Trying to live with reconciliation after betrayal...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Since my post #89 and all are on point for the most part imo (no more trolls or trying to sabotage this thread).

 

Some additional points. Yes she has no right to be biotchy or prideful, but expect it to happen every once in a while and gauge it.

 

As said the good news (if such a thing) is this was a younger "latin lover" and am sure he is on to his next mark.

 

IC for Van is needed too. Don't like how her sessions have started from Van's comments. Again she may still be in a fog.

 

Van hasn't answered but also still concerned that Van says this is their first few days away together without the kids since the youngest was born, but she had no problems taking vacations with her friends. I say this because my spouse has these vacations on her own (and they work for us as I get to decompress, do things for my self, time with kids in a less stressed environment and catch up on work), and I have no issues. BUT, if she started these getaways on her own before the two of us got away, especially when Van describes the stress with the youngest child and the affect on sex, I would have been very pissed. As said weekends (or long weekends) away are basically to reconnect both inside and outside the bedroom away from the everyday minutiae.

 

Again like the progress of this thread......

[Sh0t]

I have little doubt Van's wife has changed at all, or had a change of heart. Van is the one who has changed.

 

Add me to the "MC is often crap" list.

[2long]

I have little doubt Van's wife has changed at all, or had a change of heart. Van is the one who has changed.

 

Add me to the "MC is often crap" list.

 

It is way 2 soon after d-day 2 expect much in the way of real remorse on the part of Van's W. And it's way 2 soon for her 2 expect Van 2 trust her.

 

I would expect that this recovery, if it becomes one (it isn't yet), will take at least a couple of years.

 

-ol' 2long

[Chi townD]

Well, I suspect some hysterical bonding going on here......

[2011aug]

It is way 2 soon after d-day 2 expect much in the way of real remorse on the part of Van's W. And it's way 2 soon for her 2 expect Van 2 trust her.

 

I would expect that this recovery, if it becomes one (it isn't yet), will take at least a couple of years.

 

-ol' 2long

 

would that be "2" years?

[sadcalifornian]

Van, you know your M is dysfunctional, right? A healthy M is based on mutual love and respect. This is something you do not have in your M. When the love and respect are so one-sided like in your case, it in itself is extremely unhealthy, aside from your WW's A. Many say that A is just a symptom of deeper issues in the M. In your case, this lopsided marital dynamic between you and your WW seems it.

 

You must address this issue if you truly want your M to recover. If you do not want to dig into whether your WW indeed had sex with her OM, then it would be your decision. What bothers me is that by letting it slide you are not making her truly accountable for her actions, and you continue to let her take advantage of your weaker position in the M.

 

At this point, it is not so much about her A, but your continuing on with this dysfunctional relationship is what worries me even more.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Van, you know your M is dysfunctional, right? A healthy M is based on mutual love and respect. This is something you do not have in your M. When the love and respect are so one-sided like in your case, it in itself is extremely unhealthy, aside from your WW's A. Many say that A is just a symptom of deeper issues in the M. In your case, this lopsided marital dynamic between you and your WW seems it.

 

You must address this issue if you truly want your M to recover. If you do not want to dig into whether your WW indeed had sex with her OM, then it would be your decision. What bothers me is that by letting it slide you are not making her truly accountable for her actions, and you continue to let her take advantage of your weaker position in the M.

 

At this point, it is not so much about her A, but your continuing on with this dysfunctional relationship is what worries me even more.

 

Yes he knows this and in his mind has reconciled what happened with the OM. What he is working on is the future. Yes some want a total breakdown and to admit to what happened. Let it lie.... One day he may want it, and through IC and MC he may come to that realization, but for the time being he has come to peace with it.

[SoulStorm]

but for the time being he has come to peace with it.

 

He has not come to peace with it. He just chooses to not deal with that now. I give him 3 to 6 months and he will hit a phase that may be filled with anger.

It is honorable that you do give her another chance Van. Just don't be a doormat and enabler. Right now I bet she is telling her "friend" how she got away with it and what she really did.

