How I Learned to Manage My Desire of Having a Girlfriend

[cerridwen]

"Hey it's cerridwen!"

 

*waves*

 

 

Helloooo...Happy belated birthday, baby.

 

Popping back out. Sorry for the t/j, teknoe. It's great you've found something that works for you.

[fortyninethousand322]

Hmm. Accepting things the way they are doesn't mean resigning to everything staying the same. It means knowing your enemy, and that tends to be oneself 98.3% of the time. Sure, lots of people happily go into a relationship at all ages from puberty onwards. Good for them. This is more about what to do, or what Teknoe has done, in lieu of being one of those people.

 

It involves taking risks that you are clearly uncomfortable with, and all growth and advancement requires risk. Conversely, standing still creates a different type of risk, which I am sure you're aware of i.e. the risk of being left behind, of not realising the potential you saw in something, and of regret.

 

If getting a girlfriend / kiss / sex / cuddle / love letter / lover has proved fruitless for a long time, refocusing your efforts and attention on other relationships can help you improve your thinking, your actions and your outcomes elsewhere in your life, and you carry that surety from there into your love life. Get used to success. Success is the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is all the grunt and sweat you put in to get success. The more you put in, the more you get out. Failures become learning experiences. Problems become challenges. It's weird, but it works. Just listen to any top athlete talk after coming second.

 

The attractive qualities you're thinking of are the primordial, bestial, emotive stuff that is at the core of you. You might be so used to suppressing it you've unfamiliar with it now. But you have to learn to channel it. What is it you want from a woman? What drives you to get a woman? Not some abstract notion like a family or kids or keeping up with the Jones' - no, it's something much more primitive at the core of you. You want her. You want to own her and belong to her. You want to make love to and love her. You are attracted to her because that's what you are.

 

Learning to channel that, hone it, get in touch with it, and learning how to enjoy as much of life as possible will make you more you. Become familiar with your self, your urges and how to learn how to satisfy them and you'll be onto a good thing.

 

And what do 99.14% of dating ads say women want? A genuine guy with a good sense of humour whose passionate about something. It's in in there, inside you, you just need to learn how to present it, live with it, feed it, honour it. And the only way to do that is to be it. Be genuine, be humorous, be passionate. Make your life better. Do that and you'll show her you are ready, willing and able to make hers better too.

 

You are your first project, your first client, your first recommendation, your first sale. When you find yourself in the bathroom in the morning thinking, "I'd do me", you'll be unstoppable.

 

You bring up a lot of interesting points.

 

I know I'm going to stop coming on here. It hasn't really helped me in quite the way I thought it would. It's really led to me being even more confused about things than I was before.

 

But, beyond that. I can't say that I like women anymore. Sure I'm sexually attracted to them and many of them are intellectually stimulating. But, they frustrate me too much. Around women I feel worthless, unattractive, stupid, etc. That's never going to change. Especially if I'm going to have to bribe them with my list of accomplishments just for them to give me the time of day.

 

I think I'm just going to avoid women. They don't like me and I get frustrated by them so the arrangement works for both parties. I know it sounds impossible but I lived 23 years (five of them in college) without getting anywhere with women. I could probably make it another 23 pretty easily. And, if I can't find some way to kill my sex drive, well at least there's pornography.

[betterdeal]

When you can sell yourself to yourself you'll stop thinking you need to bribe them. You'll know, inherently, and providing they have eyes, that they fancy you. The question will then be, do you fancy them?

 

Take two random people at any one point in time. They will each have a chance of being horny or open to forming a new bond with someone. That is all there is to it.

 

When you feel good you look good so do whatever it is that makes you feel good. It happens to increase your chances. You go from a vicious circle to a virtuous circle.

 

If chasing girls with no success makes you feel good, do that. If women annoy you, do something else. If you change your mind, change your behaviour so that you are doing something more enjoyable to suit your mind at that time.

Edited September 2, 2011 by betterdeal

[PJKino]

Im 31 and never been with a women..And while i do look at it as a positive at times to not be in a relationship and i know a relationship wouldnt automatically make my life great it would be great to finall yat least have one girl interested in me and finally shown some effection from a female..

 

That's what really hurts not ever being attractive to the opposite sex or having any type of physical and emotional encounter with a women not just the loneliness of being single..

 

I want a taste of that at least...

[betterdeal]

Go out and ask.

