Discovering myself. How did you do it?

[RedIvy]

I feel like I've hit a point in my life where I need to find myself. I need to stop focusing on "needing a relationship" to make me happy and just be happy independently. So, how do I go about doing this? Well...I don't really know. I feel lost but excited which I know does not make sense. I want to do things for myself. I want to bust through my fears and learn about me! What are some things that helped you discover your soul?? I'd like to take a trip for a week by myself somewhere, but where would I go? I would love all the advise and personal stories to help me through this.

[Teknoe]

Honestly, I found Christ. I joined a local church two years ago and have been on one amazing journey. My faith has made me a better person.

 

I've been to Africa for a mission trip. I've led a group of young adults. I've been involved in four huge plays, one in which I acted and directed in, as well as wrote the script.

 

You might be interested in reading this thread I made earlier today. A lot of it might answer your questions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295150/

 

I will say... it is a process. A journey. Don't be discouraged if you don't see immediate change. It takes time. But the key is to keep at it. A long journey begins with one simple faith step. One foot ahead of the other, repeat.

[josie54]

I'm turning 42 next week, and I can honestly say I never have. When I was younger, I always thought I'd discover "myself" at some point in the future--"someday." Here it is, "the future," and it never happened. Next week will be a pretty sad birthday for me...but then, they all are these days.

 

In terms of your other question, on where you should go. There are many places, but I would say to just make it as different from what you're used to as possible. The more different the place you go is from your day-to-day life, the more you'll grow from the experience. So, India, Africa, Indonesia, Latin America, China. Maybe go on a volunteer experience to make it even more meaningful.

 

You could also go to a place where your ancestors are from to research your family history. That could also make for a meaningful experience.

 

Good luck.

[D-Lish]

I hit rock bottom- and realized there was nowhere else to go but upward.

 

It's very liberatng to be content with being alone with yourself- that's how you get to know who you are. I just focused on other activities that made me happy. Find other things to enrich your life. take up a hobby, doscover something new you like doing.

 

It's actually when you realize you don't "need" to be with someone to make you happy, that you'll probably meet someone.

[crosswordfiend]

Discovering oneself is one of these things that happens without you knowing it is happening. Really hard to describe, sorry.

 

My suggestion would be to make a list of things that you are afraid to do and then tackle the list. Common things such as eating out at a restaurant or going to a bar by yourself. Going on a trip by yourself. Chatting up random strangers. Basically tasks that will extend the box you have create for yourself.

[Feelin Frisky]

I found myself most by going out every night and walking for a good 5 or 6 miles. I did this though all kinds of whether all by myself. I had a beautiful route when I started--"the Narrows", which is the mouth of the Hudson River where the Verrazano Bridge spans. The sea was right next to me all the time--sometimes seething beneath--connected in some way to all the energy everywhere in the most raging tempest of the ocean. I looked at high rises and houses and highways and ships and found the words and the way to tell me that I had what it takes to compete with anyone anywhere. So may things resolved for me and even though I was torn from the loss of my relationship, I began to appreciate the freedom to do what I was doing which my siblings and friends in their marriages didn't. It gave me an edge over a lot of people. I could stretch that necessary distance to find answers that others just had someone else tugging on them to abandon. Good luck. Find yourself.

[Forever Learning]

I found myself most by going out every night and walking for a good 5 or 6 miles. I did this though all kinds of whether all by myself. I had a beautiful route when I started--"the Narrows", which is the mouth of the Hudson River where the Verrazano Bridge spans. The sea was right next to me all the time--sometimes seething beneath--connected in some way to all the energy everywhere in the most raging tempest of the ocean. I looked at high rises and houses and highways and ships and found the words and the way to tell me that I had what it takes to compete with anyone anywhere. So may things resolved for me and even though I was torn from the loss of my relationship, I began to appreciate the freedom to do what I was doing which my siblings and friends in their marriages didn't. It gave me an edge over a lot of people. I could stretch that necessary distance to find answers that others just had someone else tugging on them to abandon. Good luck. Find yourself.

 

Epic win, beautiful.

[User Named]

I'm reading an enlightening book called The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success by Nicholas Lore. It covers issues like why we don't get what we want, the types of work we are uniquely suited to, meaning, mission, purpose, etc. It also contains a personality test to help you figure out what you would like to do with your life. If you're interested, you could check for it on Amazon. The Meyers Briggs test (a version of which is in the book) is also helpful for identifying your interests. I'm sure there are lots of other good self-help books out there.

Edited September 5, 2011 by User Named
Grammar.

