mv6458 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 So for those of you who do not know my story here's a little insight. My H of thirteen years had or is having an EA with a coworker. I discovered this in Feb of this year and tried to give him a chance to end it and heal our marriage. I don't feel he has supported my efforts at all in healing our marriage because I went to IC and he refused any counselling at all. I have tried to open up to him and see things from his side so I can understand what went wrong with us to allow this EA to happen in the first place. I have always been met with anger and hostility from him. I have tried date nights for us without our kids so we can concentrate on reconnecting. Again I am met with anger and hostility. I asked him for transparency with his cell phone and bank account so I can learn to trust him again. Once again I am met with anger and hostility. He says he feels like I am trying to control him and I treat him like a kid. So I have finally decided he doesn't want to help me heal and I need to do that on my own without him. I told him on Monday that I was leaving him, I had my things packed and the kids and I were going to my parents'. He actually said to me that he was a little releived about it. I have not had contact with him since. I figure it's best to just cut my ties right now so I can concentrate on my well being. However I have to have limited contact with him regarding our children. So this morning I had to call him regarding an event at our daughter's school and I just simply asked him what he wants to happen with us. His response was he doesn't know. That tells me he is struggling with a decision and if he has to struggle to decide he doesn't really want to be with me. But he also tells me he didn't want me to leave. I am staying firm with my decision to leave and I made it clear to him I would not go back until his decision was clear to me and my kids and he was not on the fence anymore. If that never happens, I will never go back. The one thing I am having a hard time dealing with is him telling me he does love me and wants to be with me and the kids but he is not going to allow me to control him and question him about his actions. I feel as though I have simply asked him for transparency, not demanded in any way. Yet he refuses. And even after he sees I am serious and I left because of it he still refuses. I can't rebuild trust if he can't help me do that by being transparent but I can't make him understand that. So I will not contact him anymore except strictly about the kids and I will wait to see if he can understand my perspective. But in the meantime I am going to an attorney in a few days and I want to get a seperation agreement so he sees I am serious and willing to take action. Has anyone ever had a WS react to paperwork like this positively or negatively? I'm curious to see how it made them feel. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm sorry to read about your story. My W also had/is having an EA and she too said I was just trying to control her when I put conditions for working on fixing our marriage. Nothing will be fixed as long as the person they are having an EA is in the picture and there is no transparency. My wife asked for a divorce, left the house and when we met next I gave her a divorce agreement I had worked on. She was stunned and commented how overwhelmed she was. I found that odd since she is the one asking for the divorce. What did she expect? That was 3 months ago. You are doing the right thing with LC. Work on yourself and take care of your kids. I went full NC, started going to the gym, became more social, I'm taking some classes at the community college, I am traveling, lots of counseling too. It's still hard as hell but I'm beginning to have more good days than bad. I'm far from done but I'm heading down the right path. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it. The affair is most definitely continuing. Why are you having a separation agreement? Why not a divorce/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it. The affair is most definitely continuing. Why are you having a separation agreement? Why not a divorce/ Guess I am holding out hope that he may wake up and realize I am trying to give him a chance to help save our marriage. And to be honest I know if he gets D papers he will be very angry and react out of anger. Yet I realize D is a real possibility for us at this stage. I just don't want him to react out of anger only to realize he wants to work things out at a later time. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Guess I am holding out hope that he may wake up and realize I am trying to give him a chance to help save our marriage. And to be honest I know if he gets D papers he will be very angry and react out of anger. Yet I realize D is a real possibility for us at this stage. I just don't want him to react out of anger only to realize he wants to work things out at a later time. You can't control what he does and how he feels. You can only control what you do and what you feel. Do what is right for you. Divorce is complicated and long and you can stop it anytime you want. Even after it's final, nothing says you can't get back together again. Just know that as long as the EA is continuing he will not change his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I really don't want to control him and I know I can't control his feelings. I just don't want mixed signals from him. I want him to say either he wants the marriage or he doesn't. But guess if I had my way he never would have had an EA either! So I am learning a hard lesson day by day. I am letting him go with an open mind. He may come back and he may not. Either way I know I will be okay. I am going to get through this and come out stronger. Thanks for your insight. It really helps to hear other perspectives. I will keep updating my progress for those interested. