My bf has killed the trust he worked so hard to gain

[bl0nde0ne]

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I dont know what to do???? Ive been with my bf for a little over a year, and he has been the best guy I have ever been with up until now. When we first started dating I told him that trusting guys is one of the things i struggle with the most. for the first 5 months or so he proved to me that he would do anything to gain my complete trust, and he did. he stopped talking to ex gf's, he stopped talking with girls that i didn't personally like, he never went out drinking or partying with out me, and he told me that he would stop with watching all the porn movies looking at magazines and looking at stuff on the computer. I didn't expect him to cut it alllll out cold turkey, and every once in a while i would find a new magazine or new pictures of women on his computer, I wouldn't get mad but i would talk with him and make sure he understood that all that stuff hurt my feelings. That i felt Dis-respected and inadequit. It even became a problem with our sex life because he would rather use his hand instead of me to take care of his business. so after about 5 or so months he really proved to me that he was trust-worthy, i hadn't come across any porn and our sex life was improving; he would always had me look into his eyes whenever i questioned about certain things, and he would tell me i need to stop questioning him because he would never lie to me. Until the other day i went on his computer to look something up and i came across 15 new porn videos he had downloaded off the Internet. i felt sick because my trust had been broken plus the fact that he lusts for these women. He had also confessed to flirting with other girls online but he swears he has never met any of them. he tells me he knows he is wrong and he would take it all back if he could. i tell him i don't know if i want to be with him because i cant be with a liar, it will take a miracle for me to trust him again. Besides all that he is a great guy he always tells me how beautiful i am, he talks about a future together and everything. I want to be with him. but i don't know if i can get the trust back?

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

What's wrong with your man watching porn when he's alone...it's better than him going out cheating! Flirting online is another issue but sounds like you have major self esteem and insecurity issues! I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to figure out while all of this bothers you so much and work on it and then persue a relationship!

[bl0nde0ne]

Well its one thing to watch porn i didnt have a problem with it for a while but when it started becoming a problem with our sex life then thats when i wanted it stopped. but then he went behind my back and lied to me about not watching it anymore, and admitted to me that he is addicted to it like some people are addicted to ciggerettes. but he said he is willing to stop for good cause he doesnt want to hurt me again. ya i have some insecurity issues form past relationships and he was well aware of them and told me he wanted to help me through those and he did and for a while it was great i never felt insecure until he lied to me.

[magda]

If he's addicted like cigarettes... I can understand why he would lie. I mean, I've been a smoker.. and sometimes you just wanna sneak a cigarette. Maybe I told someone I quit - but admitting I had a cigarette... would feel rotten. Plus, if I admitted I had a cigarette, I'd have to face the wrath and I wouldn't want to bother with that unless I was a full blown smoker. I dunno.

 

You say that it wasn't affecting your sex life - you just found the porn, you had no idea about it otherwise? If your relationship was perfectly fine other than these things you caught him with... he was protecting you from being hurt, he thought, by not telling you. You should probably break up with him now if you cannot handle this being an issue - otherwise you should be somewhat more leniant about your discovery. Like, tell him never to do it again but stop snooping and never bring it up again unless it affects your sex life? It's entirely up to you.

[bl0nde0ne]

ya its hard to say because its like sex will be good for a while and like all of a sudden its like gone and thats when i get suspicious and i know its not right but ya i snoop and thats when i found it. its fine with me if he can maintain a healthy sexual relationship with me but if he cant then i think he needs to choose it or me and thats what i told him.

[Cricket96]

I think you need to lose him. A guy who watches porn doesn't respect their woman. If he digs you, he'd stop. Plus, I don't know how he'll be after marriage. What, still watching porn? Ugh. My guy use to watch porn, but when he dated me, he stopped. He wasn't addicted to it or anything. I don't care if he has a sexy lady on his desktop wallpaper, but he doesn't do it either. You need a good man.

[miss3_gals]

only you just know how to hanld this......i hope you will find the way...dear!

[johan]

I agree with Magda.

 

Do you own him? He's an adult man who is making a choice how to behave when he's on his own. You're making it a moral issue. You could simply request a change of behavior, because you think he could satisfy you better if he'd stay away from the porn. Instead you're making it a drop dead choice and using your "broken" trust as an excuse. The fact is, if you were really capable of loving without fear, then you could simply complain (maybe loudly) and continue loving him. If you aren't capable of loving without fear, then this is just the first in a long string of issues you're going to have with him. I believe if you asked, he would try to change like he already has tried, because he loves you. You're making it clear your love is conditional, you're threatening to leave. You're making your relationship into a contract based on possession, not love.

