I've been dating someone who said they were single, but I found out he's married!!!

[IndianaF78]

I started to talking to someone online back around the first of the year. We talked online for several months, and I wouldn't ever consider meeting him. One day at the end of march, I finally decided we had talked enough that I would be comfortable meeting with him. He came over a few times, nothing physical happened for a while. We did finally progress into a sexual relationship, and we've been maintaining this sexual relationship now for almost 2 months. Some things had me think he was hiding something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I did my own personal investigating, and found out that he's married. I've found out that everytime he refers to his "sister" (IE I need to pick my sister up at work, I have my sisters car today, etc) is really his wife. What makes it even a lil more worse is I'm a former, but recent co-worker of the wifes! I'm completely torn as to how to handle this. He doesn't know I know yet. I know if I was married, I would want to know my husband was cheating on me. I just don't know how to go about telling her...or should I tell him first and give him the chance to tell on himself? Granted, he's been lying so far, he'll probably try to lie his way out of this too. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I also found out she's pregnant. HELP, I'M SO TORN AS TO WHAT TO DO!!

[cookie12345]

You found yourself in a pickle huh? I don't know what to tell you to do. The guy's defintely a jerk, but you don't seem like you're going to stay with him, so that's one good thing. Don't know what you should do though.

[sdc]

I don't think you should tell his wife......she may not actually believe you that you didnt know he was married and so you might put yourself in the line of some fire that you don't deserve.

 

He knew what he was doing from the start and so there is no way HE is ever going to tell her. He is just a bad lot all round from what you have said. This wont be the first time he has done it nor the last. His wife will find out in time what he is like and one can only hope that is sooner rather than later for her.

 

But what I think you should do is just get as far away from him as you possibly can. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him in any way shape or form from this moment on. Delete every number you have or address or method of contacting him.. change your phone numbers etc so that he cant get in touch with you ever again.

 

Mind you, I think I could be sorely tempted to leave one last e-mail using the strongest language you can bear to type .. telling him exactly what he is! and then do the deleting thing!

 

He should work it out for himself from that why you are no longer available.

 

If you are in anyway feeling that you will miss him...... just read your post again and imagine that it is your closest friend or a sister telling you her story. and think what your advice would be to her.

 

Wish you all the best in your future life without this terrible person in it to screw things up for you.

[Clarity]

Originally posted by sdc

I don't think you should tell his wife......she may not actually believe you that you didnt know he was married and so you might put yourself in the line of some fire that you don't deserve.

 

....He is just a bad lot all round from what you have said. This wont be the first time he has done it nor the last. His wife will find out in time what he is like and one can only hope that is sooner rather than later for her.

 

But what I think you should do is just get as far away from him as you possibly can. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him in any way shape or form from this moment on. Delete every number you have or address or method of contacting him.. change your phone numbers etc so that he cant get in touch with you ever again.

 

If you are in anyway feeling that you will miss him...... just read your post again and imagine that it is your closest friend or a sister telling you her story. and think what your advice would be to her.

 

Wish you all the best in your future life without this terrible person in it to screw things up for you.

 

I Second Everything SDC said. Drop him! No contact; no more thoughts-block him out of your life as coldly and detachedly as you can and move on from the situation before his drama and bad behaviour can affect you anymore. He's the worst type of liar and what he did is unexcusable. Think of yourself first, detach yourself first and if later down the line you still feel the need to tell the wife, then come back to the situation once you have removed yourself from it a bit. That man does not care who he drags into his dysfunctional, crappy, valueless behaviors and it will catch up to him. Take care of you first and chances are you will escape alot of bullcrap. Good luck.

[IndianaF78]

I'm having no problems with dettaching from him emotionally. He's never been someone I've turned to with problems. Physically, it's not quite so easy, but any thought of his deceit eases my mind in a heart beat. I still feel like it's the "secret womens code of ethics" that might be drawing me to want to tell the wife. I know he's not going to leave her for me, I don't think that really ever happens...and if he did, I do NOT want him anyway. He's cute, but that's all he's got going for him after finding out about all of this. lol

 

I do agree that I should give it a little time before telling the wife, to make sure I don't confuse my feelings of "justice and what's right" with feelings of "hurt and/or revenge". I just don't know do I tell him to tell her, because I'm going to? Do I tell him I even know about his wife? or do I just ended with him, and then seek his wife out a few weeks down the road?

 

I've already made a few changes, took him off my messengers, blocked any private numbers, etc...but he still knows where I live. That worries me. I've kinda had an "open door" policy, he was welcome to come over when ever he wanted. So I assume when he thinks I haven't been online recently, he's going to just stop by.

