Hatu Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) A little background: Got dumped May 17. We dated for 2 years. She immediately asked for the “just friends” route. I know how that goes and I shot that idea down on the spot, during the breakup talk. She was baffled... The Catch: The catch is that my 14 year old brother lives with her family. Hes been there for about 2 months now and will stay there for at least another 2 years until he's 16. Breaking No Contact: I basically decide it's time for me to smooth things out with her and for us to be cordial and as cool as we can be for my brother's sake. Well 3 weeks ago I call her - after strict No Contact for 3 months. The minute she's off she's calling me back. I was out with friends so I told her I couldn't talk about it right now and after 3 minutes we hangup. So she begins to text me: “ I am not understanding why you're doing this.” “It's not that I don't want to talk to you it's just I still can't handle this... I don't want to get confused and fall right back into us.” “You're not going to just walk right back in my life like it's nothing... I am going to be busy I work all day tomorrow and Saturday I get my tattoo so I don't have lots of time.” “I never said stay out of my life. You're not the only one dealing with it. I made the decision to end a relationship, not a friendship.” “I just don't think it's a good idea, I'm not ready to talk...” Back to No Contact: A week goes by of no contact and she texts, “Rascal Flatts – Easy. Look it up when you get a chance.” Here's that song with lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JzRJwFCq1U Fast forward a week. I'm hanging out with my brother at her house before I go out for the night. This is our first time running into each other. After a while she just asks me to bring her with me to wherever I'm heading. This whole time her boyfriend is calling and texting and just blowing her phone up. We find a house party, get wasted and of course the break up talk comes up. She openly admits her new guy is nothing like me, he doesn't buy her flowers, he doesn't take her out on dates, he doesn't pay for anything, he doesn't buy her gifts, they don't do dinner dates, they don't go to the movies, they don't say I love you, it's not a physical thing, it's not anything like how we were. She told him that she won't tell him she loves him. A few hours later during the party we kiss. We start going over everything that happened during our time apart. We wind up in bed together and you know the rest. Well she drops me off at my place the next day and I tell her I want to talk and would like to meet up sometime the following week. I asked her if she was going to tell her boyfriend about last night and she says of course. She has to and that she would do it that day and if she didn't she'd feel guilty. She goes for the idea of grabbing a bite to eat and she says, “Yay a dinner date ” She replies: “I just want to keep it clear that I am not having any relationship with you other than my friend. I am focusing on myself for a while and getting my school taken care of I don't want to give any wrong ideas.” So we're sort of talking again: Now it's Monday and randomly she texts, “Are you out tonight? I tell her I'm out with friends. She replies, “Hang out with me when you're done? ” We wind up watching TV and movies for a few hours and we bring up the past and start having the famous “talk” about the breakup and she does a 180 on me. She starts to cry and gets emotional and says she wishes she never came over, wished we had never talked and she leaves. The next day she emails me this: “I didn't go to work today.. I can't do dinner, I'm meeting Kyle to tell him about what's going on. I feel sick because of all this.. I have to tell Kyle about the way I keep feeling.. and I just wish all this wasn't happening. I want to go to dinner but right now other things are more important I know tonight won't be a good night for me and I have school in the morning I wish I could just be told what to do I hate hurting people and I don't want to mess up and make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing.” She sent her mom this email the same day: Mom I know you weren't happy with me spending time with Matt and I know why.. I knew I shouldn't have either because now I feel sad again. I told Kyle we have to talk tonight because I just want to be his friend. It isn't fair for me to be missing Matt and feeling so upset and be around Kyle how I am. I just don't want to make a wrong decision. If I don't see Kyle like I do I know I'll spend more time with Matt and I get that my family isn't going to be ok with that I just don't like missing him all the time. What do I need to do? The Breakup: So the next day she dumps her new boyfriend and I get a text asking if I was going to be busy. I tell her I'm laying low tonight and she says, “Well lets get food and lay low together.” We were hitting it off great, laughing and talking about the past couple months. At this point we were both entertaining the idea of getting back together and she said, “If we ever do work things out and decide to get back together we are getting tested before we have sex.” I kind of pause and said... But we had sex on Saturday night. She looked at me and got all emotional and began to cry. She said she didn't remember it and thought that we had but wasn't sure. She kind of assumed, but we had never talked about it so it wasn't confirmed. She said she woke up with all her clothes on so she didn't think anything had happened. We had sex and went back to the party and that's why we were both fully dressed. She starts to get more upset and is going on and on about how wrong it was and how inappropriate it was. I told her that we had feelings for each other, had been together a million times before, we weren't just random strangers, not adding to our number, etc. She heads for the door and insists she doesn't need me to walk her out. I did anyway. She sat in her car and cried while I was talking to her and she said that Kyle would be so hurt if he knew. Next she asked me if I knew how much pressure this put on her. That part I didn't really understand. She said she wished this was all happening at a different time and not right as she was starting school. She said she was going to be thinking about this all day in school tomorrow on her first day. After a few minutes of talking she leaves. This Past Weekend: I went to see my brother on Sat night - she came home from work and instead of going out she stayed there all night and so did I. The three of us watched movies and TV shows all night and passed out in front of the TV. Her and I didn't even really talk or touch the entire night. The Next Morning: We meet up in the kitchen and we are the only 2 people awake in the house. Then we hear a sound from upstairs. She turns to me and says, "you're the one doing the talking, not me. You have to explain to them why you stayed here last night - and it wasn't because of me. Then she said they were going to wonder why she stayed in last night too and quickly she said - it wasn't because of you." It did get to me a little bit so I put on my shoes and collected my things and I left. That's the last I saw of her. So Now What? I had the idea of writing her a final letter. Is final letter a bad idea? I kind of want to leave everything on the table... Thoughts? Edited August 31, 2011 by Hatu Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelai Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Big thought: Don't mix alcohol and sex. Second thought: She's with someone else, if you really just want to be cordial with her for your brother's sake do that but don't hang out with her, especially if you don't want friendship but you really want more. Link to post Share on other sites