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 At this stage it could help you if a relative could act as go between. Limit your contact as much as you can Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Guess I am holding out hope that he may wake up and realize I am trying to give him a chance to help save our marriage. And to be honest I know if he gets D papers he will be very angry and react out of anger. Yet I realize D is a real possibility for us at this stage. I just don't want him to react out of anger only to realize he wants to work things out at a later time. trust me, he's wide awake... many of us who have gone through the same thing as you have have made the same mistake... we keep worrying what the cheating spouse might do or how they'll act when in reality they could give a s%$t about us... do what is best for you and your kids, let him get mad or whatever, he doesn't care. In fact if it where to EVER work out between you two then you HAVE to be strong and look out for yourself because taking him back will require you to be strong, set boundaries and follow through with consequences if he crosses those boundaries... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 so still no real contact between us other than logisitcs about the house, dog, etc. I'm a little angry with him right now because he has had no contact with our kids and I don't know if that is just to hurt me or because he doesn't want to have to go through me to contact them. (they are 6 and 3) But once again I can't control his actions, so guess we'll just have to see what he does in that area. hoping I can get a good night's sleep and feel refreshed tomorrow! today was a little rough because my kids are sad that they don't get to see their daddy anymore and I find that hard to deal with. (To be honest I don't feel I should have to deal with that all alone, since he's the one that had the EA!) But it will get easier with time I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
rugbyplayer1990 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 thank you for sharing your story! I look forward to hearing about your day tomorrow. You are very strong and that gives me streangth:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I really don't want to control him ... I just don't want mixed signals from him. I want him to say either he wants the marriage or he doesn't. Sorry, there's a contradiction. He is clearly doing and saying whatever he wants, with little or no regard for you or your marriage. Seems like you've given him chance, chance and chance again and he has stuffed it up EVERY time. He has had over 6 months to get his act together yet still he is walking all over you and disrespecting your relationship. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, I will not be a doormat, I will not accept being treated like sh*t by you! You need to ask him if he's IN or OUT of the marriage, and if he can't say 100% one way or the other then that is not acceptable to you and it means OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Sorry, there's a contradiction. He is clearly doing and saying whatever he wants, with little or no regard for you or your marriage. Seems like you've given him chance, chance and chance again and he has stuffed it up EVERY time. He has had over 6 months to get his act together yet still he is walking all over you and disrespecting your relationship. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, I will not be a doormat, I will not accept being treated like sh*t by you! You need to ask him if he's IN or OUT of the marriage, and if he can't say 100% one way or the other then that is not acceptable to you and it means OUT. You are so thinking what I am thinking! He has had plenty of time to come out of his fog and make a decision one way or another. I will not sit around waiting on him to choose me. If he wants our marriage then he will commit 100%, and he has not been willing to do that. That is exactly why I left the house. If he knows what he wants then there shouldn't be any question of his choice and he shouldn't need time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 thank you for sharing your story! I look forward to hearing about your day tomorrow. You are very strong and that gives me streangth:rolleyes: I am learning just how strong I am becuase of this situation. And sometimes I even surprise myself! Today has been a good day so far. And he tried to call me and I didn't answer or call him back. That really feels good- I am empowered by the fact I didn't feel the need to try and talk to him. I am staying focused on my well being and my children, of course. Don't get me wrong, I have weak moments but I refuse to let that get the best of me! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Yes, sounds like you need to ask him for his final answer and do not accept ny more pontificating. If he cannot commit 100% then divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I have been through the Up and Down; In and Out game for over two years with my husband. The reason was because he was STILL CHEATING without my knowledge. That generally makes it harder for them to figure their crap out. And he used the same whining excuse about being controlled. Leave him right the Hell alone. You know if you poke at him that you only get negative results. Watch the actions, not the words or his blaming-whining. Filing for D would take a little time anyways. He might pull his head out of his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 You are so thinking what I am thinking! He has had plenty of time to come out of his fog and make a decision one way or another. be careful