting you what you want -- really? Is there another way?

 

I also had to ask myself: If a million great things happened to you today ... why are you focusing on THAT today -- something that happened years ago?

 

I came to see that I was the problem. I was repeatedly choosing to be unhappy with the unskillful way I was directing my thoughts. Instead of choosing gratitude and appreciation in the present, I was focusing on anger and resentment over the past. (This was very, VERY hard to admit!!!)

 

In the end, I had to ask myself: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? It came down to just that.

 

In my case, I was abused by a parent in the past. However, I noticed I was abusing myself far more as an adult than my mother ever had abused me. How? I replaying the scenes & feelings over & over again in my mind. Each incident occurred once; however, I replayed each incident over & over again. So who was abusing who, really? I was (unconsciously) doing that to myself. No parent was around anymore, doing it to me anymore -- that was long in the past.

 

In time, I grew sick & tired of being sick & tired. The anger stage was necessary for me but, eventually, I saw how unskillful it was. I had to change my mind about what happened to me. I had to give up my worship of victimhood. Not easy. Being a victim was part of my identity!! (Could be why religion says you have to die to yourself before you find yourself ....) When I eventually had the willingness to give up being right/being a victim, my anger dropped and I recovered. It didn't happen overnight, though. I had to see that my anger wasn't punishing my mother; it was punishing me and, ultimately, everyone around me.

 

Another problem is that abuse causes the injured one to internalize irrational guilt and shame for what happened (i.e., there must be something terribly wrong with me for this to have happened). That irrational shame further enhances our sense of separation from others, thus increasing our suffering. We feel ashamed about ourselves and are terrified of letting others see us too closely. So we keep people at arm's length and being to feel separate / isolated, which only causes us to feel empty and depressed. It becomes a vicious cycle. Talking to someone about what happened breaks the sense of isolation, which helps break the shame down, etc. Twelve step programs are ideal for this, but therapy or even a spiritual mentor helps, too. So I hope you find someone.

 

Trust issues are very common for abuse survivors. Trust wasn't possible for me until I was in my late thirties. (I'm sharing my experience here because I don't want you to wait that long!) In my experience, this lack of trust is because I had a fundamental distrust of myself, not just others. I believed I was defective and couldn't protect myself. Once I examined my unconscious beliefs -- and challenged those unhelpful concepts -- they dropped. When the beliefs faded away, my fear lessened. All lack of trust is just a an addiction to fearful thoughts/beliefs. When these concepts drop, the fear drops, and the ability to trust is naturally restored... Only when I began to trust that I could honor my feelings and take care of myself, could I begin to trust others to do the same toward me. It wasn't the other way around.

 

Recovery is not about acquiring a new mindset or getting something. It's an undoing. You are fundamentally a healthy, strong, good person. Trauma caused you to forget that. The ensuing angry & fearful thoughts are blocking your awareness of that fact. That's all. This can all be undone. Promise.

 

I hope you find support for your healing. There are free resources available out there. I've listed a few. I'm not a church goer, but I've noticed that when I earnestly and sincerely pray for help, doors open. Only always. So don't let the belief that you need lots of money and years of professional, expensive therapy prevent you from recovering right now. That should be the first belief you undo! It's not true (unless you want it to be). You can begin now.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Breezy Trousers]

Just wanted to add:

 

Anger is just a call for love. When I see an angry person, I know I'm seeing a sad/grievng/fearful person. I think anger is a good emotion for abuse survivors because it's a STRONG feeling that makes us feel powerful. I suppose it's better than depression or numbness. In the end, anger is just a defense against feeling vulnerable. The feeling of vulnerability is still there beneath the anger. Unearthing the vulnerability & thinking around it is where most healing begins.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[MOVINGGFORWARD]

Thank you so much for your reply it really helped a lot. I mean it has been almost 12 years, i was young when all of this happened. I think my parents avoided talking about it thinking i would forget the events that happened. And sometimes thats what is so extremely frustrating. It is weird how you said you replay events over in your head because i do that all the time. Its gotten better as ive gotten older. I started thinking about it less and less. But idk sometimes i feel like this quote is most true about me, " i forgive you, but i dont want you to ever forget i forgave you." I think sometimes that certain victims feel like they are the only one who suffers. What happened was not my fault, and yet it is on me to forgive? i feel like im finally getting over it and can finally talk about it without being uncomfortable and upset. Im at the point where im tired of being angry over something i cant change. Idk if anyone else on this site has been molested or raped and does this but i cant bring myself to date white men now. I dated a white man once but everytime we had sex i had to turn the lights off. So then I started dating black men. I really mean it when i say i dont care what anyone thinks, sometimes its just kinda ****ty some family members dont approve. Its just certain ways white men talk with thier hands or faces they make, way they walk, or even looking at thier dick brings flashbacks so its a lot less painful dating black men. I do have trust issues but im getting over it. I was in a 3 yr long relationship and the problem was not trust. I feel like im going forward day by day and eventually things will be tolerable. Im not naive in thinking that things will be perfect but i know they will only get better with time.

