Milsch Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 The title says pretty much everything. I've posted before, but here's a brief summary: girl and I were together a year, we had terrible communication, so lots of things went unsaid. She was in love with me but thought I was about to break up with her and so she says she made herself stop loving me about a month ago (and then recently broke up with me). We still see each other occasionally and I've now told her I love her. We still have an amazing time together. She told me she is still totally attracted to me, that she misses everything about me, etc. But she said she doesn't love me anymore. My plan - which I know runs counter to the NC dogma - is to show her how much I love her and create as many really great moments together as possible. My question, aimed in particular at women, is this: is there any hope that her feelings will come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Milsch Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I know I am answering my own question, but this made me really happy. Would love to hear others' experiences though! Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 The title says pretty much everything. I've posted before, but here's a brief summary: girl and I were together a year, we had terrible communication, so lots of things went unsaid. She was in love with me but thought I was about to break up with her and so she says she made herself stop loving me about a month ago (and then recently broke up with me). We still see each other occasionally and I've now told her I love her. We still have an amazing time together. She told me she is still totally attracted to me, that she misses everything about me, etc. But she said she doesn't love me anymore. My plan - which I know runs counter to the NC dogma - is to show her how much I love her and create as many really great moments together as possible. My question, aimed in particular at women, is this: is there any hope that her feelings will come back? Yes, there is hope. People fall in and out of love with each other all the time. Especially married couples. Married couples have highs and lows in their marriage, and there are periods they report not being in love with their spouse, and then there are times they recapture that love for each other. So just keep romancing her, and I think her feelings will redevelop for you. Then I would suggest working on better communication or problem resolution, if that is what caused problems for you to begin with, so that it doesn't damage your relationship in the future. But first work on rekindling the love, then you may want to seek couples counseling to work on any communication issues or whatever that you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Milsch Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Thanks! Well... she got in touch again tonight and probably seeing her tomorrow... so who knows? Not going to get too carried away yet though. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Shoot, I'd tell her to leave me alone so I can find someone that WILL love me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelai Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm attracted to my ex, I miss him, and I acknowledge that I still love him. I had to work very hard to try to fall out of love with him -- there is a difference between loving and being in love. My question for you, before you intrude on letting her heart heal by getting back together too soon.... are *you* in love with her, or do you only love her? Did you only tell her you loved her after she left you? Or had this been something that had been said before? We girls want a man who wants us when we're there, not just when we're gone and they're missing us. Do you *really* want her that way? If you do.... From the way your other post ran, it sounds like she has serious doubts about your feelings (and no, skinnydipping with a female friend didn't help matters any at all) and is trying to keep her heart safe -- it's a similar position to the one I'm in (he told me he wants me back this week, I'd been full NC for a long time and then very low contact), although there wasn't as much time invested. I hadn't allowed myself to even consider getting back together with him. Now that he's asking, I'm definitely nowhere near ready to say "Yes" and give him the clean slate that everyone deserves in a reconciliation attempt. What would it take for me to be ready? I don't know. I know what I want to feel when I'm with someone. I want to feel loved and wanted. I want to feel special. I want to feel like I'm a priority, not an option. Ways to make a girl feel that way: One big way is to make plans in advance and keep them. Don't just call to hang out the same day you want to hang out. You don't have to make it a "date", cooking dinner for someone in your own house can be casual but still show that you put thought and effort into a pleasant evening. There are other ways, but you'll want to look at your own feelings and your own actions in the past to see what you think might have demonstrated that you didn't put her first. Small things mean a lot. Then make those changes in those habits... and let her see them. And even if these changes in how you see/treat women who you are interested in don't end up benefiting her, they'll be good habits to get into for whoever you end up with. Also, don't pressure her about sex or make moves. I would say honestly at this point see it as off the table and just deal with any frustration that might cause -- you have a hand, there's a bathroom, if that's what it takes before she comes over to keep from making a move while she's there, it wouldn't be a bad idea. Sorry for the bluntness but if she has doubt about your emotions then sex is just going to make things much more complicated for her... Remember that it takes 60 days to make a new habit or break an old one. If you choose the route you said, to try to show her that you're safe to feel something for, you may not get everything sorted out on your end in changing those habits for at least that long. It may take her even longer to see those habits. But unless she broaches the subject I'd wait at least that long, if not perhaps more like 90 days, before broaching the subject of a relationship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Orianne Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 If she really forced herself to fall out of love like you say, then that probably wont last. When people truly fall out of love, they tend to feel indifferent towards their former partner--the attraction is dead. It almost sounds like she's convincing herself that she doesn't love you in order to protect herself from heartache--you did say she broke up with you because she thought you were gonna break up with her, right? She gets the upper hand by breaking up with you first. I'd take things slow and see where they lead. Don't put any pressure on her. If she's trying to suppress feelings, they'll eventually surface. But don't get hopeful. Nothing is worse than having your heart broken twice by the same person... At this point, I'd almost say to just let her go, because it seems like she's playing games. Just my opinion though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Milsch Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Well, we were meant to be meeting up tonight but she asked to postpone at the last minute. I dunno if she's playing games... or if she's indifferent. I wish I didn't care so much. I managed to hold it together OK though pretty much; asked if she was sure, then said 'cool.. another time then! bye!' Argh, it sucks so much. Was in a great mood all day, now this. Link to post Share on other sites
wolf1one Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Well, we were meant to be meeting up tonight but she asked to postpone at the last minute. I dunno if she's playing games... or if she's indifferent. I wish I didn't care so much. I managed to hold it together OK though pretty much; asked if she was sure, then said 'cool.. another time then! bye!' Argh, it sucks so much. Was in a great mood all day, now this. Hey man, like a previous poster said ... take it slow. I think one mistake a lot of people do with rekindling is trying to pick up where they left off, and getting too serious about things. It sounds to me like you are taking it personally that she had a conflict in schedule. Just remember that you guys are EX's, and she is not obligated to anything ... this to her is just a first date. And like any first date .... people sometimes will flake out. Try to go slow and make a completely new relationship. One with new memories that wipe out the old ones. This usually creates some new sparks between you and your ex. I'm actually pretty good at getting my ex's back ... but mind you ... this means nothing. You can be charming, offer them a new relationship, and hope for the best ... but every time things will just revert back to old problems if nothing ever got fixed. My current ex has come back to me 3 times ... and each time we ended, it was about the same thing. This time she ended it, I just told her that's fine, because I truly think she needs to work on some things. I told her that I don't take any of it personally, and that I mutually think we should break up. This was the hardest thing for me to let her go ... but it was the right decision. Who knows about us ... I just know I wanted the best for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Milsch Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Argh - messed up today by telling her I love her. So she then said she couldn't see me on consecutive weekends. Not seeing her for two weeks now. I think my plan's the right one, but it damn hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
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