empty

[Ariana717]

This might be long, so to anyone reading, please bear with me. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me in June and I can honestly say I have never loved anyone or anything more than I loved him.

 

We were in a long distance relationship, so it got rough at times but he always told me that no matter what, no matter how hard it got, he would never leave. I told him so many times never to make a promise if he didn't know he could keep it or if he did not intend to keep it but he still promised so much. That I was the one, that nothing would come between us, that he'd never leave me no matter what.

 

But he left, and now I feel so broken up. its only been almost 3 months, and I know that might not be a very long time but I thouht id be at least a little bit better by now. But I feel like I didth first week.

 

Every day is different, but every day is a strggle. Some days are far better than others. I have good days where I feel okay, I feel somewhat positive. I think "one day ill find someone who is perfect for me" and "I know he'll find someone perfect for him" and its okay.

 

But then I have my bad days. Where I completely break down, and I really honestly feel like I just can't take it. Sometimes it hurts so bad that Id honestly rather be dead. I end up getting into, I don't know, I guess a panic attack of some sort..where I just cry so hard, so hard that it feels like all the pain bottled up was pouring out. And I can't breathe and I don't know what to do. Ill think about him and why he couldn't just hold on like he promised. What I did wrong and what I could have done to save us.

 

We haven't talked in about 3 weeks, and honestly I don't think we'll ever speak again. At the beginning I tried the no contact thing. There were days where id slip up and text him. And then there were days where he would randomly, out of the blue, text me.

 

Every time we would talk, it was an rgument. Wed start off small talking and I would end up asking why he did it. Or why we couldlnt work things out. I couldn't keep it in, I felt like I needed to ask him, it was killing me not to. And every time he would say something that would make it seem like he wanted me back, and wanted to be together again, but then he'd say we couldn't. And then he wouldn't text me back for days. It was like he was playing with me, as if he didn't already torture me and break my heart and hurt me enough.

 

I remember one time he texted me, asking me how work and school was going. I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said "no, I can't even think about that... are you?" And I said kind of. Because this guy at my work had been asking me out, just as friends at that point but he wanted to eventually date me. So I thought, well, jake (my ex boyfriend) doesn't want me anymore, what's wrong with hanging out with someone who might like me? And honestly, I just wanted to see if jake would care at all. And he did. He started saying things like, "I can't even look at other f***ing girls and you're already all over some other guy" and "Id be better off dead, it doesn't matter anymore, I f***ed everything up, what's the point in living"

 

It was things like that that kept me holding on. He always acted like we were going to get back together but if I asked him if we were he would say "I don't know" but I knew the answer was no.

 

After I told him I was "kind of" seeing someone else, which after that I told him we were just friends and it wasn't even like that, he told me that he still belongs to me, and that he never wanted to break up and things like that.

 

Around july 22nd he told me he was in new york (where I live) with his friend, visiting his family. He said that if wecould meet up and see each other , then we could get back together and everything would be okay. At that point, we had fought, and I was a wreck..so I told him I didn't want to see him, that seeing him would only make things worse and that even if we did, he wouldn't continue to wait for me. And he said that he would wait for me. I said something else, I don't really remember what it was but after that he never responded. And we haven't talked since.

 

But a few nights ago I texted him. I was bored, on facebook so I looked through my messages. I thought that I erased everything from him but I guess I missed a few messages. They were messages from MONTHS ago, when things were perfect..and then a few from recently, right before we broke up, when things were terrible. I read them, knowing it was a bad idea, and when I read them I couldn't believe how I was acting in the messages. Reading them, I realize it was all my fault that we broke up. If I hadn't held such a stupid grudge on him that made me so resentful and angry towards him, we would probably still be together. Its like I was just feeling too sorry for myself to realize how stupid I was acting. So I texted him, apologizing for everything. He didn't answer, which I suspected, and so I believe that's it.

 

I just can't seem to get over it. I feel so broken down. I'm so mad at myself and I'm so upset with him. I feel lost and empty. I love and miss him so much, and I just want him to call me up and say he's sorry and that he wants to work it out but I know he won't and I know its over and it hurts every second of every day because I honestly believed that this was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And now he's gone and I know no other man will ever take his place. I know I will never find another guy like him and I will never love someone the way I loved him and it hurts to know I lost that.

 

These past 6 months have been my worst. Not just the break up, but in march one of my best friends killed herself. I know its almost been 6 months but I miss her more than anything and it kills me everyday to think that she's really gone and she's not coming back. And if you think you can't get any worse, my friend erick died 6 days ago. There's just so much I can't take right now, and all I want is some peace of mind.

 

I don't know, its 2am and I can't sleep and I thought maybe some people would have some advice or something to say that would make me feel a little better, so I came on loveshack. Cause everyone always makes me feel better on here.

[smudge21]

Sorry to hear what you're going through - makes a few others on here, me included, with our problems seem a little pale in comparison.

 

I think you've got so much building up lately that simply advice is not what you need. I would definitely suggest talking to a professional - someone who can listen to all your problems and give you focus. You'll get good advice on here no doubt, but sometimes you just need to speak to someone face to face.

 

I do find it odd that he chose to leave and yet he is the one having a hard time dealing with you being friends with other guys. Then again, I've seen it many times when a dumper has seemed to move on yet can't let the one he/she dumped move on also. It's like they feel they still have some connection to the ex they've left. They'll go dating and seeing others but the idea that they're ex can do the same is somehow wrong. It seems to happen more when guys dump girls and then the girl meets someone knew. Jealousy kicks in even though it was them that left.

 

You already know that no contact is the best way to go, and looking at past memories is only going to hurt. I kept hold of my ex's 1000 odd text messages and would remind myself of happier times, but that moment of joy was always quickly replaced my long periods of sadness.

 

Seriously consider speaking to a counsellor, especially if you're feeling so low as to consider ending it. Nothing is worth taking ones own life over, definitely not a relationship. Believe me I've also felt that low through a few failed relationships but each time, things have got better and I've met someone new, someone better. Then looking back it's sad to think how low I actually got. Don't give in and stay strong.