Just a question: What makes a person go after a taken man/woman?

[Bettylou]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

[Seraph1]

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

 

I am probably not the majority here but I was completely unaware that he was married when we got involved. I would not have gotten involved if I had known otherwise. I certainly was always attracted to him but believing him to be single I approached being with him in the same way I think a normal person would approach someone they had just started dating.

 

It was a normal courtship. The advances were no different from those I experienced and gave when dating single men. It was the usual dance.

 

Once I found out that he was married. It was AGONY. 10 months and all out future plans were proven to be a lie in an instant! I was essentially looking at a stranger than I intimately knew or thought I did. I spent about a week telling him to leave me alone and being in pain over my decision to end it. Then I blocked all his access to me (email/phone etc) and asked him to respect me need for NC in order to heal. Complete silence until 7 months later.

 

I do not find a committed man appealing. I do not crave the 'forbidden'. I was lied to and used. A casualty of the infidelity war. I did love him, without doubt and I still do to a certain extent. Was it enough to keep me willingly in an affair with him? No. But it was only because I was painfully honest with myself about the truth. A man who truly loves you and wants to be with you...will not lie and willingly hurt you with such a HUGE thing as being committed to someone else. I had gone through a divorce so I knew that while painful it was possible to free yourself if you didn't really want to be there.

 

BS may want to believe that the OW/OM is evil but the truth is often quite more hurtful...that the WS has been lying and lying some more to BOTH the BS and OW/OM. Their first and only true love is for themselves while they are in an affair. If they choose to keep that arrangement then they have still not grown to love their M or the OW/OM more than themselves imho.

[Bettylou]

Sorry to hear your situation. I mean that it is horrible what he did to you. Giving you some hugs.

[sleepessinoh]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

 

Mine started out as a friendship and yes, I knew he was a MM. I didnt pursue my MM, he pursued me (not that is makes it any better). I had never had someone work so hard to get me. The things he said and the way he talked to me. Looking back, he has nothing to lose as far as I was concerned. He could throw everything into it and if I didnt bite, he would have just move onto someone else I suppose. But he wooed me with his kind words, his understanding, his wanting to know everything about me, his passion. Believe me I dated single men and no one ever tried so hard to win me over by being everything I wanted, which I am sure I told him during our "friendship courtship"

 

I am not saying that there are not woman out there that dont go after a taken man for the challenge. I was won over by a manipulative man who was only out for himself. I see that now. I have huge accountability as well. I knew he was married. But I didnt go after him because he was married. I liked his friendship and felt bad that he was so lonely in life. I may have been naive. But I did what I did and it is mine to own. But I think that alot of the MMs go after the OW and pursue her.

[half_ofa_heart]

Mine too started out as a friendship but I did not pursue him - he pursued me relentlessly!!! Even though we were friends, once the advances started coming, I distanced myself and wanted nothing to do with a married man. He never took no for an answer and eventually I gave into the advances.

 

I admit that I was scared at first but then started to enjoy his attention. I had long given up on the idea of having a boyfriend since my divorce because I wanted to focus on my children. I never, ever would have guessed that I would fall in love and certainly not to this degree.

[wannabdone]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

[Seraph1]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

 

I agree. The exMM certainly pursued me and made the first moves.

[Summer Breeze]

I agree. The exMM certainly pursued me and made the first moves.

 

Agreed I don't know one instance in real life where a woman pursued a MM.

 

Mine and I had mutual friends and bumped into each other at various times. He pursued me but he was very up front and honest about his situation and that it wasn't going to change. I had no intention of getting involved with him and spent many hours trying to guide him back to his M. His W was quite surprised when I showed her emails of expressing he should get her and seek MC or see a minister. Eventually we became close and I admitted how much I loved him to myself. To this day I don't regret a second of it and if he knocked on my door right now with divorce papers I'd be with him in a heartbeat.

 

There is no deep psychology to it for me. I wasn't damaged and I wasn't weak. I fell in love and I will probably love him till I die.