 

At which point, something will have to happen. This is just sooooo confusing. I've said this, and i'll keep saying this....never in a MILLION years did I ever think I'd be in a situation like this. Thanks for the advice...please please keep it coming!

[liesandmorelies]

I just learned last week that the man that I was dating for 2.5 years and living with for 2 years has a 4 year old and a 7 year old and a wife back in mexico. We were planning to be married last week and I called his aunt due to an emergency situation, and she said that she had never heard of me and to never call or bother her again since he is happily married with a wife and kids in mexico. He has not left the country in 2.5 years and has spent all of his time with me.

 

Needless to say I am devastated and now must pick up the pieces and meet another marriage and life partner, and dont have much time since I am now 32. He pretended he was single and courted me the whole time. I confronted him over the phone and he said that yes that is true, but he split up with his wife years ago, but never got a divorce-she didnt want to give it to him.

 

all of the advice that the people above gave is correct, eliminate this man from your life and change your locks.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by IndianaF78

...but he still knows where I live. That worries me. I've kinda had an "open door" policy, he was welcome to come over when ever he wanted. So I assume when he thinks I haven't been online recently, he's going to just stop by.

 

Surely you don't mean that you leave the door to your house unlocked and that in the past, he's just been free to enter into your house without having to knock first? I'm assuming you mean that he's always been able to "drop by" without calling first. Can you clarify?

 

It's simple. If he ever stops by, why do you have to answer the door? Considering he's a lying f*ck, who's basically been using you, and betraying his wife, you don't owe him diddly. You're in no way obligated to speak to him should he come to your house to see you. What would make you think otherwise? Why is this even a possible issue?

 

But if you MUST speak to him, should he stop by, surely don't let him in your home...that would be insane....but through the door you could tell him that you want nothing more to do with a lying, cheating MARRIED MAN and leave it at that.

[IndianaF78]

Originally posted by befuddled11

 

Surely you don't mean that you leave the door to your house unlocked and that in the past, he's just been free to enter into your house without having to knock first? I'm assuming you mean that he's always been able to "drop by" without calling first. Can you clarify?

 

What I mean by that, is that yes, he can just drop by whenever he wants, not that he's free and clear to enter into my home whenever he wants. I know I do not owe him any explanations, and as I said earlier, I have no problems being detached from him, that's a done deal. I'm just trying to prepare myself for what probably will happen. I do have an extreme desire to rip him a new a--hole verbally, is that wrong? Should I stick a sock in it? I'm certain it would relieve some frustration, and I'm not someone who hides from conflict when I feel I've been wronged. Which might be why (partially and subconsciously) still desire to tell the wife.

[magda]

Not wrong to rip him a new one. If you were considering telling his wife you'd think you'd be able to do HIM the honors. Which you should.... great way to make sure he doesn't knock on your door, uh?

 

You might say,

"Hey, what's your home address? I might want to send you flowers."

"excuses, excuses"

"Oh - are you saying that because YOU'RE MARRIED TO MY EX-CO-WORKER [insert name and address]???"

(*click* *lives in fear*)

"heh heh heh"

[IndianaF78]

I told him last night! I told him EVERYTHING I know...i know her, I know she's pregnant, blah blah...he sat there in shock for a while, and we had a calm discussion about it. He said he was bored with his relationship, but he loves her. I asked what he thinks she'd do if she found out, and he got really scared and sad like, and he said she'll leave him. This is going to sound completely insane, but I a little tiny bit felt bad...I'm sure it's a mixture of confused emotions. I feel horrible for her, their unborn child, me because I was lied to, and him just a tiny bit, because his world might be crashing down on him soon. I don't want to inflict any sort of pain on anyone. I told him I definitely wouldn't do anyting for at least another week. And that I would give him the chance to tell her first if I deem it necessary. He sincerely apologized for lying to me, so of course my response was, are you sorry you got caught, or honestly sorry for putting me in a horrible situation I did not ask to be in. He leveled with me on everything, and I think I handled the situation as respectfully as possible. It was somewhat a sense of relief to get it out there, but now I've got a heavy burden of responsibility. At least I'm taking steps in the right direction.

[Clarity]

You don't have any sort of responsiblity to the situation at all. Let go and let God take over. Walk away now. The longer you prolong contact with either of them, the more you get sucked in, the more you feel bad for others, attached to the situation and all it's gonna do is dig a deeper hole for yourself. Let go and move on completely. That's what I think.