[AIC]

Everyone has different genes, chemical balance, brain structure etc. We handle stimulus differently not only because of our upbringings but because we are wired differently - eg. some love team environments, whilst some go mental if they're in a team.

 

I'm lucky I was born with a brain structure and chemical balance that makes me feel confident and secure. But I also need challenge, brutal honesty, I am not a team player never have been and through my teen-20's I felt great frustration and a lot of anger. When I was 24 I decided to go backpacking overseas and I feel now looking back that as intelligent as I am and all the brain power etc that I really didn't know anything until I travelled without a due date or any particular destination or itinery. I basically did it solo for 5 years I can remember a key moment early in the 'trip' where I thought about all my friends and peers back home who were working hard and buying a house, getting ahead financially in life, and here I was getting drunk most nights in the greek islands sleeping in a tent screwing every woman I could lay my hands on and blowing every cent I had in the world. I admit I felt society's pressure and expectation, it made me feel like I was wasting my life.

 

But I decided one night that I would give myself till I was 30 to screwball around and then I'd get 'serious' in life so to speak. And in an instant all the pressure disappeared, because I'd set myself a time limit, a goal, even though it was 5 years or so away.

 

I could write 100 pages here about my travels goodness knows how many times i thought if my friends could see me now.

 

The discussion is about discovering yourself, well it's obviously a different process for everyone. I can encourage people to travel and see the world and break society's shackles but in reality not everyone can handle what I did, the isolation and going it alone all the time was at times quite depressing. Some people NEED a fastening point and that doesn't mean anyone is better than anyone else. Just different.

 

But to answer your question how did we discover ourselves? Well travelling is what did it for me.

[tman666]

Personally, I "found myself" by developing my passions. Some have stuck with me throughout the years, and others I've tried and then abandoned for whatever reason.

 

Basically, do some soul searching as to what sounds fun to you. Be realistic. Jet skiing from island to island in the Caribbean with your dream girl on the back with her arms around your waist and her supple breasts pressed up against your back sounds amazing, but it'll have to wait until you develop other basic passions.

 

For example, one of my passions is going to the gym. When I first started going to the gym way back when, it was mostly a retreat to a sanctuary I knew my horrible girlfriend at the time would never set foot in. It was "me" time that allowed me to regroup. Eventually, I started developing my goals in there based on what I saw in those I looked up to (namely, I wanted to be STRONG, BIG and JACKED). Seeing progress is absolutely the most motivating thing, and it's something I've never looked back from. Rain, shine, snow, sadness, happiness, anger, fatigue- I train through it all. It's the one thing in my life that is 100 percent mine, that's 100 percent in my control.

 

Other things that I've found as passions for myself: cross country skiing, fly fishing, making good food, certain music, backpacking, etc.

 

Basically, get out of the house and start trying a bunch of different things. There will be things that you try that you will be glad you did, but you'll ultimately decide it's not your thing. The important thing is that you get out and experience life and focus on reading those internal impulses within you that tell you when you feel fulfilled and excited.

[Teknoe]

I think one of the things that is working for me right now is being alone. I once felt self-conscious to do anything alone, be it going for a quick cup of coffee, or wandering around a book store. I now feel better doing those things alone than with people

 

I wouldn't say I've discovered myself entirely, because I think we grow constantly, our views, our ways, our likes and dislikes fluctuate and change over time, but I've spent a long time alone. And I'd say I know myself better now than I ever did before.

 

Spending a lot of time alone can be very rewarding, because you realize you don't actually need anyone or anything else. I used to believe that I did need to go to the movies with other people or I'd look like a loser. Until the day I fancied watching Twilight for the second time and I was alone. No one batted an eyelid, and if they did, who cares? From then on, I've made it a regular thing going to the movies by myself. I also go to bars for a drink alone, or for a meal alone. Once you get over the suspicion that everyone is watching you, and judging you, it's all good. Because they aren't.

 

I'd say that it's all about learning about the things you love, the things that make you, you. When you're constantly surrounded by other people it's so easy to fall into the temptation to just be who they expect you to be etc, which is why these times are good for being alone. Be who you expect you to be.

 

This could be doing long/short walks, tackling a list of phobias, stepping out of the box and widening the lines, going on holiday alone, or merely doing things that you normally wouldn't by yourself. It doesn't have to be something extravagant, or an Eat, Pray, Love style trip, it can be something as simple as taking a book to your favorite restaurant, and ordering a three course meal by yourself.

 

Good for you. Madea (Tyler Perry) said it best:

 

"If you don't know how to be by yourself, how the hell you gonna be with somebody else?!"