[Circular]

Both married, started out as a friendship and things kept bringing us together, closer. I didn't really pursue her or her me, we just got along so well that over time we somewhere crossed the line and it became an EA. I woke up one morning and all I could think about was her and how I didn't ever want to lose her out of my life.

 

I think the EAs are the trickiest ones.

[Saul Goodman]

My personal stint as an OM was similar to Seraph's experience. Although it was only around 6 months instead of 10. Even ended similarly.

 

I have some friends that are OW/OMs and while I don't make it the main focus of our conversations (not very interesting), I have spoken with some of them about it.

 

Here's what I got. Imagine there is a line

 

|-----------------------------------------|

 

On the left side, you have APs that plan ahead. They specifically go after married people because they know that the chance of a committed relationship developing is minimal. They can have their needs met without aiming for a full-time gig. Why do they go after married people instead of singles? Usually the reasoning that they give me is pretty flimsy. For the OMs, it's generally about sex and ego stroking. For the OWs, it's either materialistic or more emotionally based.

 

On the right side, you have more unplanned occurrences. "The power of love" if you believe in it. In these cases, the APs take the affair dynamic more seriously. Emotions are stronger. Things get more complicated quickly. The reasoning here essentially amounts to: It happened because it happened.

 

Some APs are on the left. Some on the right. Some are in the middle. I see a lot of interplay between the two sides, so my ideas are hardly absolute.

 

To provide a different perspective: I am a married man (not a MM). I occasionally get propositioned by women that have seen the shiny wedding ring on my finger. Hell, one even tried to pull the "your wife will never find out" line on me.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[Gentlegirl]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

I met xMM at a pistol shooting expo thing.

 

Talking of shooting... it will probably happen to me after I write this.

 

My late husband was in the last stages of Alzheimer's and xMM'x wife had a disability. I guess we were both lonely, he was 65 and I was 60, looking for a connection with another person.

 

I needed some adult company... somebody to talk with and maybe have lunch with or go to a movie.

 

The A happened.. and developed into something

bigger than either of us could have imagined. We were both lonely and in a carer role.

 

It ended badly as affairs mostly do.

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Woman In Blue]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

Yup. My whole life, married men have pursued me. I don't waste my time with them because I deserve better than to be some married jerk's playtoy.

[spice4life]

Interesting question. In my case I was pursued and he presented himself as separated and on the way to being divorced. I will never date a separated man ever again...no way, no how! Period. In more cases than not, the MP does the pursuing and not the other way around.

[Summer Breeze]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

Actually it takes 1. The person who betrayed their spouse. I get the feeling you may be in a really tough place and as someone said you may be looking to place blame anywhere but where it's deserved. Hugs to you girl.

[Silly_Girl]

'Taken'?

 

I suppose the BS would say that, but the actions of the WS says different. Not sure why the OW should be expected to view the MM as unavailable if he himself does not.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

'Taken'?

 

I suppose the BS would say that, but the actions of the WS says different. Not sure why the OW should be expected to view the MM as unavailable if he himself does not.

 

To save herself plenty of misery and her self-respect.

[woinlove]

Actually it takes 1. The person who betrayed their spouse. I get the feeling you may be in a really tough place and as someone said you may be looking to place blame anywhere but where it's deserved. Hugs to you girl.

 

One is masturbation, isn't it? The question was about affairs which do involve two. I agree the OP didn't seem to understand how often the MP is the pursuer, although this is not always the case as one poster explained and as I have seen myself. Still, for someone who just puts married men or women off-limits, much like most put their brother or sister in laws off limits, it is interesting to understand how others don't and how they view it.

 

Some MM are extremely aggressive, but many others look for some softness in the response. If one shows them that you would never be with a MM, that you think they are behaving poorly, most back off - way off. So even the initial stages is a dance of two. After all, there are restraining orders and harassment complaints for completely unwanted persistent attention.

 

As circular pointed out, EAs can be trickier. You start in a platonic mode but then get more intimate. Again, many recognize earlier signs and respect boundaries, but for others who have less experience, this might be tricky. Still, when one wakes up every morning thinking about a MM/MW, one must realize what one is in, and some will choose to pull back, even though it is very difficult, because they don't want to get involved in an affair of any kind and others will continue to go for it.