when saying things like "when he wakes up" or "come out of his fog"... sometimes when we say those things we convince ourselves that these chaeters are under some kind of trance, they're not sleeping and they are not in any fog... they know 100% what they are doing. I understand that in most of these situations we say that because the person who we were supposed to trust 100%, the person who was supposed to have our backs no matter what has all of a sudden changed. It is like Night of the Living Dead in some sense. They sort of look the same but they are totally different. The reason I stress these points is that I have known folks who took back cheaters with no consequences, they said things like "so and so was in an affair fog and is now out of it and he/she wants me back!" They're all excited about getting this cheater back in their life. So remember, nobody is asleep, nobody is in a fog.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 I have been through the Up and Down; In and Out game for over two years with my husband. The reason was because he was STILL CHEATING without my knowledge. That generally makes it harder for them to figure their crap out. And he used the same whining excuse about being controlled. Leave him right the Hell alone. You know if you poke at him that you only get negative results. Watch the actions, not the words or his blaming-whining. Filing for D would take a little time anyways. He might pull his head out of his ass. I'm sure this is the same situation with my H. His EA or PA (whichever it truly is) is not over either. There wouldn't be any excuses about controlling or anything else if he was 100% committed to working it out with me. So I did leave him, I am not contacting him and I am moving forward with a life for me and my children. I have an appointment with my attorney next week to proceed legally. AndI know he will try at some point to apologize with words, but his words mean nothing to me now. I need to see a 180 in him to even start paying attention to him again. And if that happens and he truly wants to work it out we can do that even if we are seperated or divorced. But I will not waste anymore time waiting on him to do anything. I took the step to seperate and I will take the other steps necessary to move on! Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'm sure this is the same situation with my H. His EA or PA (whichever it truly is) is not over either. There wouldn't be any excuses about controlling or anything else if he was 100% committed to working it out with me. So I did leave him, I am not contacting him and I am moving forward with a life for me and my children. I have an appointment with my attorney next week to proceed legally. AndI know he will try at some point to apologize with words, but his words mean nothing to me now. I need to see a 180 in him to even start paying attention to him again. And if that happens and he truly wants to work it out we can do that even if we are seperated or divorced. But I will not waste anymore time waiting on him to do anything. I took the step to seperate and I will take the other steps necessary to move on! My STBX also used the "reason" about me being so controlling for her EA (or PA, who knows). When we had the talk about divorce, I laid down the conditions for working it out and she also got defensive saying those conditions where nothing but control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Ok so still no real contact between us, but he did try to call me two times today. I did not answer his calls, I let it go to vm & he did not leave a message. But our daughter had a parent night at school so I sent him a text to ask if he needed something regarding the kids and he replied he was going to the school for parent night. So first time we have seen each other since our split. It was really easy for me to be around him because I know I have done the right thing. He really seemed uncomfortable. But we were there for our daughter and she felt good about it. He asked us to dinner afterward so I picked up our son from the babysitter and we met him. I was going to drop the kids off to him and he said no, please stay and eat with us. So I did. No conversation between us at dinner except about the kids. When it was time to leave he said "you really need to come home." I said sorry but that can't be because you chose not to respect me. He said good night to the kids and left. And I did not feel bad, sad or mad when he went. I am working toward my plan of taking care of me and I can feel it working! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Yay yay yay! It gets better here on in. Good days, bad days but all going towards something better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Well it was a good weekend overall. Not much contact between he and I until Saturday afternoon when he was off work and home all alone. I made plans with family all weekend and kept busy. But basically I am really torn right now because he says he just doesn't understand what I need him to do to make things right with us. And I feel as though I have communicated my expectations clearly to him numerous times. So I am following through with my appointment today at my attorney's office. But I really don't know if he is serious about reconciliation or what! So I am trying to move forward with my plans (without him) and see where things go. Just wondering if I haven't given it enough time or made clear to him what I expect to move forward. I know you can't put an exact date on this, but I don't want to make a wrong move either if there is a chance that my children could be with their father and not have to suffer through a divorce. Guess I'll see what the attorney advises! Link to post Share on other sites