[Teknoe]

Hmm. Accepting things the way they are doesn't mean resigning to everything staying the same. It means knowing your enemy, and that tends to be oneself 98.3% of the time. Sure, lots of people happily go into a relationship at all ages from puberty onwards. Good for them. This is more about what to do, or what Teknoe has done, in lieu of being one of those people.

 

It involves taking risks that you are clearly uncomfortable with, and all growth and advancement requires risk. Conversely, standing still creates a different type of risk, which I am sure you're aware of i.e. the risk of being left behind, of not realising the potential you saw in something, and of regret.

 

If getting a girlfriend / kiss / sex / cuddle / love letter / lover has proved fruitless for a long time, refocusing your efforts and attention on other relationships can help you improve your thinking, your actions and your outcomes elsewhere in your life, and you carry that surety from there into your love life. Get used to success. Success is the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is all the grunt and sweat you put in to get success. The more you put in, the more you get out. Failures become learning experiences. Problems become challenges. It's weird, but it works. Just listen to any top athlete talk after coming second.

 

The attractive qualities you're thinking of are the primordial, bestial, emotive stuff that is at the core of you. You might be so used to suppressing it you've unfamiliar with it now. But you have to learn to channel it. What is it you want from a woman? What drives you to get a woman? Not some abstract notion like a family or kids or keeping up with the Jones' - no, it's something much more primitive at the core of you. You want her. You want to own her and belong to her. You want to make love to and love her. You are attracted to her because that's what you are.

 

Learning to channel that, hone it, get in touch with it, and learning how to enjoy as much of life as possible will make you more you. Become familiar with your self, your urges and how to learn how to satisfy them and you'll be onto a good thing.

 

And what do 99.14% of dating ads say women want? A genuine guy with a good sense of humour whose passionate about something. It's in in there, inside you, you just need to learn how to present it, live with it, feed it, honour it. And the only way to do that is to be it. Be genuine, be humorous, be passionate. Make your life better. Do that and you'll show her you are ready, willing and able to make hers better too.

 

You are your first project, your first client, your first recommendation, your first sale. When you find yourself in the bathroom in the morning thinking, "I'd do me", you'll be unstoppable.

 

 

+100

 

Just wanted to quote this for truth. The last paragraph in particular says it all.

 

Yes, what I'm doing is working for me because I have peace.

 

Because I have peace I'm more relaxed.

 

And because I'm more relaxed I'm more confident.

 

And because I'm more confident I'm more happy.

 

And because I'm more happy other people see that and it actually draws them to me.

 

Funny how that works... people really do give off an aura or vibe... it can be good or bad. For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm finally giving off good vibes.

[FitChick]

Being successful in your career is one of the best things you can do to attract women. Too many of the losers on here seem to do nothing but watch porn. Put that testosterone to work by focusing it into ambition and hard work. It will pay off big time, literally and figuratively.

 

Yes, I know it's hard to find regular jobs but I've been hearing more stories about how desperate people became successful entrepreneurs almost by accident because they had nothing to lose.

[GoodOnPaper]

Being successful in your career is one of the best things you can do to attract women.

 

This didn't really work for me, but I agree with the recommendation to put energy into improving one's job/career situation . . . Because over time, your like becomes FULLER and that helps to lessen some of the stress about you love life.

[AHardDaysNight]

Being successful in your career is one of the best things you can do to attract women. Too many of the losers on here seem to do nothing but watch porn. Put that testosterone to work by focusing it into ambition and hard work. It will pay off big time, literally and figuratively.

 

Yes, I know it's hard to find regular jobs but I've been hearing more stories about how desperate people became successful entrepreneurs almost by accident because they had nothing to lose.

 

You seem to think that jobs are easy to find.

 

Let me tell you that, without a degree, you cannot get anywhere. That is the honest truth.

[AD1980]

Being successful in your career is one of the best things you can do to attract women. Too many of the losers on here seem to do nothing but watch porn. Put that testosterone to work by focusing it into ambition and hard work. It will pay off big time, literally and figuratively.

 

Yes, I know it's hard to find regular jobs but I've been hearing more stories about how desperate people became successful entrepreneurs almost by accident because they had nothing to lose.

 

I wouldnt want to be with someone who is with me becasue of my status or money i make i want somebody who loves me as a person

[Teknoe]

I wouldnt want to be with someone who is with me becasue of my status or money i make i want somebody who loves me as a person

 

 

Same here.

 

But the fact also remains, there's a lot of truth in a man being able to (at least somewhat) provide. You can't be a bum and expect to have a strong relationship, certainly not a strong marriage.