 

Maybe the OP is looking to transfer blame from a MP to the AP, maybe not -- but this is an interesting topic. While some BS may want to transfer blame, some single AP may also want to transfer blame and accept no responsibility for their choices, actions, their role in knowingly participating in hurtful deception. The fact that the MP is fully responsible for holding up his/her vows and promises to the BS, does not, in itself, imply the AP has no responsibility for their role in the deception.

 

For someone who really doesn't see anything wrong with having affairs with MM/MW and makes that choice and is content with it, then it won't matter that most others will see something wrong with that person's choices and actions. They are unlikely to be able to convince others, though. 'Be kind', 'do no harm' or 'do unto others..' is what most people strive for, even if they don't always achieve it.

[bentnotbroken]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

 

 

I don't know about the majority doing the chasing(in my case this was true), but certainly I would think at least 50% do the chasing.

[mzdolphin]

I too was completely unaware the guy was married. We had actually dated years prior when we were both single. He had been living apart from his wife (in another state) for four years, so it was easy for him to pretend to be single.

 

I think married women would be surprised how often it the spouse actually pursues the OW.

 

I have only been involved with married men twice in my life and in both cases the guys lied about their marital status. In the first, I figured it out pretty quick because he was living with his wife. So that was easy to end, no emotional attachment. The second, more recent, was quite painful and hard to end because we had a past, a friendship and even professional connections.

 

So I can't speak for others, but I never pursue married men. Don't want them. I think married men do pursue other women quite a bit.

[Silly_Girl]

To save herself plenty of misery and her self-respect.

 

That's her personal choice.

[Pink_orchid]

I didn't go after him, he went after me. Told me he was married but the attraction between us was mutual and very strong from the moment we met. He seemed to give zero importance and attention to the marriage and huge importance to me. I got swept away with the excitement and I really can't help it if he, the one who had taken the marriage vows, decided to pursue me and contact me constantly, and follow through with it and break his vows. Yes I am to blame as well. But he didn't act 'taken' - he acted as if he was 'taken with me'. I didn't 'want to be with someone taken' and we stopped before it became an affair.

 

I think with respect Betty that you are very niave if you think that the straying married person only cheats because they are chased! I think it's the other way round, they do the chasing. Yes I liked it but I only responded because I thought it would go somewhere. I wouldn't want an affair and I don't think the kind of man this person is (my MM) is that type of person either. I think the attraction was so strong it just ran away with us.

 

We have been in contact since and 'it' is still there for me. And for him, or he would not be wanting to contact me would he...

 

*Hugs* to you. Why did you ask this? Sorry that this may not be the answer you seek if you've been cheated on as I have been in that situation too. But those cheating are adults! They only do it if they want to and they know perfectly well what they are doing.

[Summer Breeze]

One is masturbation, isn't it? The question was about affairs which do involve two. I agree the OP didn't seem to understand how often the MP is the pursuer, although this is not always the case as one poster explained and as I have seen myself. Still, for someone who just puts married men or women off-limits, much like most put their brother or sister in laws off limits, it is interesting to understand how others don't and how they view it.

 

Some MM are extremely aggressive, but many others look for some softness in the response. If one shows them that you would never be with a MM, that you think they are behaving poorly, most back off - way off. So even the initial stages is a dance of two. After all, there are restraining orders and harassment complaints for completely unwanted persistent attention.

 

As circular pointed out, EAs can be trickier. You start in a platonic mode but then get more intimate. Again, many recognize earlier signs and respect boundaries, but for others who have less experience, this might be tricky. Still, when one wakes up every morning thinking about a MM/MW, one must realize what one is in, and some will choose to pull back, even though it is very difficult, because they don't want to get involved in an affair of any kind and others will continue to go for it.

 

Maybe the OP is looking to transfer blame from a MP to the AP, maybe not -- but this is an interesting topic. While some BS may want to transfer blame, some single AP may also want to transfer blame and accept no responsibility for their choices, actions, their role in knowingly participating in hurtful deception. The fact that the MP is fully responsible for holding up his/her vows and promises to the BS, does not, in itself, imply the AP has no responsibility for their role in the deception.