[miz_barby]

You should send her an anonymous letter either leave it on her car at work or something where you know SHE will get it. As only a suggestion of course, I would tell her that you met him online and basically the whole situation and let her know that you know she's pregnant and that you're very sorry and have cut all ties with him but from woman to woman you felt she had that right to know. I don't think that he deserves to be able to string that poor woman along. If it were me in the wifes position I would want to know, I think receiving a letter would be easier to deal with than having to look at the face of the woman my man betrayed me with.

However some of the other posts above have very good points...maybe it is better to just walk away but to be honest I think the wife deserves to know what has been happening behind her back (he shouldn't hurt people that way) if you don't say something he will probably do it again to someone else if he hasn't already!

[IndianaF78]

I'm 95 percent sure I want to tell her. Its definitely not the part of telling her that I want, but that I want her to know. There are presently 2 things holding me back...1. My own selfish reasons...I don't want to be subjected to the things I know I would probably say...regardless that I had no clue I was part of an affair, she's going to have "whore, slut, home wrecker" words that she'll probably want to say...and I don't want to deal with that. 2nd, and most importantly, is I don't want to cause her so much stress that she loses her baby, or has complications because of my action of telling her.

 

Since I'm pretty certain I do want to tell her, and it's going to have to be sooner rather than later, I can only think of 2 ways to do it:

 

1. Since she works retail, I could talk to her at work. I know that's not the best place to do it, but I do not have a phone number for her, and the MM told me they recently moved in with his mom for financial reasons occurring from the baby. So going to their home is out of the question. Another part of this, is that they currently have only one car, so he always picks her up from work. So waiting for her after work, is also out of the question, unless I wanted to deal with him too. So the only thing I could do face to face, would be at work, and it might have to be done on the spot. I don't want to get her in any trouble at work, hopefully she'd be able to take some kind of break or something, but there's the chance she wouldn't be able to, and I'd just have to spill the beans.

 

2. I have her mother's address...the MM told me that her family does not like him, so I'm certain I would have their support. I was thinking about either phoning the mother to ask her advice/tell her PARTIALLY what's going on OR sending the anonomous letter that was suggested here. I could even send a letter to the mother advising that because of her daughters condition, I didn't want to be responsible for any physical harm the stress might cause....so here's a letter to give to your daughter when/if you think it's right.

 

It seems as though I've made up my mind, although, I still have doubts. I feel I would lose all my integrity if I didn't tell her. If the same thing was happening to me, and it has, I would want to know. I don't think I could respect myself knowing I got caught up in something so bad, and just left it alone. Emotionally, that'd be the easiest thing for me to do. But easy isn't usually the best way. Thank you for your posts and advice. I have continued to look at your views, and it has helped, and it's GREATLY appreciated, knowing I can come here in an honest open forum, and not get one sided opinions.

[Yadda39]

Did you have his home phone number? Did you have his work phone number? How did he contact you?

[IndianaF78]

I had a cell phone number which we used to use, but a couple weeks before I told him, his work told him he didn't need it any more. And he then gave me another number, which I never used, because we talked enough that I never had to call him, but I later found out that number was fake.

So as of now, our main line of communication is email and instant messengers.

[Yadda39]

Originally posted by IndianaF78

I had a cell phone number which we used to use, but a couple weeks before I told him, his work told him he didn't need it any more. And he then gave me another number, which I never used, because we talked enough that I never had to call him, but I later found out that number was fake.

So as of now, our main line of communication is email and instant messengers.

 

So there is a connection between phone numbers and married men. I'm sure they don't want "us" calling them at home and the little woman answering the phone. Might blow it for them.

 

If I find out this man I am seeing is married ...he's dead meat..

[IndianaF78]

Haven't talked to the MM for over a week now, but its still eating me up. Still torn on what to do, or when to do it. His week is up. I still feel deep down I need to tell her, and it's eating me up inside.

[Yadda39]

Originally posted by IndianaF78

Haven't talked to the MM for over a week now, but its still eating me up. Still torn on what to do, or when to do it. His week is up. I still feel deep down I need to tell her, and it's eating me up inside.

 

She may already know more than you think. Wives are not always blind to these things.

 

I think you just need to go on with you life and forget theirs. This debating on whether or not to tell his wife is just prolonging your connection to him. I'd just leave it between them....You're out of it now.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

Yadda39 is right. The wife's information level is really not your concern. Besides, there is no simple, ethical, decent way to pass on this kind of data. Anonymous letters are unspeakably vile - and cruel. If you talk to the wife, you would need to be prepared to be called a liar or a slut. Or maybe a liar AND a slut (???!!!). The best thing to do, for you, would be to extract yourself from their lives, totally. Take care of yourself - the MM and his W sure aren't going to be taking care of you.