 

So, you want to take care of your end as much as possible, but that shouldn't be the reason why a girl loves you. It should be for you.

 

You need the best of both worlds. Hard to have one without the other.

[threebyfate]

Teknoe, good for you for learning that life doesn't revolve around having a relationship and that perception is reality which means it can be shifted.

 

What I've found my entire life is when I wasn't looking, I got found! My husband found me...in snow.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, good for you for learning that life doesn't revolve around having a relationship and that perception is reality which means it can be shifted.

 

Yes! If you think you are a bore, you probably are. If you think you're a loser, then you are (at least you are in the sense of thinking as a loser does, and not as a winner thinks)

 

A little self-TLC goes a long way. Our bodies are constantly projecting non-verbal communication. We give off an energy, an aura, a vibe. It's up to you whether it's a confident self-assured one, or a nervous self-conscious one.

 

 

What I've found my entire life is when I wasn't looking, I got found! My husband found me...in snow.

 

You're not the first to say this, nor will you be the last.

 

Isn't it funny how the ones looking so hard never find love? They're either rejected (when they rise up the issue to their crush), or nothing happens (i.e. they say nothing to their crush and their crush says nothing to them).

 

But those who are happily going about their lives not wrapped up on finding the one... that's often when love happens unexpectedly.

 

I think it goes back to that vibe thing. Confidence is sexy!

[aj22one]

Being successful in your career is one of the best things you can do to attract women. Too many of the losers on here seem to do nothing but watch porn. Put that testosterone to work by focusing it into ambition and hard work. It will pay off big time, literally and figuratively.

 

Yes, and no. I've seen a lot of guys do that. Problem was they ended up successful, but mid 30s virgins (some older than that). By that point they were pretty much black listed by most women their own age for being a "red flag" (older, lacking relationship inexperience). Even the ones that did find someone ended up being used by women who were only interested in the comfort their money could bring. The guys in this thread don't want to head down that path.

 

These guys need to learn the game. Stop caring about the people you date or try to date. It really is that simple.

[Teknoe]

Crazy.... well, for me at least.

 

I went back to my old college campus today for an event. Took my cousin to it. We entered late and came in with this lady at the same time. When she and I first made eye contact she smiled at me and I casually smiled back. After the event as I was walking out she stopped me by asking me a question. She asked why I came to this event and told me why she came. She was all smiles, held eye contact and seemed to be... flirting with me a little bit! It's been a long time since a girl has flirted with me... I realized I was projecting confidence and a care-free attitude when we first met.

 

Moments later, as my cousin and I were walking back to the parking lot, I saw a cute girl walking to the parking lot as well -- she too had attended the event. I said hi to her and she was very responsive, big smile and all. I was a roll!

 

Confidence and wearing something that makes you feel good can really go a long way. And not caring, because when you obsess over girls you really do emit a negative vibe.

[Teknoe]

You're sounding very contradictory. Can you lay out a coherent argument pattern?

 

 

I think it's pretty clear. Let me know what is contradicting.

 

Again, I'm not saying you CAN'T have female friends. I still enjoy female companionship, but it's within context. No more 3 hour chats into the night. Too easy for feelings to get mixed up.

 

However, now there's a peace of mind that comes with truly surrendering your desires to God. Faith helps me a lot. Otherwise, who would I surrender my desires to? I trust God His plan will come to fruition, but I can't worry or stress out about it like I have in the past.

 

For example, today my crush spoke to me in church. It was short convo and she had to go back to her group of friends. In the past I would totally obsess and analyze the short convo we shared. Today I was like whatever! You start to shift your perspective and see things more benign than "OMG this is a sign of her affection!" (which can literally drive you to a paralysis by analysis standpoint)

 

I still want a GF who can one day become my wife, yes absolutely. But I ain't stressing. I'm still young, not too bad looking, pretty decent sense of humor, love kids, girls find it easy to trust/talk to me... all I gotta do is focus on taking care of biz and eventually ONE will come along and see me as more than a friend. It's the assurance knowing that. So now I quit obsessing so much, and I feel so much more peaceful. It's even drawing more girls to me because I'm giving off this "It's all good! ENJOY LIFE" vibe. That only comes when you truly surrender your burning desires.

 

Doesn't mean to give it up completely, it just means exercising self-control, trust and a confidence that if you just work on you, the rest will work itself out.

 

I hope this clarifies and clears up any confusion you might have had. Cheers!