fenderstrathss Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I really feel like you've made the right steps, but being the psychologist (not a counselor or licensed, just observant) I am, I can't help but read between the lines on a few things. It seems like you're doing these things simply as a means to manipulate him "out of the fog", which, as another person said, isn't as confusing as people like to make it out to be. It seems like you're really just waiting for him to decide to take you back when you weren't the one doing anything wrong. You need to sit down and think about if YOU want him back. If he is capable of hurting you this much and not even caring about it, why would you want to be with him at all? All I am saying is, you are a completely valuable person all on your own and don't need to be with someone who will knowingly hurt you in such ways. I would also like to point out that you keep hanging on to the idea that it is still an EA and I can tell you that it is physical and probably has been for a while. Trying to maintain the idea that it was and still is only an EA is a little bit of a defense mechanism. You need to expose yourself to all the cold truth and decide if YOU want him, if he deserves YOU, and if you could ever trust a man that so willingly hurt you like he has. He is not out of control of his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 I really feel like you've made the right steps, but being the psychologist (not a counselor or licensed, just observant) I am, I can't help but read between the lines on a few things. It seems like you're doing these things simply as a means to manipulate him "out of the fog", which, as another person said, isn't as confusing as people like to make it out to be. It seems like you're really just waiting for him to decide to take you back when you weren't the one doing anything wrong. You need to sit down and think about if YOU want him back. If he is capable of hurting you this much and not even caring about it, why would you want to be with him at all? All I am saying is, you are a completely valuable person all on your own and don't need to be with someone who will knowingly hurt you in such ways. I would also like to point out that you keep hanging on to the idea that it is still an EA and I can tell you that it is physical and probably has been for a while. Trying to maintain the idea that it was and still is only an EA is a little bit of a defense mechanism. You need to expose yourself to all the cold truth and decide if YOU want him, if he deserves YOU, and if you could ever trust a man that so willingly hurt you like he has. He is not out of control of his actions. Fender, you have made a great point. But just to clarify I am not waiting on him to do anything anymore. In the beginning I was doing exactly what you said about manipulating him to come back to me by leaving. But I have taken a new attitude about him and you're right this is my choice. And I do not want him back. Why waste time on a person that can't be truthful and does things to intentionally hurt me. Also I don't want to give the wrong impression by referring to his affair as just an EA. I know in my heart it was or is physical, I just have no proof of that so I refer to it as an EA for only that reason. I don't need proof to know it has been physical between them- there were many signs that I just didn't see at the time. Anyway I am progressing well. We have been separated for 12 days now and I don't wait to hear from him or even wonder what he is doing or if he is ok. I am concentrating on me (and my kids of course!) One of the other posts here says it gets easier with time and I am learning that to be true. Thanks for the insight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mv6458 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 So things have been moving along okay until this past Friday when I got a call from my husband's family telling me his uncle, whom I am very close to, was in a coma and the prognosis did not look good. Of course I felt like I needed to go to the hospital and see him while I could, and I did. I talked to my husband by phone and told him what was going on (because his family did not notify him.) He asked me if I would go back to the hospital with him when he got off of work. I agreed and went with him. Unfortunately his uncle passed away early Saturday morning. (Remember I have been a part of this family for 15 years now and my children loved this uncle dearly.) I made clear to my husband that I could put aside our differences during this difficult time and be there for him and he for me. Anyway we spent a lot of time in the same places this weekend because of this and it was a little akward. But his family welcomed me with open arms and treated me as they always have. They called me instead of him to break the news about his uncle, which speaks volumes! But this event seems to have made my husband look at life a little differently. He had family here from out of the country that I have never met that were unaware of our situation and they all kept telling him how beautiful his family was and how lucky he was. He actually commented to me after the funeral that he wants to get his life right. So hopefully he can make some personal progress. But things between us has not changed. However he did call me today to talk about his uncle & the loss of him. I listened and offered support. I can't be mean at a time like this. I do love him. That is the one thing that has not changed between us. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 sorry for your family's loss... you showed kindness and respect during this time. As for your husband only time will tell if this has changed him, more than likely it probably won't though... Link to post Share on other sites
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