I don't know anymore...

[pleasepleaseplease1]

Sorry if this sounds a bit choppy, I'm just a little nervous as I type this.

 

I'm a senior in high school, and my boyfriend is on his second semester in college. We've been together for a year and three months I believe. He's been my best friend since I was a sophomore (we started dating at the end of that year). He's really sweet, nice and funny. He treats me with all the respect in the world. We laugh a lot whenever we're together and we see each other every weekend. We were in the same school when I was a sophomore (I transferred to another school that summer for my remaining high school years).

 

The thing is, for the first three months (May-June 2010), I saw our relationship as "perfect", just like every other teenager who's head-over-heels, and nothing ever went wrong. I saw him every day that summer, until August when I started in my new school. From there on we only saw each other on the weekends. The transition process was hard for me, since I had a lot of trouble making friends there. It actually took me the entire year to feel comfortable with the people there. I never went out with my school friends and always went out with my boyfriend on the weekends.

 

In the beginning of October, the whole pressure of having to deal with the new school, struggle of making new friends, and being away from my boyfriend (he lived an hour away, and neither of us could drive at the time), made me have some sort of nervous breakdown where I could honestly say that I had no feelings other than emptiness and extreme depression. It lasted an entire week, and was sparked by my sister's break up with her boyfriend of 9 months (I'm not sure if it was a coincidence or not). Anyways, that entire week I felt miserable, and I couldn't really talk to anyone because I didn't know how to explain it. All I can say is that I felt like I didn't like/love my boyfriend anymore and that he couldn't make me happy. He thought I was breaking up with him, when I really didn't even know what was going on with myself. I felt nothing, all I did was just cry for three days straight. That Friday, I asked him if we could take a break to see if I could feel better. I spent the whole Saturday trying to not think about him, but he wasn't helping. He texted and called me several times a day, and whenever I answered the phone, I'd just burst into tears because I couldn't talk to him. He kept telling me about how he didn't believe breaks could make anything better in a relationship and that we needed to be together to work things through. So the next day, we went to the beach together and I felt a bit better. I still felt sad for the next few weeks, but nothing was really the same. I guess it was just that "honeymoon phase" that was gone.

 

*note, since before we started going out, we'd text 24/7, and we still do it, which is probably part of the reason why I'm feeling the way I do.

 

After October, we worked on our problems. We also started getting a little intimate (don't worry guys, I'm still a virgin). Still, I sometimes felt like there was something wrong, even though there wasn't really anything wrong. He respects me, does anything for me, and he just tries to be the best boyfriend he can.

 

In January, he started going to college. He changed a lot, like, he "matured" but not in a good way. He started acting as if he were the most important thing on the planet because he was now in college. He tried to be smarter than me at everything (even though he wasn't, since I've always been in advanced courses that he could never survive in). It got to a point where I couldn't stand him because he had just become so arrogant that I didn't know what to do. That's when we had our first real fight.

 

--Something I didn't tell you guys about October is that after that "mental breakdown" of mine, I've been really vulnerable towards several things.--

 

In January he also had a car crash (he had a license already). I knew I really loved him because of how worried I got when he told me about it.

 

Now, instead of telling you exactly what happened from January till now, I'm just gonna give you a quick summary:

 

• We go out a lot. He does make me happy for the most part. He treats me like a princess basically.
  
• We've fought a few times. I cry a lot (he's made me cry at least 10 times this year).
  

 

I guess we have a pretty normal relationship until now, except for the crying, but I've couldn't help but notice a few things. We have completely different goals for the future; I want to be a musician, and he wants to be a computer programmer. He plays a lot of video games. He has very little common sense and I have to say things several times to him so that he can understand things. He says and does hurtful things sometimes and makes me cry.

 

I can't criticize him though; I do care about him. I love him with all my heart. He's my boyfriend, but most importantly he's my best friend. We still text 24/7, we call each other every night. He comes to my house or takes me out every weekend. We laugh a lot together...

 

The flaws I've gotten out of this are: I kind of became entirely dependent on him (I barely hang out with my friends outside of school because I'm always with him). Whenever I don't hear from him, I get really worried. Whenever he talks to a girl, I'd get extremely suspicious. I cry a lot. I've also noticed all his flaws.

 

The thing also is, he says he wants to marry me, and I want to get my act together before settling down. I want to go to college in New York City (which he dislikes) and I want to travel. I live in Puerto Rico, and I want to go to college in the states. I really don't think that our relationship will last after I leave, even though he says that we can "make it work". Another thing is, that now that I actually do have friends, I want to enjoy my senior year and go out with them as much as I can. Just this week I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival and had a great time. The thing is that I went without my boyfriend and kind of had to limit myself in a lot of things (like who I hung out with, who I danced with, what I did, etc.). I've never been person to go out a lot, but now that I've tried being social and really enjoyed it, I want to do it more often, but I feel that in my relationship, I won't be able to do that.

 

I love my boyfriend, and I don't really want to break up with him. I don't think at least. I don't want things to change, I enjoy going out with him every weekend, but I also enjoy going out with my friends. I'm so confused. I also feel like I have a crush on a friend of mine, but I don't know if that's just me actually attracted to him, or just me wanting to hang out with him more often because he's interesting (because in my old school, I had a guy best friend also that was like my brother that I could tell anything to and could just mess around in a playful innocent way, so I don't know if all this is just me longing to find a close friend like that one). I'm so confused. (Oh and even if I did have an attraction to him, I know that things would never work out between us).

 

I don't want to break up. I couldn't even if I wanted to, he'd be crushed if I did. He has a horrible past (his dad died, his ex girlfriend abused him, he had a smoking/drinking/drug problem) and I don't want him to fall into his depression again so he starts doing all those things. His family even loves me, so they'll be disappointed too. I don't want to hurt anyone, but by doing that, I don't know if I'm hurting myself.

 

I don't even know if I'm just in a rut. All these feelings started AFTER I went out with my friends at the festival. I was with my boyfriend before it and was normal and "in love" with him without all these problems. I don't even know if this is just the same thing I went through in October (cause it's similar) and I don't know if I'll just get over this in a few days.

 

 

I can't tell him this, so I just need advice. If this is too complicated, just tell me what you need to be clear on and I'll explain.