 

You're a good man Van..just don't be her rug.

[sadcalifornian]

Yes he knows this and in his mind has reconciled what happened with the OM. What he is working on is the future. Yes some want a total breakdown and to admit to what happened. Let it lie.... One day he may want it, and through IC and MC he may come to that realization, but for the time being he has come to peace with it.

 

I do not agree that he is doing that. The future is the result of the present decisions and actions. If he truly want to attain the healthy future with his WW, he must take proper course of actions in the present. He is just letting himself be a doormat, and how in the world is this going to lead to a better future? This is not a reconcilation. This is just forget and move on, without holding WW accountable for her action, not even forcing her to admit the truth. What kind of messed up reconcilation is that?

[Darren Steez]

lol this is the funniest thread in a while, wife went out and cheated..apparently he saw photos were "she had a look on her face of absolute love" and the guy was kissing on her navel or something, and now there's reconciliation?

Excellent story, well worth the read but some should quit while they're ahead.

[2long]

would that be "2" years?

 

 

I usually type it "2ple" but I ac2ally forgot this time!

 

-ol' 2long

[mittens22]

wht happened when vanhandle confronted her there is very little info in his posts

[stillafool]

The sad part about this is I'll bet her latin OM tells her like it is and doesn't take any crap from her. That's why she was determined to meet him in Cuba even if it meant the possibility of a divorce. She knew she had better do what he tells her to do.

[aeg512]

The problem here is that you have a person that came to the forum to get advice and you have so many that are so far down the road with self pity they only have comments that are one sided. I guess this forum could be used for a pity party but you really should be creating your own post rather than doing what you are doing. It has been deleted twice because of this.

 

Now, I have no problem with attempting R, it is the posters decision, not anyone eles's. This man has children involved, he will want to be able to look them in the eye in the future and say "I did everything possible to keep the family together" if it does fall apart.

 

Everyone must also remember we do not have all of the information. From what I remember from the earlier threads (the ones that were deleted because of jackasses) I had the feeling she was losing it mentally from just the little descriptions he provided, this was leading up to the trip to Cuba. I realize that those without comprehension skills could miss those clues. Also, her breakdown on the return leads one to believe she needs to be seen by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, treated than see if R is possible.

 

Notice, I am not saying it will work, but I have no problem if he wishes to try.

 

For those wanting to have a pity party, leave this thread alone.

[2011aug]

I agree. Vanhandle needs time to go through the grief process.

 

Whether or not, he stays with his wife later on remains open.

 

She needs to fully own her mistake, and so far she hasnt shown true remorse.

 

Vanhandle needs time to settle his own feelings and emotions and future. He needs to decide if his current reconciliation is working for him. He will decide if he can continue to live with an unfaithful wife.

[Sh0t]

When kids are involved, I think R has to be the first option. You owe it to your kids to try your very best to make their home as stable as possible. A grown man can get over a cheating wife much easier than several kids can move on with a broken home.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes I want an update.....:laugh:

[Try]

When kids are involved, I think R has to be the first option. You owe it to your kids to try your very best to make their home as stable as possible. A grown man can get over a cheating wife much easier than several kids can move on with a broken home.

Read the thread. Although he wants R, she is not really participating in it. R does not work with only one side working at R.

[Try]

My heart goes out to you Van but it is time for you to rethink what you are doing.

 

She knows that she had an EA + PA. You know that she had an EA + PA. And most importantly, she knows that you know that she had an EA + PA. She also knows that as long as she lies to your face and does not admit to what you both know to be true, you will let her act as if she did nothing wrong.

 

Every site that discusses R has a few core required elements. They are:

 

1) They must admit to the affair and give full details. Has she done this? No.

 

2) They must say that they are sorry and accept full responsibility for their actions with no blame shifting. Has she done this? No.

 

3) They must show true remorse and agree to do whatever actions are required to help you trust them and feel secure again. Has she done this? No.

 

Bottom-line is that you are not really in R. You cannot be until you can say yes to all of the above three core requirements.