[Breezy Trousers]

Love is love. White, black -- doesn't matter. You can't love unless you feel safe, anyway. Your feelings are totally understandable.

 

I understand your comment, "What happened was not my fault, and yet it is on me to forgive?"

 

Yeah. It is.

 

It sucks. I know.

 

It hurts even more family members pretend the trauma never happened. Lies/denial are always painful. It would be nice if others provided hurt people with support and validation, but it doesn't usually work that way. People who can't deal with their own pain will refuse to deal with other people's pain and even blame them for "asking for it" -- which only increases the sense of isolation. It's just the way it goes in this world.

 

I hope you find someone to talk to in your community who has experienced this, MF. I'm glad you're feeling better as time passes ...

 

Best wishes to you.

[MexicanBillBacker]

When i was nine years old my own brother used to molest me. And as Ive grown older Im starting to believe it was more. I never recall how it ended, all i remember is holding onto the sides of my underwear, crying and begging. My brother had epilepsy, so i blamed his medicine. ALthough, it clearly is not acceptable for what happened to me. It has been 12 years and every morning i wake up it is heavy on my mind. I waited an entire year to tell my mother so she didnt know until i was 10. he used to babysit me while they were at work, so to say it happened multiple times is an understatement. Now my family makes me feel bad because i am very mean to him, but i just cant forgive him. He is the reason i started not respecting myself and ****ing anyone because it made me feel powerful. Because i was the one giving permission. I hate that he never got in trouble and i fear that by not telling it is possible it could happen again. I just want to move past it, and alll my bfs always just say i have to move on eventually and forgive. Most people who are raped say they forgive the person but they dont see the person at every christmas and every thanksgiving. I do. Its extremely difficult and idk if anyone really can understand how i feel. It just feels good to talk about it sometimes. I worry that when my parents pass my family wont have family dinners and occasions because i cant get over something that happened so long ago. I almost forgave him once when i was 12 but i found rape porn on the computer which showed me he is into what he did. And he likes it. he enjoyed my misery. I dont know if i can ever get past this pain. After i told on him , it never happened again but it still tramautized me. We never reported it in fear we would all be taken away to foster homes. If anyone can give me advice on coping or dealing with this it would be nice. Since i was a little girl my dreams were to get thru college so i could pay to see a therapist. I honestly feel like no one can understand me and i have trust issues. I just want to be normal and have a healthy relationship..

 

I'm so sorry for you, It must have been awful. And by your own brother - there's some sick, sick people in this world and all we can do is fight it. I pass on to you the mental exercise of denial.

 

We have to weed out those thoughts from the roots. Every time it enters your mind, or tries to enter your mind just say to yourself -"I don't give a ****, I don't give a ****, I don't give a ****".

 

Our mind always tries to **** us up, ever since we were young. Just do this mental exercise and I assure you you'll feel a lot better.

 

Don't even let those thoughts enter your mind - remember that thoughts are external to you, they are not who you are, you are much more.

 

You deserve someone that loves you and protects you.

 

We are here for you, I'm here for you.

[lost in a dream]

thanks everyone that really helped an yes all thru my childhood i was raped by my step father and my mothers lovers..an i grew up very stupid an went for older men my ex was not the only one that raped or molested me i was even locked in a bathroom for 2 days when i was 10 by my brothers friend who was 20 at the time...an im not a victom i put myself in these situations its just hard to forget....

[insaneinthebrain]

Your not a victim.. you are a survivors... Survivors survive.

 

The best advice i can give you is that you need to love your self for who you are.... these things that happened to you are not who you are ..... they are just bad things that happened...... they dont make you dirty, and the dont make you less valuable..........

 

 

..... you can never for get what happened to you ...... it will never go away... you just need to learn to live with it...

 

please see a professional therapist that can help you with all this...

 

Find someone that loves you ...... and that you love, and enjoy your life .... because life is too short .....