 

For someone who really doesn't see anything wrong with having affairs with MM/MW and makes that choice and is content with it, then it won't matter that most others will see something wrong with that person's choices and actions. They are unlikely to be able to convince others, though. 'Be kind', 'do no harm' or 'do unto others..' is what most people strive for, even if they don't always achieve it.

 

So what happens if the WS has 20 one night stands. Who can be blamed then? What happens if he watches porn and gets off because to many woman that's no better than having an A. Who gets blamed then?

 

The truth of the matter is this. If a WS did not look outside the M for something there would be no cheating. Period. To me it is that simple. I couldn't have cared less who my xH cheated with-he cheated.

 

As you have noted others see things differently to me and that's fine. I don't believe that an AP holds any blame and that's my opinion. It's no more right or wrong than anyone elses.

[woinlove]

So what happens if the WS has 20 one night stands. Who can be blamed then? What happens if he watches porn and gets off because to many woman that's no better than having an A. Who gets blamed then?

 

The truth of the matter is this. If a WS did not look outside the M for something there would be no cheating. Period. To me it is that simple. I couldn't have cared less who my xH cheated with-he cheated.

 

As you have noted others see things differently to me and that's fine. I don't believe that an AP holds any blame and that's my opinion. It's no more right or wrong than anyone elses.

 

Re bolded: No one is suggesting the WS is not responsible for his own actions, or to blame as you put it. I thought that was clear. The question is whether choosing to have an affair with a MM/MW is bad behavior in any way or not.

 

Think of the example of someone using deception to get a leg up on a job, by lying in order to put a competing colleague down. Clearly the person lying is responsible for their own actions and behave badly. Someone knowingly participating with them in this deception, being a useful sounding board for potential lies, or whatever, has responsibility for their own role in this behavior against a colleague. This in no way absolves the first person of responsibility or blame. They might have easily found some other person to help them with the deception and they were the one actively doing the lying.

 

As to multiple ONS, you seem to be viewing this question from the perspective of a BS. I view it from the perspective of the OW/OM. Is it better to have a ONS than an extended A with a MM -- who is not in an open M and who you know (or you don't care to find out) will be deceiving his W about your interactions? For me, yes, but only from the perspective of the length of involvement. I don't like to knowingly involve myself with and aid such deception. Of course, I didn't feel like this when I was an OW. I figured it was completely the MM's responsibility.

 

ETA. I expect my knowledge of the deception, as well as my participation in it, would be less with a ONS, so to say only the length is different is not true. Length and depth is more accurate.

Edited September 1, 2011 by woinlove

[skywriter]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

 

I didn't want to be with a married person. I told him to go away and look me up if he were ever to become a single man.

 

Actually, I wasn't"drawn" to him, he was "drawn" to me, moreso.

 

Oh yes, and I talked to the MM about how relevant his marriage was to me.

 

Hmmm, maybe this question should be answered by an OW/OM who actually does or has "chased" a MP.

[Circular]

As circular pointed out, EAs can be trickier. You start in a platonic mode but then get more intimate. Again, many recognize earlier signs and respect boundaries, but for others who have less experience, this might be tricky. Still, when one wakes up every morning thinking about a MM/MW, one must realize what one is in, and some will choose to pull back, even though it is very difficult, because they don't want to get involved in an affair of any kind and others will continue to go for it.

 

I thought I had the power to control what was going to happen, thought I had a handle on it. I was naive, she was in the same boat as I. At times it seemed the world was pushing us together, I can't explain that without giving TMI. In the end we both made the conscious decision to move forward. I think that's the way with a lot of EAs; you build a connection that's a friendship, it matures as you get to know each other better, feelings of caring and concern for the others well being develop, you don't anticipate it but I also believe I could have stopped it but I chose not to. The real tell tale sign is the very intense desire to be in constant communication that forms. Over a three year period it went from once every few weeks, to once a week, to once a day, to eventually what seemed like every minute; text, email, IM, etc... was crazy. Now I'm back to once every five months or so, or never on my current course.