 

Do try to not hide behind your children and claim that you are staying for them because the current situation will only hurt your relationship with them in the future. She will turn things around and tell your children that you were too weak a man for her but that she stayed in the marriage as long as she could because of them; your current actions will have them agreeing with her. Children seek strength; they will side with her. When your wife does leave you, and she will, it will be on her terms and the children will go with her.

 

What you have not accepted is that you only have bad choices to pick from. You must pick the best from these bad choices and your current actions are not it. Sorry but unless you change course, you are in for an even worst ride going forward.

[Sh0t]

Read the thread. Although he wants R, she is not really participating in it. R does not work with only one side working at R.

 

I've been reading since he first posted.

 

If he had no kids, I would suggest he leave immediately.

 

He said in the video, it didn't look nearly as bad as the pictures. Maybe true, maybe not.

[Chi townD]

Would love an update too. I know Van and his WW went away for the long weekend and hopefully they had some meaningful talks.

 

Okay, the way I see it folks. Van's WW isn't going to come clean about what actually happened. But, even Van wrote that he KNOWS that a PA happened. He's not an idiot to that fact. However, even with the knowledge that he KNOWS something happened, he still wants to try to save his marriage. So, I think that we should be more supportive and give him guidance on the best possible way he can go to fix his broken marriage. So, for the record, he KNOWS it was a PA and it's his CHOICE to stay.

 

So, for my two cents, he needs to get into marriage counseling ASAP, and he needs to get a doctors appointment to get a clean bill of health.

[2011aug]

Maybe this thread might help Van:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t294927/

[nyrias2]

He has not come to peace with it. He just chooses to not deal with that now. I give him 3 to 6 months and he will hit a phase that may be filled with anger.

It is honorable that you do give her another chance Van. Just don't be a doormat and enabler. Right now I bet she is telling her "friend" how she got away with it and what she really did.

 

You're a good man Van..just don't be her rug.

 

Why not? If he WANTS to be her rug, and accepts the fact, shouldn't he have the free will to choose to do so?

 

Given all the discussions on LS, you can't claim that Van does not understand the implications & consequences. If he chooses to be a rug, isn't it HIS right to do so?

[rowell2024]

guys, please let van to handle this and carry his decision. we will see his further marriage development after this issue.

 

i know you have given many great advices to him to open his eyes more.

 

but at the end he already firm with his decision. we shall see what would be the next event in his M. if the wife still continue to lie or disrespect him by doing affair, then he should have known what action to be taken. and if the M going better or great, then congratulate him.

 

actually i was going to post some harsh comments or advices for him but i think it is not necessary as he already fixed with the decision.

 

Agreed. Vanhandle has his mind set on offering the WW the precious gift of R. It's his marriage and his call to make. All anyone can do now is offer support and the necessary tools to achieve R. IMHO, she has to show true remorse, and not rug sweep. These are the differences between True Remorse, and Rugsweeping. Without true remorse, R will fail and you end up in False R.

 

 

True Remorse:

• WS ends the affair and begins NO CONTACT with affair partner
  
• WS shows true remorse and is compassionate with the BS for the pain he or she caused the BS. Remorse is not only a pillar of R, its a cornerstone
  
• WS is TRANSPARENT, willingly shares all passwords to all online sites, accounts for time outside the home, shares texts, and does not hide any information from the BS. Is proactive and rather than waiting for the BS to request proof of transparency.
  
• WS is HONEST. No lies about any affair topics, related or otherwise
  

Rug Sweeping

• WS remains in contact with affair partner and refusing to give up the relationship
  
• WS is defensive, blame shifts, or evades questions about the affair.
  
• WS is defensive or resentful of the BS requesting transparency. Reacts angrily when the BS asks questions or expresses concerns about he WS activities. Accuses the BS of being controlling.
  
• WS keeps secrets or does not disclose important information (lie of omission). WS does not fully disclose information about the affair that the BS requests or makes misleading statements meant to cover up uncomfortable details. Engages in trickle truth.
  
• Tells the BS to "Get over it"