 

You're with a human being who had a life before you came along. He's proven to be a good guy who will try for you. I wonder if you understand what that really means.

 

I agree by the way that porn is a weakness for men. It's probably something that should be avoided. It doesn't make you a better person to view it. It's not healthy to rely on it for anything. It isn't all by itself a sign of a weak character or a lack of morals in a guy who otherwise does a good job of managing his life. Forget what it means and either love him or leave. You're the one with the choice to make. Not him.

[anonymous]

I've got a low self esteem myself, and whenever my feelings show about naked women in movies and stuff, my husband downloads porn, saying that it will make me get over my insecurities. But it's making me worse I'm afraid. I'm trying hard to hide my emotions when this happens. Last night I was frustrated about something else (not about porn or women/jealousy) and he thought I was mad that he was looking at porn (he was just browsing porn movies on someones computer at a computer party) and automatically assumed I was angry at him. So he copied 100's of porns onto his computer and brought them home...That night I tried to explain to him, I wasn't mad at him - I'd feel much better that he just "previewed" them at the party instead of bringing them into our home to use them against me.

 

Personally, I think it's disgusting, and since I'm christian, and he's supposedly christian, I don't think that it is right. I am wondering if I should get a divorce, however, it would be difficult since I love him, but he's the type that doesn't want to be told what to do, on anything, and he doesn't seem to be the one to change. I'm trying to change, but he's not helping either. I feel I'd have better luck just being single or finding a better guy (even though me and my husband are very compatible). I go through physical changes when he "punishes" me with porn. I get uncontrollably shaky, chills, severe nausea (vomited a few times), dry mouth, headaches, suicidal thoughts (sometimes), etc. I'm seriously upset with porn, and I've told him.

 

I don't mind the naked women in movies, I can deal with that. But when it comes to him downloading porn to piss me off, that's another story and I don't think it's right.

(He never uses porn for his sexual satisfaction either.)

[Fritz]

Originally posted by bl0nde0ne

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I dont know what to do???? Ive been with my bf for a little over a year, and he has been the best guy I have ever been with up until now. When we first started dating I told him that trusting guys is one of the things i struggle with the most. for the first 5 months or so he proved to me that he would do anything to gain my complete trust, and he did. he stopped talking to ex gf's, he stopped talking with girls that i didn't personally like, he never went out drinking or partying with out me, and he told me that he would stop with watching all the porn movies looking at magazines and looking at stuff on the computer.

 

Ouch. Control his life much? I would think he'd have issues with your demands on who can or can't speak with.

[savethedrama4allama]

I am tired of people yelling at others for having problems with porn. Every man and woman has the right to define their relationships for themselves. Some allow porn, some enjoy it together, some don't allow it at all. That is every person's personal business and it does NOT mean that they are insecure or controlling if they don't want porn in their relationships. All that matters, blondeone, is if you do not want him looking at any kind of porn you have to SAY SO. Point blank. If he refuses to comply or you bust him lying about it, you two are just not meant to be together. Its that simple. Your views should align on the subject, and it does not mean that either of you are bad or wrong if they don't.

[Devalued]

I know how you feel BlondeOne. Sure, some girls don't mind their guys looking at porn, but for others, it really hurts.

 

It raises all sorts of questions such as "does he think about those women while we're together?" or "am i not enough for him?" I understand men naturally like to see naked women. It's worse when they lie about it. They feel ashamed for looking at it, and they will look for any escape.

 

My boyfriend talks to girls online and accepts their naked pictures. I wasn't snooping, he accidently clicked on it when we were online together. He says they were lesbians and he was "just curious". sometimes he doesn't bother to be discreet. When watching TV, he'll see a half-naked sexy woman and he'll make little noises at them, and I'm right there. He says "he's just kidding" but he continues to do it.

 

He promised me before he would never look at porn again. But, he still does. We've been together 5 years, I don't know if I trust him anymore. I find myself wanting to snoop, eavesdrop, and control him. I know I can't, but it still makes me nervous when he talks to other women.

 

Looking at porn for long enough leads to being numb to it. Once that happens, a person will look for a real life sexual gratification that is often times worse than the images on screen.

 

Every relationship needs trust. Yes he is his own man, but don't you deserve someone who will be man enough to honor your wishes?