Orianne Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Well...you need to figure out what you want. In this sort of situation, I wonder how much her family is pressuring her and otherwise influencing her decisions. She basically told her mom that she needed to break up with Kyle because dealing with you was too much--she could have just cut you out of her life and went off with the other guy, but she chose to dump him, and that seems to be a telling sign that something else is going on. Hard to say, really...but if you did want to get back together with her, I'd say you've got a good shot, but I wouldn't write her a letter unless you want to go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Duh on alcohol and sex. That's the first time I've had sex with someone while drunk.. Other than my girlfriend at the time. I do really want more, that's the thing. I love her. I do want to get back together with her! So give over the letter? or just initiate NC again? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 In my humble opinion... You both need to talk... Communicate... Really talk about it... Talk on what you wan and what she wants... Find out what kinda pressure she is in rite now... Don't get into those physical stuff until you both had really talk and understand each other... Do not argue or anything, as a guy... Listen... Well... I guess she is still confused rite now and couldn't actually tell you what she really wants... But try to talk to her first... Give her some time if she don't feel like it... In the meantime, sort out what you really wan... I don't think you can go full NC cause you your brother is involved... Anyway... This is my take on this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 So clearly "TRUE" NC is impossible due to my brother... Should I just not talk to her again or should I give her a letter? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Really depending on what you wan and what you feel most comfortable with... It's all your call... If you send her a letter, are you going to tell her what your next step is..? Like giving each other space, have less contact..? And you may not even get any reply from her... If you talk to her you will get her respond (you won't get everything out, maybe only a bit)... And the things she says may leave you guessing on what she really wants (this will give you some sleepless nites)... I think talking to her will give you a better closure and it's a form of respect that you are able to talk with her face to face... But if you really can't talk to her... Go with the letter... But after the letter, you will have to go with very limited contact on your part already... See which one suits your more... Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Really depending on what you wan and what you feel most comfortable with... It's all your call... If you send her a letter, are you going to tell her what your next step is..? Like giving each other space, have less contact..? And you may not even get any reply from her... If you talk to her you will get her respond (you won't get everything out, maybe only a bit)... And the things she says may leave you guessing on what she really wants (this will give you some sleepless nites)... I think talking to her will give you a better closure and it's a form of respect that you are able to talk with her face to face... But if you really can't talk to her... Go with the letter... But after the letter, you will have to go with very limited contact on your part already... See which one suits your more... Hang in there... My ex avoids these types of talks like the plague whenver possible. Part of how she deals with things is by running/avoiding instead of facing things. She's always "not into talking about us". She text me last night to say, "Nice to know you're calling me names on your Facebook thanks for that Matt.. hope it makes you feel better." I never replied... I posted the lyrics to a song that's from the year 2000 by Eminem and I guess my lil brother commented on it and that's how she saw it.. But anways - I suppose I'm comfortable with either option. I feel like if I do write her, I need to tell her what I plan to do. I don't want to leave her wondering. I'm not sure exactly how I'll word it but I will post a rough draft on here tonight probably. I most likely won't get a reply from her, but that is fine. I really only need her to finish reading it! I really don't expect her to talk to me in person. She's very reluctant to do so when it comes to me. It's not that I CAN'T talk to her, I think it's really just that she won't ALLOW the conversation. I was thinking letter and then as limited contact as possible other than small talk if I run into her at her house.. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Going with the letter is cool too... Just make sure to keep very limited contact after that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Well...you need to figure out what you want. In this sort of situation, I wonder how much her family is pressuring her and otherwise influencing her decisions. She basically told her mom that she needed to break up with Kyle because dealing with you was too much--she could have just cut you out of her life and went off with the other guy, but she chose to dump him, and that seems to be a telling sign that something else is going on. Hard to say, really...but if you did want to get back together with her, I'd say you've got a good shot, but I wouldn't write her a letter unless you want to go NC. I want to be back together with her to put it simply, but I also have a wall/barrier up to prevent myself from being hurt again. I am definitely much more aware of how things work this time around. Her father told me last night that both he and her mother were telling her not to hang out with me, not to string me along and not to lead me on and to basically STOP doing it. Her mom was very upset that we were spending time together as per her father last night... She chose to dump him on her own accord - I had no part in it. I didn't pressure or push her to make any moves in that department. Something else definitely is going on but she's appeared to have gone back to at least hanging out with Kyle (her boyfriend or ex). I don't want to go NC but I feel I keep thinking I should put it all on the table via a letter and then limit contact. My other route is just go NC without the letter. I believe if I try to talk with her in person or setup a time to get together, she'll refuse. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 Hey... Good to hear that you are aware of the possibilities of you getting hurt and you are being careful with your action... Rite now... Send out the letter... And go LC cause you know you can't go full NC rite..? Keep us updated... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 I have written the letter and sealed it.. Then the next day I opened it and read the whole thing. Then I've re-written it about 5 more times =P Let me know what you think.. This is what I have, but I am definitely open for changes and edits.. I keep changing it myself every other day! My Letter: ______, I would have preferred to talk in person. There's a certain respect that goes with being face to face. Emails and texts aren't really my thing. I don't always know what to do and what to say. I don't have all the the answers and I've made my share of mistakes. So I'll just be open and honest. I do wish things ended differently. I could write 100 pages and countless letters but you already know without me saying a word. We both know each other well enough to know what we're both thinking and feeling without it being said. I wish things between us no we're different too. But I want you to be happy. I am glad you found someone who suits you. I think you know I wish nothing bad upon you. I know that dealing with me is too much for you. I don't think it's a good idea to be friends right now, but I'm not sure about the future. I wish you the best in everything that you do. Respectfully, Matt --------------------- I was thinking of telling her that she was important to me and that I wanted us to be in each other's lives but because of her boyfriend now's not a good time. I originally wrote that it wasn't fair for her to be feeling how she is and missing me all the time while she has a boyfriend. But I definitely don't want to give her the impression I'm telling her that being with her new dude is wrong because I know how ex's can be with that kind of challenge from an ex. I definitely want her to figure it out on her own (she already has partially). She just got cold feet and is confused about what she wants and that's why she went back to him. But I don't want to put that out to her face either, I see no point in identifying her flaw. Because she already knows without me saying. I need some help with finishing this letter! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 It's either give her the letter and go LC or just go LC. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Letter seems fine... Leave it as it is... Just send it out and go LC... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I haven't given her the letter yet. I'm debating on how I am going to deliver it. On on a side note, I keep wanting to go NC in order for things to work in my favor but I feel like I will need to change my strategy up just so I can get her back. With my brother in the equation, NC is impossible. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 At this point... I think the best way to get her back is for you to really get over her... Keep on thinking of her rite now won't bring you any good... Go NC or LC for your case... If she ever contact you, keep it short, sweet, simple... If can, don't make any form of contact... If she asks you why are you so cold and all... Tell her you wanna heal and move on... She will understand... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 At this point... I think the best way to get her back is for you to really get over her... Keep on thinking of her rite now won't bring you any good... Go NC or LC for your case... If she ever contact you, keep it short, sweet, simple... If can, don't make any form of contact... If she asks you why are you so cold and all... Tell her you wanna heal and move on... She will understand... Oh I know I am driving myself crazy thinking about her... I keep freaking out about this letter - whether to keep it or send it off. I was going to drop it off at her work in person (so it could be face to face) but I am leaning more towards mailing it now... How's that sound? But on the other hand part of me wants to go LC and just not give it to her at all. Sometimes I think the letter is pointless and sometimes I think that she would enjoy reading a letter from me. I know how girls dig that. Our last contact was a text from her to me (i never replied) on Sep 1st. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hmm... Just my humble opinion... It's been about a week now that you both haven't contacted each other... So I don't think sending her the letter now is a good idea... You are already enforcing NC/LC... So I don't think it's a good thing to break it... Like you said, the letter will be pointless... It won't bring her back... It will either make her sad or boost her ego... You don't wan any of that rite..? Well... Just my humble opinion... The decision is all yours... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hatu Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hmm... Just my humble opinion... It's been about a week now that you both haven't contacted each other... So I don't think sending her the letter now is a good idea... You are already enforcing NC/LC... So I don't think it's a good thing to break it... Like you said, the letter will be pointless... It won't bring her back... It will either make her sad or boost her ego... You don't wan any of that rite..? Well... Just my humble opinion... The decision is all yours... Gonna not give her the letter. LC/NC has already started. Its been 6 days so far. Definitely don't want to boost her ego. I'm not sure what she'd even thinking about it :/ Since we're already going with LC/NC then I might as well keep with it. Otherwise I'm the one now reaching out and initiating things... No thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Good to hear that... But always remember - NC/LC is for yourself to heal and move on... Not a method for you to get her back... Link to post Share on other sites
lvm Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Whoa, your situation is so similar to mine. My vote is to not give the letter. If she contacts you, then tell her what you wrote. Until then, be silent and let yourself heal. Link to post Share on other sites
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