[Teknoe]

it feels SO good and liberating talking to girls with a confident smile, almost like you're winking at them, that regardless of how they respond to you (whether favorably or not), it doesn't make a damn difference to your day/life. When girls sense that kind of attitude you carry, they find it incredibly sexy, refreshing and attractive. While they might not be attracted to you per se, they will definitely take notice that you're carrying yourself as a real man should.

 

Since I stopped caring and over-analyzing about women, my interaction with them has improved quite a bit. I notice I have a pretty nice smile, so I smile. I speak up. I speak my mind, and I don't care what others think. There's a natural confidence a guy can carry that can really attract girls to him like bees to honey.

 

And the key is -- doing it real. doing it to attract girls actually will not. doing it because that's just who you are = attracting the girls.

 

funny how that works out. girls can tell the difference between guys showing off to get a girl, and guys who act this way just because that's who they are, and they're not doing it "for show" or to attract a girl.

 

this theory was presented in the 1996 film Swingers. It is 100% true too.

[betterdeal]

You seem to think that jobs are easy to find.

 

Let me tell you that, without a degree, you cannot get anywhere. That is the honest truth.

 

My brother in law is a binman. No degree required.

[betterdeal]

I wouldnt want to be with someone who is with me becasue of my status or money i make i want somebody who loves me as a person

 

And if you both had some money to take holidays together and stuff, that'd be cool, right?

[DarkPrince]

OP knows what he's talking about. Be your own man, Focus on bettering yourself, not for women, but for yourself. The women will come when you're not even expecting them, and believe me, when the time comes, your going to see them as more of a hindrance than a godsend. Be nice to women, and treat them with respect, but do not ever, ever kiss their ass, or alter your behavior to fit their needs.

[fortyninethousand322]

Teknoe,

 

I have (for at least the time being) managed to get rid of my desire to have a girlfriend. How I've done this is a) watching more porn (albeit not an excessive amount) b) watching more football c) focusing on career and personal goals and d) not doing much socializing except to play basketball several nights a week (my favorite activity to do to be honest).

 

So far, I am extremely less desirous of women (probably because I avoid them) and I'm much happier with life. Given the fact that I'm never going to actually date anyone I think this is the best solution I could have dreamed of.

 

Just thought I'd give you an update.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe,

 

I have (for at least the time being) managed to get rid of my desire to have a girlfriend. How I've done this is a) watching more porn (albeit not an excessive amount) b) watching more football c) focusing on career and personal goals and d) not doing much socializing except to play basketball several nights a week (my favorite activity to do to be honest).

 

So far, I am extremely less desirous of women (probably because I avoid them) and I'm much happier with life. Given the fact that I'm never going to actually date anyone I think this is the best solution I could have dreamed of.

 

Just thought I'd give you an update.

 

Thanks for the update. I'm curious: why did you say "given the fact I'm never gonna actually date anyone" ??

 

Why do you think it'll never happen for you?

 

Me, I know it's gonna happen. If I really wanted to, I could make some calls and it could probably happen this weekend. But I'm not desperate and also know now is not the healthiest time for me to try. It'd be unfair to the girl as well as to me. I always try to think long term and also for her sake as well.

 

Anyway, holler back.

[fortyninethousand322]

Thanks for the update. I'm curious: why did you say "given the fact I'm never gonna actually date anyone" ??

 

Why do you think it'll never happen for you?

 

Me, I know it's gonna happen. If I really wanted to, I could make some calls and it could probably happen this weekend. But I'm not desperate and also know now is not the healthiest time for me to try. It'd be unfair to the girl as well as to me. I always try to think long term and also for her sake as well.

 

Anyway, holler back.

 

Well see the bolded part is not true for me. There is no girl I could call up and get a date by this weekend.

 

I simply do not believe I will ever date anyone because I don't have the ability to flirt, create chemistry, do any of that stuff. I'm extremely awkward around single, attractive women. Given that I'm 23 and not some teenager I don't see how that's going to change. That, and my sex drive has slowed to a grinding halt (probably for the best). I'm just going to focus on other stuff from now on.

[Teknoe]

Try not to sweat it too much. You're only 23. That's still a puppy.

 

You got plenty of time. Use these years to build yourself up, build your core, build your foundation (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually). You can do a lot in 1 short year.

 

Keep a positive outlook.

 

And all the best.

[JRock8732]

This is the first time I came to this board, and 1st time I seen this topic. OP you're 1st two posts are awesome!